Marion Cotillard Is Pregnant, Denies Affair
Marion Cotillard Is Pregnant, Denies Affair


The first theory to explain why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie split was that Pitt was banging Marion Cotillard. We now know that’s not true. Like at all. But to make sure this whole theory is cleared right the fuck up, Marion Cotillard did the 2016 version of a press release – an Instagram rant. 

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Angelina Jolie Reportedly Caught Brad Pitt Banging Marion Cottilard
Angelina Jolie Reportedly Caught Brad Pitt Banging Marion Cottilard


Forget what I said about the refusing spousal support thing, Angelina Jolie thought Brad Pitt was cheating with Marion Cotillard so she hired a private investigator. 

Angelina Jolie is dumping Brad Pitt after hiring a private investigator to spy on him on the set of his latest film — where, she learned, he was cheating, a well-placed source told The Post on Tuesday. “She hired a private eye because she felt that he was fooling around with her on the set, and it turns out, he was. And that was the final straw,” the source said. Pitt had been rumored to have been cozying up to his “Allied” co-star, Marion Cotillard, in London for months.

Brad: “Hey, baby. How was your day?”

Angelina:



Goddamn. Lainey Gossip is floating the idea that Jolie filed for divorce because she had “political aspirations” that Pitt wasn’t down with, but political aspirations don’t make you keep your kids away from their father. Fucking your co-star does. This didn’t happen with Jennifer Aniston because her womb is a barren wasteland. 

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Marion Cotillard is Accomodating



Marion Cotillard showed up at the European premiere of Public Enemies last night, and although she tried, she really couldn’t seem to pour her tits out onto the red carpet. I wouldn’t be scared if she tried this on my carpet, because of an infused chemical treatment before the actual tufting or weaving process began, my carpet is stain free! Meaning, when dirt or liquids are introduced to the surface, I’m worry free! My life is so exciting!

If you want to see what is would look like if they actually fell out, you can quench your curiosity here (NSFW)

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Johnny Depp is John Dillinger



Here are the first shots of Michael Mann’s new project, Public Enemies, a film about the F.B.I’s war against notorious American gangsters John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd. It stars Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Channing Tatum, and Marion Cotillard. Man, I didn’t realize criminals were so sexy back then. I bet all the ladies in the bank were excited when it was bank robbery day. It was like their Grey’s Anatomy.

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Marion Cotillard is an Idiot



Marion Cotillard, who won this year’s Best Actress Oscar for something in French, was quoted in a 2007 interview saying that the Twin Towers were destroyed on 9/11 by the American government and that the American moon landing was fake. Stupid:

I think we’re lied to about a number of things,” she said, singling out September 11. Referring to the two passenger jets flown into the World Trade Centre, Miss Cotillard said: “We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes, are they burned? There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burned for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed.” Miss Cotillard suggested that the towers, planned in the early 1960s, were an outdated “money sucker” which would have cost so much to modernise that it was easier to destroy them.”

She moves on to the American moon landing:

Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don’t believe all they tell me, that’s for sure.”

Jesus, is there some kind of pill they make you take in acting class that turns you into a complete moron? I don’t know about your tower in Spain sweetie, but the next time it catches on fire, douse it with 10,000 gallons of jet fuel then get back to me. I mean, that is if you have time. I imagine the world can’t wait to hear your thoughts on how Bigfoot killed JFK or how AIDS was invented to put an end to Welfare.

Apologetic update: Cotillard’s lawyer released the following statement: “Marion never intended to contest nor question the attacks of September 11, 2001, and regrets the way old remarks have been taken out of context.” Ah, I see. I’d love to hear her say why 9/11 was an inside job in its proper context.

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The Oscars Were Last Night



The biggest excuse for Hollywood to suck itself off celebrated its 80th anniversary last night, and with the exception of Tilda Swinton, the winners went pretty much as expected. And as usual, they were mostly wrong. There Will Be Blood got robbed and if I was a 15 year old girl, I’d feel pretty good about my chances at winning a screenwriting Oscar next year. “That ain’t no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, Homeskillet.” Really? That’s a line from an Oscar-winning screenplay? If I heard someone talk like that in real life, my only recourse would be an uppercut. And they would deserve it.

Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody, Juno
Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Best Actress in a Leading Role: Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
Best Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men

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