Yesterday, Katy Perry and Funny Or Die asked everyone to vote naked, and things were looking good for Hillary Clinton. Today, Madonna said she joining Katy Perry to vote naked, now Hillary will probably have to kill her. I don’t even think Madonna is gonna vote, she just heard “naked” and thought it was 1992 and we’d want to see all this. Christ. Thanks, Madonna. When Putin tells Trump where to launch the nuke, I hope you’re not there at the time.
Katy Perry and Madonna did a photoshoot for V Magazine, and I really don't even know where to start. Oh, wait. Yes I do. 1.) they both have bangs 2.) Madonna is like 70 and they Photoshopped her arms 3.) Katy Perry is wearing something that covers her rack 4.) it's dumb, 5.) hasn't Madonna done this like a thousand times already? We get it. You're "sexual". Now go take your Actvia and knit a sweater, grandma. Tell Miranda Kerr to swap clothes with you on the way out.
In an article she wrote for Harper's Bazaar, Madonna reveals that she was raped on a roof during her first year in New York City. Uhhh, let's hear it for New York? There's nothing you can do, because you're paying rent in New York, these streets will make you feel brand new because all your shit was stolen, big knives will inspire you to go up on a roof so you won't die but get raped instead. Sorry, I'm not the best lyricist.
I didn't have many friends; I might not have had any friends. But it all turned out good in the end, because when you aren't popular and you don't have a social life, it gives you more time to focus on your future. And for me, that was going to New York to become a REAL artist. To be able to express myself in a city of nonconformists. To revel and shimmy and shake in a world and be surrounded by daring people.
New York wasn't everything I thought it would be. It did not welcome me with open arms. The first year, I was held up at gunpoint. Raped on the roof of a building I was dragged up to with a knife in my back, and had my apartment broken into three times. I don't know why; I had nothing of value after they took my radio the first time.
Well, damn. That's depressing. There's nothing funny about rape unless you're raping some nachos or maybe some chicken wings, but I hope Law & Order: SVU picks this up and runs with it. Will Det. Benson make a horrified face before every scene break? Will the ADA say he doesn't have enough evidence to prosecute because we're only in Act II? Will Dr. Warner tell somebody to step off she ain't retesting the DNA? Will Det. Tutuola offer his opinion of the crime by saying, "that's messed up"? I'm anxious to find out!
In a poll conducted by Star Magazine, Gwyneth Paltrow was named the Most Hated Celebrity. Why? Because she's completely hateable and an overall vile and pretentious human being who would probably kill herself if she if somebody showed her a picture of a Taco Bell. Anyway, here's the rest of the Top 10.
1. Gwyneth Paltrow
2. Kristen Stewart
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. John Mayer
5. Katherine Heigl
6. Matt Lauer
8. Justin Bieber
9. Anne Hathaway
10. Kris Jenner
Not sure why Chris Brown or Tom Hanks aren't ranked higher. Especially Tom Hanks. I read a story last week that said he has a farm where he makes Cambodian orphans drown puppies. It was pretty terrible.
In a 12-minute rant at the GLAAD Awards last night, Madonna talked about bullying, homophobia, and how the Boy Scouts doesn’t allow 50-year old evil witches. E! reports:
“I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but they wouldn’t let me join,” Madonna joked. “I think that’s f–ked up. I can build a fire. I know how to pitch a tent. I have a very good sense of direction. I can rescue kittens from trees.” “I want to do good for the community,” Madonna continued. “Most importantly I know how to scout for boys. So, I think I should be allowed to be a Boy Scout and they should change their stupid rules.”
I don’t know if Madonna picked up on this during her speech, but that’s why it’s called the BOY Scouts. Meaning, boys are only allowed to join. Maybe she should have tried to join the GIRL Scouts. They have better cookies anyway. What she should have said is that the Boy Scouts hate gay people, but they dress all the boys up in short shorts and scarves. That just sends a mixed message to everybody involved.
You’d have to make a few trips around the world to find someone with their head farther up their own ass than Madonna, so of course during the Washington, D.C. stop of her MDNA Tour last night, Madonna decided to ramble like old, rich white women do about politics. After talking about Abraham Lincoln and how all black people are assassinated, Madonna said this (1:47 mark).
“Y’all better vote for fucking Obama, OK? For better or for worse, all right? We have a black Muslim in the White House. Now that’s some amazing shit. It means there is hope in this country. And Obama is fighting for gay rights, so support the man, goddamnit.”
I think that pretty much sealed. Romney thought Obama’s lead was big before, haha well hold on to your fucking (more…)
M.I.A. proved how edgy she is at the Super Bowl yesterday, where she gave cameras the finger while reciting lyrics like “I don’t give a shit.” Is this what flat chested girls do to get attention instead of ripping their tops off? Because really, if anything says “rebel,” it’s lip syncing along with a 53-year-old woman. I hear she may try jay-walking next. Look at this badass!
[SinglePic not found]
Seeing as we’re in a global recession, Madonna has come under fire for charging so much for concert tickets. Her response was cute. NME reports:
Madonna has shrugged off complaints that her live shows are too expensive and told her fans to “work all year” so they can spend their money on gig tickets. The singer is expected to tour this year in support of her new album ‘MDNA’, which is released on March 26, but told Newsweek that people should be prepared to save their cash and pay top prices if they wanted to see her in concert. She said: “Start saving your pennies now. People spend $300 (£190) on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together and come to my show. I’m worth it.”
Please tell me this bitch wasn’t serious. If I’m paying $300 to see an aging, veiny hag gyrate her pelvis and lip sync in a pathetic attempt to stay relevant and hip, it better at least end in Adderall and nitrous oxide. Wait, who were we talking about again?
[SinglePic not found]
Madonna won an award no one cares about. Except Elton John, because he lost it. So did his husband. On Facebook. Because apparently everyone involved is a 14-year-old girl. The New York Post reports:
Sir Elton John and David Furnish are fuming over Madonna’s Golden Globes win. After John predicted on the red carpet that Madonna had “no [bleep]ing chance of winning,” he was stone-faced when Madge — at her first Globes appearance in 14 years — triumphed for best original song Sunday night. Her tune “Masterpiece,” from “W.E.,” beat John’s “Hello, Hello” from “Gnomeo and Juliet.” After the win, Furnish posted on Facebook: “Madonna. Best song???? [bleep] off!!!” After her acceptance speech Madonna delivered in a bizarre English accent, Furnish told us: “I think it was a fluke . . . When this happens you have to question the integrity of the awards. Did Madonna get the Golden Globe because she attended the awards and agreed be a presenter?” He added, “Can you sing Madonna’s song? Can you hum it? It’s a song nobody has heard, from a film few have seen. The award should have gone to Mary J. Blige or Elton. I like Madonna’s music, but not her movies. She should stick to what she is good at.”
Even the Hollywood Foreign Press Association knows the Golden Globes have nothing to do with merit, so I don’t know why this is so surprising to them. Madonna has an upcoming movie and a new album to promote, so she wins. Elton John should stay home from all award ceremonies until Kate Middleton has enough kids to warrant a carefully orchestrated car crash. Then he might matter enough for people to care again.
[SinglePic not found]
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Madonna does not give a shit — just ask her about “Born This Way.” Us Weekly reports:
“I thought, this is a wonderful way to redo my song [“Express Yourself”],” she tells the mag. “I mean, I recognized the chord changes. I thought it was… interesting.” Madonna, 53, isn’t the first to question the originality of Gaga’s hit song. In April, NME asked the 25-year-old pop star if she thought “Born this Way” was a knockoff of Madonna’s song, and she was outraged. “I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music,” she fumed. “Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody?” She raged on: “What a completely ridiculous thing to even question me about… If you put the songs next to each other, side by side, the only similarities are the chord progression. It’s the same one that’s been in disco music for the last 50 years. Just because I’m the first f***ing artist in 25 years to think of putting it on Top 40 radio, it doesn‚t mean I’m a plagiarist, it means that I‚m f***ing smart. Sorry.”
In a sitdown interview with ABC News, Madge continued:
The “Material Girl” sounded lukewarm in U.S. interviews released on Friday, calling her influence on Gaga’s music “interesting” and “amusing.” Sometimes. “I certainly think she references me a lot in her work. And sometimes I think it’s amusing and flattering and well done,” Madonna, 53, told ABC News in a television interview. “There’s a lot of ways to look at it. I can’t really be annoyed by it…because obviously, I’ve influenced her,” the pop star told ABC. The comparisons between the two divas, both known for combining provocative stunts with catchy dance-pop hits, came to a head when Gaga released her “Born This Way” single last February. The song was instantly likened to Madonna’s 1989 hit “Express Yourself”. “When I heard it on the radio .I said that sounds very familiar,” Madonna said. Asked if that felt annoying, Madonna responded, “It felt reductive.”
Well damn. I would elaborate further, but Madonna pretty much owned Lady Gaga so much that she could probably change her name to Toby.