I’m a lazy sack of shit with a huge stack of presents to wrap, so here’s Lucy Pinder and her nsfw huge stack to tide you over until Monday. In the meantime, I’ll be getting drunk off eggnog and rum cake with my mom’s side as we celebrate the birth of the savior that my dad’s side killed 33 years later. Merry Christmas! (And Feliz Navidad to those of you I’ll regret by the 26th.)
In case you thought I died in the earthquake, I’m sorry. I survived. And since I’m like an abusive boyfriend who is like Thor’s hammer in bed, here’s a reminder why you always come back to this site even though your friends think I’ve brainwashed you and your dad has threatened to shoot me on sight. Lucy Pinder‘s 2012 calendar is about to come out. You can see the full previews here (NSFW), but if I were you, I’d sit down first.
I just realized that I have Tracy Morgan, burning wreckage, and Britney Spears giving a lap dance on the main page right now, so to signal in a new era of posts that people will actually want to read, here's Lucy Pinder naked in the new issue of NUTS. As you look at these pics, please understand that this is what the media has convinced you that Christina Hendricks looks like when she takes her clothes off. When in reality, Han Solo would use Christina Hendricks to keep Luke Skywalker warm on Hoth, the sixth planet of a remote system of the same name. It is a world blanketed by snow and ice. Many meteorites from a nearby asteroid belt pelt the planet's surface, making temporary craters in the planet's ever-moving snow drifts. Hoth has three moons, all uninhabited. Its native creatures include the wampa and the tauntaun.
All any outlets are reporting on is the royal wedding of two mediocre looking British people. Here’s topless (NSFW) Lucy Pinder instead. You’re welcome.
Hey there, just a quick note to wish everybody a happy holiday, and most importantly, to let you know that we won’t be back until Monday. In the meantime, I hope Santa brings you everything you want. And, no. I won’t get you that. I’m not your daddy, so please stop emailing me about that one thing. And while you’re at it, stop drinking. Christ, can’t you go anywhere without being drunk? What’s wrong with you?! There’s kids here for godsakes! What?! Well fine! Drink your life away! I don’t even know why I bother with you anymore!
Hey, remember when Frankenstein’s monster wanted a companion because he was alone and miserable and said that one as deformed and horrible as himself would not deny herself to him? Yeah, all that other stuff would have been avoided if Lucy Pinder had lived in 19th century England and had died of an ax to the face at some point.
Since his ex-wife’s dignity and self-respect was only worth $100 million, Tiger Woods is taking his remaining $500 million and building a Center For Whores Who Can Blow Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. TMZ reports:
With the real estate market still in the crapper … Tiger Woods recently took out a $54.5 million mortgage for the mega-mansion he’s building on Florida’s exclusive Jupiter Island. TMZ has obtained legal documents filed in Martin County on August 27 — four days after Tiger finalized his divorce from Elin Nordegren — in which he lists himself as a “single man” … possibly for the first time since his marriage ended. Tiger also agrees to pay back the gargantuan loan by January 15, 2016. So, it seems there’s one group of people counting on Tiger to make a comeback — his lenders. Tiger’s property spans across three parcels of land … and as we’ve previously reported, the estate will include a tennis court, oxygen therapy room, multiple pools and a state-of-the-art fitness center.
I’m sure Elin is a nice lady with many admirable qualities, but Tiger Woods is one of the most famous athletes in the world. He shouldn’t be changing diapers, he should be waking up on top of twin 18-year old’s with nosebleeds and paper macheing models with hundreds and semen.
Note: The banner pic is Lucy Pinder. Tiger should try to hit that.