Lindsay Said She Handled Whitney Houston’s Dead Body
Lindsay Said She Handled Whitney Houston’s Dead Body

 

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan did community at the morgue  instead of rotting in jail? Vaguely? Cool. Anyway, she says when she was there she rolled a body bag that had Whitney Houston‘s body in it.

Lindsay Lohan had a run-in with Whitney Houston while performing her community service — thing is, Whitney was dead. Lindsay was working at the L.A. County Morgue in her probation violation case a few years back when she came in contact with Whitney’s body … so she tells the Telegraph to promote her upcoming London play. She mused, “It’s different for me than it would be for other people. Like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.” A quick check of the timeline shows Lindsay might not be making this one up. Houston passed away tragically on February 11, 2012 … and Lindsay did her time at the morgue from October 2011 through March 2012.

Damn, cool story. But it came out of Lindsay’s mouth, it’s a complete fabrication of reality.

Lindsay Lohan is lying when she says she had to roll Whitney Houston‘s body bag at the L.A. County Morgue … because Whitney was never in a body bag. An official from the Coroner’s Office tells TMZ … Whitney was NEVER in a body bag and no one in the probation program came in contact with Whitney’s body…Whitney died on Saturday, Feb 11, 2012. The autopsy was performed the next day and her body was gone by morning. No one from any court-ordered probation program came in contact with the body … according to the Coroner’s official. The official says Whitney was wrapped in plastic with a sheet cover the entire time she was at the morgue. In fact, she was taken out in plastic — not a body bag.

I don’t know exactly what Lindsay rolled, but it apparently had a hallucinogen in it, or she’s trying to insert herself into a story that has nothing to do with her to make herself sound more interesting. Like they did with Jennifer Lawrence in the last X-Men movie. I know she won an Oscar for something else while under contract for this horseshit. And what was up with the scene of Hugh Jackman’s ass? isn’t he a little old for you, Bryan Singer? Pull it together, man.

 

 

 

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Lindsay’s Credit Card Got Declined In A Club
Lindsay’s Credit Card Got Declined In A Club

 

BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan attempted to pay for something.

The starlet, who is soon about to work again in a London production of David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow,” was dismayed when her credit card was declined at 1Oak in Southampton on Saturday night. In a rare move, Lohan was attempting to pay the $2,500 bill for her table and bottles of vodka, when her card was rejected. A source said, “Lindsay freaked out when her card was declined. Her friends and others in her group had to chip in to cover the bill.” Bartenders and servers take note, Lohan makes her London West End debut on Sept. 24.

Either Lindsay didn’t know how much available credit she had, or she did the updated version of, “I forgot my wallet at home”. Both scenarios seem plausible. Also plausible? Weredinosaurs. Think about it.

 

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Lindsay Lohan’s Bikini Selfies Require Dim Lighting
Lindsay Lohan’s Bikini Selfies Require Dim Lighting

 

Unlike boo thang, when Lindsay Lohan takes a bikini selfie, several elements have to come together to make it work. Elements such as weird angles, dim lighting, filters, and a healthy suspension of disbelief. Because when this hits the light of day, the illusion just completely falls apart into a damn mess and you see that the only D she’s not getting is from the sun. If you bought a ticket to see Mean Girls then fell into a coma then woke up last week, you’d think she moved to Atalanta and contracted Ebola.

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Lindsay Lohan Is On Vacation

 

Quick: Tell me the last time Lindsay Lohan got paid to be in anything. Stop, you won’t be able to, it’s too early to think that hard. But that doesn’t stop Lindsay from taking vacation in Ibiza and contaminating the water supply and making the sun work. I guess we’re all left to wonder how she can afford to party in Ibiza without zero taxable income. My only guess is that we can take clues from other pictures she’s taken. She can open her mouth really wide.

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Lindsay Lohan Has Priorities
Lindsay Lohan Has Priorities

 

While her world is perpetually crumbling around her as she is about to lose another job for lacking any semblance of professionalism and perspective of herself, Lindsay Lohan took a bikini selfie. If she looks happy and comfortable here, it’s only because she’s been in this position more than things who actually have four legs.

 

pic source = Instagram

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Lindsay Lohan Had Her Hands Between Her Legs The Whole Time

Lindsay Lohan is still in London, so here she is at the 1 Embankment party in a sheer dress with her hands on her vagina in like half these pics. Not sure what's really going on with all that. STD? Drug mule? It was cold outside? She's had another miscarriage? She needed to seal an old envelope? Lots of different scenarios here.

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You Can’t Smoke Meth With Us

Legendary star of the stage and screen, Lindsay Lohan, was photographed leaving Chiltern Firehouse in London last night, and it should be obvious to everyone that she was there to celebrate her starring role in the new Star Wars movie or her engagement to Leonardo DiCaprio or whatever delusional, insane shit she believed when she was high on cocaine.

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Lindsay Lohan Made $150K By Lying, Not Responding To A Lawsuit
Lindsay Lohan Made $150K By Lying, Not Responding To A Lawsuit

 

Only Lindsay Lohan would sue somebody for $1.1M over leggings, and only Lindsay Lohan could completely ignore the countersuit and walk away with $150,000 by using her greatest performance to date: playing the victim.

Double victory for Lindsay Lohan … she just got $150k to settle her lawsuit against a clothing company — huge money for Linds — and now, she won't have to talk about her miscarriage in court. According to new legal docs, Lindsay's clothing label 6126 struck the settlement agreement this week with D.N.A.M. Apparel Industries, the company she sued last year for $1.1 million. Lindsay claimed D.N.A.M. failed to pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars for licensing her 6126 trademark for international clothing sales. D.N.A.M. sued Lindsay right back, insisting her druggie reputation made it impossible to unload the merch. We're told the settlement kills BOTH lawsuits — and D.N.A.M.'s demand to force Lindsay to testify about the miscarriage … which she had raised as an excuse for not responding to their lawsuit.

BRACE YOURSELF…

Just last week Lohan told the court she’d been too distressed by her alleged miscarriage and the burdens of supposed sobriety to respond to the lawsuit. DNAM served Lohan papers in the case “over the Christmas and New Year’s holidays,” according to papers obtained by Radar, but she never responded and a court found her in default. And so, she brought her sob story for the judge asking for more time to file her response. “When I was in rehab, [my attorney] was unable to contact me to discuss the case,” she said in the documents.  “After I completed my 90 day program I moved back to New York.” And ever since, she wrote, “I have been overwhelmed since leaving rehab and dealing with my sobriety and a miscarriage.” Multiple sources insist that Lohan’s miscarriage story was a ploy “to garner sympathy and explain unprofessional behavior.”

So to recap, Lindsay basically refused to acknowlegde the countersuit existed, then when she was finally called on it, she said, "oh yeah, I had a miscarriage and I do a bunch of drugs. my b", the WALKED AWAY WITH $150,000 instead of being locked up for perjury, because the judge said, "Oh, word? Next case." It's time to admit to ourselves that this bitch is completely untouchable. You could shoot her point blank in the face and she could sue you for punitive damages because she chipped a tooth when she spit the bullet out.

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Lindsay Is Doing Well, Topless
Lindsay Is Doing Well, Topless

 

Being a world traveling crackwhore can get expensive, so when a random dude asked you to take your top off and take a selfie, you do it. No questions asked. Like Lindsay Lohan is doing here. I don't want to assume what the context of this picture is, but I feel like this dude probably asked if she had change for a $20.

 

pic source = Instagram

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Lindsay Lohan Hates Jennifer Lawrence, Really Needs A Bra
Lindsay Lohan Hates Jennifer Lawrence, Really Needs A Bra

 

There's a few reasons to dislike Jennifer Lawrence, but this is two women we're talking about here, so Lindsay's reasons can only either be shoes or penis. And this is Lindsay Lohan, so it's penis.

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t like Jennifer Lawrence — and it’s not because she’s getting more gigs than her. The hatred actually stems from Lilo’s long list of lovers and the fact that JLaw’s boyfriend, Nicholas Hoult, isn’t included Star magazine reports. “She tried to hook up with him back in 2010, but he wouldn’t give her the time of day,” an insider told the magazine. “She called him nonstop. Finally, he told her to buzz off. Now she’s bitter and taking out her anger on Jen.”

Whatever. But can we all form a prayer circle for Lindsay's tits? I would go on Facebook and ask for Prayer Warriors, and I wouldn't even have to say for what, because apparently God knows who needs the prayer. But look at her boobs. They look like something you'd send back at Waffle House, so I feel like I need to be specific here.

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