Lindsay Lohan Found A New Revenue Stream
Lindsay Lohan Found A New Revenue Stream

Zimmer Ice Lab must not have a lot of money in their marketing budget, because here’s Lindsay Lohan on Instagram showing you the benefits of cryotherapy. Not only does it treat and repair tissue damage, you also come out super high.

Lindsay Lohan Cryotherapy

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Lindsay Lohan Has 21 Days To Do 105 Hours Of Community Service

BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan does dumb shit.

Lindsay Lohan has come up “woefully short” with her remaining community service hours and should face arrest as soon as she returns to the U.S. from London, a California prosecutor said Wednesday. The “Mean Girls” star is due for a probation progress report Thursday, and so far she’s completed less than 20 hours of the 125 additional community service hours she agreed to complete by May 28, Santa Monica City Attorney Terry White told the Daily News. “We’ll probably ask that her probation be revoked,” White said Wednesday. “It doesn’t appear she’s taking it very seriously.” Lohan received the extra hours after White challenged the log sheet she submitted in January to satisfy the sentence in her 2012 reckless driving conviction. “She’s had more than enough opportunity to finish. But she turned in some hours that were extremely suspect, that the court disallowed, and now, given the last chance of all last chances, she’s come up.”

Lindsay completed 240 hours of community service back in January at the very last possible minute, so never underestimate the last minute scheduling of a woman who loves coke more than she fears jail. She’s gonna get this time done, because nobody in prison is gonna pay her an eight ball to jack off on her tits.

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Lindsay Lohan Is A Communist
Lindsay Lohan Is A Communist

Lindsay Lohan is doing community service today and she took a picture and posted it to Instagram. This was the caption.

Communist Service -office day

When you think of community service, you think “oh fuck yes I’m not in jail let me do this remedial, asinine task for a few months while I remember that I’m nit in jail so let me show, do whatever and leave but not before the person signs my sheet that I have to turn in after it’s all over because if I don’t that would be jail again”. I would say Lindsay thinks that too, but Lindsay doesn’t know how to spell community.

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Lindsay Lohan Speaks Fluent Arabic
Lindsay Lohan Speaks Fluent Arabic

You’d think as much time as Lindsay Lohan gets discreetly flown to Saudi Arabia to lie on a tarp in a mansion basement that she would have learned basic conversational Arabic by now, but she thought this said “You’re Beautiful”, and she’s probably never heard that spoken before. It actually means “You’re An Ass”, so you can never say Saudis don’t have a sense of humor.

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Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Want To Date Anybody In Hollywood Anymore

Lindsay Lohan is on the cover and gets interviewed in the spring 2015 issue of something called Homme Style magazine, where she says she doesn’t want to hahaha just read it. Good stuff, good stuff.

“I haven’t really thought about it in a while, I’ve been so focused on my career,” Lohan, 28, tells Homme Style magazine of her love life. “At this time, I’d probably have to say someone not in show business, maybe a businessman.”

I appreciate the level of whatever mental illness Lindsay has that makes her think anybody in Hollywood actually wants to date her and she just doesn’t want to be bothered. Another scenario would be that everybody in Hollywood has already been balls deep in her mouth already, but don’t like having to drop lock their coke up in a vault at the bottom of the ocean whenever she comes over. She should totally try to date a LA businessman. Maybe she’ll get a tan and some free oranges from the back of his truck when she visits him at work.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Still Good At Photoshop
Lindsay Lohan Is Still Good At Photoshop

With all the free time she has, you’d think Lindsay Lohan would be able to bring Paul Walker back to life in Photoshop by now, but then you remember that cokeheads live in a differently reality and she probably convinced herself this look totally natural when she posted it. It totally does. If you look really close you can see James Spader and Kurt Russell walking through.

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Hey, Here’s Lindsay’s Nipple
Hey, Here’s Lindsay’s Nipple

In 2006, I probably would have posted this picture of Lindsay Lohan’s nipple  if I was flying into a mountain on a Germanwings plane, now not so much. To be honest, I’m actually just trying to get this out of the way so I post other stuff. But if you want to see a boob more than you’ve seen your own, click HERE . Good times.

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Lindsay Is Great At Photoshop
Lindsay Is Great At Photoshop

Lindsay Lohan posted this pic on Instagram last night, and boy, does her ass look great, doesn’t it? Also, the door she’s standing in front of is a portal to another dimension. That’s pretty neat.

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Lindsay Lohan Thought She Had A Hood Pass
Lindsay Lohan Thought She Had A Hood Pass

Sometimes when white girls are at a concert or the club, they get too turnt up in the moment and forget to lock down their casual racism. It happens. It’s adorable. Cue Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan is about to learn a life lesson … nothing on the Internet is ever really gone … because her attempt to delete the N-word from social media has failed miserably.  Lohan went to see Kanye West perform Tuesday night as part of Paris Fashion Week. She posted a photo of Kanye onstage that included the caption, “#kanye&kimAlldaynigga$.” Lindsay deleted the corresponding tweet and edited the Instagram post to remove the N-word ... but her followers noticed and called her out on it.

Obviously, Lindsay Lohan isn’t racist as much as she is just dumb, because as we all know, if you’re gonna say “nigger”, you should say it at the privacy of your own home or in your fraternity. Or replace with words like thug. Or criminal.  Or welfare queen. Or socialist. or Kenyan. Or President. Christ, has Fox News taught you nothing?

 

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Settle Down, Lindsay
Settle Down, Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan posted this pic to Instagram this weekend. Why? Not sure. Oh I know. If you are a distinguished gentleman looking for a sophisticated lady, look no further. Her intellect will amaze, her beauty will entice, and her charm will intrigue you. She has the wonderful ability to bring smiles to the company she keeps, and she finds great satisfaction in knowing she has left you feeling totally pampered and special. If you find sexy, flirty fun as your cup of tea, please don’t hesitate to contact her. Why wait any longer to enjoy her one-of-a-kind companionship? She’s ready for you, but are you ready for her ?

She looks forward to hearing from you soon. Until then……

  • $350*    1 hour
  • $500*    90 min
  • $650*    2 hours
  • $925*    3 hours

(* = fee can be paid in coke and/or a role in a SAG film)

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