Lindsay Lohan Spreads For Everyone

Here’s Lindsay Lohan in the upcoming issue of Hunger Magazine. Did they specifically ask her to spread her legs, or is that just like a natural impulse? I like how Hunger saved money on the shoot though. The guy who called the escort service probably just texted them the pics from his phone.

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Lindsay Lohan Has Joint Pain Or Something

 I’ve been here for a long time, and if you would have told me that Lindsay Lohan would still be alive in 2015, I would have thrown my Motorola RAZR at your face. She does have an incurable virus, so I guess my prediction was half right.

Lindsay Lohan is in a London hospital with a rare, incurable virus she apparently picked up in Bora Bora … TMZ has learned.  We’re told Lindsay contracted Chikungunya, a virus transmitted by mosquito bites that causes fever, joint pain and fatigue.   Lindsay vacationed in Bora Bora over the holidays and then flew to L.A. to shoot an Esurance commercial … we believe for the Super Bowl.  Lindsay began complaining of the illness just before New Year’s. She then went back to London where she became so ill she couldn’t walk.  Lindsay is currently in King Edward VII’s Hospital … the same place the Queen gets treated. They’re keeping Lindsay because she has a high fever and the joint pain is unbearable. As for her prognosis … we’re told the joint pain could last for months.

Lindsay should make a full recovery, because as we know, joints were never Lindsay’s problem.

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Lindsay Lohan Has Some Kind Of Virus

It was inevitable that Lindsay Lohan would contract a virus at some point, but if you didn’t bet on “French mosquitoes”, I’m afraid that you have lost some money.

The troubled actress, 28, was diagnosed with the Chikungunya virus during her French Polynesian holiday. According to the World Health Organization, Chikungunya is transmitted through mosquito bites and causes fever, severe joint pain among other unpleasant symptoms. There is no cure; treatment primarily focus on reliving symptoms. “Before I got Chikungunya use bug spray please, God bless,” she tweeted on December 27. The following day she updated everyone on her condition saying, “Being sick is no fun. But happy new year everyone. Be safe. Love all.” She also refuses to let her illness keep her from a good time. “In good faith with good people,” she captioned an Instagram with friends. “I refuse to let a virus [affect] my peaceful vacation be safe and happy on the new year all #wildfox and positive, healthy new year.”

Lindsay is still partying and talking selfies with friends, so she’s basically the Ebola Nurse with slightly better eyebrows and more disposable income for cocaine.

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Lindsay Lohan Started A New Clothing Line

It’s called….MY ADDICTION and you can get it online for $29.95 or you can get it at PacSun if you’d rather take your skateboard. A small portion of the proceeds go to the Chinese children who make it.

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I Missed Some Halloween Pics: Instagram Edition

Halloween was Friday. Whatever. Here’s some pics of celebrities dressing up I got off Instagram. To be honest, the only one I actually looked at was the one of Ariana Grande‘s butt. Because I really enjoy her butt a great deal. My tongue just said so.

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Lindsay Lohan Took A Topless Selfie
Lindsay Lohan Took A Topless Selfie

 

Hey, guys. So, my old ass laptop died for the second time, and the Indian guy who fixed it said it’s finally good now, but little does he know I just downloaded a STD in the form of a Lindsay Lohan topless selfie with her huge boobs covered up by her hair. Haha, let me see you fix this, Indian guy!

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Lindsay’s Stage Debut Thing Was A Complete Disaster
Lindsay’s Stage Debut Thing Was A Complete Disaster

 

Lindsay Lohan has been in London for a while now because she was hooking and because she was cast in David Mamet’s play Speed The Plow. But mostly hooking. Well, her first performance was last night and it was just as Lohaned as you’d expect.

Lohan was a disaster … unprepared, nervous and flubbing lines left and right. According to several accounts … people backstage were feeding Lindsay her lines. Even more obvious … she carried a prop book with her dialogue and repeatedly consulted it. The theater was reportedly only half full. Lohan was described as looking pale and nervous … a look she usually reserves for the judge.

Like, for real, did anybody think this was gonna be any different? I wouldn’t cast Lindsay as an extra in a movie about Lindsay Lohan.

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Lindsay Said She Handled Whitney Houston’s Dead Body
Lindsay Said She Handled Whitney Houston’s Dead Body

 

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan did community at the morgue  instead of rotting in jail? Vaguely? Cool. Anyway, she says when she was there she rolled a body bag that had Whitney Houston‘s body in it.

Lindsay Lohan had a run-in with Whitney Houston while performing her community service — thing is, Whitney was dead. Lindsay was working at the L.A. County Morgue in her probation violation case a few years back when she came in contact with Whitney’s body … so she tells the Telegraph to promote her upcoming London play. She mused, “It’s different for me than it would be for other people. Like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.” A quick check of the timeline shows Lindsay might not be making this one up. Houston passed away tragically on February 11, 2012 … and Lindsay did her time at the morgue from October 2011 through March 2012.

Damn, cool story. But it came out of Lindsay’s mouth, it’s a complete fabrication of reality.

Lindsay Lohan is lying when she says she had to roll Whitney Houston‘s body bag at the L.A. County Morgue … because Whitney was never in a body bag. An official from the Coroner’s Office tells TMZ … Whitney was NEVER in a body bag and no one in the probation program came in contact with Whitney’s body…Whitney died on Saturday, Feb 11, 2012. The autopsy was performed the next day and her body was gone by morning. No one from any court-ordered probation program came in contact with the body … according to the Coroner’s official. The official says Whitney was wrapped in plastic with a sheet cover the entire time she was at the morgue. In fact, she was taken out in plastic — not a body bag.

I don’t know exactly what Lindsay rolled, but it apparently had a hallucinogen in it, or she’s trying to insert herself into a story that has nothing to do with her to make herself sound more interesting. Like they did with Jennifer Lawrence in the last X-Men movie. I know she won an Oscar for something else while under contract for this horseshit. And what was up with the scene of Hugh Jackman’s ass? isn’t he a little old for you, Bryan Singer? Pull it together, man.

 

 

 

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Lindsay’s Credit Card Got Declined In A Club
Lindsay’s Credit Card Got Declined In A Club

 

BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan attempted to pay for something.

The starlet, who is soon about to work again in a London production of David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow,” was dismayed when her credit card was declined at 1Oak in Southampton on Saturday night. In a rare move, Lohan was attempting to pay the $2,500 bill for her table and bottles of vodka, when her card was rejected. A source said, “Lindsay freaked out when her card was declined. Her friends and others in her group had to chip in to cover the bill.” Bartenders and servers take note, Lohan makes her London West End debut on Sept. 24.

Either Lindsay didn’t know how much available credit she had, or she did the updated version of, “I forgot my wallet at home”. Both scenarios seem plausible. Also plausible? Weredinosaurs. Think about it.

 

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Lindsay Lohan’s Bikini Selfies Require Dim Lighting
Lindsay Lohan’s Bikini Selfies Require Dim Lighting

 

Unlike boo thang, when Lindsay Lohan takes a bikini selfie, several elements have to come together to make it work. Elements such as weird angles, dim lighting, filters, and a healthy suspension of disbelief. Because when this hits the light of day, the illusion just completely falls apart into a damn mess and you see that the only D she’s not getting is from the sun. If you bought a ticket to see Mean Girls then fell into a coma then woke up last week, you’d think she moved to Atalanta and contracted Ebola.

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