Lindsay Lost Her Top



What do you get when you cross an drug-addicted slut in a loose bikini top whose constant need for attention can only be rivaled by her need for free coke and vodka shots and relentless ocean waves? Well, these NSFW pictures of course.

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Machete: “Lindsay Is Nude The Whole Time”



The chicks, I mean women, no wait…womyn over at Jezebel have wished castration on me in the past, so I try to avoid them whenever I can, but they should have thought about that before they posted an email from a reader who saw an early screening of Machete.

I saw Machete. It’s really well-executed exploitation… but Lindsay is barely in it. She’s nude almost the whole time (except for the “nun with a gun” scene), and she has a videotaped ménage à trois with her mother (not Dina) and Danny Trejo in a pool. Her father pulls her out of a drug den type situation and confesses (to priest Cheech Marin) to lustful thoughts about his daughter. “i just wish she’d look at me as more of a man.” I don’t know if the small role was tailored to her… But. Yeah.

Say what you want about Lindsay (and she would deserve it), but her rack has never been the problem. It succeeds in spite of Lindsay. Like white kids in public schools.

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Lindsay Is Getting Naked Again



Lindsay’s career is a dead body wrapped in a tarp being pushed off a cliff in a shopping cart, so she has to get naked every chance she gets. It won’t help. Us Magazine reports:
Lindsay Lohan is ready to take it all off again for the cameras — with or without her booze bracelet. The 23-year-old star will pose nude in print ads for her 6126 line of handbags, LAmag.com reported Monday. Richard Luna of The California Bag (which licenses the 6126 totes) told the magazine that Lohan will doff her clothes and roll around in a bed for a photo shoot in L.A. next month. Luna wasn’t sure whether Lohan’s court-mandated SCRAM bracelet would be part of the racy pictorial. “We’re thinking of having police on hand so we can remove the ankle bracelet for the pictures.” He then noted that the actress might be photographed both with and without the alcohol-monitoring device — or the accessory might be airbrushed later on.

Whatever. I’m already bored. Unless this photographer guy can find a way to turn her inside out, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen everything already.

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Lindsay Lohan Is A Porn Star



TMZ has the first promotional posters for, Inferno, the biopic starring Lindsay Lohan as legendary porn star Linda Lovelace. Be sure to remember what these look like. The DVD bargain bin at Wal-Mart gets a little full sometimes.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Writing A Tell-All Book
Lindsay Lohan Is Writing A Tell-All Book



Because she has a lot of free time on her hands and wants to “tell-all” before Mark Ebner gets around to prolapsing her anus more than it already is, Lindsay is writing a book. Yes, you just read that. Lindsay Lohan. Writing a book.
Popeater
reports:
“I write a lot and it’s very therapeutic for me because then I can see what’s happening on paper,” she told OK! Magazine. “I’ve started writing a book. It’s going to take a while, all my life experiences. I started writing it a year ago. There’s a lot to put down, you know?” Lindsay also compared her multiple stints in rehab to vacations. “It was a nice time to shut everyone off for a while because there was so much noise. There were some things I had done… I had put myself in situations which I probably should have thought through.” Perhaps she wants to clear up the party girl image that she is so famous for. “When I was in school I didn’t drink, or even try one, until I was probably 18,” she said. “Literally, and I’m not lying about that. I’m just some sort of a target for some reason! I’m made out all the time to be the bad guy!”

I have no idea why she needs to write a book, because all people have to do is look to the right and click on “Lindsay Lohan” and they’ll find out all the need to know. But since I’m a reclusive shut-inhuge Internet sensation with many contacts in my phonethe industry, I received a partial preview of the chapter names:

Chapter 1: I played twins in that one movie
Chapter 2: I have big tits
Chapter &: Cocaine, what’s all this about?
Chapter 4br5: Semen: It’s warm.
Chapter rainbow: I fucking love coloring!!
Chapter 9: Daddy
Chapter y: Vagina. It’s also warm
Chapter ?: How to flee a scene
Chapter 465: Semen: It’s warm. Did I mention that?
Chapter 76: Unemployment forms: How to fill them out
Chapter 86fs: I’m positive. Wait, that’s good, right?

Lindsay at Sketch Nightclub. Ironically, the same two words that will be in her obituary:

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Tits On The Ground!



Scientists and leading researchers have pondered for years how Lindsay Lohan could have more cocks inside her than a KFC and not have a sex tape, but yeah, they can stop worrying now. The Daily Mail reports:

The Mean Girls actress is currently bracing herself for the internet release of a private video file…The man offering around the sex video is a waiter with a well-known chain restaurant, according to the Daily Mirror…He has been told he has to release the footage to an ‘offshore porn site’, and it will then be available across the world. Now a source told the Mirror: ‘This video file is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act which, obviously, should remain behind closed doors.’ They added: ‘If and when it is released on the internet, via a spurious, unofficial website, there is absolutely nothing she or her lawyers can do about it.’

“Private video file”? I love the British, but seriously. This video isn’t some counter-intelligence that Lindsay gathered for M to stop Quantum from taking over Bolivia’s water supply. In a more likely scenario, it’s Lindsay Lohan with her panties around her neck fumbling for her lighter while some dude fucks her in the ass. And let’s not pretend it’s something Lindsay doesn’t want to get out. If she had a reality show, it would be sponsored by Plan B One-Step and anal beads, so let’s not get too carried away here.

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Lindsay Is More Naked In Muse Outtakes



You’ve seen the pics and the video from Lindsay Lohan’s pro-smoking ad Muse photoshoot, so now here’s the outtakes. It’s still Lindsay looking like a truck stop hooker who would give you a blowjob for a Mtn Dew and a nicotine patch, but with way more areola.

THE BANNER PIC. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

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Lindsay’s First Porn




The CDC hasn’t released an official statement yet, so if you watch this video of Lindsay Lohan’s Muse photoshoot, it’s on you. So when the national guard puts a tent over your house and pumps in chemicals to kill you and the lethal hybrid virus, try to remember not to struggle.

NOTE: If you didn’t get enough Crackhead Fancy, check out Lindsay’s way NSFW recreation of a Marilyn Monroe shoot here and here.

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Lindsay Lohan Topless In Muse

The Lindsay Lohan Power Anal Porn Doomsday Clock is set to three minutes to midnight, so her topless shoot in Muse magazine is probably something you'll see more of soon. Not like you need to anyway. The only way I could see more of Lindsay Lohan is if she showed me her X-rays.

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Lindsay Lohan Has Lost Her Damn Mind



Who in the hell knows why or how, but in the magical land of delusion and insanity that Lindsay Lohan calls a mind, she truly believes that she is the second coming of Marilyn Monroe. I’ll repeat that: Lindsay Lohan believes she is Marilyn Monroe. Since she has no concept of reality, she is pitching a remake of Monroe’s Some Like It Hot, to studio heads with her as the star. You’ll never guess the reaction! San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Sources close to Lohan claims she sees real parallels between her life and that of the Monroe and is pitching a remake to Hollywood bosses. According to OK! magazine, director Brett Ratner has already rejected the idea, but Lohan isn’t giving up. An insider tells the tabloid, “Lindsay is pinning her hopes on getting a remake of ‘Some Like It Hot’ off the ground. “She’s undaunted, but there’s no script and there’s no money. The only thing Lindsay has to sell is herself. “She sees herself as the second coming of Marilyn Monroe — misunderstood, talented and in desperate need of an incredible film vehicle that will truly showcase her talents.”

So to reiterate, there’s no script, no director, no money, and no chance in hell Lindsay Lohan will ever be a movie star again. The only thing Lindsay Lohan will ever star in again is an airtighting instruction video.

Lindsay Lohan playing pretend. You can also see Lindsay’s nude recreation of a classic Marilyn photoshoot here and here (NSFW):

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