Why Do These Tears Come At Night?

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TMZ has Lindsay’s latest mugshot, and I have to admit, orange really brings out her eyes. Oh, and dykes. Don’t forget dykes.

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Lindsay Is Out Of Jail

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Having only served 14 days of her 90 day sentence, Lindsay was released from Lynwood Correctional Facility at 1:35 a.m. this morning and immediately taken by police escort to UCLA Medical Center to begin rehab. Yahoo! reports:

A prosecutor has said that Lohan cannot be released early and will have to spend the entire time in treatment, reportedly at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. The facility and government officials declined to say whether Lohan is a patient there, but paparazzi followed a van that received a police escort to the center after Lohan’s release from jail. Lohan’s abbreviated jail stay was not unexpected, although it was considerably longer than the 84 minutes she spent at the same facility in 2007. The judge said during Lohan’s surrender July 20 that she had no control over how long the actress would be jailed, but she did require her to serve her time at a women’s jail operated by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. Lohan’s attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, did not immediately return an e-mail message seeking comment.

Sorry about the late jump today, but apparently a medieval wench traveled through time and gave me the Black Plague. But enough about me, Lindsay is out of jail. Awesome. She could have stood in a long line at Target and been more inconvenienced that this.

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“Inmates Have Been Calling Her Fire Crotch”

Lindsay will more than likely be released from jail any day now, but according to recently released inmates, the prison is fully up to date on their 2007 slang.New York Magazine reports:

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been brought to tears in jail, because her inmates have been calling her “fire crotch.” This actually sounds awful, made even worse by the dubious tale of her inmates “chanting” this nickname while she lays in her cell. One recently-released inmate explained: “Lindsay didn’t say nothing. She was crying though.” Apparently the other girls are sick of seeing the starlet receive special treatment: “Like if she even moves, they put the whole facility on lockdown. It happens all the time,” a relative of an inmate explained.

In related news, in a move fully to get attention, Michael Lohan probably just did his single best act of parenting since signing Lindsay’s birth certificate. TMZ reports:

Michael Lohan says he turned in a list of doctors he claims “over-prescribed” drugs to Lindsay Lohan … and he wants the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department to investigate the docs. Michael went to the West Hollywood Sheriff’s station on Friday afternoon. He says he reported the doctors because he believes they wrongly prescribed drugs, and they did so “under false names.” Lohan also says his lawyer, Lisa Bloom, talked to California Attorney General Jerry Brown about including these doctors as part of his massive prescription drug investigation.

I’m so tired of this story that I truly wouldn’t care if I saw Lindsay being hung in the public square or shopping in Times Square by this time tomorrow.The whole family is useless and the sooner they’re wiped off the face of the Earth the better. Preferably by some plague or a creature from the deep, but that’s just me being selfish at this point.

Since most paparazzi are illegals who might not want to break into a jail, there’s no new pics of Lindsay. So for all intents and purposes, let’s pretend these are new:

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Hi, I’m Lindsay. I’m Insane.

Even after a judge called her out on every single one of her lies and excuses then sentenced her to 90 days in jail, the Lindsay delusion train hasn’t come close to stopping. In an insane rant last night on her Twitter, Lindsay actually quoted excerpts from the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights and compared herself to the Iranian woman who was just sentenced to be stoned to death for adultery. I really wish I was making all this up.

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that….“No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”…this was taken from an article by Erik Luna.. “November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission….”Instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years: Scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules.”

After her sentencing, Lindsay apparently flew into a psychotic rage because the judge had the audacity to do what her parents refused to do.

TMZ has learned Lindsay Lohan went ballistic after she was sentenced to 90 days in jail, telling her friends, Judge Marsha Revel is “a f**king bitch.” Hours after the sentence — Lindsay bitterly complained to her friends, Revel hates her, was out to get her, and thinks all the judge wanted to do was make an example out of her. Lindsay insisted she does not have a problem with drugs or alcohol.

In other shocking news, Lindsay tried to be MacGuyver with her SCRAM device. Although in her defense, it’s hard to do when you’re drunk off your ass.

We’re told the night of the MTV Movie Awards — when her SCRAM registered more than a .03 blood alcohol level — Lindsay allegedly tampered with the device in order to block the reading. Sources say days later Lindsay tried obstructing her SCRAM again. We’re told the data registered by the SCRAM device reveals tampering, and the data from Lindsay’s SCRAM clearly shows the two tampering attempts.

I’ll never understand violence against women, but if there was a vote to allow people to bury this self-obsessed cunt alive if they see her, I’d be more than happy to pull that lever.

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Dina Lohan Is In Denial, Lindsay Is A Drug Addict

Even God has been checking his watch the last three years wondering when the hell Lindsay Lohan would finally be held accountable for her actions, and yesterday it finally happened. It could have been way worse, but according to Dina Lohan, Lindsay apparently just had a number burned on her arm.

Dina Lohan watched in disbelief as her daughter Lindsay was sentenced Tuesday to 90 days in jail for violating terms of probation over a three-year-old drug case. “This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.

Enabling cunts aside, one of the terms of Lindsay’s probation is that she is not allowed to take drugs. Someone should tell her dentist. TMZ reports:

According to sources familiar with Lindsay’s most recent probation report, LiLo has a prescription for Dilaudid — an extremely powerful painkiller … often compared to morphine … and even heroin. As long as she has the prescription, Lohan is in the clear to pop the painkiller — presuming she follows the dosage guidelines. We’re told a doctor wrote the prescription after Lindsay’s recent dental surgery. We do not know the quantity the doctor prescribed. But as we first reported, that’s not all she’s allowed to have in her medicine cabinet — Lindsay also has prescriptions for two other drugs — Ambien and Adderall.

First of all, if any of you feel even slightly sorry for Lindsay Lohan. Fuck yourself. Seriously. Shit in your hand, fuck yourself, then jump into a nuclear reactor. She’s a narcissistic sociopath who has pissed and snorted away every single chance she has ever been given and repeatedly laughed in the face of the law. She should be licking the judge’s ass for not burying her under the jail. Secondly, did Lindsay’s dental insurance only cover going back in time to a Civil War field hospital? Is this the only dentists in her network? I broke my collarbone and all they gave me was a Midol. The only reason you need to be prescribed Dilaudid is if you get attacked by a werewolf.

Note: Oh by the way, if you’re wondering if Lindsay took court seriously yesterday or thought for one minute that she’d do anything but walk out of the courtroom with another slap on the wrist, check out her nails in this picture. You’ll be glad you did.

Oh boo hoo:

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