Hi, I’m Lindsay. I’m Insane.

Even after a judge called her out on every single one of her lies and excuses then sentenced her to 90 days in jail, the Lindsay delusion train hasn’t come close to stopping. In an insane rant last night on her Twitter, Lindsay actually quoted excerpts from the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights and compared herself to the Iranian woman who was just sentenced to be stoned to death for adultery. I really wish I was making all this up.

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that….“No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”…this was taken from an article by Erik Luna.. “November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission….”Instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years: Scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules.”

After her sentencing, Lindsay apparently flew into a psychotic rage because the judge had the audacity to do what her parents refused to do.

TMZ has learned Lindsay Lohan went ballistic after she was sentenced to 90 days in jail, telling her friends, Judge Marsha Revel is “a f**king bitch.” Hours after the sentence — Lindsay bitterly complained to her friends, Revel hates her, was out to get her, and thinks all the judge wanted to do was make an example out of her. Lindsay insisted she does not have a problem with drugs or alcohol.

In other shocking news, Lindsay tried to be MacGuyver with her SCRAM device. Although in her defense, it’s hard to do when you’re drunk off your ass.

We’re told the night of the MTV Movie Awards — when her SCRAM registered more than a .03 blood alcohol level — Lindsay allegedly tampered with the device in order to block the reading. Sources say days later Lindsay tried obstructing her SCRAM again. We’re told the data registered by the SCRAM device reveals tampering, and the data from Lindsay’s SCRAM clearly shows the two tampering attempts.

I’ll never understand violence against women, but if there was a vote to allow people to bury this self-obsessed cunt alive if they see her, I’d be more than happy to pull that lever.

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Dina Lohan Is In Denial, Lindsay Is A Drug Addict

Even God has been checking his watch the last three years wondering when the hell Lindsay Lohan would finally be held accountable for her actions, and yesterday it finally happened. It could have been way worse, but according to Dina Lohan, Lindsay apparently just had a number burned on her arm.

Dina Lohan watched in disbelief as her daughter Lindsay was sentenced Tuesday to 90 days in jail for violating terms of probation over a three-year-old drug case. “This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.

Enabling cunts aside, one of the terms of Lindsay’s probation is that she is not allowed to take drugs. Someone should tell her dentist. TMZ reports:

According to sources familiar with Lindsay’s most recent probation report, LiLo has a prescription for Dilaudid — an extremely powerful painkiller … often compared to morphine … and even heroin. As long as she has the prescription, Lohan is in the clear to pop the painkiller — presuming she follows the dosage guidelines. We’re told a doctor wrote the prescription after Lindsay’s recent dental surgery. We do not know the quantity the doctor prescribed. But as we first reported, that’s not all she’s allowed to have in her medicine cabinet — Lindsay also has prescriptions for two other drugs — Ambien and Adderall.

First of all, if any of you feel even slightly sorry for Lindsay Lohan. Fuck yourself. Seriously. Shit in your hand, fuck yourself, then jump into a nuclear reactor. She’s a narcissistic sociopath who has pissed and snorted away every single chance she has ever been given and repeatedly laughed in the face of the law. She should be licking the judge’s ass for not burying her under the jail. Secondly, did Lindsay’s dental insurance only cover going back in time to a Civil War field hospital? Is this the only dentists in her network? I broke my collarbone and all they gave me was a Midol. The only reason you need to be prescribed Dilaudid is if you get attacked by a werewolf.

Note: Oh by the way, if you’re wondering if Lindsay took court seriously yesterday or thought for one minute that she’d do anything but walk out of the courtroom with another slap on the wrist, check out her nails in this picture. You’ll be glad you did.

Oh boo hoo:

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Warrant Issued For Lindsay Lohan

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Lindsay Lohan, again not capable of taking responsibility for her actions, has been blasting on her official Twitter all day that her SCRAM didn’t go off and it was just all media lies designed to drag her down. Oh, except none of that is true.
TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan is a wanted woman — Judge Marsha Revel has just issued a bench warrant for her arrest, and it’s all about the SCRAM. Bail has been forfeited for the previous hearing. The new bail has been set at $200,000. There are 5 violations, according to the judge. Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet generated a report to SCRAM officials sometime after the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night. Sources say the SCRAM data shows evidence of alcohol.

Damn, this drunk bitch couldn’t even make it two weeks. What did she think the SCRAM bracelet was, the thing Predator had on his wrist? It detects alcohol you fucking idiot. When it lights up it doesn’t mean it starts a countdown for you to blow up a jungle.

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Lindsay’s Bracelet Flashes, Too

On May 24th, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to wear a SCRAM bracelet because she’s a drunk who can’t control herself when she sees a cooler or a bar. On Monday morning, Lindsay was at Katy Perry’s MTV Movie Awards after-party and her SCRAM bracelet went off. But she’s in California, so you know, no big deal.

The star was partying at Katy Perry’s MTV Movie Awards after-party at Las Palmas around 1 a.m. Monday morning, June 7, when, “all of a sudden, her SCRAM ankle bracelet started flashing furiously — bright red, fast flashes — right through her boot!” an eyewitness tells Star. “I couldn’t hear anything, like if there was an alarm that went off as well, but you could definitely see the flashes. “She wasn’t drinking or doing drugs that I saw,” the party-goer added, explaining that LiLo didn’t seem bothered by the blinking light. “She didn’t seem phased whatsoever. I mean it was very obvious. But she was just hanging out, standing right in front of me, acting like it was totally fine.” The flashing could simply be “a technical issue,” specifically that her bracelet could have been “interacting with the modem, transferring data, and not necessarily related to an alcohol level,” Dr. Michael Hlastala, a California medical and DUI expert, tells Star.

Man, that’s a pretty reasonable explanation. It’s Lindsay, so it must be a technical issue, not because she was at a party at 1:00am surrounded by alcohol. Another explanation might the bitch was drunk. If nobody cares why is she wearing this thing in the first place? The California justice system should just go ahead and give a T-Rex a fork and Superman a machine gun, so they can fully ride the wave of handing out things that will never be fucking used.

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Lindsay Is Committed To Recovery

Last week, Lindsay Lohan was told in plain English that if she drank alcohol or did drugs she would go to jail. So, you’d think she’d stay away from bars and clubs. We might want to check with her lawyer, but I bet Bar Marmont and Las Palmas just opened up all night libraries inside. TMZ reports:

With a SCRAM bracelet strapped to her leg, Lindsay Lohan threw herself back into the thick of temptation last night — barhopping throughout Hollywood until 2 AM. Though we didn’t see her with an alcoholic beverage — and it appears the SCRAM bracelet hasn’t been triggered — Lindsay hit Bar Marmont around midnight, and then rolled over to Las Palmas, where she partied ’til the bar closed.

Man, I wonder if she’ll try to tamper with the SCRAM device. Wait, you mean like she did last time? US Magazine reports:

Being shackled with an alcohol-monitoring anklet doesn’t mean Lindsay Lohan won’t try to tipple. A source says the actress, 23, who wore one in 2007, has claimed she “put tea tree oil on to fool it.” Says Pasadena Recovery Center’s Shirley Bennett, “Addicts will use anything with alcohol to set it off, so they can say, ‘Oh, I wasn’t drinking. It’s my perfume!'” Another Lohan strategy: using a paperclip to jam the signal. But L.A. criminal defense attorney Decio Rangel Jr. notes: “She could go to jail” if caught.

Oviously technology designed to detect alcohol and the threat of jail time doesn’t seem to scare Lindsay, so instead of a SCRAM device, they should frame Lindsay for the Bakersfield Massacre and send her to labor camp where she would be forced to wear a neck collar that’ll explode if she goes near a bar. Then make her fight Subzero and Buzzsaw. I’m not an alcohol counselor, but I think that just might work.

Lindsay at Las Palmas:

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Now With Video

I don’t know how long Lindsay’s lawyer has practiced lawyering, but it’s pretty obvious from this video that she might have a better chance getting something to go her client’s way if her client was a rapist with a pentagram carved on his chest and a severed head in his lap.

OBVIOUS UPDATE: Yeah, so you know the “proof” Lindsay’s lawyer had that showed Lindsay had bought a plane ticket for May 19th?

“All I got was an itinerary for travel on May 18th, and not a plane ticket,” [Deputy District Attorney Danette] Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively. ”I did get a copy of Ms. Lohan’s plane ticket and boarding pass for May 22nd. “I will definitely be bringing this up at the probation violation hearing,” Meyers told us.

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Lindsay’s Life Is Over

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Lindsay doesn’t have to go to jail or rehab, but she might as well call Christian Shepard to take her to church, because she is in hell. TMZ reports:

Judge Marsha Revel laid down the law during a hearing this AM in Beverly Hills court. Judge Revel told Lindsay in order to stay free on bail, she cannot drink alcohol, she must wear a SCRAM device and she must submit to random drug testing. Lindsay must begin wearing the SCRAM bracelet within 24 hours. Lindsay must also attend all scheduled alcohol ed classes at least once a week. Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, began to object to the conditions, but when the judge said she would state out loud all the reasons why the conditions were appropriate — Holley backed off and accepted the conditions. And the judge indicated Lindsay must stay in the L.A. area — which will get in the way of shooting a movie in Texas. The judge basically said, tough luck. Mind you … the conditions the judge imposed must be met in order for Lindsay to remain free on bail. The judge is also scheduling a hearing to determine if Lindsay has violated her probation — the date for the hearing is July 6. If the judge decides Lindsay violated her probation by not attending her alcohol ed program as required … she could be jailed for 180 days.

To recap: For Lindsay to avoid jail, she cannot drink alcohol, she must wear a SCRAM device at all times, she must submit to random drug testing, she must attend an alcohol education class at least once a week, and she can’t leave L.A. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty good about my Dead Pool right now.

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It’s A Celebration, Bitch

Lindsay needed another reason to party, so when somebody paid her $10,000 bail, Lindsay returned the favor by partying on a yacht all last night.

Beverly Hills’ flakiest probationee got off a yacht in Cannes this morning — at around 7:30 AM to be specific … after a night of partying. Sources tell TMZ Lindsay has booked a flight that will take her back to L.A. tomorrow, but who knows if she’ll actually board. We’re told Lindsay is asking around for a private jet to ferry her home. So far, no one is biting. Lindsay is scheduled to be in court on Monday at 8:30 AM — but we’re filing that under “Believe it when we see it.”

I really don’t need to go into how the world would be a better place if somebody summoned the Kraken to snatch this piece of shit off the yacht, but I would like to focus your attention to the banner picture. Man, I wonder what that could be? Seeing chopped up lines next to Lindsay Lohan is like seeing police raids outside Home Depot in Arizona. You just kinda expect it at this point.

Note: Sorry about my MS Paint skills. I’m obviously no Perez.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Writing A Tell-All Book

Because she has a lot of free time on her hands and wants to “tell-all” before Mark Ebner gets around to prolapsing her anus more than it already is, Lindsay is writing a book. Yes, you just read that. Lindsay Lohan. Writing a book.

“I write a lot and it’s very therapeutic for me because then I can see what’s happening on paper,” she told OK! Magazine. “I’ve started writing a book. It’s going to take a while, all my life experiences. I started writing it a year ago. There’s a lot to put down, you know?” Lindsay also compared her multiple stints in rehab to vacations. “It was a nice time to shut everyone off for a while because there was so much noise. There were some things I had done… I had put myself in situations which I probably should have thought through.” Perhaps she wants to clear up the party girl image that she is so famous for. “When I was in school I didn’t drink, or even try one, until I was probably 18,” she said. “Literally, and I’m not lying about that. I’m just some sort of a target for some reason! I’m made out all the time to be the bad guy!”

I have no idea why she needs to write a book, because all people have to do is look to the right and click on “Lindsay Lohan” and they’ll find out all the need to know. But since I’m a reclusive shut-inhuge Internet sensation with many contacts in my phonethe industry, I received a partial preview of the chapter names:

Chapter 1: I played twins in that one movie
Chapter 2: I have big tits
Chapter &: Cocaine, what’s all this about?
Chapter 4br5: Semen: It’s warm.
Chapter rainbow: I fucking love coloring!!
Chapter 9: Daddy 🙁
Chapter y: Vagina. It’s also warm
Chapter ?: How to flee a scene
Chapter 465: Semen: It’s warm. Did I mention that?
Chapter 76: Unemployment forms: How to fill them out
Chapter 86fs: I’m positive. Wait, that’s good, right?

Lindsay at Sketch Nightclub. Ironically, the same two words that will be in her obituary:

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Lindsay Lohan Is WANTED

…Dead or Aliiiiiiiive.

Sorry. I had to. It’s like, a thing. I’m guessing they’ll bring her in alive.

Nothing like waking up to a statement from the Beverly Hills Police Department, made last night when I was so obviously drinking and not thinking about Lindsay Lohan:

“In response to media inquiries, [the] Beverly Hills Police Department is confirming a warrant was in fact issued today [March 13] for the arrest of Lindsay Lohan . The $50,000 warrant issued by the Beverly Hills Superior Court stems from a May 2007 arrest of Miss Lohan for DUI and hit-and-run. The circumstances leading to the issuance of the warrant by the court are not readily available at this time. It is our hope that Miss Lohan will surrender herself so that this matter will be resolved in a timely manner.”

Looks like it’s “here we go again” for those of us with sharp, painful memories of high-speed chases through LA, noisy coke parties and the two kinds of justice in America: normal justice and Celeb Justice. As an example, this warrent was issued, then Lindsay…went shopping:

Just hours after the Beverly Hills Police Department confirmed an arrest warrant had been issued for Lindsay Lohan , the actress was spotted going grocery shopping and partying at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont.

Look at her in that photo. Bitch knows she’s wanted by the po. But she needs her flax seed!

I don’t know what flax seed is, but it’s always sounded evil to me. Like the thing you buy when you’re skipping out on a warrant. Plus, I want to blame things on flax seed. Just the flax!

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