Lindsay Lohan Is Job Security

I knew it was too good to be true.

Lindsay Lohan will be a free woman soon, because a judge has just reversed Judge Elden Fox’s decision and has granted LiLo bail … TMZ has learned. Judge Fox ruled earlier today … Lindsay could be held without bail. But apparently the Judge’s ruling flies in the face of California law, which gives defendants the right to bail in misdemeanor cases.

Judge Patricia Schnegg, Assistant Supervising Judge for the L.A. County Criminal Courts, just threw Judge Fox’s bail decision out the window. Judge Schnegg has set bail at $300,000… Lindsay will have to get a SCRAM bracelet (this will be her third) within 24 hours — and under the terms of her bail, she is not allowed to be around known drug users … and must submit to search by law enforcement at any time.

 Also, nightclubs will be a major no-no … Linds has to stay out of places where alcohol is the “chief item of sale.”

I wrote a little ditty in honor of Courtney Love Lindsay, because as long as she continues down this path, gossip bloggers will have something to snark about.

(to the tune of Yankee Doodle)

Lindsay Lohan went to jail
coming off a coke binge
stuck some filler in her lips and wore a suit of orange.
Our girl LiLo then made bail
(her lawyer sure is dandy)
by now she’s downing Jack and Cokes
and railing more nose candy!

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Lindsay Lohan Is Confusing

TMZ reported that Lindsay Lohan went to an AA meeting Friday and Saturday night. However these pictures of our girl (looking as faded as Janis Joplin’s jeans) leaving Magnolia restaurant in Hollywood were taken Friday night. I don’t get it. Was she pregaming the meeting? Do they meet in bars now? That seems to defeat the purpose a bit, but okay I’ll go with it. After all, she is so good at managing her life, who are we to question her decisions? I mean, the AA mantra is “let go and let God” so naturally I assumed by God they meant Lindsay.

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That’s Our Lindsay, 2nd Edition

Well that was fast.

Lindsay Lohan has failed a drug test in her criminal case … TMZ has learned. We’re told the court-mandated drug test in question occurred last week. According to the terms of Lindsay’s probation, she will get 30 days in jail for a positive drug test.

One source connected with Lindsay tells TMZ … “People with addiction problems don’t get better magically, and she’s really been making an effort to make herself better.”

And D.A. spokesperson Sandi Gibbons tells TMZ her office has not been “officially notified” of the test results and no court date has been set yet.

UPDATE: Sources close to Lindsay tell us she is saying it’s not true — insisting she has not failed, but we have confirmed it is indeed true.

And now TMZ is saying that it wasn’t just one drug test she failed, but TWO. Let’s recap shall we? In the four weeks since Miss L has been out of rehab, she’s been seen partying in New York and Los Angeles, and has hit a baby with her car. She was still holding hard and fast to her one way ticket for the Hot Mess Express, so we all knew it was only a matter of time before she jumped back on board. It’s not her fault though. Judging by recent pictures, Lindsay’s been brainwashed by Mugatu in a plot to kill the Malaysian Prime Minister. Derelicte… it’s a fashion, a way of life.

Lindsay tweeted with her tail between her legs:

UPDATE: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Or in this case, where there’s coke, there’s a flamer. Michael Lohan is already spouting off. You can read whatever nonsense he has to say here if you care… but really why would you?

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It’s A Celebration, Bitch

Lindsay needed another reason to party, so when somebody paid her $10,000 bail, Lindsay returned the favor by partying on a yacht all last night.

Beverly Hills’ flakiest probationee got off a yacht in Cannes this morning — at around 7:30 AM to be specific … after a night of partying. Sources tell TMZ Lindsay has booked a flight that will take her back to L.A. tomorrow, but who knows if she’ll actually board. We’re told Lindsay is asking around for a private jet to ferry her home. So far, no one is biting. Lindsay is scheduled to be in court on Monday at 8:30 AM — but we’re filing that under “Believe it when we see it.”

I really don’t need to go into how the world would be a better place if somebody summoned the Kraken to snatch this piece of shit off the yacht, but I would like to focus your attention to the banner picture. Man, I wonder what that could be? Seeing chopped up lines next to Lindsay Lohan is like seeing police raids outside Home Depot in Arizona. You just kinda expect it at this point.

Note: Sorry about my MS Paint skills. I’m obviously no Perez.

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2008/2007: This Week In Gossip

Let’s head down memory lane, because looking backwards is comfortable and not as painful as wondering how I’m going to pay my taxes this year.

If we just look back one year, we can see how far our little Britney Spears has come on the road to recovery. On Wednesday, January 2nd 2008, Britney Spears was told to give her kids back to Kevin Federline. She didn’t. Instead, she locked herself in the bathroom, where medical personnel had to come get her and forcibly remove her from her own home.

You might remember this because it was on CNN. They interrupted coverage. I think I was getting a haircut at the time…

Also this week in 2008, Lindsay Lohan was in trouble for sipping some champagne on New Year’s Eve in Italy.

In comparison, one of these girls has their act together thanks to their father, and the other one just learned how to drink in secret and give really good head to the same sex.

A year before that, in the first week of January 2007, Todd declared “Lindsay Lohan Will Be Dead Soon” because she was calling in “sick” during her new and exciting film: I Know Who Killed Me, which I had thankfully forgotten about until I wrote that sentence.

She was looking kind of hot when she was all brunette, though:

Also in 2007, Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell were at each other’s throats and Ashlee Simpson lost her top at the beach.

Why couldn’t this week have been that exciting and nipple-ful?

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Lindsay Lohan Served 84 Minutes

As part of her plea deal in her two DUI cases, which involved two counts of cocaine possession and fleeing the scene of an accident, Lindsay Lohan turned herself in to authorities on Thurdsay to serve her minimum 24-hour jail sentence. Apparently “minimum” means something else than I thought it did. People reports:

According to the sheriff’s department Web site, the actress turned herself in at 10:30 a.m., and was released at 11:54 a.m. The jail has a long-standing policy of releasing non-violent offenders early due to overcrowding. “Ms. Lohan was cooperative,” sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore tells PEOPLE. “She was fingerprinted, photographed, and put in a holding cell, but was let go due to our early release policy.”

During her stay, Lindsay made an excellent choice by selecting the deep pore cleansing facial, a hot stone massage, and a milk and honey body scrub. She also requested a chilled champagne glass, to see the dessert tray, and anything else that law enforcement in California does to kiss celebrity ass.

Lindsay doing community service:

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Lindsay Lohan is Lying

Celebrity worshippers, OK! Magazine, managed to be the first to offer money to Lindsay Lohan, so in an “exclusive interview,” Lindsay discusses her DUI, her stay in rehab, and life after. Being a whore was not mentioned. Lindsay says:

It was a sobering experience. It made me look at myself and all the people, places and things in my life in a different way…I’m going back to shoot Dare to Love Me, but I plan on returning to Utah so I can stay focused and avoid other distractions…”Temptation is always there. But now I’ll avoid it the right way…I hit rock bottom”Everything in my life came to a point where I had to make a decision…I’m here to stay. My talent is a gift and I’m going to use it.”

I wonder while she was writing this if Lindsay’s publicist minded that Lindsay was chalking lines and separating her butt plugs by color? I hope not. Because green doesn’t go in the black pile. Black isn’t even a primary color. Jesus, do I have to do everything myself?


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Calum Best is a Good Influence

The Sun reportedly has camera phone footage of Calum Best, Lindsay Lohan’s sometimes boyfriend, snorting cocaine and having sex with two prostitutes at Kensington’s Rockwell Hotel last Wednesday. Call girl Casey James and her Brazilian friend, arrived at Best’s room where they took turns blowing him and snorting coke:

Then he dropped his pants as the girls – who used a rolled-up banknote to snort coke off a glass table – simultaneously pleasured him. Gripped by lust he used his mobile phone to film a girl pleasuring him…After nearly three hours the girls asked a complaining Calum to leave – only for him to demand they should “learn some manners”.

This is apparently nothing new, because a friend says Calum is sick and twisted deviant:

His father George may have been hooked on booze and women, but Calum has fallen to truly sickening depths.”

Wow, this comes as a shock because you expect someone who hangs out with Lindsay Lohan to have a strong morals. Good thing Lindsay cut ties with this guy when she did because there’s no telling where our poor little angel might have ended up!

Lindsay entering Promises rehab facility on Monday:

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Lindsay Lohan, DUI, Cocaine, Not in Jail

A curb and trees managed to get in the way of Lindsay Lohan’s habitual drunk/high driving at 5:30 a.m. Saturday. Copy, paste

In a press conference this afternoon about the arrest of Lindsay Lohan, cops say they found a “usable amount” of a drug they say was cocaine at the scene. Lt. Mitch McCann of the Beverly Hills Police Department would not say where the drug was found but it was “not on her person.”

Police tell TMZ that 20-year-old Lohan and two other adults were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible when she lost control and crashed into a curb and trees in Beverly Hills, Calif. around 5:30 AM. After the crash, police say LiLo got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries that involved “something to her upper chest area.” The two other people in her car were not hurt they said.

Officers received a 911 call about the accident and “tracked Ms. Lohan to the local hospital, where she was ultimately placed under arrest” for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Lt. McCann said it appeared as if Lohan was speeding and lost control.

Lohan was cited and released and will have to face a judge.

A rep for Lohan could not be reached for comment.”

In case there’s any confusion, allow me to clear this up. 20 year old, underage, drunk Lindsay Lohan crashed her car, fled the scene of the crime/accident, was too high to remember to grab her stash of coke before she bailed, got treated for superficial bruises she sustained in the crash and had to admit she crashed that car, because, duh.

But here’s the best part …

She got cited for misdemeanor DUI and released.

NORMAL scumbags on a holiday weekend get arrested and thrown in jail for DUI so they can wait until Tuesday morning at the earliest for a judge to decide whether or not the offenders will be released before their court date. And what the fuck is “misdemeanor” DUI?? Does that mean she wasn’t as ugly as other DUI dickheads, or she could have killed people, but didn’t try hard enough? To those of you in jail right now who may or may not be out by mid-next week for taking all that holiday fun behind the wheel, please remember Lindsay Lohan is better than you. Happy Memorial Day!

Video submitted by Melody and Shane via email:

Lindsay at a gas station at 4:30 a.m. on May 24. Sober, I’m sure:

Source: TMZ

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Lindsay Lohan is Caught on Tape Snorting Cocaine

Wedged inside the loo with two friends, Lohan pulls a small bag of white powder from her jeans pocket. She dips her finger in and shoves the substance up one friend’s nose before snorting some up her own. And this was filmed just 20 days after she proudly emerged from therapy.”

Video stills of Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom stall at Teddy’s in the Roosevelt Hotel show the actress in the middle of a cocaine binge just 20 days after her release from rehab. friend told Britain’s News of The World that not only is Lindsay addicted to cocaine, but she also addicted to sex, constantly bragging about sleeping with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco. While in the bathroom, Lindsay told the others, “I’m going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law.” The friend says:

That night I saw her do more than 20 big lines of cocaine. She was still up doing drugs at 11am even though she had started about 8pm the night before…When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out. One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat…Going to rehab was all for publicity. She wanted people to see her seeking help but it hasn’t got her off the drugs at all. In an average night Lindsay will do two and half grams of coke on her own. She doesn’t buy it – she is given it by friends and acquaintances, and it turns her into an angry monster. I have watched many a time Lindsay treating her staff like crap.”

Lindsay lives on cocaine and attention, so I’m surprised we haven’t seen a million pictures like this of her already. She’d fuck Shrek if he had an 8-ball and told her she looked pretty.

Click thumbnails for larger stills:

Lindsay at Winston’s nightclub the same night, March 7th/8th:


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