Kris Jenner Is Trying To Bang Ben From “The Bachelor”

Since she's done emasculating and sucking the soul out of Bruce Jenner that there's nothing left but a mummified corpse who like flying model airplanes, Kris Jenner is now trying to date Ben Flajnik. Ben is younger than two of her daughters. inTouch reports:

“She has a crush [on Ben],” a source tells the new issue of In Touch, on newsstands now. He’s almost half her age, but that hasn’t stopped the Kardashian matriarch. “They’ve been spending a lot of time together,” says the source. Kris, 57, even posted a photo (with the hashtag #livinglifeee) of her and Ben, 31, at his vineyard in Sonoma, Calif., on Sept. 28. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that he’s wealthy and famous. “She and Bruce are separated, so now they’re allowed to see other people — and she’s in full-on dating mode.”

Since I just ate, I'm not going to think of a scenario where I'd want to face a 57-year old vagina that shot out six kids from two different men and a minotaur/ape hybrid. Let's just hope Ben knows what he's doing, because studies have shown that prolonged exposure to Kris Jenner causes cancer in men.

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Bruce And Kris Jenner Separated A Year Ago
Bruce And Kris Jenner Separated A Year Ago

 

To combat the downward spiral of their ratings, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians writers' room has been busy lately. WILL KHLOE EVER HAVE A BABY? WHAT'S UP WITH LAMAR AND HIS CRACK? WILL KENDALL JUST GO AHEAD AND GET NAKED ON INSTAGRAM ALREADY? And, of course, the Bruce Jenner and Kris Jenner drama. Turns out they've been separated for over a year, but there's a time and place to reveal this type of news. The "time" being when execs see the overnight numbers, and the "place" is E! News because contracts.

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage. "We are living separately and we are much happier this way," the pair exclusively tell E! News. "But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority." Kris and Bruce are parents to two children together, Kendall and Kylie, and each have four kids from previous marriages.

And much like everything else, Kris Jenner perpetuated a lie until she could craft a narrative and control the media release and spin.

"We just laugh it off," Kris told E! News last November regarding tabloid reports that she and Bruce were divorcing. "We love each other and just laugh about it…These kind of stories have been circulating for the last couple of years." Kris marked their 22nd anniversary on Instagram on April 21, writing, "Happy Anniversary Bruce!!!! Best 22 years I could ever have imagined…hope the next 22 is even more fabulous…I love you!"

Over the weekend, Bruce Jenner told people, "I'm finally free to do what I want and live life the way I want", but Kris just texted him to check his schedule because Ryan Seacrest might want to do reshoots. The breakup scene apparently lacked emotional depth and he wants to give Bruce and Kris room to improvise. With a scene like this, the words on the paper are more of just a guide.

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I can't post Kendall Jenner bikini pics on here because she's 17, and while that is sad, what's even more sad is that Kris Jenner is posting bikini pics on Instagram now because there's never an occassion where it can't be all about her. She's 57. I don't even know what you're supposed to do with that. I assume you have to pick some scabs off first.

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Kris Jenner Tried Actual Bribery To Get Positive Reviews For Her Talk Show

Last week, New York Post reporter Linda Stasi wrote a review for Kris Jenner's new talk show, and as you might have expected, it was horrible. But since Kris Jenner is only used to dealing with E!, People, and Us Weekly, she thought she could send Stasi an expensive gift and the next review would be better. Long story short, she was wrong. So very, very, wrong. Here's Linda Stasi's response:

On Tuesday, I wrote a review of “Kris,” a horrible new talk show by the mother of all self-promoters, Kris Jenner. A few hours later, a messenger arrived at The Post bearing a dozen Magnolia cupcakes (see the need for Spanx, above) and one $325 sterling silver Tiffany pen. With a note. At first I thought maybe a grateful reader wanted to reward me for saying that Kris came across like a demented Norma Desmond, or that she had as much right to have a talk show as her talentless daughter had for hosting a talent show. But nooo. It was from Norma herself — Kris Jenner — who somehow thought it would be a great idea to send a journalist a hugely expensive pen with a note saying that I could use it to write her a better review next time. And you thought the fake wedding was bad form. I was concerned. Had Jenner’s publicist fallen into a debilitating coma and wasn’t able to tell her that reporters aren’t allowed to accept bribes — and that, in real life, people don’t get expensive free stuff for media whoring? Well, not all the time, anyway. So, Kris, let’s get something straight right here, right now. I cannot be bought — for a pen. A pen and pencil set, maybe — but just a pen? To improve your rating, Mrs. Kardashian-Jenner, either you somehow become interesting, which given the data seems as likely as the pope turning Jewish, or you do better with the bribes.

 

To guarantee that great four-star rating next time, simply follow this handy, sliding scale ratings chart:

Four stars — A new Lamborghini — and not the model car version either!

Three stars — Two crocodile Birkin bags.

Two stars — Set of very big studs — diamond, not Chippendale’s.

One star — How dare you think I can be bribed!

No stars: Keep on doing what you’re doing.

 

Good god, man. At the end of this, Linda Stasi should have posted a selfie of her drinking the blood from Kris Jenner's decapitated head. She could write a postive review when her defense attorney's daughter signs a production deal with E!.

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Kanye West Hates Kris Jenner

Like most years, Kanye West said something stupid on national television in 2010 ("George Bush doesn't care about black people.") and the media backlash came to head when he sat down for an interview with Matt Lauer. Brace yourself: Kanye felt disrespected. Shocking I know. So when Kris Jenner sat down with Matt Lauer and showed him a picture of North West, Kanye sucked his teeth then snapped and said, "no uhuh" probably.  Radar Online reports:

So when girlfriend Kim Kardashian‘s momager promised to show Lauer a picture of her granddaughter, the 36-year-old got very riled up behind-the-scenes, an insider revealed. Kanye became “absolutely apoplectic with anger because he hates Matt,” the source said. “Kanye he felt extremely disrespected and insulted by Matt and the direction the interview took in 2010…He was outraged and disgusted that Kris showed Matt a picture of Nori and he is now refusing to speak to her.” Adding further stress to the pair’s already contentious relationship is Jenner’s ongoing persistence that baby North West make her public debut on her new talk show. During Lauer’s interview with Jenner, he asked, “You’ve got a tool at your disposal and I want to know right now if you are going to use it. Are there plans in the first week of this show to reveal either photos of the new granddaughter North or perhaps a walk on from Kim, Kanye and North?” “Well while that’s ambitious, that would be fun,” she told Lauer. “I think you’re just going to have to wait and see and tune in because I’m not sure exactly what’ s going to happen.”

Seriously though. What was Kanye expecting? Kris Jenner probably wishes Kim got knocked up by Jay-Z so she could have released the ultrasound pics on a Samsung app. Of course Kris Jenner is going to use this baby as a prop. Of course she started counting dollar signs as soon as the thing popped out. Of course she's going to try to get this kid in a bikini as soon as possible. Of course she's going to make an example of one of her Chinse child workers if it doesn't meet their quota of cheetah striped leggings. Of course Bruce Jenner is an emasculated shell of a man who cries himself to sleep at night holding a Wheatie's box. Of course Khloe Kardashian possibly has minotaur DNA. We don't know. Of course Kendall Jenner is goi….wow, sorry. I got a little carried away here.

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Kris Jenner Feels Bad For Paula Deen

NEW SLAVES. E! Online reports:

Jenner believes the press may have gone a little too far.  "I feel really bad for Paula Deen right now," Jenner said. "She's taken a lot of heat and probably feels overwhelmed with what's going on. The media gets ahold of something and they won't let go."

Awww, poor Paula Deen. What's the world coming to when an old, rich white woman from the South can't even say "nigger" in 2013 without being relentlessly and uneccesarily persecuted and dropped like a black girl's ass in the club from every single endoresement she has? I don't even know how I'm going to sleep at night knowing that miscarriages of justice like this exist. Luckily she's an emotional eater and will probably be dead soon. The only she could possibly do to fix this thing is bring Mandela back to life, but butter is only a harlot from hell and a succubus of Satan that cannot raise the dead. And isn't Kris Jenner doing this wrong? She should be having parades during Black History Month, because the only reason she's famous is because a black guy beheaded his wife and another black guy got head from her daughter. She should be posting Malcolm X quotes on Facebook, not trying get free maids from the white lady.

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Kris Jenner Has A New Talk Show That Nobody Wants To Be On

Since she has a real disconnect from reality, of course Kris Jenner thinks she's Oprah and honestly believes that the sound she hears every time she talks is roaring applause instead the sound of a million eyerolls. So naturally, she thinks she deserves talk show, and since she's wonderful in every possible way, celebrities will fight each other in a pit to have the chance to sit on the couch with her. Except not. Contact Music reports:

Kris jenner is reportedly struggling to find guests for her talk show. The reality TV star will launch 'Kris' in July but so far producers are finding it difficult to attract A List names. A source told the US edition on Star magazine: ''Kris thought Hollywood's biggest names would be lining up to come on her show but they're not even taking her calls, It's gotten so bad that she is relying on her business partner Ryan Seacrest to pull in the celebrities but even he seems to be striking out. Not many stars want to be associated with Kris or her show.''

Man, I really wasn't expecting this. I thought for sure Leonardo DiCaprio and Jennifer Lawrence would be the first guests and Adele and Radiohead would be the house band. I mean, who wouldn't want to be involved with a sociopath who attaches dollar amounts to her kids and explosive collars to the Chinese kids in her sweatshop? Jay-Z probably wants to be the first musical guest.

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Kris Jenner Is A Wonderful Human Being

Not we needed anymore proof that Kris Jenner is a horrible person or a demon who needs plastic surgery and Botox to live, her kids' former nanny, Pam Behan, has just released the book, Malibu Nanny: Adventures of the Former Kardashian Nanny, in which she goes into great detail to let everyone know that Kris Jenner is a horrible human being. Radar Online reports:

 

The time Pam went grocery shopping and didn't get broccoli because Kris didn't put in on the list:

Pam says while she was on good terms with Bruce, Kris was “tenacious and does not take ‘no’ for an answer.” To illustrate her point, Pam writes of one particularly upsetting incident. She says, “Kris gave me a shopping list and told me to go to the grocery store. When I got home, Kris said, ‘Where is the broccoli?’ I told her broccoli was not on the list. She immediately lost her temper, yelling, ‘I can’t f*cking believe you f*cking forgot the f*cking broccoli!'.Pam tells Star, “I was completely shocked. At that moment Bruce stuck his head out the door and said, ‘Kris, why are you talking to Pam like that?’ Kris just yelled, ‘Never mind – I’ll get the f*cking broccoli for you!’ Things were very awkward after that.”

The time Kris called Khloe fat at every possible opportunity:

Pam says Kris was especially hard on Khloe. “Kris used to poke fun at Khloe and her weight issues. She was mean.” Another source told Star that Kris “would say things like, ‘You aren’t allowed to have cookies, Khloe. You are getting a little chubby.’ It definitely left a scar on Khloe’s psyche.”

The time Kris made her kids physically fight over designer clothes because they weren't allowed to wear the same thing twice:

Pam says Kris encouraged the girls to dress well, but that they would wear an outfit only once or twice before giving it away. “Kris liked to flaunt how much money they had,” Pam says. She also paints the girls as being incredibly self-centered. “The girls were all so selfish and shallow – a family of fakes! They would have knock-down, drag-out fights over designer clothes. By the end, they would be crying and bleeding. It was bad!”

I've never seen one single episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and ev en though that's a lie, I never saw where they keep her coffin. Or does she just sleep under a mound of fresh earth? What about crosses? Do they work? What about silver? Garlic? Somebody check wikipedia and let me know.

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Kris Jenner Wanted ‘The X Factor’ To Replace Mario Lopez With Kim Or Kourtney

Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian was officially fired from The X Factor because she sucks, and one of the rumors was that she and Mario Lopez didn't get along which made their on-air chemistry suffer. But in totally shocking twist that everybody probably expected, Kris Jenner thought she was dealing with E! instead of FOX and tried repeatedly to get Mario Lopez fired so he could be replaced with another aged out Armenian famewhore with no talent. WELL, CLUTCH MY PEARLS!! *fans self* Radar Online reports:

“Everyone thinks that Mario hated working with Khloe,” a source close to the situation told Radar, acknowledging there were time he grew frustrated. “But he was nothing but encouraging and supportive (to Khloe),” the source added. “It was her mother Kris who was the problem.” “Kris would go to the producers and say Mario was being pushy and insensitive and she’d often confront Mario directly. There was even a very absurd incident when Kris suggested to the producers that they should dump Mario and replace him with one of her other daughters. Kris claimed that the chemistry between Mario and Khloe just didn’t work and that Kim or Kourtney would be a better fit. “Well, the producers agreed with the no chemistry argument, but also that Khloe was in over her head – and that’s why she’s gone.”

Let's just go ahead and assume this story is 100% true, because we really shouldn't but anything past this bitch. Her three cash cows will be 40 soon, and really, nobody wants to see that. That's why a source at E! that I just made up says she's developing a show about Kendall's gynecologist visits. The format may change, but Kris is pretty firm that she wants it to involve Kendall with her legs spread somehow.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Was Voted The Most Hated Celebrity In Hollywood

In a poll conducted by Star Magazine, Gwyneth Paltrow was named the Most Hated Celebrity. Why? Because she's completely hateable and an overall vile and pretentious human being who would probably kill herself if she if somebody showed her a picture of a Taco Bell. Anyway, here's the rest of the Top 10.


1. Gwyneth Paltrow
2. Kristen Stewart
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. John Mayer
5. Katherine Heigl
6. Matt Lauer
7. Madonna
8. Justin Bieber
9. Anne Hathaway
10. Kris Jenner

Not sure why Chris Brown or Tom Hanks aren't ranked higher. Especially Tom Hanks. I read a story last week that said he has a farm where he makes Cambodian orphans drown puppies. It was pretty terrible.

 

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