Some Kardashians/Jenners Are In Cannes
Some Kardashians/Jenners Are In Cannes

 

Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall Jenner (and I think one of the Baldwins) are in Cannes for some reason. The last Kardashian movie came out in 2007, so I guess they’re just there to support the latest in cinema. Or be on a yacht. I think they’re just there to be on a yacht. Sounds like fun. I wish I was on a yacht. The news tells me that Kourtney has a new boyfriend or fuck buddy or whatever. That’s neat. Her babies daddy is banging Bella Thorne. Or is trying to bang Bellla Thorne. It remains unclear. Meanwhile, Kendall Jenner remains the hottest thing Ryan Seacrest has ever produced. Not sure where Khloe and Kylie are. I assume Kylie is wrapped in bandages and Khloe hasn’t been fully socialized to be around sea animals.

 

 

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Kourtney Kardashian Got Naked Again
Kourtney Kardashian Got Naked Again

 

Every time I have to write about a Kardashian, I wish N. Korea would go ahead and pull the trigger, but it’s what you people want. Ugh. You people. Anyway, it’s one of the aged out one’s turn to get naked on social media, so here’s Kourtney Kardashian rolling around naked on Snapchat. The banner picture is a post from her Instagram. It’s just a social media party up in here.
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Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Whatever Got Back Together
Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Whatever Got Back Together

 

Google: “Did you mean Scott Disick?” Me: “Yes, yes I did. Thank you, Google.”

Yes, it’s time to celebrate, Keeping Up With the Kardashiansfans…Two sources have confirmed to E! News that Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are officially back together. We’re told they’ve been back on for a few months, and while they’re not living together, they’ve been spending lots of time together. One insider tells us,  “They are back together and giving their relationship a try again.” So what’s the cause of the rekindling? The source notes, “Scott’s mellowed out a lot and hasn’t been partying.”

I still don’t really know what this Scott dude does, but if I had to pinpoint one skill, it’s not ending up dead or in a hospital against his will like most of the dudes who date a Kardashian. Props. Maybe if their ratings drop anymore, Scott will OD on heroin at the end of an NBA bench while thinking about a whore ranch in Nevada. Find out on the next episode of KUTK!

 

banner pic = Instagram

 

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Lindsay Lohan And Kourtney Kardashian Did London (The City) Last Night

White millennials have been emailing in since Tuesday to warn me that the world will end in November because Hillary Clinton won’t give them every single thing they demand like their parents, so that’s been fun. I don’t reply, because I know it’s been a rough week for them. The law of averages says that at least one of them had a panic attack and had to call their mom from their car because their favorite bubble tea place closed down. It’s been a lot to handle this week. But I hope these pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Kourtney Kardashian in London renew their faith that anything is possible, because Lindsay looks a billion times hotter than Kourtney here. I bet nobody saw that coming. You can still hope that Clinton goes to prison or hope the DNC finally allows the mail in votes from Mars to be counted, but I hope you can appreciate these pictures for a moment. 

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Kourtney Kardashian Is A Great Mom

I guess if you’re gonna get a Kardashian repeatedly pregnant, then Kourtney Kardashian is probably your best choice. Off top, she doesn’t look like Kim or Khloe, and that’s what you look for when you want to get somebody pregnant. God doesn’t even want Khloe pregnant. Also, Kourtney will take all your kids to the beach while you party in Vegas. She’ll even wear these jean shorts things so you can still look at her butt if your Vegas hotel has free wi-fi. Lots of positives here. 

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Kourtney Kardashian Should Stop
Kourtney Kardashian Should Stop


Her mutant sister has been linked to her third NBA player this month (the second without brain damage), so Kourtney Kardashian got a text from her mom telling her to post her ass on Instagram, because this family turns pretty much everything into shit like this. Even emergency plane landings where they should have all died. Luckily for her kids, Kris Jenner knows plane crash deaths only get one news cycle. Two tops. So here’s Kourtney Kardashian’s 37-year old mom ass. Yay? I won’t even mention the caption. Not sure why were all upset about the Armenian genocide. 


 

Eski-ho.

A photo posted by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on

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Here’s Kourtney Kardashian’s Naked Ass
Here’s Kourtney Kardashian’s Naked Ass


I’m not sure of the stipulations that Kris Jenner has in all their contracts, but I think at least one of her daughters has to be naked on the Internet once a week. I guess last night was Kourtney Kardashian‘s turn. Her post didn’t include a caption, and I don’t think she does anything except have Scott Disick’s kids, so I guess her naked ass was to fill the Kris Jenner enforced quota? Somebody has to do the heavy lifting for Kim now. Who knows. Anyway. All aboard for some Photoshopped mom ass.


Just so we’re clear, it’s NSFW.


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Kourtney Kardashian Might Have Two Baby Daddy’s

Since Kourtney Kardashian‘s primary role in Kris Jenner’s Ho Army is to provide viable heirs, she gave birth to her third kid (a dude named “Reign”) last December and is reportedly pregnant with her fourth. These are Scott Disick‘s kids, but they split in July. Wait, back up to that Reign kid. That’s probably not Scott’s.

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Yeah, Kourtney Kardashian Is Definitely Pregnant

I lost my virginity at 14 while my cousin April guarded the door for five minutes, so I’m pretty confident that I probably wouldn’t need a OB/GYN exam prep to pass the written and oral boards. So judging by the size of her boobs now, I’ll go ahead and confirm that Kourtney Karashian is pregnant. One of her other kids is in these pictures (and I really don’t like posting celebrity’s kids),  but if Facebook has taught me anything this week, it’s that life begins the second Jesus rides the semen and lassos the egg to inject the sperm soul thereby creating a fully formed human being while angels sing a song of sanctity. So I would be posting a kid either way here.

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Yeah So, Kourtney Kardashian Is Pregnant Maybe Who Knows

As you already know, Kourtney Kardashian split with Scott Disdontfeellikelookinguptherest because after spitting out three of his kids she finally realized he was a unrepentant drunk who looks like a frat rape organizer. She’s probably pregnant with #4. Congratulations?

A new report claims that Kourt and Scott are in fact pregnant with their fourth child. “It happened during a rare moment when Scott was being charming,” a insider tells Life & Style. “But now the thought of having another child with him is giving her a panic attack. It was right after photos of Scott with another woman came out that Kourtney realized she’d missed her period.” The source adds, “She’s completely stunned. She’s definitely not ‘down’ with having Scott as her baby daddy anymore.” The outlet claims that Scott doesn’t even know about the baby, “Kourtney wants their relationship to end, not to have another reason to have to deal with him.” 

Keep in mind this is coming from Life & Style, and I think they reported last week that JonBenet Ramsey was pregnant. So let’s not jump to conclusions. It’s also good to remember that Kris Jenner has an open contract with Life & Style, so Kourtney might not even know she’s pregnant until her mom texts her later with her season 11 story arch.

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