Kirstie Alley Really Cares About 9/11



Hundreds of New York City firefighters and police officers were on the polo grounds at Bethpage State Park for the Long Island Remembers 10th anniversary tribute on Sunday, where Kirstie Alley was to be a celebrity(?) guest. So they sent a car to pick her up. Um, what the fuck is that? A car?! Don’t you know this is Kirstie Alley??! Star of the small screen when your grandma’s small screen had tinfoil antennaes!!! A car?! Seriously??!! Page Six reports:

Steve Carl, of Carlyle on the Green, offered Alley transportation to the charitable commemoration, but reps for the restaurant told Page Six they were shocked to hear her “demand” for a helicopter landing, showbiz-style, in the middle of the polo field. Alley was informed it wouldn’t be possible to charter a chopper, since it did not comply with airspace restrictions set for Sept. 11. “She had a set of demands that she wanted met before she made the appearance,” Leslie Gonzalez, an event organizer who reps Carlyle on the Green, told us. But, “She almost canceled the appearance because she couldn’t get a helicopter.” Another restaurant rep chimed in, “We couldn’t believe it. It’s a memorial service, not a party.”

Hey, remember in Jurassic Park when they lowered the cows into the velociraptor cage? Yeah. They totally should have used something like that. No sense in making the pilot say goodbye to his loved ones because he doesn’t know how he’s going to keep the helicopter airborne because this fat bitch thinks she’s Obama.

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Kirstie Alley Is Delusional

Kirstie Alley lost about 90 pounds and now claims to be almost Megan Fox’s size. No, really. The NY Daily News reports:

The only thing more shocking than Kirstie Alley’s dramatic weight loss is that she claims to be almost the same size as none other than Megan Fox. “My goal dress has a waist that’s 22 inches,” she told Life & Style. “I tried it on, and I can almost zip it up.” The svelte Fox, well-known for an extremely thin body, told the magazine she does indeed have a “22-inch waist.” And yet in recent photos, the two actress don’t even look remotely the same size.

It goes without saying that without a Flux Capacitor, genetic engineering, and gastric bypass, Kirstie Alley will never be the same size as Megan Fox. In the meantime, (more…)

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The Inevitable Happened


When Kirstie Alley was announced as a celebrity contest on Dancing With The Stars and “here’s her partner Thor” wasn’t said immediately afterward, it was only a matter of time before Sir Isaac Newton would be in the spotlight once again. Specifically, last night. When Maksim Chmerkovskiy‘s knee finally succumbed to the tsunami of BMI and heart disease that he’s been bombarded with for the last three weeks. As you watch this video, please keep in mind that this wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t a slip. You can literally see the point in the conversation where his femur and tibia looked at each other and said “fuck this bullshit” and collapsed like Chmerkovskiy had been kneecapped by the mafia.

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Kirstie Alley Will Save the Planet



Kirstie Alley attended some kind of Church of Scientology summit in Florida last summer and talked about the experience in an interview in the church’s official magazine. Page Six reports

Alley, listed as a founding member of Scientology’s “Super Power Expansion Project,” gushes about its Florida summit last summer: “I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different…My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of ‘mankind’ – it really irritated me!” Alley continues: “Then I realized why mankind upset me so much – it’s because I wasn’t taking responsibility!…Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind…I’ve made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I’m going to help this group and help this planet, and it’s real…I want everybody in the universe to experience this.”

Kirstie Alley then put on a shiny metallic jumpsuit and a scuba mask and handed the interviewer a Lego spaceship. “Commander, tear this ship apart until you’ve found those plans. And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!”, Kirstie Alley was overheard saying.

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Newsworthy Tom Cruise News

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Most people will assume this is all just a joke and is all in good fun, because it’s so fucking absurd, but it’s newsworthy nonetheless, so we’ll report it. It sounds like a Saturday Night Live parody of Starship Troopers. These guys are almost as funny as those junior high, being forced to walk to the chalkboard with an erection jokes. But they’re not as funny as fart jokes, because even Scientologists know nothing is funnier than farts, or do they?

Click here for 2 more newsworthy video clips…



Click here for 2 more newsworthy video clips…

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Kirstie Alley is Busted

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Kirstie Alley sure seems pissed off. Is it because she’s not wearing that industrial strength body sleeve they squeeze her into for those commercials so you can’t tell how fat she still is? Oh, and is that Chinese food I see? I don’t think ching chang chong or whatever it says on those containers translates to “Jenny Craig.” I’m telling Valerie Bertinelli on you.

Click the banner picture for the larger, sexier photo.

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