Each year, the Kardashian/Jenner family Christmas card gets more and more obnoxious, so we shouldn't be surprised that this year's card cost a quarter of a million dollars. I assume most of that went to laser hair removal and Khloe's estrogen shots. "KONG WANT BE PRETTY TOO!", Khloe screamed. Then they chained a goat to a wall and she ate it. Shhhh, Khloe. Shhhh…. Radar Online reports:
The high fashion Kardashian/Jenner family Christmas card shot by famed photographer David LaChapellecost a whopping $250,000 to shoot, but the first family of reality TV didn’t pay a dime because the production company for Keeping Up With The Kardashiansfooted the bill, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. The elaborate photo shoot took “three days just to put the set together. David was extremely involved in all details of the set installation. It was Kim’s idea to get David to do the family photo Christmas picture,” a family insider told Radar. “At first, David balked because he does photo shoots for major magazines, but Kim convinced him to do it. It wasn’t a cheap photo shoot, and the production company of Keeping Up With The Kardashians paid the $250,000 invoice. Hair, make-up, wardrobe, were all paid for by production, and the Kardashians didn’t pay one dime for their Christmas card!”
I'm not sure what the theme of this atrocity is supposed to be, but at least Kendall Jenner won't have to take new pictures to give clubs when she's hired to be the featured dancer.
Look, I know there's nothing sexier than a 33-year old chick who just gave birth to her third husband's baby posing for a picture in a bathroom while not wearing panties, but can we all agree that we've all never seen a picture so capture the essence of Kanye West not pretending anymore that he's not a sociopath? Nice vacant, blank stare, homey. Also, nice shirt, bruh. You get that at Vuitton Eagle? Anyway, everybody shoud go check out the janitor's Instagram. He has a picture of "YOU AIN’T GOT THE ANSWERS, SWAY!” written on the wall in Kim Kardashian's blood.
Here's Kim Kardashian pushing Baby Yeezus in a stroller in Manhattan yesterday. I tried to find someone that looked more confused pushing something, but I couldn't find a picture of a caveman trying to push the iOS7 update.
On June 15th, Kim Kardashian gave birth to Baby Yeezus. Today is November 21st, and she claims to have lost 50 pounds through diet and exercise. Read those two sentences again. I know, bullshit. So it's really not surpsrising that Life & Style is reporting that Kim actually lost $80K by getting plastic surgery (including fillers, stretch-mark treatments and a fat-reducing ultrasound procedure on her stomach that costs up to $5,000 a session) and more in calls to paparazzi to photograph her leaving a gym (“She even wore workout clothes to throw off the photographers and begged them to make it look like she was going inside to work out, not to get laser treatments"). But despite everything coming out of the Kardashian's mouth being a calculated lie so they can manipulate the media and form their own version of the truth, Kim went on a Twitter rant last night (Thanks, Kanye) to further perpetuate the lie that she's ever worked in her entire life.
I am very frustrated today seeing reports that I got surgery to lose my baby weight! This is FALSE. I worked so hard to train myself to eat right & healthy, I work out so hard & this was such a challenge for me but I did it!!! I'm so proud of my accomplishment & NO ONE will take this away from me with fake reports! Say what u want about me but I work hard & am the most disciplined person u will ever meet!
I honestly don't even know where to begin here, because Kim Kardashian claims the only plastic surgeon she's ever had in her life is botox despite the fact she's had more plastic surgery than a burn victim getting a gender reassignment. The junior high video club did manage to take off 100 pounds in the "Bound2" video with the Windows 95 software they had, so I guess that's what we're supposed to use to compare to the billions of pictures that are currently available online this week that make her look like an Armenian Grimace in clothes Kanye picked out. At this point, just say you had the surgery, because honestly, who really gives a shit? It's 2013. Do me a favor and let Kanye's next video director know.
So here's the uncensored video of "Bound 2". All that really means is that it has way more Kanye cursing and way more topless Kim Kardashian and her vacant, lifeless eyes. Man, this video is sexy. Because nothing says hot like a 33-year old chick getting banged on a motorcycle by her baby daddy who she's trying to make her third husband. "Lemme smang it guurl," my penis just said. Haha, whoa! Where did he come from?! You never really know when he's gonna pop up! Such a prankster!
Because he's a true gangsta and genius, Kanye West debuted his music video for "Bound 2" on a show watched by white housewives, The Ellen DeGeneres Show. The video looks like it was shot for $50, but it looks even more cheap because Kanye bangs his favorite accessory on a stationary motorcycle in front of a green screen. Trul groundbreaking stuff here.
Adding to the list of emasculated men who involve themselves with the Kardashians, Kanye West's "surprise proposal" to Kim Kardashian with a 15 carat ring and a rented out stadium, was apparently a surprise to only us.
Kim Kardashian picked out her spectacular 15 carat diamond engagement ring herself — because she knew her baby daddy Kanye West was going to propose, RadarOnline.com has learned. “Kim had picked out her own Lorraine Schwartz engagement ring,” a source close to the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star has revealed. The reality beauty “told Kanye to get the ring from Lorraine Schwartz because she loves the jeweler’s diamonds. She knew the proposal was happening, she just didn’t know when it would happen.” Kim’s second husband, basketball player Kris Humphries, paid between $200,000-$300,000 for the massive Lorraine Schwartz 16.2 carat diamond ring he gave her for their 2011 engagement. Because of the publicity value, Humphries got a huge discount as the ring was estimated to be worth $2 million. But the couple’s marriage collapsed after only 72 days and Humphries recently sold the ring at auction for $749,000. With jeweler Schwartz, the source said, “Kanye got a significant deal on the ring just as Kris did because of all the publicity it will get. Before Kim gave the ultimate seal of approval on the sparkler, Kanye looked at over 20 diamonds. The diamond has no flaws and has more sparkle than Kim’s previous ring.”
This really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone since Kris Jenner doesn't allow any of her stable of Armnenian whores to do anything without approval or cameras present. Or without Ryan Seacreast sacrificing a virgin. Or without me having sex with Kendall Jenner when she turns 18. Wait, what? Whoa, whoa. Slow it down, Todd. Slow it down.
Proving once again that his lyrics are hollow and meaningless, Kanye West is reportedly refusing to ask Kim Kardashian for a prenup even though she's already been married twice for a total of 3 years and 72 days. I'm sure he has nothing to worry about. HollywoodLife reports:
Kanye is so overjoyed that Kim has agreed to be his wife, and the last thing on his mind right now is money. He ‘loves Kim too much’ to even think about asking his beautiful bride-to-be to sign a prenup! Kanye West has been waiting for this moment for so long and he doesn’t want to do anything to ruin his happiness with his new fiance, Kim Kardashian, 33. The Yeezus artist thinks it would be “tacky” and “awkward” to get a prenup — he just wants to celebrate their love instead, a source tells HollywoodLife.com. Read on for all the EXCLUSIVE details! So sweet! Kanye, 36, is really showing how much he loves and trusts Kim by refusing to get a prenup, a source tells HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY. “Kanye’s in love with Kim to the point of infatuation. It’s scary because the love is so powerful, Kanye doesn’t even want to have a prenup,” the source says. “He thinks it’s tacky and he doesn’t want to offend Kim or make anything seem awkward. He loves Kim too much for that to even cross his mind. He thinks of his money and his accomplishments and hers and he wants to share them with her — no strings attached.”
Authorities haven't determined what kind of mind-altering poison Kris Jenner has been soaking Kanye's leather skirts in yet, but if my net worth was $100M, you could pretty much guarantee nobody named "Kardashian" would be even able to smell it. Or look at it through bulletproof glass. It's gonna be pretty sad a few months after the wedding when he's fleeing from paparazzi and his brakes go out then Kim Kardarshian's new perfume is made with brake fluid.
Kanye, if you ain't no punk, you know what to holla. E! News reports:
Kim Kardashiangot the birthday surprise of a lifetime tonight. The E! star is engaged to longtime loveKanye West, the rapper popping the question in front of their friends and family at AT&T Park in San Francisco. Kanye, whose Yeezus Tour touches down in nearby San Jose tomorrow night, rented out the stadium for the occasion.
Kanye will make Kim's third husband three years into her 30s, so let's all congratulate the happy couple on this blessed occassion while we all celebrate the the sanctity of marriage. Coming soon to E!. Check local listings.
Note: Proposed to her on her birthday, Kanye? That doesn't say "genius" to me.
Kim Kardashian posted this picture of her comically fat ass on Instagram late last night, and seriously, does anybody find this attractive? Let's be honest with ourselves. We don't, right? Pretty sure I don't want to put my penis in something that looks like it should come with a side of collard greens and cornbread,