Cool Dress, Kim

Kim Kardashian probably really thinks the Internet is at Best Buy getting repaired, but she’s still in Australia promoting something you hope you’ll spray on yourself called “Fleur Fatale”. But even when she’s trying to sell something it can’t be about the product, so she wore this latex dress. She probably had to keep the Crisco on her ass to get this thing on and even then I think the dress checked it’s insurance policy to see if it covered inhalers.

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Kim Kardashian Is Trying To Buy An Island To Build A Theme Park For Her Kid

Kim Kardashian’s ass didn’t #BreakTheInternet, because luckily for humanity, landing a probe on a comet is more important, but she’s in Australia right now promoting her new fragrance and trying to buy an island to make a private theme park for North West. Daily Mail (via Gawker) reports:

[Kim] will most likely name her sanctuary the Isle Kardashian…the island already boasts luxurious views of the Great Barrier Reef and exclusive privacy perfect for a famous star. According to Private Islands Online, the island worth $5 million AUD and spanning 9.4 hectares is “fit for a movie star or recluse celebrity.” With already a state-of-the-art three bedroom house, the island still has space for Kim’s theme park plans, with New Idea reporting a water slide and ferris wheel are key attractions the socialite is hoping to build for her 17-month-old daughter North West.

Wait, wasn’t there another famous black kid with shitty parents and an embarrassing family who grew up to have their own private theme park where they lured little boys to be molested and raped? I’m not saying this will happen, but Kris Jenner could easily start franchising her sweatshop. The rides would be powered by children’s tears. Just something to think about.

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Ok, So Here’s The Kim Kardashian Full Frontal Stuff

 

Let’s go ahead and this out of the way words words words words blah blah blah Kim Kardashian full frontal words words words words words blah blah Kim Kardashian naked words words words words words word words words words this is for SEO purposes only words words words tomorrow is Friday is everybody excited words words words words words words what’s your plan words words words words words words oh that sounds pretty fun hope you have a good time words words words words words words words words words Kim Kardashian full frontal Kim Kardashian nakedwords words words words  words words words words .

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LOL
LOL

 

Ok, so Paper said, “For our winter issue, we gave ourselves one assignment: Break The Internet”. I don’t want to be the one to point this out, but in terms of breaking the Internet, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than photoshopping in her daughter’s waist on a 34-year old woman whose been married three times and using up the Earth’s supply of baby oil to cover up her ass that we’ve all seen a million times. The only thing that’s breaking is North West’s will when she gets her first iPad. I mean, say what you want about Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj doing the same thing, but at least they have shit on iTunes and Ticketmaster you can buy. Like, what exactly is Kim Kardashian promoting? Sequined garbage bags? Her fragrance? I don’t think honey-glazed ass crack is the best way to do that. I hope I’m not wrong. Is the Internet broke? I typing this online right now and Netflix is asking me if I want to continue watching X-Files so….

 

On a sidenote, remember when Keira Knightley posed topless only if they didn’t retouch her boobs? Kanye West would have to reboot Kim Kardashian in safe mode if she tried to do that.

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Kim Kardashian Still Has Birthday Parties At 34

You know Kim Kardashian has that special kind of female psychosis that makes chicks celebrate their “birthday week” and also makes them lack any other ideas than “OMG Vegas!” for where they want to spend their birthday. So here she is turning 34 at TAO Nightclub with her rack hanging out while her infant is unaware that she is in store for a lifetime of her own deep, female  psychological trauma that will force her to ask people on Facebook in July what she should wear for Halloween.

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Kim Kardashian Decided To Wear This For Some Reason

Kim Kardashian obviously has a stylist who secretly hates her and wants her to die from holding her breath, because there’s no way in hell she should be walking around in half the shit she wears, because right now that skirt looks make her look like a fruit roll up that’s never eaten a piece of fruit. The stitches in every part of this outfit need an inhaler. Christ. She looks like a blowup doll that was blown up with a defective PSI gauge.

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Kim And Kanye Got Booed At Fashion Week
Kim And Kanye Got Booed At Fashion Week

 

Seen here in a picture that fully encapsulates their relationship (Kanye overreaching, Kim propping herself up), Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were booed at the Lanvi show in Paris because they arrived late to the front row. Fashion show are on a very tight schedule, because Anna Wintour’s human mask only lasts 99 minutes and the heroin they give the models doesn’t last that long. You have to stop the show, shoot them up again. It just becomes this huge ordeal.

 

 

pic source = Instagram

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Kanye Is Putting Kim In An Armored Car Now

Let’s brush over the fact that Kanye West is wearing legit leg warmers in these pics and focus on the realization that we live in a world where Kim Kardashian‘s self-importance has reached ‘I need to be in an armored car” levels.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are bulletproof — or will be very soon — because they’re ramping up their personal security – complete with ARMORED VEHICLESafter a frightening assault in Paris. Our Kim and Kanye sources say … K&K were “freaked out” after Kim was almost tackled to the ground by a crazy man. They’re especially upset because the Paris paparazzi are following them in hordes … and crowd control has become extremely difficult. Our sources say … they’ve hired 2 additional teams of armed bodyguards who will encircle them whenever they’re in public during Fashion Week.

“After a frightening assault”? Not sure I would classify it as that, but okay. Whatever you need to say to justify getting an armored vehicle, I guess. Kanye could probably get a discount if he buys one without a door in the back, because if Kim gets shot in the ass there’s a good chance she won’t feel it. Or in the forehead. Or basically anywhere in the face. if somebody really wants to scare Kim, I’d suggest saying all the laser hair removal places in Paris have been shut down.

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Kim Kardashian Got “Attacked” At Paris Fashion Week
Kim Kardashian Got “Attacked” At Paris Fashion Week

 

Bruh. Kanye West in Paris looking like a mariachi.

Kim Kardashian was tackled and almost knocked to the ground in an alarming assault during a Paris Fashion Week event. Kim, Kanye and Kris Jenner arrived at a Fashion Show Thursday … and several hundred people — including a gaggle of photogs — were squeezed in to watch them arrive. As Kim gets out of the car, a guy lunges at her, tackling her legs and tries to pull her to the ground. You see security jump in, subdue the guy … and then quickly escort Kim and Kris into the building. TMZ has learned the attacker may be Vitalii Sediuk — the Ukrainian prankster who did the same thing to Leo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Will Smith. According to his rep, Sediuk is taking credit for lunging at Kim. He wasn’t arrested on the scene — but our Kardashian sources say the paparazzi actually turned on Sediuk and held him down while Kim was whisked away.

Ok, so maybe she wasn’t really attacked. Some dude tried to tackle her, because that’s a funny prank or something, I guess? I’m not sure. You’d think nobody would bother Kim in Paris because she looks kinda Muslim, but she also dresses like pastor’s wife, so it was probably confusing to a lot of bystanders.

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Oh No, You Guys
Oh No, You Guys

 

At least it was longer than 72 hours. That’s a plus.

The latest issue of In Touch Weekly talks up a “Nasty $250M Divorce” on the way for the couple dubbed Kimye, as they allegedly got involved in the “fight to end all fights” and their union will be over. Kardashian supposedly “wants out” because she’s tired of her husband’s big ego and controlling behavior, an anonymous insider hilariously claims, while the tabloid writes that the pair has never even “lived together full-time.” Kanye is also mad about the Kim Kardashian nude photos that leaked this week because they were snapped (a long time ago) for another man, while he’s been pushing her to “quit” her reality show – and Kim just can’t take it anymore.

OMG, you guys. Two narcissistic, ego maniacs who would shrivel and die unless they get put outside in the spotlight once a day can’t get a long? Why didn’t anybody see this coming? And why does North have a comb over? And what was worse than Kendra knew? That new show Gotham? It’s pretty bad.

 

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