Kim Kardashian Took A Bathroom Selfie, Bent The Mirror
Kim Kardashian Took A Bathroom Selfie, Bent The Mirror

Kim Kardashian is still living under the delusion that she’s not a bell and a picket fence away from being a menu item at Farm Burger that was fattened and finished on sweet grass and narcissism, so here’s another bathroom selfie because she can’t pass a mirror without being completely entranced by her own psychosis. That felt like a run on sentence. Anyway, check the mirror in the back. Did Khloe kick in? Is this bathroom haunted? Who can say? It’s pretty weird that every inanimate object in a selfie with this ho can bend space and time.

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Kim Kardashian Can’t Get Pregnant

It’s a Christmas miracle!

Kim Kardashian is upset for a very good reason … as hard as she’s been trying, she can’t get pregnant. Kim has been very open with friends and family … she and Kanye have been trying to have another baby for the last 9 months but nothing has worked. Kim has been to fertility doctors, but they’ve made it clear … having another baby is a long shot. Turns out North West was a miracle baby … she had 3 specialists tell her she couldn’t get pregnant before North was conceived.  Kim and Kanye assumed the second baby would be easier since it worked once, but the doctors are telling her that’s not the case. We’re told Kim is trying to reduce her stress (Todd’s note: LOL)  and cut down on traveling … per doctor’s advice. The pic was taken Tuesday in Bev Hills after visiting her doctor. We’re told Kanye has been to almost every doctor’s visit … Kim goes once a month.

Idk, her ass kinda looks pregnant to me.  I mean, Kim did say her last pregnancy was God punishing her for being “too hot”, so maybe now he’s smiting her. God loves getting his smite on. Also, this is Kim Kardashian, so maybe it’s just as simple as the doctors reminding her to stop using birth control. That’s been widely known to make you not have a baby.

 

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Kim Kardashian Cropped Her Own Kid Out Of A Selfie
Kim Kardashian Cropped Her Own Kid Out Of A Selfie

 

When Kim Kardashian failed to break the Internet, there was backlash against the backlash claiming we were body shaming and disrespected a mother. Apparently we’re the only ones who realize she has a kid, because in her recent selfie on Instagram, she cropped North West out of it. Crop game on fleek as the young kids are saying. I don’t know if you can accurately measure this type of narcissism here, but Harrison Ford was just asked to hunt her down and retire her.

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Put Those Away, Mom

Look at these pictures of Kim Kardashian. Or you can realize they’re basically every picture of Kim Kardashian that you’ve ever seen, because if she’s not drawing attention to her rack or ass, then you’d have to look at her face and her dead, soulless eyes and maybe wait for her to say something remotely interesting or profound. She’s a brown, sentient blow up doll with readily available orifices that Kris Jenner and Kanye West and every media outlet desperate for traffic can’t wait to fill  as long as she gets the money up front. In twenty years she’ll still be wearing the same shit and talking into her magic mirror. Prepare yourself. America.

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Kim Kardashian Thinks Pregnancy Was God Punishing Her

When the only choice you have to not be the brown dog that follows around Paris Hilton is to star and broker the release of your own sex tape, then star in a show about your vapid and superficial family, then make millions off the backs of Chinese child laborers, then get married three times, people would assume God loves you, because this is America and God blesses American winners. Turns out Kim Kardashian has a deep relationship with God, and he got her pregnant to punish her for being too hot.

I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy,” she said. “After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body”

I’m conflicted, because I’m told that every fetus is a precious gift from God until they have to get on food stamps or turn 12 and play with a toy gun on a playground, but please keep in mind this is Kim Kardashian, so the pregnancy isn’t about the baby, it’s about how she looks in a mirror. Not entirely sure she knows that when you have another human growing inside you, you can’t take that extra weight and transfer that weight to her ass (you know, like she did with her actual ass). God was jel because Kim was so hot, so he knocked her up with Kanye’s Baby. I’m tired of hearing about how great Dr. Saperstein is, Kanye!

 

 

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Cool Dress, Kim

Kim Kardashian probably really thinks the Internet is at Best Buy getting repaired, but she’s still in Australia promoting something you hope you’ll spray on yourself called “Fleur Fatale”. But even when she’s trying to sell something it can’t be about the product, so she wore this latex dress. She probably had to keep the Crisco on her ass to get this thing on and even then I think the dress checked it’s insurance policy to see if it covered inhalers.

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Kim Kardashian Is Trying To Buy An Island To Build A Theme Park For Her Kid

Kim Kardashian’s ass didn’t #BreakTheInternet, because luckily for humanity, landing a probe on a comet is more important, but she’s in Australia right now promoting her new fragrance and trying to buy an island to make a private theme park for North West. Daily Mail (via Gawker) reports:

[Kim] will most likely name her sanctuary the Isle Kardashian…the island already boasts luxurious views of the Great Barrier Reef and exclusive privacy perfect for a famous star. According to Private Islands Online, the island worth $5 million AUD and spanning 9.4 hectares is “fit for a movie star or recluse celebrity.” With already a state-of-the-art three bedroom house, the island still has space for Kim’s theme park plans, with New Idea reporting a water slide and ferris wheel are key attractions the socialite is hoping to build for her 17-month-old daughter North West.

Wait, wasn’t there another famous black kid with shitty parents and an embarrassing family who grew up to have their own private theme park where they lured little boys to be molested and raped? I’m not saying this will happen, but Kris Jenner could easily start franchising her sweatshop. The rides would be powered by children’s tears. Just something to think about.

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Ok, So Here’s The Kim Kardashian Full Frontal Stuff

 

Let’s go ahead and this out of the way words words words words blah blah blah Kim Kardashian full frontal words words words words words blah blah Kim Kardashian naked words words words words words word words words words this is for SEO purposes only words words words tomorrow is Friday is everybody excited words words words words words words what’s your plan words words words words words words oh that sounds pretty fun hope you have a good time words words words words words words words words words Kim Kardashian full frontal Kim Kardashian nakedwords words words words  words words words words .

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LOL
LOL

 

Ok, so Paper said, “For our winter issue, we gave ourselves one assignment: Break The Internet”. I don’t want to be the one to point this out, but in terms of breaking the Internet, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than photoshopping in her daughter’s waist on a 34-year old woman whose been married three times and using up the Earth’s supply of baby oil to cover up her ass that we’ve all seen a million times. The only thing that’s breaking is North West’s will when she gets her first iPad. I mean, say what you want about Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj doing the same thing, but at least they have shit on iTunes and Ticketmaster you can buy. Like, what exactly is Kim Kardashian promoting? Sequined garbage bags? Her fragrance? I don’t think honey-glazed ass crack is the best way to do that. I hope I’m not wrong. Is the Internet broke? I typing this online right now and Netflix is asking me if I want to continue watching X-Files so….

 

On a sidenote, remember when Keira Knightley posed topless only if they didn’t retouch her boobs? Kanye West would have to reboot Kim Kardashian in safe mode if she tried to do that.

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