Kim Kardashian Cropped Her Own Kid Out Of A Selfie
Kim Kardashian Cropped Her Own Kid Out Of A Selfie

 

When Kim Kardashian failed to break the Internet, there was backlash against the backlash claiming we were body shaming and disrespected a mother. Apparently we’re the only ones who realize she has a kid, because in her recent selfie on Instagram, she cropped North West out of it. Crop game on fleek as the young kids are saying. I don’t know if you can accurately measure this type of narcissism here, but Harrison Ford was just asked to hunt her down and retire her.

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Put Those Away, Mom

Look at these pictures of Kim Kardashian. Or you can realize they’re basically every picture of Kim Kardashian that you’ve ever seen, because if she’s not drawing attention to her rack or ass, then you’d have to look at her face and her dead, soulless eyes and maybe wait for her to say something remotely interesting or profound. She’s a brown, sentient blow up doll with readily available orifices that Kris Jenner and Kanye West and every media outlet desperate for traffic can’t wait to fill  as long as she gets the money up front. In twenty years she’ll still be wearing the same shit and talking into her magic mirror. Prepare yourself. America.

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Kim Kardashian Thinks Pregnancy Was God Punishing Her

When the only choice you have to not be the brown dog that follows around Paris Hilton is to star and broker the release of your own sex tape, then star in a show about your vapid and superficial family, then make millions off the backs of Chinese child laborers, then get married three times, people would assume God loves you, because this is America and God blesses American winners. Turns out Kim Kardashian has a deep relationship with God, and he got her pregnant to punish her for being too hot.

I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy,” she said. “After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body”

I’m conflicted, because I’m told that every fetus is a precious gift from God until they have to get on food stamps or turn 12 and play with a toy gun on a playground, but please keep in mind this is Kim Kardashian, so the pregnancy isn’t about the baby, it’s about how she looks in a mirror. Not entirely sure she knows that when you have another human growing inside you, you can’t take that extra weight and transfer that weight to her ass (you know, like she did with her actual ass). God was jel because Kim was so hot, so he knocked her up with Kanye’s Baby. I’m tired of hearing about how great Dr. Saperstein is, Kanye!

 

 

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Cool Dress, Kim

Kim Kardashian probably really thinks the Internet is at Best Buy getting repaired, but she’s still in Australia promoting something you hope you’ll spray on yourself called “Fleur Fatale”. But even when she’s trying to sell something it can’t be about the product, so she wore this latex dress. She probably had to keep the Crisco on her ass to get this thing on and even then I think the dress checked it’s insurance policy to see if it covered inhalers.

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Kim Kardashian Is Trying To Buy An Island To Build A Theme Park For Her Kid

Kim Kardashian’s ass didn’t #BreakTheInternet, because luckily for humanity, landing a probe on a comet is more important, but she’s in Australia right now promoting her new fragrance and trying to buy an island to make a private theme park for North West. Daily Mail (via Gawker) reports:

[Kim] will most likely name her sanctuary the Isle Kardashian…the island already boasts luxurious views of the Great Barrier Reef and exclusive privacy perfect for a famous star. According to Private Islands Online, the island worth $5 million AUD and spanning 9.4 hectares is “fit for a movie star or recluse celebrity.” With already a state-of-the-art three bedroom house, the island still has space for Kim’s theme park plans, with New Idea reporting a water slide and ferris wheel are key attractions the socialite is hoping to build for her 17-month-old daughter North West.

Wait, wasn’t there another famous black kid with shitty parents and an embarrassing family who grew up to have their own private theme park where they lured little boys to be molested and raped? I’m not saying this will happen, but Kris Jenner could easily start franchising her sweatshop. The rides would be powered by children’s tears. Just something to think about.

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Ok, So Here’s The Kim Kardashian Full Frontal Stuff

 

Let’s go ahead and this out of the way words words words words blah blah blah Kim Kardashian full frontal words words words words words blah blah Kim Kardashian naked words words words words words word words words words this is for SEO purposes only words words words tomorrow is Friday is everybody excited words words words words words words what’s your plan words words words words words words oh that sounds pretty fun hope you have a good time words words words words words words words words words Kim Kardashian full frontal Kim Kardashian nakedwords words words words  words words words words .

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LOL
LOL

 

Ok, so Paper said, “For our winter issue, we gave ourselves one assignment: Break The Internet”. I don’t want to be the one to point this out, but in terms of breaking the Internet, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than photoshopping in her daughter’s waist on a 34-year old woman whose been married three times and using up the Earth’s supply of baby oil to cover up her ass that we’ve all seen a million times. The only thing that’s breaking is North West’s will when she gets her first iPad. I mean, say what you want about Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj doing the same thing, but at least they have shit on iTunes and Ticketmaster you can buy. Like, what exactly is Kim Kardashian promoting? Sequined garbage bags? Her fragrance? I don’t think honey-glazed ass crack is the best way to do that. I hope I’m not wrong. Is the Internet broke? I typing this online right now and Netflix is asking me if I want to continue watching X-Files so….

 

On a sidenote, remember when Keira Knightley posed topless only if they didn’t retouch her boobs? Kanye West would have to reboot Kim Kardashian in safe mode if she tried to do that.

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Kim Kardashian Still Has Birthday Parties At 34

You know Kim Kardashian has that special kind of female psychosis that makes chicks celebrate their “birthday week” and also makes them lack any other ideas than “OMG Vegas!” for where they want to spend their birthday. So here she is turning 34 at TAO Nightclub with her rack hanging out while her infant is unaware that she is in store for a lifetime of her own deep, female  psychological trauma that will force her to ask people on Facebook in July what she should wear for Halloween.

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Kim Kardashian Decided To Wear This For Some Reason

Kim Kardashian obviously has a stylist who secretly hates her and wants her to die from holding her breath, because there’s no way in hell she should be walking around in half the shit she wears, because right now that skirt looks make her look like a fruit roll up that’s never eaten a piece of fruit. The stitches in every part of this outfit need an inhaler. Christ. She looks like a blowup doll that was blown up with a defective PSI gauge.

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Kim And Kanye Got Booed At Fashion Week
Kim And Kanye Got Booed At Fashion Week

 

Seen here in a picture that fully encapsulates their relationship (Kanye overreaching, Kim propping herself up), Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were booed at the Lanvi show in Paris because they arrived late to the front row. Fashion show are on a very tight schedule, because Anna Wintour’s human mask only lasts 99 minutes and the heroin they give the models doesn’t last that long. You have to stop the show, shoot them up again. It just becomes this huge ordeal.

 

 

pic source = Instagram

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