O.J. Simpson Is Probably Going To Kill Kim Kardashian
O.J. Simpson Is Probably Going To Kill Kim Kardashian

 

O.J. Simpson didn’t kill Nicole Brown Simpson in the same way George Zimmerman didn’t kill Trayvon Martin or that Ferguson punk cop didn’t kill Mike Brown, but he’s serving a 33-year prison sentence anyway for robbery and kidnapping. He’s eligible for parole in 2017, so Kim Kardashian better get started on scratching off stuff from her bucket list.

“He has several sexy pictures of Kim hanging up in his prison cell from her 2007 Playboy shoot and he isn’t shy about showing her picture to fellow inmates,” an insider told us…Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days. As far as her recent wedding to Kanye West, Simpson doesn’t think that it’s any big deal saying, “As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her so Kanye can have her for now. “But when I get out she’s mine.”…“O.J. said he always thought was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession. “He reads every magazine he can about her and when she is on TV he demands silence from his fellow inmates so he can watch without interruption. He’s even tried to get in contact with her, but so far she hasn’t responded to him.”

Ray J likes to say he made Kim Kardashian famous, but it was O.J. Mostly because her father was O.J.’s defense lawyer after O.J. basically decapitated Nicole Brown Simpson for banging a waiter (who O.J. also killed). Kim Kardashian already has dead, lifeless eyes anyway, and O.J. can always say the leather gloves are Kanye’s.

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Kim Kardashian Wants You To Buy A Book Of Her Selfies
Kim Kardashian Wants You To Buy A Book Of Her Selfies

 

I don’t even want to get into the oxymoron of the words “Kim Kardashian” and “book” in the same sentence, but yeah, this is happening.

So that selfie book that Kim Kardashian was making for Kanye West’s eyes only, well it’s coming to a book store near you. Because really it was only a matter of time before the reality star attempted to monetize what she does best — taking photos of herself. We know what you are thinking: Yes, the woman who regularly posts selfies on Instagram and other social media platforms, where you can view them for free, does indeed expect you to shell out $19.95 for a book of selfies. Rizzoli Universe, the company responsible for publishing “Selfish,”also believes that come April 7, 2015, you will open up your wallet and spend $19.95 on 352 pages of photos of Kim Kardashian taken by Kim Kardashian.

Take whatever narcissism you think is happening here then Three Mile Island that shit, because Kim Kardashian took a bunch of pictures of her face with her phone, put a hardcover around them and is selling it for $19.95. She is selling pictures of her face for $19.95. I can’t stress  this fact enough. Picture of her face. In a book. $19.95. We could probably solve the world’s energy crisis if we lock Kim and Kanye in a room with a mirror.

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This Is Kim Kardashian’s New Passport Photo
This Is Kim Kardashian’s New Passport Photo

 

Yeah, so here’s Kim Kardashian‘s new passport pic which she captioned, “New passport pic #Mrs.West #NameChange.” Either this is a mall airbrush artist’s rendition of a Kim Kardashian passport pic or one day Kim will unzip human suit and just be a alien shark lizard. Both of those scenarios make perfect sense.

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Kim Kardashian Got Jokes
Kim Kardashian Got Jokes

 

I guess she feels confident in the fact that her marriage to Kanye West has lasted more than 73 days, so Kim Kardashian posted this completely not staged at picture of Kanye “sleeping” with the caption “Side chicks be like..”. Not really sure who this passive aggressive post is aimed at, and I don’t really care. I’m more concerned about her face. What’s going on with it? I hope she finally tells Batman exactly how she got those scars.

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Kill It With Fire
Kill It With Fire

 

Kim Kardashian is being applauded for posting a selfie that didn’t include 18 billable Adobe After Effects’ hours, but is this something we should really applauding? Or should we applaud anybody who walked by and didn’t ask her if she was on a no-fly list? Racial stereotypes are dangerous.

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Hey, Kim Kardashian Took Another Picture Of Her Butt
Hey, Kim Kardashian Took Another Picture Of Her Butt

 

You’re not gonna believe this, but Kim Kardashian took a picture of her ass while “working out”. And by “working out” I mean she put on workout clothes, walked in the gym, took a pic, sent it over to LucasFilm for post-production, posted it to Instagram, then went to Buffalo Wild Wings.

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Here’s Kim Kardashian Sunbathing Topless
Here’s Kim Kardashian Sunbathing Topless

 

Kim Kardashian must have received a text from her mom saying one of the Chinese kids who makes their hooker clothes for Sears is proficient at Photoshop, because she posted this pic on Instagram yesterday after these pictures were posted everywhere else.  I’m not saying she purposefully had a pregnant lady in the picture to show scale  then digitally altered her ass to remove 25 pounds, no wait, that’s what I’m saying. That’s totally what I’m saying. Sorry. I get confused sometimes.

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Kim Kardashian Is Subtle

Now I don’t know about you, but when I think of a legendary and iconic Italian fashion house that is one of the highest expressions of couture savoir faire worldwide, I think of a fat Armenian chick who dresses like she’s in a poster for a strip club advertising a featured dancer.

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LOL

Dude. Seriously. Does Kim Kardashian have any friends? Or does Kris Jenner pay a Chinese kid 25 cents a day to be the voice of Kim's magic mirror? Who let her leave the house like this, because she's asking way too much from whatever magical spell is holding this dress together. She looks like one of Pablo Escobar's hippos that got shipped to NYC by mistake. Somebody tag and release this bitch. We know you ain't at the gym, quit lying on Foursquare. We have the data.

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Kim Kardashian Is Blonde, Cold
Kim Kardashian Is Blonde, Cold

 

Being an attention whore is a skill, so here's Kim Kardashian showing off her new blondish hair and her nipple. What does her nipple want? What are it's intentions? Is Kanye trying to buy it a Vogue cover? Does it have to be waxed regularly? I'm reaching out to see if it'll sit down for an interview. Lots of unanswered questions here.

 

pic source = Instagram

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