Cool. Kanye Made A Blonde Sex Robot

Much like when Asian chicks dye their hair blonde and look dumb, Kim Kardashian has also dyed her hair blonde to continue her transformation into Kanye’s sentient sex robot with a plugin that allows it to reproduce and nod when Kanye speaks. I don’t know how much this cost, but she might have saved money in the long run if she dyed her body hair blonde as well.

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Kim Kardashian Is Still Doing This

To put this in some perspective, Kim Kardashian wore this dress to a tattoo parlor. So four hours prior, she used about six bottles of baby powder to squeeze into it before Kanye called the paparazzi and told them to be ready. I like how Kim is wearing this dress yet is covering up her ass, because she still wants to be a lady. Like the time Ray J pissed on her in their sex tape, but she edited that part out. That’s what real ladies do.

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LOL

Kim Kardashian got a second hand invitation to the Brit Awards, and she showed up wearing another one of special made outfits that was specially crafted by Chinese kids with a firm grasp on the law of physics. Like, for real, who looks at her ass and legitimately wants to stick their penis in it? It looks like something you’d lower into the velociraptor cage.

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Amber Rose Just Responded To Kanye

The Amber Rose/Khloe Kardashian twitter feud was stuff of legend earlier this week, in which Amber Rose held Khloe’s severed head above the Internet and ate the marrow from her bones before making a necklace out her rib cage. But since it wasn’t Beyonce being attacked, Kanye West took a few days to respond (you can hear the whole interview here). He basically confirmed that Tyga is dating 17-year Kylie Jenner, and seemingly condoned statutory rape by saying Tyga, “got in early”. He also said he daughter, North West, “has a chance to be as voluptuous as Kim”. I guess he’s set aside a trust for the surgeries since he’s already thinking about dat ass on a toddler. A far as Amber goes, Kanye said he had to “take 30 showers” after he dated her. Then Amber replied.

 

I don’t know much about Amber Rose, but I assume she can throw shoryukens in real life.

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Kim Kardashian Took A Bathroom Selfie, Bent The Mirror
Kim Kardashian Took A Bathroom Selfie, Bent The Mirror

Kim Kardashian is still living under the delusion that she’s not a bell and a picket fence away from being a menu item at Farm Burger that was fattened and finished on sweet grass and narcissism, so here’s another bathroom selfie because she can’t pass a mirror without being completely entranced by her own psychosis. That felt like a run on sentence. Anyway, check the mirror in the back. Did Khloe kick in? Is this bathroom haunted? Who can say? It’s pretty weird that every inanimate object in a selfie with this ho can bend space and time.

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Kim Kardashian Can’t Get Pregnant

It’s a Christmas miracle!

Kim Kardashian is upset for a very good reason … as hard as she’s been trying, she can’t get pregnant. Kim has been very open with friends and family … she and Kanye have been trying to have another baby for the last 9 months but nothing has worked. Kim has been to fertility doctors, but they’ve made it clear … having another baby is a long shot. Turns out North West was a miracle baby … she had 3 specialists tell her she couldn’t get pregnant before North was conceived.  Kim and Kanye assumed the second baby would be easier since it worked once, but the doctors are telling her that’s not the case. We’re told Kim is trying to reduce her stress (Todd’s note: LOL)  and cut down on traveling … per doctor’s advice. The pic was taken Tuesday in Bev Hills after visiting her doctor. We’re told Kanye has been to almost every doctor’s visit … Kim goes once a month.

Idk, her ass kinda looks pregnant to me.  I mean, Kim did say her last pregnancy was God punishing her for being “too hot”, so maybe now he’s smiting her. God loves getting his smite on. Also, this is Kim Kardashian, so maybe it’s just as simple as the doctors reminding her to stop using birth control. That’s been widely known to make you not have a baby.

 

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Kim Kardashian Cropped Her Own Kid Out Of A Selfie
Kim Kardashian Cropped Her Own Kid Out Of A Selfie

 

When Kim Kardashian failed to break the Internet, there was backlash against the backlash claiming we were body shaming and disrespected a mother. Apparently we’re the only ones who realize she has a kid, because in her recent selfie on Instagram, she cropped North West out of it. Crop game on fleek as the young kids are saying. I don’t know if you can accurately measure this type of narcissism here, but Harrison Ford was just asked to hunt her down and retire her.

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Put Those Away, Mom

Look at these pictures of Kim Kardashian. Or you can realize they’re basically every picture of Kim Kardashian that you’ve ever seen, because if she’s not drawing attention to her rack or ass, then you’d have to look at her face and her dead, soulless eyes and maybe wait for her to say something remotely interesting or profound. She’s a brown, sentient blow up doll with readily available orifices that Kris Jenner and Kanye West and every media outlet desperate for traffic can’t wait to fill  as long as she gets the money up front. In twenty years she’ll still be wearing the same shit and talking into her magic mirror. Prepare yourself. America.

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Kim Kardashian Thinks Pregnancy Was God Punishing Her

When the only choice you have to not be the brown dog that follows around Paris Hilton is to star and broker the release of your own sex tape, then star in a show about your vapid and superficial family, then make millions off the backs of Chinese child laborers, then get married three times, people would assume God loves you, because this is America and God blesses American winners. Turns out Kim Kardashian has a deep relationship with God, and he got her pregnant to punish her for being too hot.

I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy,” she said. “After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body”

I’m conflicted, because I’m told that every fetus is a precious gift from God until they have to get on food stamps or turn 12 and play with a toy gun on a playground, but please keep in mind this is Kim Kardashian, so the pregnancy isn’t about the baby, it’s about how she looks in a mirror. Not entirely sure she knows that when you have another human growing inside you, you can’t take that extra weight and transfer that weight to her ass (you know, like she did with her actual ass). God was jel because Kim was so hot, so he knocked her up with Kanye’s Baby. I’m tired of hearing about how great Dr. Saperstein is, Kanye!

 

 

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