Kim Kardashian Isn’t Real Enough

We all know every single thing Kris Jenner can possibly monetize about her daughter’s pregnancy will get sold and then shoved down America’s collective throat until we beg for mercy, but it turns out Kim‘s extensive plastic surgery might finally be hurting her the only place she can still feel it: her wallet. So far no one wants to pay her to lose the baby weight after she gives birth. HuffPo reports:

“Kim would love to get a paid gig like Jessica, but so far no one is interested,” a friend of the reality star tells The Huffington Post. “She plans to stay healthy during her pregnancy, but even so will gain baby weight that she would love to be paid to lose.” A Weight Watchers representative confirmed the company has no plans to work with Kim, adding that they have a long-term relationship with Jessica. Additionally, Jenny Craig told TMZ they are focusing on “real women,” not Kim.

Oh, buuuuuurn. What this really means is that Kim will get getting super fat long before most of us expected. Because you know she will hold on to that baby weight until someone, anyone gives her money to lose it. She’ll be begging on the streets of LA with a sign saying “Will Do Lunges For $$$.”

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Kim Kardashian Might Be Pregnant

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Look, OK! Magazine did a cover where they claimed I was pregnant once, so draw your own conclusions from this article. But Kim Kardashian might be pregnant.

Now the happy couple’s family and friends have an another even more joyful surprise to celebrate: Kim and Kris are going to have a baby! “Kim always thought she’d have at least one or two kids by now, so she’s absolutely in a hurry,” an insider tells OK!. “And Kris loves kids and doesn’t see any reason to wait,” adds the pal. “Her friends are even taking bets on whether it will be a boy or a girl.”

From a business sense, the baby is gonna come out with that new reality show smell while Ryan Seacrest jacks off in the corner. Because what better way to celebrate your completely scripted and E! funded engagement by creating a spinoff with the power of your uterus? It just seems like the next logical step in Kris Jenner’s plan. On the downside, it’ll probably come out looking like a giant version of Kourtney’s baby (this unfortunate looking Jihad grandpa). Also on the downside, if you think her ass is gonna look a whole better now, you’re black. Sorry about that.

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