The Wedding Will Be Televised



When you’re getting DP’d by your mom and E!, your wedding will obviously become a must-see primetime event as you walk down the aisle wearing the engagement ring that E! helped pay for (hey, here’s Kris “buying” it! How did the paparazzi find him?!) and speak the scripted words written by Kris Jenner and an E! producer through your ear’s wireless earphones. I really hope you weren’t expecting Kim Kardashian‘s and Kris Humphries‘ wedding to be anything different. E! reports:

It comes with the territory,” sis Kourtney dished when we popped the question, before Khloé chimed in: “I mean, I would assume it would be…we sell our souls to E!, but that’s obviously up to Kim and Kris.” Yeah, if she means momager Kris Jenner, right? Forget the fiancé!…”I have somebody waiting out in the hallway to discuss this very thing!” Mama K (joined by Kourtney and Khloé) confessed at E! headquarters, when we pressed on the day of the engagement announcement. “This is the thing, one of the biggest joys in my life is the fact that we have Khloé and Lamar’s experience on E! They filmed it and every time I watch that, I cry.”

I want to take this time out to formally apologize to all of Kris Jenner‘s kids for calling them “Armenian whores” all this time. Whores don’t get paid, so it’s obvious Kris Jenner has worked tirelessly to ensure her daughters are seen the world over as prostitutes. I honestly believe if Kendall Jenner was raped by a homeless man and a snapped off broom handle, Kris Jenner would visit her in the hospital and discuss the idea of a reshoot because the lighting in the alley was bad.

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Kim Kardashian Is Engaged

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“A carved up face and an ass that looks a dissected seal? Ray J face fucked her then blew in her mouth on camera? Then he pissed on her? That’s it, I have to marry this woman. Let no man stop me.” – Kris Humphries. People reports:

It was a dream come true for Kim Kardashian when she walked into her Beverly Hills home May 18. Her boyfriend of six months, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, was waiting in her bedroom on bended knee with four words written in red rose petals: “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” “I didn’t expect this at all,” Kardashian, 30, tells PEOPLE in an exclusive interview (out Friday) of the romantic, surprise proposal. “I was in such shock. I never thought it would happen at home, and I never thought now.” Humphries popped the question with a custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond sparkler. “I just knew I wanted it to be big,” says Humphries, 26, who, with the help of Kardashian’s mom Kris Jenner, planned an intimate family celebration later that evening.

I can’t believe this wasn’t done in front of a camera, but a 20.5-carat ring? Are we serious right now? Is her vagina gonna make him average more than 10 points a game? When he pulls out does he gain the power of sight beyond sight? Can he fly afterward? Can he accurately predict the stock market? No? Ok, then we’re still on the same page that no vagina would ever be worth a 20.5-carat engagement ring.

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