I thought Cosmo had women on the cover usually, but Khloe Kardashian in on the February 2015 cover, and inside she talks about how she likes to cuddle rather than have sex. I realize she’s saying what she thinks a human woman would say, because much like any sentient, escaped government experiment, she must blend in and survive. I get that. I’m not posting the cover, because they put Khloe’s head on somebody else, so I thought I’d post actual pictures of her instead. Pictures where she still believes she’s sexy and undetectable to actual humans. I feel like I should point out that, despite the myth, Khloe does not carry water in her ass. The ass is a mound of fat, and can weigh up to 80 to 85 pounds. The hump allows Khloe to survive an extremely long time (up to two weeks) without food if need be.
Yeah so, I guess I should have posted these yesterday, but I put up a bunch of hot chicks (I’m looking at you too, Taylor Swift), so I didn’t want to ruin it with pictures of the Kardashian sister who takes the most estrogen injections. So I’m putting them up today. Basically, Khloe Kardashian and some other people who like Ciroc Pineapple celebrated French Montana’s birthday, but when it’s your birthday you get all the attention, and that make Kong angry because Kong like attention too so Kong wore this dress with no bra so you could see her nipples and one of her legs, too. So, yeah, here’s a bunch of pics where you can see Khloe Kardashian’s nipples. I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Khloe Kardashian is still walking around trying to convince people she is a human female, so when giant mutant creatures try to blend in, they wear human female clothes that are popular in the territory where they hunt and attempt to camouflage themselves to draw attention away from their faces and mutant height. Like having a comically large ass. If you put Khloe on her stomach you could rent her our for children’s birthday parties.
When you’re 7’3″ and weigh 450 pounds, it might not be the best idea to get cornrows. Or it might great if Khloe Kardashian wants to start a film career. Doesn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger live in California? They should meet up. He’s probably too old to be in Predator 3, though. Maybe executive produce?
You’d think if anyone would mourn the loss of a black man (especially now that he’s famous and a popular SEO search term), it would be the Kardashians/Jenners, but what will be a shock to nobody, their undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder and complete disconnect from any reality that doesn’t involve them or their self-absorbed family of rented vaginas, texted and talked during Common’s poignant plea for a moment of silence for murdered, unarmed teen Mike Brown and all the shit that’s going on in Ferguson. Or maybe they already knew the parenthetical part of that run on sentence and found a way to insert themselves into the SEO and get more white fans at the same time. Well, hos. Well played.
I guess I have to post about another Kardashian sister today, because after Khloe ate a girl 10 sizes smaller than her, she took her dress then went shopping in South Hampton. I can't tell if this is an ass or a modification made by the scientists who created her to allow her to survive for an extended period of time in the scarcity of the dessert much like a camel. Damn gurrlll I like your humps. Tell me more about the mass of stored fat in a layer right beneath your skin that allows you to conserve water thereby effectively regulating your body temperature. So hot.
So, Khloe Kardashian just joined Vine. Here's her first post. I'll just leave this here. Hopefully it will give her the attention she so desperately craves. Just keep in mind, every time you watch it, a shelter puppy is thrown off a bridge. Hey, I'm just letting you know. Whatever you do with this information is up to you.
Khloe Kardashian posted this pic on Twitter yesterday with the caption, "Love my sunkissed tan!". She may have to post another pic, because she obviously forgot to thank Botox and Collagen and her Y chromosome. Christ. I've seen more natural looking faces at a funeral. She should really start drinking more Dos Equis. Get it? Because "Dos Equis" means "Two X's" in Spanish? And XX is…oh nevermind! I don't even know why I try with you people.
No matter what romantic comedies tell you, when you date someone for ten days then decide to get married, there's a few details that might get missed. For example, your boyfriend is a crackhead with daddy issues who pouts and quits when he gets traded. Or, your girlfriend was captured from Skull Island and taken to America where she endured years of laser hair removal and estrogen shots. So it's with a sad and heavy heart that I let you guys know that Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are getting divorced just like everyone with common sense predicted. People reports:
Four years after their televised whirlwind marriage, reality, sadly, has hit home. Khloé Kardashian has filed for divorce from Lamar Odom in Los Angeles Superior Court, PEOPLE has confirmed. The news comes after months of speculation that Lamar's substance-abuse issues – which led to a DUI arrest in August and a stint in rehab shortly after – have put an irrevocable strain on the couple's marriage. Reports that the couple had been living apart surfaced in September after Khloé 29, and Lamar, 34, who married in a lavish 2009 ceremony, had not been publicly seen together in weeks. Following Lamar's rehab stint, the couple were spotted attending a Kanye West concert together in Los Angeles in late October, where the pair sat next to each other in the VIP section and were joined by other members of the Kardashian-Jenner family. Still, the sighting didn't quell speculation that the two were struggling to keep their marriage together. In mid-November, an insider confirmed to PEOPLE that the two were in couples therapy – but sources close to Khloé said the reality star seemed long resigned that her marriage may soon be over. "It doesn't seem like a reconciliation is any closer to happening," a source revealed. "It's like the situation is just too far gone at this point for a split to be anything but unavoidable."
It really shouldn't be lost on anyone that the Kardashian sister with the longest, sustained relationship is the one who isn't married. She also seems to be the least batshit. But let's not worry about Khloe Kardashian, because at it turns out, there are a lot of black, pro athletes who play for Los Angeles teams. Like, Rihanna's ex, Matt Kemp. The two of them were spotted leaving a gym recently where I assume they bonded over their love for human growth hormones.
The extent to which I keep up with the Kardashians is relegated to Feedly, so I'm sorry if this isn't news to you. It's news to me and that's really all that matters here. Hahaha, I kid, I kid. So anyway Lamar Odom cheated and Khloe Kardashian for a year with bunch of different women who actually look like women and blah blah blah blah words words words one of the women, Jennifer Richardson, is cashing in with Star Magazine. Radar Online reports on the tale as old as time.
Jennifer Richardson — who claims she held a yearlong affair with Lamar — opened up to Star magazine about her relationship with the NBA pro, and even offered up an apology to Khloe because she says she can sympathize with her. “I’m sorry,” Jennifer, 29, said. “Lamar led me to believe his marriage was just a business arrangement.” Even worse, Jennifer claims she’s not the only woman that Lamar has cheated on Khloe with, and she wants her to know it. “I can tell Khloe that I’m not the only woman; there have been many. I just happened to be around the longest,” Jennifer told the magazine. “My advice for Khloe would be to get a divorce. If she thinks he’s going to change, she’s mistaken.”
Pretty straightforward. Lamar Odom realized his married to Bigfoot who has assimilated into our society by learning speech and using Nair, so he's using his celebrity to bang every hot piece he can while he still can even though he looks like the lead characted in Tyler Perry Presents Powder (look it up). But since KONG FIND MATE SHE WANT BABY STILL.
The cheating allegations, “of course bother Khloe tremendously. She has trust issues with Lamar and was absolutely livid when he went to a strip joint earlier this year. However, Khloe still wants to have a baby with him. She feels that once they have a baby together, it will just bring them closer,” a source told Radar. “The fertility issues have definitely taken a toll on the couple’s sex life because Khloe is really strict about having sex when she is ovulating. It’s become clinical, and the romance is on the back burner because Khloe is having a very hard time getting pregnant.”
Yes, brilliant plan. If you're having trust issue and marital problems and the sex has become perfunctory and loveless, the first thing you should do is have a baby. Because that will change everything. Babies give you a lot of time to spend freely as a couple and to have lots of hot sex anywhere and anytime you want it. As soon as the baby comes, it just sits in the corner until you have to feed it so you can have time to grow as a couple and get the spark back. Studies have shown that smart newborns can order takeout and change their own diapers because of their highly developed motor skills, so you really don't have to do anything except spend every waking moment with your significant other and having loads of sex. And if you want to take a trip or go out, just spread some newspaper on the floor and leave the TV on Animal Planet or Mad Men or something like that because newborns, while smart and fully capableof taking care of themselves, need their brains stimulated. Also, be sure to preheat the oven so they can warm up the steak (babies loooooove steak) you put out for their dinner. And they'll need a really sharp knife, because babies are small and don't have that much upper body strength oh my god this chick is stupid.