Kendall Jenner Is Getting Breast Implants For Justin Bieber

So, yeah. Kendall Jenner wants to get breast implants to impress Justin Bieber. Even though I only like one noun in that last sentence, I’ll allow it.

“There is no doubt among any of Kendall’s friends that this is all about impressing Justin,” a source exclusively revealed to OK Magazine.com. “He’s so superficial when it comes to women’s bodies and Kendall’s worried she’s not busty enough for his tastes.” She says she’s only considering going “up a couple of breast sizes” and insists “she’ll keep it classy.” “She knows Justin loves big butts too, but for now she’s focused on one thing at a time and she’s starting with her boobs.”

Fake tits and a flat ass are a little 80s, but if Kendall Jenner wants to get a bigger rack because she thinks that’ll keep a dude interested, then who are we to judge? Because, well, she’ll have bigger tits. And bigger tits on Kendall Jenner is something I think we can all agree on despite the fact that some of you probably think Dunkin Donuts is better than Krispy Kreme. What happened to you as a child for you to feel this way? What choices did you make for your life to end up like this? Let’s talk about it. My door is always open for you.

 

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Kendall Jenner Did GQ

Kim Kardashian died on the Vivid Entertainment cross then rose three days later and ascended to the E! production offices for her sisters’ sins, so they wouldn’t have to porn. That means Kendall Jenner can take that sacrifice and be a “model”now. Even though she can’t wait to get naked, GQ is art or something so it’s not really porn, and she can be hypersexualized without having to take a load in the mouth by the brother of a kinda famous singer who killed a dude in a car accident. Do you have a moment to talk about the good news of our lord and savior Kris Jenner? Here’s a pamphlet.

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Kendall Jenner Gets Her Own Coachella Post

I really don’t consider Kendall Jenner a Kardashian since she weighs under 200 pounds and is actually attractive, so I don’t feel bad giving Kendall her own Coachella post. Mostly because she’s really hot and I’d like to have sex with her. To be honest, that’s how I make 90% of my decisions. The other 10% is based on if a restaurant charges for guac.

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Kendall Jenner Doesn’t Care About Jesus
Kendall Jenner Doesn’t Care About Jesus

I’m trying to limit myself to 0 to 1 Kardashian/Jenner posts a day now, so I’m not going to post the Kylie Jenner “blackface” post, because 1.) that wasn’t blackface and 2.) Kylie Jenner’s blackface pictures didn’t include Kendall Jenner’s naked ass. I realize we’re all supposed to believe that Jesus died for our sins, but how can the Kris Jenner make Easter about her bank account? Churches aren’t gonna like the competition.

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Kendall Jenner Got Her Butt Implants
Kendall Jenner Got Her Butt Implants

A day after her sister Kylie showed off her new butt implants, Kendall Jenner went on Instagram yesterday to show off hers. Like March Madness, things that come out of Kris Jenner’s vagina getting butt implants is a tradition unlike any other. I mean, except Rob. Rob doesn’t get anything, because his ROI is Rob wasn’t born with any parts that could be sexually exploited for money and a high Klout score, so he’s left to fend for himself like some racoon who found a giant dumpster that’s filled with biscuits and syrup and eats there like seven times a day.

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Us Weekly Apologized To Kendall Jenner

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Us Weekly published a bullshi–ok, I’ll stop.

On Wednesday, March 18, Us Weekly published on UsMagazine.com an interview with model and reality star Kendall Jenner entitled “Kendall Jenner Breaks Silence on Bruce Jenner’s Transition: ‘I Will Always Love My Dad.'” The interview was allegedly conducted by an independent freelance journalist at the Saturday, March 14, taping of Comedy Central’s roast of Justin Bieber in Los Angeles. When Ms. Jenner denied, via Twitter, that the interview took place, Us Weekly immediately reached out to the freelance reporter. He stood by the interview, and continues to maintain that the quotes are accurate. However, after attempting to reconfirm his account, editors of Us have concerns about the veracity of this interview and the circumstances under which it was obtained. We would like to retract the story entirely and have removed it from our website. We sincerely apologize to Ms. Jenner and her family.

I hope Us Weekly told the freelance journalist to work on his titles or go do titles for Lifetime, but I think what happened here is that Us Weekly forgot that part in their contract that stipulates that the only stories they can publish can only be “leaked” to them by Kris Jenner. Unsure why they missed it, unless that’s the one thing they haven’t posted on Instagram yet.

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Kendall Jenner Is Modeling Bikinis Now

Obviously, Kendall Jenner workout routine is “being 19″, so I can’t wait to see them dim lighting she uses for shoots when she’s 26, but at least she’s not showing nipples this time. Can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing. You know what’s a good thing though? Vaccines and breakfast burritos. Just doing my best to keep you guys informed.

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Nipples In Paris

I realize Kendall Jenner is trying to desperately trying to distance herself from her own name and trying to be a model and whatnot, but once the gimmick wears off, she’s American Apparel at best. It’s usually tech startup CEO’s who outkick their coverage, but Kendall truly believes she’s some sort of fashion icon, and I guess it’s okay to show your tits if it’s on a runway in Paris. So, yeah, here’s her nipples. Not shown: Kris Jenner masturbating to the wire transfer that just hit. Kendall is about two years away from doing this in Saudi Arabia.

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Kendall Jenner Is Getting Spanked By Santa

Kim Kardashian Jesus took a load in the mouth for her brothers and sisters, and in exchange, Kendall Jenner gets to tell people she’s a model, because magazines and media outlets use her built in audience to get more pageviews and links, until she is no longer of use. Porn will come later. So keeping in the tradition of capitalism Christmas, Love Magazine told Kendall Jenner to put on some lingerie and get spanked by Santa. They also asked her to dance sexy, but I think they just gave up after a few takes.

 Check out her sexy xanax dance after the jump.

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Kendall Jenner Hates Jesus
Kendall Jenner Hates Jesus

Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a man who wasn’t born in December while simultaneously trying not to go into debt over forced consumerism or remembering it’s the highest suicide rate of the year, because you have to buy your whole family expensive shit even though Jesus only got some oil and some cologne and some gold his parents probably pawned because their kid was sleeping on hay and goat shit and maybe to get Mary into therapy because God Billy Cosby’d her while she was sleeping. Any possibly some anger management for Joseph, because he was all like, “bitch, what?”.  Then an angel came down and was like, “bro, chill lol, we didn’t even have to tell you tbh but take care of this kid anyway. btw some people are coming to kill it so I’d probably leave imo”. Then Joseph said, “k”. And then they left. Then nothing happened for 30 years then Jesus did some stuff with a bunch of dudes then he died.  Then 2,000 and something years later Kendall Jenner is bent over in lingerie in a Santa Hat. I’m not seeing the connection.

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