I know. What is a Zayn Mailk?
I was going to post this yesterday, but then I thought to myself, is this something that can wait? But yes, Kendall Jenner and Nick Jonas are dating. See? it says it right there. I’m not making it up.
Kendall Jenner and Nick Jonas are dating, E! News can confirm. “It’s very new,” says a source. And although Kendall, 19, and Nick, 22, have spent plenty of time together thanks to mutual pals Gigi Hadid and Joe Jonas, they’re not getting too serious too quickly. They are, after all, still in the very early stages of this relationship.
I guess “it’s very new” would be a good way to say it, because two months ago Nick Jonas dumped Olivia Culpo then she immediately got naked. I’m not saying that it’s a weird or a coincidence at all that his brother and his brother’s girlfriend are both friends with Kendall Jenner and hang out with her all the time. Nick probably came to this decision on his own. I think what I’m saying is that Nick saw naked pictures of Kendall on his phone before he saw naked pics of Olivia in a magazine. Can’t really blame the dude. I mean, that’s how I usually do it. Yay, this story’s over!
Normally I have to ask why Kendall and Kylie Jenner go to the ESPYS, but last night they went, of course, to support their dad, Caitlyn Jenner, as she accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. OMG, did you know soldiers and fire fighters have courage? Did you know that coming out as transgendered in the face of ridicule and ignorance is also courage? Did you know that these are two separate thoughts you can have and that one doesn’t diminish the other? What a wonderful world we live in! As you can see, Kendall Jenner dressed like she knows fashion designers, and Kylie Jenner dressed like she dates rappers. Kylie looks like a takeout burrito. I only say that because I’d eat both.
Kendall and Kylie Jenner are the only two things that have come out Kris Jenner’s vagina that I can tolerate. I mean, I guess I can tolerate Khloe because she’s brought so much attention to the unneeded suffering of transpecies Americans. Good for her. Or good for it. Still unsure of the proper nomenclature. See? This is the type of thing they have to deal with. My apologies. Oh, but before I forget, Kendall Jenner walked around LA yesterday wearing this shirt. That was pretty cool. So glad we could share this moment together, friends.
Because we live in a capitalist society, Kendall Jenner is the face of Calvin Klein. She became a “model” like last week sometime, because I mean, what else is she gonna do? Even though you can fill a mass grave in a Whole Food’s parking lot with models who would have been a better choice, Calvin Klein was more than happy to coast on the chemtrails of Kendall’s already robust marketing package. Anyway, here she is in some underwear. I added five more pics from her Instagram, because WordPress requires me to use 8 pics for a full gallery. And I like those other pics. It’s a free country.
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I think we’ve talked about Caitlyn Jenner enough to the point that we’ve kinda ignored Kendall Jenner and her Instagram. Specifically, this picture she posted today. I’ve looked at this picture for like ten minutes now, and I just got an email from ESPN informing that I’m a finalist for the Arthur Ashe Premature Ejaculation Award. Fingers crossed.
So, yeah. Kendall Jenner wants to get breast implants to impress Justin Bieber. Even though I only like one noun in that last sentence, I’ll allow it.
“There is no doubt among any of Kendall’s friends that this is all about impressing Justin,” a source exclusively revealed to OK Magazine.com. “He’s so superficial when it comes to women’s bodies and Kendall’s worried she’s not busty enough for his tastes.” She says she’s only considering going “up a couple of breast sizes” and insists “she’ll keep it classy.” “She knows Justin loves big butts too, but for now she’s focused on one thing at a time and she’s starting with her boobs.”
Fake tits and a flat ass are a little 80s, but if Kendall Jenner wants to get a bigger rack because she thinks that’ll keep a dude interested, then who are we to judge? Because, well, she’ll have bigger tits. And bigger tits on Kendall Jenner is something I think we can all agree on despite the fact that some of you probably think Dunkin Donuts is better than Krispy Kreme. What happened to you as a child for you to feel this way? What choices did you make for your life to end up like this? Let’s talk about it. My door is always open for you.
Kim Kardashian died on the Vivid Entertainment cross then rose three days later and ascended to the E! production offices for her sisters’ sins, so they wouldn’t have to porn. That means Kendall Jenner can take that sacrifice and be a “model”now. Even though she can’t wait to get naked, GQ is art or something so it’s not really porn, and she can be hypersexualized without having to take a load in the mouth by the brother of a kinda famous singer who killed a dude in a car accident. Do you have a moment to talk about the good news of our lord and savior Kris Jenner? Here’s a pamphlet.
I really don’t consider Kendall Jenner a Kardashian since she weighs under 200 pounds and is actually attractive, so I don’t feel bad giving Kendall her own Coachella post. Mostly because she’s really hot and I’d like to have sex with her. To be honest, that’s how I make 90% of my decisions. The other 10% is based on if a restaurant charges for guac.