Kim Kardashian died on the Vivid Entertainment cross then rose three days later and ascended to the E! production offices for her sisters’ sins, so they wouldn’t have to porn. That means Kendall Jenner can take that sacrifice and be a “model”now. Even though she can’t wait to get naked, GQ is art or something so it’s not really porn, and she can be hypersexualized without having to take a load in the mouth by the brother of a kinda famous singer who killed a dude in a car accident. Do you have a moment to talk about the good news of our lord and savior Kris Jenner? Here’s a pamphlet.
I really don’t consider Kendall Jenner a Kardashian since she weighs under 200 pounds and is actually attractive, so I don’t feel bad giving Kendall her own Coachella post. Mostly because she’s really hot and I’d like to have sex with her. To be honest, that’s how I make 90% of my decisions. The other 10% is based on if a restaurant charges for guac.
I’m trying to limit myself to 0 to 1 Kardashian/Jenner posts a day now, so I’m not going to post the Kylie Jenner “blackface” post, because 1.) that wasn’t blackface and 2.) Kylie Jenner’s blackface pictures didn’t include Kendall Jenner’s naked ass. I realize we’re all supposed to believe that Jesus died for our sins, but how can the Kris Jenner make Easter about her bank account? Churches aren’t gonna like the competition.
A day after her sister Kylie showed off her new butt implants, Kendall Jenner went on Instagram yesterday to show off hers. Like March Madness, things that come out of Kris Jenner’s vagina getting butt implants is a tradition unlike any other. I mean, except Rob. Rob doesn’t get anything, because his ROI is Rob wasn’t born with any parts that could be sexually exploited for money and a high Klout score, so he’s left to fend for himself like some racoon who found a giant dumpster that’s filled with biscuits and syrup and eats there like seven times a day.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Us Weekly published a bullshi–ok, I’ll stop.
On Wednesday, March 18, Us Weekly published on UsMagazine.com an interview with model and reality star Kendall Jenner entitled “Kendall Jenner Breaks Silence on Bruce Jenner’s Transition: ‘I Will Always Love My Dad.'” The interview was allegedly conducted by an independent freelance journalist at the Saturday, March 14, taping of Comedy Central’s roast of Justin Bieber in Los Angeles. When Ms. Jenner denied, via Twitter, that the interview took place, Us Weekly immediately reached out to the freelance reporter. He stood by the interview, and continues to maintain that the quotes are accurate. However, after attempting to reconfirm his account, editors of Us have concerns about the veracity of this interview and the circumstances under which it was obtained. We would like to retract the story entirely and have removed it from our website. We sincerely apologize to Ms. Jenner and her family.
I hope Us Weekly told the freelance journalist to work on his titles or go do titles for Lifetime, but I think what happened here is that Us Weekly forgot that part in their contract that stipulates that the only stories they can publish can only be “leaked” to them by Kris Jenner. Unsure why they missed it, unless that’s the one thing they haven’t posted on Instagram yet.
Obviously, Kendall Jenner workout routine is “being 19″, so I can’t wait to see them dim lighting she uses for shoots when she’s 26, but at least she’s not showing nipples this time. Can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing. You know what’s a good thing though? Vaccines and breakfast burritos. Just doing my best to keep you guys informed.
I realize Kendall Jenner is trying to desperately trying to distance herself from her own name and trying to be a model and whatnot, but once the gimmick wears off, she’s American Apparel at best. It’s usually tech startup CEO’s who outkick their coverage, but Kendall truly believes she’s some sort of fashion icon, and I guess it’s okay to show your tits if it’s on a runway in Paris. So, yeah, here’s her nipples. Not shown: Kris Jenner masturbating to the wire transfer that just hit. Kendall is about two years away from doing this in Saudi Arabia.
Kim Kardashian Jesus took a load in the mouth for her brothers and sisters, and in exchange, Kendall Jenner gets to tell people she’s a model, because magazines and media outlets use her built in audience to get more pageviews and links, until she is no longer of use. Porn will come later. So keeping in the tradition of capitalism Christmas, Love Magazine told Kendall Jenner to put on some lingerie and get spanked by Santa. They also asked her to dance sexy, but I think they just gave up after a few takes.
Check out her sexy xanax dance after the jump.
Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a man who wasn’t born in December while simultaneously trying not to go into debt over forced consumerism or remembering it’s the highest suicide rate of the year, because you have to buy your whole family expensive shit even though Jesus only got some oil and some cologne and some gold his parents probably pawned because their kid was sleeping on hay and goat shit and maybe to get Mary into therapy because God Billy Cosby’d her while she was sleeping. Any possibly some anger management for Joseph, because he was all like, “bitch, what?”. Then an angel came down and was like, “bro, chill lol, we didn’t even have to tell you tbh but take care of this kid anyway. btw some people are coming to kill it so I’d probably leave imo”. Then Joseph said, “k”. And then they left. Then nothing happened for 30 years then Jesus did some stuff with a bunch of dudes then he died. Then 2,000 and something years later Kendall Jenner is bent over in lingerie in a Santa Hat. I’m not seeing the connection.
Hey remember that time Kendall and Kylie Jenner wrote a dystopian science fiction book called Rebels of Indra in between manicures and stem cell facials? Good times.
According to data from the Nielsen BookScan, obtained by Radar, the Jenner sister’s tome, penned with help from author Maya Sloan, has sold just 13,000 copies since going on sale in June. (Nielsen’s book data accounts for approximately 75% of book sales.)…Even more embarrassing for the Jenners, their attempt at dystopian fiction sits at a measly 9,556 on the Amazon sales chart, and is ranked two of five stars with 136 customers weighing in with reviews. “Garbage from start to finish,” one reader wrote. “Don’t bother wasting your time or money on this piece of trash. The trees that died to make this would have been better off as toilet paper.” Others slammed it as “unoriginal,” “blatantly stupid,” “dumbed down” — in short, “the worst book ever.”
Read that blockquote again. Now realize Snooki and Nicole Richie are New York Times best-selling authors. Fucking Snooki. And Snooki thinks a book is something you do to get an appointment at a tanning salon. They’ll sell more copies if they wrote a suicide note.