Kelly Clarkson Is Pregnant. Just As She Ordered

Twenty days after she ordered husband eleven days to get her pregnant or be made into a chocolate bacon grease pie, Kelly Clarkson is now officially pregnant. I mean, I guess this can be confirmed since she tweeted this:

I'm pregnant!!! Brandon and I are so excited! Best early Christmas present ever 🙂

Brandon is excited? Look at this dude's face. This is a guy who just listens for his name or the dog clicker to know what he's supposed to do next. Who's the good boy?! Brandon. Brandon is the good boy.

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Kelly Clarkson Wants A Christmas Miracle In Her Uterus

 

Kelly Clarkson did and interview with Valentine In The Morning yesterday, which detectives will later say was the motive that drove her husband of 11 days to that murder-suicide.

Kelly Clarkson checked in with Valentine this morning and said her life is great, but she has babies on the brain! Clarkson, who is now Mrs. Blackstock, was married October 20th – and is ready to have kids with her new hubby. She already has names picked out! "I want babies!" Clarkson told Valentine. “Everybody keeps saying, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ And I’m like, ‘I want to be pregnant.’ “…She wants two children in addition to her two step-children. And she wants to be pregnant for Christmas!

No pressure, just get her pregnant by Jesus' birthday so she can break into people's houses and steal all their Christmas food and sleep in their beds. And sit in their chairs. I don't know what kind of self-loathing it would take to get Kelly Clarkson pregnant, but he obviously ignored the biggest red flag. This chick never wears shoes or a pedometer. She really wanted to be in a position where she wouldn't feel bad for saying she was eating for two.

 

[h/t The Superficial]

 

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Kelly Clarkson Is Engaged



And her fiance is…….FIND OUT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK! (haha American Idol BURN) Huffington Post reports:

Her dreams came true. Kelly Clarkson is officially engaged to her boyfriend of a year, Brandon Blackstock, the singer announced on Twitter Dec. 15. “I’M ENGAGED!!!!!” the 30-year-old wrote. “I wanted y’all to know!! Happiest night of my life last night! I am so lucky and am with the greatest man ever.” Clarkson even shared a photo of her gorgeous ring — a yellow canary diamond.

I was under the impression that Kelly Clarkson was a lesbian, so add this to the list to the things that I don’t understand about women. Does anybody know where they’re registered? I’m going to play it safe and get them a gift certificate to Golden Corral.

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Kelly Clarkson Endorses Ron Paul, Sort Of

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Kelly Clarkson came under fire when she voiced her support for Ron Paul. E! Online reports:

To Kelly Clarkson, the Republican presidential field would suck without Ron Paul. But, the pop star explained adamantly after her endorsement of the Texas congressman was met with many boos and hisses from the peanut gallery, that doesn’t mean she endorses the party line. “I am really sorry if I have offended anyone,” Clarkson wrote on whosay, responding to the backlash to her “I love Ron Paul!” Facebook post. “Obviously that was not my intent,” she continued. “I do not support racism. I support gay rights, straight rights, women’s rights, men’s rights, white/black/purple/orange rights. I like Ron Paul because he believes in less government and letting the people (all of us) make the decisions and mold our country. That is all. Out of all of the Republican nominees, he’s my favorite.”

I’m not here to get political, but have you seen or heard any of the Republican nominees this election? Saying Ron Paul is the best Republican candidate is like saying Khloe is the smartest Kardashian. In any case, if I wanted Kelly Clarkson’s opinion on anything, it wouldn’t be who to vote for. It’d be on strawberry frosted versus Boston creme.

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Kelly Clarkson Wonders Why People Think She’s A Lesbian



When I was in high school, I took a lifeguard certification course. Then in the summer of my junior year, I got a job at Fantasy Lake. They gave me a whistle and let me sit in a lifeguard chair. On my first day, I pulled this chick out of the water who was having a seizure. Much to my surprise, people thought I was a lifeguard. This story is kinda like that. Us Magazine reports:
For years, Kelly Clarkson’s sexuality has been called into question. But during an appearance on The View Thursday, the 29-year-old American Idol champ decided to set the record straight once and for all. “I’m from a small town, so everyone’s married with children or about to have children. It’s a little hard when you go home and people are like — and that’s why people think I’m gay — because they’re like, ‘Why aren’t you married?’ And I’m like, ‘It doesn’t happen for everyone right off the bat!'” “I’ve dated some cool guys, but I don’t know if I’ve dated someone where I could spend my whole life with them,” Clarkson added. “The last date I went on was horrible, so I’d like to go on a good date.”

She never really says she’s not a lesbian, so let’s just all assume she is one. Although I am sorry that she’s been on so many horrible dates lately. But in their defense, not many people can name everything that’s in a Grand Slam.

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Kelly Clarkson Is Very Grateful

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In June 2007, Kelly Clarkson released her third album, My December, in which she wrote all the songs. The head of Sony-BMG, Clive Davis, said the album sucked prior to it’s release and told Clarkson that she should scrap the entire album and perform songs written by known hitmakers. Clarkson refused. The album produced two singles, Never Again and Sober. Both singles got poor radio airplay and were pulled from station’s rotations within weeks. You’d think she’d learn by know, right? Um, no not really. Popeater reports:

Kelly Clarkson is mad as hell, and she’s not going to take it anymore … but she will sing about it! The ‘American Idol’ queen has always maintained a cool-and-collected public persona, though with her new tune, she’s making it clear that she’s not exactly happy with her record label and a songwriter(s?). In her new tune, ‘Wash, Rinse, Repeat,’ Clarkson rails against the music industry, and even makes veiled metaphors to a situation last year where she was accused of ripping off a Beyonce song, which she later put the blame on her songwriter for. The song, lyrics and backstory after the jump! In Clarkson’s new tune (which is admittedly pretty roughly produced and probably wasn’t meant to leak), she sings that she “Can’t take the pressure of new / Give me old, flip it off let’s see if it sticks to the wall again … Give it to them, they will never notice, so what’s stopping us? / Does it sound familiar, does it linger in your ear like something you remember from just last year…?”

If she’s worried about artistic integrity, maybe she shouldn’t have entered a glorified karaoke contest. Just sayin. During his 40 year career, Clive Davis discovered and/or signed such artists as Pink Floyd, Aerosmith, Whitney Houston, Janis Joplin, Alicia Keys and Christina Aguilera. During her career, Kelly Clarkson signed Cracker Barrel receipts. Under Clive Davis, CBS doubled its market share in three years. Kelly Clarkson doubled her caloric intake. It’s no wonder these two giants of the music business clashed. They’re just too much alike.

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Hey, Sexy

I don’t know if the people at Tide were laughing hysterically when they asked Kelly Clarkson to participate in an event with the word “loads” in it, but here she is demonstrating what she does when she gets chocolate bacon on her shirt at Tide Loads of Hope. It’s unsure if they paid her for this, but let’s hope they did, because this is pretty much all the endorsements she can get. To reiterate, it’s Kelly Clarkson. The best she can hope for is to get a check for saying, “They plump when you cook ’em!”

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Uncoordinated White People Sing Michael Jackson


GrimaceKelly Clarkson performed a concert in San Jose, CA last night where she sang Michael Jackson’s “Rock Wit You” with her opening act Eric Hutchinson. Besides being able to see Clarkson’s gigantic ass from space, I have no idea who Eric Hutchinson is. Perez Hilton sent his album to the Top Ten on iTunes, so I assume he sings songs about unicorns and tossing salads. “Salads?”, Kelly Clarkson was overheard as saying. “Oh my God, ewwww.”

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