Katy Perry And John Mayer Broke Up Again

Yeah, so Katy Perry and John Mayer have split for the fourth time. You know, like maybe this wasn’t meant to be and stuff.

In what might be the most accurate form of life imitating art, we offer you Katy Perry and John Mayer’s roller coaster relationship. These two have been up and down (or “hot and cold,” if you will) for years now, and E! News has exclusively learned from a source close to the couple that they’ve called it quits again.

Katy Perry has big boobs. That’s pretty much it. Oh and a rumored raging coke problem. Which is probably why she nodded and hit send on this tweet thinking it read like Cormac McCarthy. She and John Mayer (mostly John Mayer) were supposed to write a Taylor Swift diss track in response to Taylor Swift’s Katy Perry diss track, but wow I’m already bored with this so I’m stopping now.

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Bless Ed Sheeran’s Heart

Hey, remember the other day when Nicki Minaj acted like she Sandra Bland because “Anaconda” didn’t get a Video Of The Year nomination at the MTV VMAs then Taylor Swift thought it was about her then got smacked down by think pieces who failed to mention that “Anaconda” sounded like a Fischer-Price My First Song? That was fun. Then, well, the whole Katy Perry response that read like she typed it with her feet. But have no fear, Ed Sheeran is here. A dude who would swim in nuclear waste if it he thought it would give him super powers to break out of the friend zone Taylor has him in so he could sniff her high-waisted floral panties. Instead of nuclear waste, he said some words to Australia’s The Daily Telegraph.

“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”

Wait, did that sound like Ed shrugged and said, “well, they already have a black lady in there so I don’t see the problem”? It did, right? Ok, good. Because he tweeted Buzzfeed this whilst jerking it to “Bad Blood”.

“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.

Taylor, look. Just let Ed lick it one time. That’s all the boy wants. Just let him taste it. You can still post on Tumblr and order custom stationary while he’s down there. Jump on Netflix. He’ll be done before you get to “Created by Dick Wolf”.

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Katy Perry Is The New Boobs For Moschino

Katy Perry is the newest celebrity to get paid to make you buy stuff they don’t wear by pretending to wear it, so congrats to her for being the new face boobs of Moschino. I don’t think Moschino paid all this money just for their clothes to be used as cum rags.

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Katy Perry Wants None Of Taylor Swift

There’s nothing more hilarious than two white chicks who hate each other, because it’s mostly just passive aggressive shade and subtweets, so when Taylor Swift dropped Bad Blood, Katy Perry vowed revenge and through a third party, she dictated her plot for vengeance. Her plot for vengeance, of course, being another diss track. That’s cute. So when Katy Perry registered a track called “1984”, which of course is basically the same as the title of Taylor Swift’s last album, people just knew Perry’s was about to drop a cliche-riddled summer banger that gets heavy rotation because Katy Perry’s label has that in their budget.

Is Katy Perry finally firing back at Taylor Swift? According to her music publisher’s site, BMI, the “Roar” singer has registered a track called “1984” and fans are speculating the jam is her response to Swift’s hit track “Bad Blood” off her fifth studio album 1989. “Katy Perry just registered a song called ‘1984.’ Is she trying to come for Taylor???” one fan tweeted, while another offered: “KATY PERRY HAS RECORDED A SONG CALLED ‘1984’ THE SHADE IS SO REAL OMG.” 

However, when reached for comment, Katy Perry’s managers’ said, “look, we sat this bitch down in several seats. all good now.”

Katy Perry’s managers at Direct Management Group tell Us Weekly that the “Roar” hitmaker has no plans to wage a musical battle with Taylor Swift.

Look, we’ve all heard Taylor Swift’s songs, and we’ve all heard Katy Perry’s songs. If we’re being honest about our feelings for each, Katy Perry would just end up embarrassing herself worse than she does already. Amy Winehouse’s corpse can sing better than Katy Perry, and her lyrical writing style ends when she finds two words that kinda rhyme. Like, if Katy Perry had a double mastectomy, what other purpose would she serve on this planet? I’m hard pressed to think of one.


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John Mayer Is Helping Katy Perry Write A Song About Taylor Swift

Katy Perry and John Mayer were seen together at Disneyland this week, so if Katy’s plan was to take Mayer to the happiest place on Earth then rub her titties in his face, it apparently worked because he’s helping her write her own diss track, a response to Taylor Swift‘s  “Bad Blood”, because Katy Perry is a child. Also, please keep in mind that both Katy Perry and John Mayer are both over 30.

Katy Perry was noticeably absent from the Billboards because, well, Taylor Swift…But apparently K-Pez was all set to go to the awards (she had an eyelash appointment and everything!), but boyfriend (and ex-boyfriend of Taylor Swift) John Mayer persuaded her not to go. “John convinced her it was a bad idea,” Katy’s friend told heat magazine. “Katy realised she couldn’t stand the idea of the cameras being on her face as she had to watch Taylor win every award with all her friends applauding her.” “Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold,” the friend added. “She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’ – she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date. “Katy’s sure that she’ll be back on top before long, and Taylor will regret ever starting this stupid row.”

I’m not sure you can call it a “diss track” if somebody else writes it for you, bit Katy Perry is a Christian, so revenge is kinda what they’re known for besides potlucks and being obsessed with gay sex instead of child molesters. I guess they good thing about Mayer writing this is that it won’t be a three-minute string of cliches that she randomized to kinda rhyme.  Also, again, Katy Perry is 30 years old. Her burn book is still on MySpace.

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Katy Perry’s Rack Went To The MET Gala

The MET Gala is an annual celebrity event where famous people go dressed up in dumb shit to raise money and awareness for people who make costumes or something. It’s like a really pretentious pageant that’s supposed to be influential or whatever. But I’m supposed to be talking about titties here and I think we can all agree that Katy Perry has nice titties. That’s probably like her only redeeming quality other than she hasn’t made a new album in a while. But mostly her titties.

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Katy Perry Gave Out Her Phone Number To 86 Million People

We’ve all heard Katy Perry’s lyrics, so we can’t really accuse her of being smart, so at some point I guess she would blast her phone number to everybody.

Whoops! Katy Perry accidentally gave out her phone number to her 70 million Twitter and 16 million Instagram followers on Wednesday, April 1. The “Wide Awake” singer, who also shocked (or possibly pranked) her fans by cutting her hair into a “Kris Jenner” pixie cut earlier in the day, posted a video of her beloved dog Butters without realizing his dog tag perfectly displayed her phone number. “BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY IF BITCH WANTS SAUSAGES!” she captioned a snap of her pooch, giving Rihanna’s new jam “Bitch Better Have My Money” a shout-out. Soon after she blasted the picture on both Twitter and Instagram, a majority of her fans tried to call the fail to her attention. After receiving likely millions of calls, Perry quickly deleted the video and then deactivated the numbers.

This was pretty dumb, but who are the people calling this number? Riff Raff? What did you expect her to say if she answered the phone? Make plans to go to Coffee Bean? I actually know celebrities and have their phone numbers, but like, who wants to answer when I call? I misspell things when I talk as well.

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Taylor Swift Is Over Katy Perry

I think the only way to end this feud is for Katy Perry and Taylor Swift to smoke a bowl then scissor each other, but I also put mustard in my ramen. My methods have always been controversial. Katy Perry is obsessed with Taylor, but Taylor sat down with an interview for Telegraph and refused to talk about Katy. Until, you know, she did. It’s all very confusing.

I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen..[In five years] I’ll probably still be single, let’s be honest. No one’s going to sign up for this and everything that goes with it. Like, ‘Hi, nice to meet you, want a date? Do you love camera flashes? I hope you do!’ I don’t know what’s going to happen if I’m ever content in a relationship – no idea how that’s going to work. I don’t even know if that’s possible with the life I have. ‘In five years’ time she’ll be so afraid of everything, she doesn’t leave her house. She’s just surrounded by cats. So many cats, they’ve divided themselves up into armies and she wanders around lint-rolling the couch that no one’s going to sit on because she’s afraid to have people over…'”

Besides her legs, Taylor self-deprecating humor (but not really) is kinda hot, but you know she’s melted candles and made a voodoo doll of Harry Styles at least once. Taylor hangs out with chicks all the time for the same reason all chicks hang out with chicks: she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Let her get a boyfriend or any man who shows any kind of interest in her. Her chick friends will only be able to send her FB messages and the cats will eventually starve to death.

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Katy Perry Is Super Mature

Katy Perry really hasn’t made a secret about her seething hatred for Taylor Swift, even promising Diplo to show him her titties every time he publicly made fun of Swift on Twitter because they’re both in junior high. So allegedly, Katy is writing a “diss track” on her next album for Taylor. Ooooohh, a diss track! It’s on now!

Venture Capital Post  (via ONTD) is reporting that Katy Perry is writing a diss track for Taylor Swift that she plans to include on her upcoming album. A source tells Venture Capital Post that Taylor Swift tried to make nice with Katy Perry at the GRAMMYs, but Katy turned the other way and ignored Taylor. The source explains: “Taylor’s tried to reach out to make amends with Katy, but Katy is not going to accept it nor is she interested in having a friendship with Taylor. She wants nothing to do with Taylor. In Katy’s mind, Taylor shouldn’t even attempt to make a friendship happen. That ship has sailed.” It was recently reported that Taylor Swift was collaborating with Kanye West on a remix of “Bad Blood,” but Taylor Swift was quick to deny that rumor in a Tumblr post. Despite Taylor Swift denying claims that she’ll release “Bad Blood” as single, Katy Perry is intent on making sure she release a diss track for Taylor. The source reveals: “Of course she will leave room on her album for a diss track about Taylor Swift. Katy loves controversy and the feud with Taylor is great for that. She is definitely going to write a new song based on how two-faced she thinks Taylor is.”

Oh, man. A diss track. I bet that will show Taylor. A diss track which I assume will be filled with cliches that rhyme over a track her label bought. Can’t wait. Should be some pretty powerful stuff.

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Here’s Some More People At The Grammys

Hey, look! Here’s some people who also attended the Grammys last night. You might know some of these people, or you might now. My only real criteria for choosing these pictures was “titties”. I know 2014 was about the ass and all that, but I’m in Atlanta so I see enough of that.

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