When you're raised in a strict Christian home, all you want to do when you leave is pop your tits out, sing about being a fake lesbian, then marry a heroin and sex addict. And when that doesn't work out, you start dating a Neil Young wannabe who has probably banged most of your friends and your friends' friends. Then after he breaks up with you twice, the only thing you want to do is marry him because obviosuly he's the one. So, congrats to Katy Perry and John Mayer, I guess. E! reports:
Katy Perry and John Mayer's relationship may be the dark horse to watch out for when it comes to the celebrity race to the altar. The artists are "very serious" about each other, a source tells E! News, and we're hearing that those close to the couple wouldn't be surprised if they got engaged in the not-so-distant future. Well, then!
I guess I'll believe it when I see it, but is there any reason why John Mayer is marrying this chick? From what I've read about him, I assumed he enjoys having sex. Marriage isn't really conducive to that.
Katy Perry doesn't realy do much without her rack hanging out, because when she does, you realize she's painfully average and has an eye so lazy it watches Low Winter Sun because it doesn't feel like reaching for the remote. So the schoolgirl outfit isn't really doing it here as she launches her new fragrance, KillerQueen. Cool name. Sounds like a Investigation Discovery show about gay serial killers.
"This bird I rented symbolizes my inner strength and what not. Also, look at my boobs."
In an interview with Jameela Jamil at BBC, Katy Perry basically said her dumb song "Roar" is about John Mayer.
“Roar is a song I wrote as I was a little bit upset. I found myself having a break with my boyfriend, who I loved very much and it really hurt my heart. said to myself, ‘I need to see what is going on with me and make sure I’m all good.’ When you break up with someone it’s easy to say they are crazyand think it’s all them, but, honestly, maybe there is 50 percent responsibility on your behalf. It was just time for me to be honest with myself.”
Man, John Mayer must be feeling the sick burn after he broke Katy Perry's heart then she went online to a Cliche Randomizer and wrote the lyrics to "Roar". Did he even know that she "stood for nothing, so I fell for everything"? Bro, how could you not know that she "went from zero, to my own hero" or that she was "scared to rock the boat and make a mess"? Did you even know that she Googled Muhammad Ali quotes and 80's soundtracks and found "I’m floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee" and "I got the eye of the tiger"? Dude. She was in pain. She was in so much pain that she wanted to be a Nazi scientist and splice the DNA of said tiger with that of a lion? John, do you even listen? You should, the lyrics are pretty stupid.
When you can't sing and your lyrics sound like the winner of a 5th poetry contest, you have to make elaborate videos that are supposed to be about female empowerment, but are reall just another excuse to show your rack. So here's Katy Perry and her boobs in "Roar". She doen't manage to wait 2 minutes before showing them, because the video has a unique storyline, you guys! Like hunting bananas with a spear and proper dental hygiene for alligators. There also appears to be a Sephora in the jungle. I wasn't aware of that.
"Yeah, bro. I got this sweet bandana from the Steve Ray Vaughn Collection at Kohl's. My Neil Young hat is so last year."
I guess one of the drawbacks of banging Katy Perry then dumping her then talking her in to banging her again so you can dump her again the net week, is that sometimes you have to make promises like "guuurl, you can be on my next album. Now show me them titties." So here's John Mayer and Katy Perry doing "Who You Love" on his new album, Paradise Valley: I'm Doing Country Now. And just so you don't forget the name of the song, they say it 5,898 times in four minutes. Quality songwriting, bro.
Proving that you really only need huge boobs and an expertly crafted image to become and maintain a famous person, Katy Perry is still somehow allowed to release albums even though her "music" sounds like something a 14-year old girl would put out on YouTube. Her lyrics are just random shit that rhymes and her voice wouldn't even make it inside the building at an American Idol audition. But again, because of boobs, she's releasing a new album and the first track "Roar" has already leaked. In the song, she wants you to know that she's a lion and won't take it anymore, but with way more rudimentary lyrics and beats by Fisher-Price My First Studio. Just to fully drive the point home how bad this song is, the chorus includes the words "I have the eye of the tiger" then she says roar like Tony the Tiger was a consultant on the track.
Katy Perry just got her first Vogue cover and in addtion to getting her picture taken, she said some words. Here are a few of those words.
“He’s a very smart man, a magical man and I was in love with him when I married him. “Let's just say I haven't heard from him since he texted me saying he was divorcing me December 31, 2011."
So, how insufferable and annoying do you have to be for your husband to send you a text saying "we're getting divorced lol" then never make contact with you again? I don't know the scientific measurement for that, but I assume it's pretty high.
Like most things with a penis, I've been so focused on Katy Perry's boobs that I didn't realize she has a little ass on her. No wonder John Mayer can't quit this. God, what else have I missed? Wait, she has blue eyes?? Black hair?? Wait….hold up….she's white?! I should really start paying attention more.
So, John Mayer and Katy Perry are back together again. For the third time. Must be true love hahaha jk. The Sun reports:
The stars – who split for the second time in March – are said to be casually dating again. A source revealed: “They are just hanging out. They are not putting a label on it.” The couple were spotted out on an intimate date at the weekend and have spent several recent nights together, according to US reports.
For those of you who need this translated, all this means is that Katy Perry finally understands what she is in this relationship and she has finally accepted John Mayer's profession of love. With that profession being, "Look, I like seeing your boobs on occassion and also like seeing other chicks' boobs on occassion, so let's just hang out and let me see you naked then I'll leave and then I'll text you when I want to see you naked again. I'll string you along just enough that will make you believe that a relationship with me is possible, so you'll be more apt to let me see your boobs because you think THIS time will be the time I finally figure out I can't live without you and I'll fall in love with you. But as I mentioned before, boobs." I hope this clears all this up.
Usually we can count on Katy Perry to have her rack hanging out if she showed up at a children's burn ward, but since she was going to place full of politicians and bloggers who really wanted to see her tits, she wore this dress. Is she on some kind of terrorist watch list now? To be honest, I don't think she loves this country. Why is she dresseed like this? Is she Muslim? What's really going on here?