Katy Perry Is Your Super Bowl Halftime Person Maybe
Katy Perry Is Your Super Bowl Halftime Person Maybe

 

The Super Bowl is usually the most boring game of the NFL season, so who better to ensure it stays boring than Katy Perry? She’s an auto-tuned pair of tits who rhymes “Mariah Carey” with “Japanese-y”. Fun for the whole family.

There are unconfirmed reports claiming Perry is set to star in the Super Bowl XLIX halftime show next February, beating out Coldplay and Rihanna for the gig. While it remains to be seen whether the pop star will take over sports’ biggest stage, there is no question that Katy Perry is perfect for the Super Bowl.

Roger Goodell has made it clear that anybody on the field can punch Katy Perry at least once without a lifetime ban, so hopefully they’ll use the opportunity to take one for the humanity team. I mean, they’re already at the Super Bowl, and teams usually don’t make it back the next year, so go ahead and serve that suspension when you know you won’t make the playoffs anyway. This, of course, doesn’t apply to Dallas Cowboys’ players, because it’s pretty hard to punch someone through your television. I mean, you could, but it would take a better understanding of physics and time travel. It’s pretty complicated stuff.

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Katy Perry Chugs A Beer, Dives Off A Table
Katy Perry Chugs A Beer, Dives Off A Table

 

Katy Perry abandoned Christ for fortune and fame, and she kinda has a weird eye, but Satan has turned into some kind of football oracle, because she went on ESPN’s College Gameday on Saturday and predicted Ole Miss would upset #2 Alabama. And they did. The only thing I really know about Ole Miss is that it’s where people who own Taco Bells send their adopted black kids, so this should make a better recruiting video.

 

 

 

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Katy Perry Has Red Hair Now
Katy Perry Has Red Hair Now

 

Haven’t kept up, but I think Katy Perry might have just went through another breakup, because she just dyed her hair red and is comparing herself to a muppet. Man, it’s really hard to figure out why dudes always leave her. She seems really down to earth and perfectly mentally stable.

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Katy Perry Is A Great Interview
Katy Perry Is A Great Interview

 

“I’ve always been very attracted to gentlemen who have quite large vocabularies. One of my favorite apps is the Dictionary.com app,” – Katy Perry, Harper’s Bazaar, October 2014 issue.

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Taylor Swift’s Song “Bad Blood” Is About Katy Perry
Taylor Swift’s Song “Bad Blood” Is About Katy Perry

 

Taylor Swift‘s interview in this month’s issue of Rolling Stone pretty much confirms everything you need to know about Taylor Swift. She’s legit crazy. Not normal girl crazy, like for real.  But if she was ever sent to death row for killing a boyfriend, the Governor would commute her sentence, because she’s mentally slow and more than likely has the brain development of a 8-year old. Anyway, since she hasn’t dated anyone since Harry Styles, she can’t really fill any more of her platinum selling burn books with shit about dudes anymore, she wrote a song about Katy Perry. Oohh, drama!

According to the magazine, Swift has this to say about the unidentified female celebrity: “For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life? [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy!” Swift further explained: “It had to do with business. … She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

So how do we know this about Katy Perry? Because Katy Perry’s Google alerts informed her then she tweeted this. So who really wins here? Nobody. The answer is nobody. This is a fight between an asexual sociopath and a record label created abomination who has a song on the radio right now that rhymes “Japanese-y” with “Mariah Carey”.  Let’s put Katy Perry’s top half on Taylor Swift’s bottom half so we can all win. Also, while they’re both under, fix Katy’s weird left eye.

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Katy Perry Took Way Too Long

Hey, sorry my post about Katy Perry and her huge rack at the 2014 MTV VMAs is so late. She was in a bunch of pics with Riff Raff where he was apparently dying of unquenchable thirst and I’ve already spent a lot of time last week bringing awareness to ALS that I didn’t want to tackle the global issue of proper hydration. Anyway, here’s her bangs and boobs. Feel free to do whatever with this information.

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Katy Perry Did The Ice Bucket Challenge In A Bikini And In Slo-Mo

 

Not entirely sure what this has to do with ALS research, but Katy Perry did the ice bucket challenge on a pirate ship in a bikini. And in slow motion, because why not make a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord sexy? There’s simply no reason why you shouldn’t.

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Katy Perry Is Mad “Roar” Wasn’t Nominated For A VMA
Katy Perry Is Mad “Roar” Wasn’t Nominated For A VMA

 

Because a MTV VMA is the true barometer of an artist’s success (haha “artist”), Katy Perry is understandably upset that the video for “Roar” wasn’t nominated for a VMA this year. I mean, it’s her in a jungle showing off her tits and swinging on vines and things like that. It’s pretty groundbreaking stuff. She even wrote the lyrics by going online and hitting refresh on a cliche randomizer, so it should be obvious to anyone that she put a lot of effort into this album. Just check the track listing. “Walking on Air”, “It Takes Two”, “By The Grace of God”, “Choose Your Battles”, “Dark Horse”, etc. Like David Bowie, Jackson Pollock, and other geniuses before her, she’s going through her cliche period, and one day MTV will look back and regret the day they snubbed such a landmark album. Until then, she’s getting pissy and passive aggressive on Twitter by telling the world she gets a bunch of views on YouTube. So did the dramatic chipmunk. So maybe shut up and take off your top? That would be ideal. Cool, thanks.

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Nope
Nope

 

Katy Perry bleached her eyebrows then got a new hairstyle that's generally reserved for chicks who want to get sexed into the Latin Kings. She also got her nails done in Koreatown. Would I still have sex with her? Yes, yes I would. My penis stresses diversity and doesn't subscribe to your racism as long as you're brunette and have blue eyes and a nice ass. We can buy the boobs later after I clear some things from my credit report.

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Robert Pattinson Really Wants To Bang Katy Perry

Hey, here comes another "Robert Pattinson is trying to date Katy Perry" story.

Robert Pattinson and Katy Perry were looking cozy at an LA after-party for his movie “The Rover.” We’re told Perry sneaked into a Loft & Bear vodka-sponsored bash at Whiskey Blue at the W through the kitchen just before midnight and headed for a patio. “Later on, Robert joined her,” said a spy. Another witness said, “They were heavily flirting. At one point, Robert sauntered to the bar with a pal and was heard saying, ‘She’s so [bleeping] hot,’ nodding in Katy’s direction.”

Say what you want about Robert Pattinson playing a vampire who liked glitter and Kristen Stewart, but his great grankids will still be spending that Twilight money. Not that Katy Perry needs his money, but she should consult with her financial advisor to see if dating Robert Pattinson could alleviate a few expenses. She could probably get him to pay her phone bill and give her his Netflix login.

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