Katy Perry And Russell Brand Are Getting A Divorce

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Man, I don’t think anybody saw this coming. Hahaha, I’m totally kidding. We all did. MSNBC reports:

Rumors have been swirling for some time, but now it’s official. Comedian and actor Russell Brand and singer Katy Perry have filed for divorce. Brand cites “irreconcilable differences” in the petition, filed in Los Angeles. The 36-year-old British comedian told AP on Friday: “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.” The couple wed Oct. 23, 2010, in a traditional Hindu ceremony near the tiger sanctuary in India where Brand had proposed.

If this site has taught you anything, it’s that I like skinny brunettes with big tits. But one more thing its taught you is that as soon as a celebrity couple comes out in interviews and talk shows and say they love each other very much and that their marriage is perfectly fine, that means they’ve already been talking to lawyers for at least two months. I hope nobody is shocked by this news. If you are, I’m sure Russell Brand would call you to talk you down and tell you everything will be okay, but he might be busy jerking off in a high school girl’s mouth at the moment.

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Katy Perry And Russell Brand Are On The Rocks

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Katy Perry and Russell Brand have a lot of fun telling talk show hosts how great their relationship is. Right. Us Weekly reports:

Days after his wife Katy Perry was spotted in Hawaii sans wedding ring, Russell Brand followed suit and stepped out in London on Thursday not wearing his diamond encrusted wedding band. The British comedian and the chart-topping singer spent Christmas on opposite sides of the globe due to a “massive fight.” While Perry, 27, hit up the beaches in Hawaii on December 25, Brand, 36, spent the holiday in Cornwall, England. An insider tells Us Weekly, “She was like, ‘F–k you. I’m going to do my own thing.’ Russell replied, ‘Fine, f–k you too.'” Though the pair denied divorce rumors in November, sources say trouble is brewing. “They haven’t split up just yet, but things are not good,” says the first source. “The fighting is getting worse.” At issue? Among other things, explains another source: “Katy doesn’t think Russell respects her parents’ Christian beliefs or her friends.”

Katy Perry’s most notable friends are Rihanna (who took back Chris Brown after he beat the shit out of her because he bought her an iPod) and Perez Hilton (no explanation needed). In addition, it’s difficult to take Katy Perry’s parents seriously when their “Christian” beliefs include, in Perry’s own words, calling deviled eggs “angeled eggs” and avoiding Lucky Charms because they’re too pagan. Katy Perry does have a right to get pissed at her husband for not respecting her parents’ religion when she pumps out overproduced songs about liquor-induced lesbianism and black out drinking, though. It’s cool with them because Jesus turned water into wine. And, you know, because having a Christian rock singer named Katy Hudson for a daughter didn’t buy them any real estate.

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Katy Perry Doesn’t Know Who Her Friends Are

It’s a safe bet that whoever did Katy Perry‘s hair and makeup for the MTV Europe Music Awards was seeking vengeance for something (a cat that she skinned, recorded, and lip synced over, perhaps?), because she looks exactly the way her music sounds.

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Katy Perry Is Ironic

Vocal powerhouse Katy Perry performed an off-pitch cover of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” at a concert in Australia this weekend in an attempt to be ironic. LOL! The ironic part is that Rebecca Black was 13 when she released “Friday,” and Katy Perry had a team to help her write lyrics like “You’re hot and you’re cold / you’re yes then you’re no / you’re in, then you’re out / you’re up then you’re down” and “You’re so gay” when she was 24. The only differences between them are age, puberty, and an eyebrow wax.

Images via Wenn.

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Even Katy Perry’s Stalkers Suck

Katy Perry‘s stalkers are just as talented as she is.TMZ says:

Katy Perry is used to having men stare at her — but when a guy camped outside her home for two hours and just stood there, staring at the house … her security team called the coppers.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Perry’s security team spotted the guy lurking outside her Los Feliz home Wednesday night. We’re told the guy was there for about two hours when the team finally said enough is enough … and called the LAPD.

According to law enforcement sources, officers showed up on scene and gave the guy a talking to … then sent him on his way.

As for Katy — she wasn’t even home.

The fact that Katy Perry’s stalker showed up when she was on a different continent and didn’t even bring rope or GHB shows what kind of people actually admire this hack. And considering she’s an admitted attention whore, she’s probably bummed that she missed this. She was busy performing at Hammersmith in an understated showcase of her vocal and songwriting ability. Or, you know, whatever means the exact opposite of that.

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Katy Perry Doesn’t Want Airplay

Katy Perry can’t sing, dance, or write, so this may not be wise. Page Six says:

Dr. Luke produced Perry’s biggest hits, including “Hot n Cold,” “California Gurls” and “Teenage Dream.” But sources say they likely won’t be working together on her next album. “He’s stopped the hype with her,” an associate of Dr. Luke told us. “She got tired of his records, the same familiar sound, but mostly his attitude. Katy’s a star now, and she’s not going to be told what to do.”

Dr. Luke notably stopped tweeting about Perry in December — although he started again after we called on Friday — and hasn’t mentioned her in recent interviews, where he instead talked about Ke$ha and Spears.

An industry source said, “It’s a red flag if a producer goes completely silent before the Grammys.” Another associate of Dr. Luke told us he may be a musical genius, but his abrasive style can be hard to swallow: “He checks all of his artists. He just curses them out. He thinks he owns them because he made them.”

But some say Dr. Luke isn’t the only one to blame. “It’s a battle of the egos,” one source said. “A lot of people think that without Dr. Luke, Katy’s going to have a big problem. She’s not much of a songwriter or vocalist, and she’s gonna have to start from scratch. You can’t just bring in any producer to make magic. The label is really pushing her to work on another album while she’s hot.”

Katy Perry thinks scrapping Dr. Luke is a good idea. Considering he’s one of the three reasons she’s famous (I’ll give you one guess as to the other two), she should probably rethink her stance on this if she wants to stay relevant.

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Russell Brand Is Fearless

Cosmopolitan, your girlfriend’s guide to bronzer and blowjobs, named Russell Brand its “Fun, Fearless Male” of the year. From Music Rooms:

Asked what was the most fearless move he has ever made, the Get Him to the Greek star gushed that marrying Katy Perry topped everything.

“I have to say getting married,” Brand said. “It’s pretty wild that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with Katy.”

Cosmo picked a good one. It takes a brave soul to battle addictions. And to wake up to this everyday. Sweet Jesus. His wife looks like he found her at the bottom of a swamp, not the top of the Billboard 200.

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Katy Perry Makes This Easy

Katy Perry dressed up as something with a heavily painted face that frequently has nuts in its mouth. Then she put on a mustache and changed into a nutcracker.

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