Kate Middleton Is Pregnant Again
Kate Middleton Is Pregnant Again

 

Kate Middleton or Katherine Middleton or The Duchess of Cambridge or whatever we’re supposed to call this woman, got knocked up for the third time by Prince William. Congrats. She’s officially done one thing better than Princess Diana (this sentence will be redacted later if the baby doesn’t make it).

Princess Kate and Prince William are expecting their third child together, Kensington Palace confirmed today. The royals are already parents to 4-year-old Prince George and 2-year-old Princess Charlotte.  “Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their third child,” a statement from Kensington Palace, released Monday morning, said. “The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.”

No news on a potential baby name, but it’ll be some dorky old grandpa or grandma name like Albert or Agnes. You know, something cool. Anyway, Kate better slow down with the kids. Prince George is 4 and already has people who will eventually plan to poison him at some point.

 

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The Royal Cousins Had Another Inbred Kid

Kate and her cusband, William, had another kid. This time it’s a girl who is bald like her dad-cousin.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have introduced their daughter to the world, as they left hospital to take her home to Kensington Palace. The princess, whose name has yet to be announced, slept in her mother’s arms during her first public appearance outside St Mary’s Hospital, in London. The princess – who is fourth in line to the throne – was delivered at 08:34 BST on Saturday after a short labour. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth of the 8lbs 3oz (3.7kg) baby.

Unnamed Female Baby is fourth in line to the throne, which basically means Unnamed Female Baby might as well be four millionth in line to the throne, so who really cares. She’ll grow up, pose for pictures, be super into horses, go to college, be forced to do something for a charity then die never having had a job. Maybe she’ll get addicted to heroin or marry an Asian guy. Who knows. The most important thing to remember here is that nobody gives a shit and we won the Revolutionary War and could nuke Britain any time we wanted because we have a lot of missiles and like blowing shit up since our national anthem has the word “bomb” in it and that’s not a reference to burritos.

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Kate Middleton Is Knocked Up Again
Kate Middleton Is Knocked Up Again

 

“We’ll just dye it’s hair LOL.”

 

I’m not calling this chick “Duchess of Cambridge”, because that sounds like a made up character marketing came up with to put on a box of cookies, so I’m calling her Kate Middleton. Anyway, Kate Middleton is knocked up again, because I assume she has a lot of free time between salon appointments.Hair game too strong.

The Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant with her second child. Kensington Palace said that – as when the duchess was pregnant with Prince George – she was suffering from very acute morning sickness and was being treated by doctors at the palace. Prince William and Catherine’s second baby will become fourth in line to the throne, behind older brother Prince George, who is 13 months old. The palace said the Queen and both families were delighted with the news.

The good news is that they are inbreeding like usual, but the bad news is that somebody else has nothing to really to look forward to unless three other people die.  The other bad news is that this is Kate’s second kid. She should have spaced these things out. She’s really speeding up the time frame of her tragic car accident that won’t be investigated.

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Kate Middleton Is In Labor Right Now
Kate Middleton Is In Labor Right Now

 

"Reducto Vaginus!"
 

Because Americans are in love with pregnant women who don't work and live off the goverment, the excitement for the arrival of the Royal Baby has reached critical mass this morning because Kate Middleton can finally read her name in the same sentence with "labor" for the first time in her life. Besides the fact that the baby she will be the baby's mother and cousin, Kate should probably check her brake lines from now on since she's fulfilled her obligation. Congrats!

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Kate Middleton Is A Huge Fan Of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’
Kate Middleton Is A Huge Fan Of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’

 

So, the future Queen of England enjoys a show about a family of whores obsessed with money and fame. Nice work there, William.

“Ever since Kim started mentioning Kate a lot in public,” a source told The Daily Star,The Princess has started watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians religiously. She thinks the family are hilarious. People forget that Kate is just a normal girl, who married into royalty, and enjoys the same trashy TV shows most people do. She finds it relaxing, and is flattered Kim keeps speaking so highly of her.”

I like how the quote makes it seem like Kate is condescending to watch the show, but she's basically Kim Kardashian with an English accent and access to jewels, so she probably can relate to everything. Like the time Kim's mother-in-law was killed by the Wicked Queen. You guys didn't see that one? That was a pretty good one. I mean, I only watch if somebody has it on. I don't go out of my way or anything like that.

[h/t Celeb Dirty Laundry]

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Kate Middleton’s Financial Security Has A Name



So far, Kate Middleton has been hospitalized three times for morning sickness and her pregnancy is already responsible for a suicide and two people losing their jobs. So it should be obvious to everyone that her unborn child is the Devil. Now this evil has a name. Hollywood Life reports:

Kate and William, who have yet to publicly announce the gender of their baby, have referred to the royal baby as their “little grape.” But with increasing speculation that the royal baby is a girl — Kate hinted she was having a daughter on March 5 at an appearance — an insider has revealed the name they have selected! The name of their little girl will be (drumroll please…) Elizabeth Diana Carole, in honor of William’s grandmother Queen Elizabeth! The middle names will also be in tribute of their parents, William’s late mother Princess Diana, and Kate’s mom Carole. Carole is also the Latin variation of the name Charles, and Elizabeth is Kate’s mom’s middle name!

Man, I totally wasn’t expecting this. Especially since if you’re in England and name your daughter anything other than Elizabeth, Catherine, Victoria, or Emma, the child will be thrown off a mountain.I saw that on the Discovery Channel once.

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Kate Middelton’s Nurse Who Was Prank Called Was Found Dead



Earlier this week, two Australian DJs prank called King Edward VII Hospital pretending to be Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles and got a nurse to tell them private information regarding Kate Middleton’s condition. The nurse’s name was Jacintha Saldanha. She was found dead this morning. AP reports:

King Edward VII hospital says a nurse involved in a prank telephone call to elicit information about the Duchess of Cambridge has died. The hospital said Friday that Jacintha Saldanha had been a victim of the call made by two Australian radio disc jockeys. They did not immediately say what role she played in the call. Saldanha was found dead early Friday. Police say her death is unexplained.

This family of cousin fuckers love control, so I’m not going to say that they had her killed like they had Princess Diana killed, but I’m not going to not say that either. In a more likely scenario, the nurse killed herself, because she’s been brainwashed to believe that Kate Middleton isn’t just Kim Kardashian with a better blowout.

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A Nurse Tells A Queen Impersonator Everything About Kate Middelton



Apparently England doesn’t have HIPPA regulations, because two Australian radio DJs from Sydney’s 2Day FM called King Edward VII Hospital pretending to be Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles. And Kate Middelton‘s nurse told them everything. Gawker (via USA Today)

…..two Australian radio DJs were busy getting first-hand intel straight from the nurse’s mouth. Mel Greig and Michael Christian, hosts of The Summer 30 program on Sydney’s 2Day FM radio station decided to phone up King Edward VII Hospital and ask to speak with the Duchess while pretending to be her in-laws, Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Charles. Much to their surprise, and despite their admittedly terrible accents, the prank worked like a charm, and they were patched through to Kate’s private nurse, who was more than happy to spill every last detail on the mother-to-be’s “tummy bug.” After news broke that King Edward VII had been played for a right fool, the hospital released a statement confirming that a hoax call had been made, and that it deeply regrets the incident. “This was a foolish prank call that we all deplore,” hospital chief executive John Lofthouse said in the statement. “We take patient confidentiality extremely seriously and we are now reviewing our telephone protocols.”

Everybody with an English accent sounds gay or like they work at the Death Star to me, but even I can do a better accent than this. I’m pretty sure whoever this nurse is got fired, but the hospital is gonna feel really dumb when she writes a tell-all book or joins the Rebel Alliance.

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Kate Middleton is Pregnant



After putting off the one thing her job requires her to do for over a year so she could go on lots of vacations, the future Queen of England, Kate Middleton, is finally with child. And everyone is just delighted. The Daily Mail reports:

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are having a baby, it was announced today. Catherine, 30, has been taken to King Edward VII Hospital in London with acute morning sickness is expected to stay in hospital for several days.
In a statement on the couple’s website, the couple said they were ‘delighted with the news’. The Queen, Prince Philip and other members of the royal family are ‘delighted’.
Prime Minister David Cameron said on Twitter: ‘I’m delighted by the news that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting a baby.’

Kate Middleton was supported by her rich parents for eight years so she could be at Prince William’s beck and call until he finally decided to put a ring on it. Once she got him down the aisle she managed to do up to one grueling public engagement a month. Of course such a difficult schedule meant she needed numerous trips abroad each year to relax. Now she is finally knocked up, fulfilling her entire point in the marriage, and immediately ends up in the hospital because she has an upset tummy. Seriously, EVERYTHING is too much work for this girl.

So, you know, congrats to the happy couple or whatever.

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