Kate Gosselin Looks Different

I’m not one to speculate, but either Kate Gosselin had a facelift or she was burned alive recently and scientists replaced her with a clone. I could chop off my own head and replace it with a pumpkin spice latte and still look more recognizable than this bitch.

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The Kentucky Derby Was Unimpressive

The Kentucky Derby is a horse race and an excuse for non-British rich people and D-listers to wear weird hats. Seriously, when Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t show and your most famous names are some guy who upgraded from a fat chick, a confused Bride of Chucky star searching for Colonel Sanders, and a reality divorcee whose vagina probably looks like a blown tire at a monster truck rally, it’s time to give up.

Marisa Miller was also at the Barnstable preparty:

All images via WENN.

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Kate Gosselin Is “Sad And Lonely With No Real Friends”

If you ever watched one single episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, it’s easy to understand why white women are always reported missing only later to find out that their husband was up all night a few weeks before measuring her while she slept. If Kate Gosselin was Nicole Brown, O.J. would have signed a full confession and signed it with hearts and a smiley face, because Kate Gosselin is a vile cunt who hates her kids and if you happen to spend more than an hour with this witch, you want to take a hostage. So, it’s good to see that God may actually exist. Radar Online reports:

Despite having her own reality TV show and eight beautiful kids, America’s most famous mom, Kate Gosselin, has been left ‘sad and lonely’ with no real friends that she can confide in. “The truth is Kate is really sad and lonely with few true friends,” the associate said. When she’s not looking after her kids or filming Kate Plus 8, the perfectionist mom-of-eight is regularly photographed going to the nail spa, popping into the tanning salon or even traveling to New York, where she is known to get her hair done. “Her bodyguard Steve Neild is the closest person to her, but he’s married with two kids of his own. “Steve lives in the basement of her home and he accompanies Kate everywhere, but they strongly deny that there is anything going on between them despite the fact that they have taken trips to Alaska and to Mexico together.” Said the source: “Apart from Steve she does not have many true friends to confide in or just go out and have fun with while she does not have the best relationship with her family either.” Even locals in the neighborhood have become judgmental, the source added. “They don’t think greatly of her and she is not popular at the local stores, post office or car wash, because she cannot win people over and comes across as cold and aloof,” the acquaintance said. “Kate just finds it hard to be friendly towards people and is very domineering - at the moment she is pre-occupied with looking her best and keeping-up appearances.”

I had some other stuff written here, but I erased it all, because if you’re gonna say “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”, it’s best not to keep it too wordy.

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Two Of The Gosselin Kids Got Expelled From School

When you whore out your kids you had through the miracle of science for fame and fortune, you might need ACORN to help you get votes for Mother Of The Year. Huffington Post reports:

Two of the Gosselin sextuplets have been expelled from their Pennsylvania private school, In Touch Weekly reports. Alexis and Collin, age 6, are reportedly being home-schooled after getting kicked out for “rage issues.” “They’ve fought with their peers, called them nasty names and made fun of other kids,” a source told the magazine. Jon Gosselin recently lashed out at Kate for continuing to keep the kids on television, claiming the show has given them behavioral and emotional problems–and the In Touch report suggests their filming schedule has caused trouble at school. “Collin had such bad issues that he refused to get his picture taken at school because he’s tired of being on-camera,” the source said. A source close to the situation didn’t explicitly confirm the expulsion but told the New York Post that Kate’s “number one concern is protecting her children and is keeping this personal situation as a private matter that she works out with her kids.”

I really hope this doesn’t come as a shock to anyone. Kate Gosselin is a cunt and Jon Gosselin is a fat Korean dude in an Ed Hardy shirt. These kids would have had a better chance of turning out normal if they would have been raised with Jaycee Dugard.

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Jon Gosselin Is A Wonderful Human Being

If you need further proof that the eight Gosselin kids would be better off working in a sweatshop, here you go.

Jon Gosselin threatened to report his then-wife Kate to Child Protective Services unless she gave him a large sum of money, RadarOnline.com is reporting exclusively. Jon’s ex girlfriend Hailey Glassman revealed the details to RadarOnline.com exclusively and provided documents to back up her claims. Hailey told RadarOnline.com that Jon often refers to himself in the third person, and the notes reflect that. In one of them he wrote: “Jon giving Kate ultimatums. He privately extorts Kate. If you don’t do what I want, I’ll do this…” He also wrote: “24/48 hours or I’ll go to DA (district attorney)” “He always referred to himself in the third person,” Glassman told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “I found it so strange. It was almost like he thought he was still on camera.” “We were in bed and Jon called Kate on speaker phone,” she told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “He wrote down what he wanted to say to her and then he read from his notes. “He told her, ‘You either give me money, or I’m going to call CPS.'” Hailey continued, “I was in the background asking ‘what is CPS?’ And Jon told me, ‘Child Protective Services.’ “Kate started screaming and Jon just started laughing,” Hailey continued. “He just laughed at her. Later when he got off the phone I asked him, ‘What are you doing? Why are you doing this? This is the mother of your eight children!’ And he told me, ‘Oh, you don’t know what I went through with her, what I had to deal with.'” Many of Jon’s personal notes are damning when it comes to his dealings with Kate. In addition to the excerpts referenced above, another note says, “Need 50k or 100k now. 24/48 hours go to DA.” In another note he wrote: “I’m not your child. I need my money.” Glassman said that Kate fought back during her conversations with Jon. “Kate would just say, ‘You’re sick Jon, you’re sick. How could you do this to me? You need help,” Glassman recalls. “I just remember thinking at the time that if he could do this to the mother of his kids, what would he do to me?” “There were so many times I witnessed it,” Hailey said. “That’s how he works. We would literally be in bed and Jon would call Kate, or Kate would call Jon to talk about custody and he would put her on speaker phone. She didn’t know I was there. “He’d say, ‘I’m going to go public with the way you treat the kids, I’m going to call CPS and the news and tell them everything unless you give me what I want.”

My God. I watched ten minutes of this show once, and I’m not even joking, I kept waiting for Jon Gosselin to blow his brains out or jump out of the shower and throw himself against an electrified fence, because Kate Gosselin is the most vile cunt on Earth. If she lived in Iran, they would have stoned her with rocks from Krypton that were dipped in poison, but still, blackmailing your wife is a bitch move. But in this recession, I really can’t say I blame him. I assume hairplugs and breast reduction surgery isn’t cheap.

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Kate Gosselin Wants To Bang The Fly, Knight Rider

Pretty please, with sugar on top. Somebody shoot this woman. Popeater reports:

Kate Gosselin is ready to start dating again, but this time she is only interested in dating Hollywood celebrities. She already has her eye on one in particular, Mr. Jeff Goldblum. “Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea,” Kate’s pal tells me. “When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she’s not yet ready to date a George Clonney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff.”

Just the simple fact that this idiot has made a list like she’s buying groceries and thinks “she’s not ready to date a George Clooney” is all the proof you need that this evil bitch lives on the corner of Delusion and Bitch What The Fuck. In case you were wondering, George Clooney is currently banging THIS. To reiterate, George Clooney sticks his penis in THIS. Her name is Elisabetta Canalis, and THIS is what she looks like. The only way George Clooney would want to talk to Kate Gosselin is if he somehow managed to get leprosy and paralyzed on the same day and he happened to be in front of her house at the time.

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Stop Child Labor Abuse

It’s a little cliche for kids that look like the Gosselin’s to be victims of child labor abuse, so I thought I’d make a PSA out of the title and banner picture. Since I’m so thoughtful and caring, I urge you to do your part to stop this evil. Just like Kate’s brother, Kevin Kreider and his wife. National Enquirer reports:

The Keystone state’s House Republican Policy Committee is holding hearings today in Horsham, a suburb of Philly, to investigate possible violation of the child labor laws and alleged abuse. While Jon & Kate Plus 8 was in production state labor officials investigated the show for possible abuse and violations of child labor laws. They have yet to release their findings…The Kreiders testified that the Gosselin kids were stripped of their privacy, emotionally manipulated and had most damning — their safety compromised all in the name of reality TV. According to the Kreiders, the children were overwhelmed with rooms overflowing with TV production gear with as many as three crew members present for 2-3 days at a time. Their privacy was so compromised, the Kreiders said, that the kids were taped during potty training with neither Jon nor Kate present for clips that were aired solely on the web. “The children were told it was Christmas Eve and Christmas morning when it wasn’t, so that the camera crew would capture genuine reactions,” Kreider testified. “They were only told the truth after the filming ended. They were told they did it for the show. “The children stated directly to us that they felt very confused and were upset over this event.”

The only question the judge should have at this point is what caliber handgun to shoot these two narcissistic and delusional assholes in the knees with, because it takes a special kind of asshole to use the kids you got from undeserved medical science as a money grab. But I don’t think they’ll be too traumatized about the Christmas thing. The date December 25th was picked to coincide with the pagan winter solstice festival of the Romans, so who they hell knows when Jesus was born. It might be today. I choose to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior J.C. on the day Nickelback finally breaks up.

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Kate Gosselin Is An Awesome Mom, Asked To Be In Playboy

The seething hatred I have for this cunt knows no bounds and is capable of some pretty powerful stuff (I once blew up a car with my mind watching her in an interview), but if you’re still buying the whole “I’m a poor single mom” thing, I hope this helps you pull your head out of your ass.

CNN Entertainment

When asked if there was any possibility that Momzilla would grace the glossy covers of Playboy, Hef said, “No! No!” And the original playboy added insult to injury by suggesting he doesn’t even know why she’s on “Dancing with the Stars.” He explained, “I don’t think she’s a celebrity.”

Maybe you should tell Kate Gosselin, too. People reports:

“I’ve got to work harder now than ever because I am a single mom,” the former Jon & Kate Plus 8 star, 35, said Tuesday on NBC’s Today show. “In my heart I’m always in my kitchen, baking and cooking for my kids, and I’ll always be there. It’s a struggle to be here [in New York], to be anywhere. The emotion that you see is because I would rather be at home with them.” But that’s not always possible, she says. “I have to work. I have to provide for them. And it’s a struggle that every working mom, especially single moms, go through, and I’m really feeling it now, and it’s really hard.”

Whatever, bitch. In your heart you’re in the kitchen, but in reality, the TLC appointed nanny and personal chefs are in the kitchen and taking care of your kids while you sit in a makeup chair and throw a hissy fit if your pumpkin spice latte isn’t made that special way you like. You can’t dance, you can’t have any sort of relationship with another human being, and you can’t even have babies right. If this world had any sort of justice, you’d be throwing Amway parties in the function room at the Holiday Inn.

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Kate Gosselin Is A Nightmare

UPDATE: She went to the producers and tried to get Tony Dovolani fired. You know, the guy who has been on the show for 9 seasons and is “loved by all the staff.”

Kate Gosselin is the most evil and grating bitch on Earth, so of course her trained, professional partner, Tony Dovolani, was second-guessed and berated until he literally threw his mic down and walked out. She then played the victim again, of course, so he came back and they performed. Want to take a guess how she did? Here’s a hint: Dancing comes just as naturally to her as being a mom. New York Daily News reports:

After a lukewarm performance during the premiere of “Dancing with the Stars” last week, the reality star’s ex-wife, Kate Gosselin, returned Monday only to have her partner quit and the judges call her performance a “nightmare.” During the second go-around of “DWTS,” most of the duos improved, while Gosselin only got worse, making it seem increasingly more likely that she will be the first to go home Tuesday. The problems started in dance rehearsals when Tony Dovolani took his mic off and walked out due to a lack of communication. As Dovolani felt undermined by Gosselin, she felt as though he wasn’t taking into consideration how she learned. Alas, Dovolani returned to find Gosselin in tears. She thanked him for coming back, saying, “A lot of people quit on me in life.” And like all “DWTS” arguments, this too ended with a hug. The trainwreck that ensued was too painful to watch. Gosselin’s stiff and robotic movements were not nearly as bad as the frightened, frozen look on her face during her jive. She forgot most of the choreography and frequently spoke to Dovolani mid-dance, presumably to ask what the hell she was doing. Bruno called the performance a “nightmare” and suggested Gosselin to take acting lessons in order to portray a character. Carrie Ann applauded her for making it all the way through the routine without giving up. Len said her nerves are breaking her and told her to “go out fighting.”

Tony Dovolani spent an hour with this bitch and was ready to slit his wrists, so imagine being married to this cunt and having eight kids with her. Jon Gosselin was either gonna cheat or blow her fucking brains out, so he really should be congratulated for cheating. Or if he had killed her. Either or. Oh, please killing her wouldn’t be that bad. Hannibal killed 70,000 Roman soldiers in one day and he’s still on the History Channel. The public can be very forgiving.

Man, check out this way this sexy temptress moves. I bet you’d have a hotter time fucking a pile of laundry:

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You’re Not Gonna Believe This

Kate Gosselin has tricked millions of bitter women everywhere that she is a poor victim of a cheating husband and is now a devoted single mom, but in reality, she’s an emasculating, narcissistic, power hungry cunt, who’s lucky her husband didn’t snap and put her in a shoebox after he chopped her up. Everyone who knows her personally hates her, but she could change all that by getting out of the spotlight and being the mother she so desperately wants people to think she is when she’s signing their book while her kids are with the nanny. But she doesn’t have time for that now. Dancing With The Stars is more important. Luckily for her, she’s making lots of new friends and bringing rays of sunshine to the set everyday. You know, or whatever means the exact opposite of that. New York Post reports:

Kate Gosselin is being a “total diva” on the set of “Dancing With the Stars” — snubbing other contestants and behaving frostily to crew members, sources tell Page Six. The recently divorced mom of eight has been rehearsing for the ABC show, which starts its new season March 22. Her icy behavior also persuaded Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir to pull out of talks about being on the show because he didn’t want to work alongside Gosselin. A “DWTS” source said, “Kate doesn’t want anything to do with other contestants . . . While there’s a lot of camaraderie among the crew and other stars including Pamela Anderson, Kate has set herself apart . . . She wants to be queen bee.”

I’ve never wanted to hit a woman (unless I paid extra for it), but if I ever find a genie in a lamp, I’d pause for a minute to think if I really wanted Kate Gosselin to be a man for five minutes so I could drive the base of my palm into that nose that she likes to stick up in the air to everyone she comes into contact with. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. But at least God would know I wouldn’t sell my kids to a rice farm to compete on a reality show. I would only do that to be selected to the Pro Bowl.

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