Kanye West Doesn’t Care About Australians
Kanye West Doesn’t Care About Australians

 

Because his ego had a scheduling conflict, Kanye West has postposed the Australia leg of his Yeezus tour to work on a new album. Kanye is the only person I know who would willingly decide not to go to Australia. Great white sharks love it there.

Rap genius, self-proclaimed fashionista and the internet's favourite figure of fun, Kanye West, has decided to postpone his tour of Australia next month. Instead he will play in Australia in September, a tour which could have a silver lining for fans. Tour promoter Live Nation said Kanye changed the dates because he was busy finishing his next studio album. Their statement read: "Due to unexpected timing requirements to finish his highly anticipated new studio album, scheduled for a 2014 release, Kanye West regretfully announces the postponement of his upcoming tour dates in Australia." The current tour is to promote his worldwide chart-topping 2013 album Yeezus. Kanye's upcoming seventh studio album, due for release in mid-2014, will be produced by Rick Rubin (who also produced Yeezus) and A Tribe Called Quest founder and MC Q-Tip. The May postponement, while disappointing for many, will likely allow fans to see songs performed from both Yeezus and the as-yet-unnamed new record.

I honestly don't have a joke for this story, because I started doing Gym Jones and Crossfit at the same time this week and now I think I might be partially paralyzed. I've basically spent the last five minutes staring at the burrito I dropped on the floor. I want it. I want it so bad.

 

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Kanye West Bought Kim Kardashian 10 Burger Kings
Kanye West Bought Kim Kardashian 10 Burger Kings

 

I don't even know if this story is true or not, but let's pretend that is it is, k?

It's been reported that Kanye West has given fiancé Kim Kardashian the gift of 10 Burger King franchises to celebrate their upcoming wedding. The 10 locations are said to be spread throughout the United Kingdom, France and Italy. While the gift may seem a little farfetched, it might help to know that West has previously opened up a pair of Fatburger locations in his hometown of Chicago. Let's just hope Kanye makes another round of television appearances sometime soon so we can hear his reasoning for this one.

Ten. Kim Kardashian has ten Burger…wait, no. Khloe already destroyed one. News crews on the scene are reporting severe property damage and multiples injuries. What's that, Karen? Oh no. We are saddened to report that an unidentified individual has died on the way to the hospital. But we have some good news. First responders and military personnel have cornered Khloe in the top of a tree.

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People Think Kanye West Is A Vampire Because Of This Picture
People Think Kanye West Is A Vampire Because Of This Picture

 

You'd think most of Kanye West's days would be spent mostly staring at his own reflection, but as it turns out, he doesn't have one. This, of course, has caused people to claim he's a vampire. He lives beyond the grace of God, a wanderer in the outer darkness. He is "vampyr", "nosferatu". These creatures do not die like the bee after the first sting, but instead grow strong and become immortal once infected by another nosferatu. So, my friends we fight not one beast but legions that go on age after age after age, feeding on the blood of the living. We are dealing with forces beyond all human experience! Or, I don't know, something like that. Maybe they're not like how they are in movies.

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Kendall And Kylie Jenner Are On The Cover Of Vogue
Kendall And Kylie Jenner Are On The Cover Of Vogue

 

Since everybody else is making fun of it, Kylie and Kendall Jenner took their turn by posting this pic on Twitter to, you know, make fun of Kim and Kanye's Vogue cover. This is some really bad Photoshop. They really should have consulted with Kim on this. She would have never stood for this quality of work. Her Photoshop game is too strong.

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Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Seem Very Approachable

Getting on the cover of Vogue was sure to make Kim Kardashian and Kanye West humble and appreciative of the consideration given to them hahaha just kidding. But here they are in their post-Vogue world where Kanye is apparently the survivor of a nuclear holocaust. On the other hand, not gonna lie, Kim looks pretty damn good here. Sorry. I'm really happy today. Comedy doesn't really work well with happiness believe it or not.

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Kim And Kanye’s Wedding Will Be An E! Special Because Duh
Kim And Kanye’s Wedding Will Be An E! Special Because Duh

 

When two people get married and one of those people believes he's god and couldn't legally marry himself, and the other one would let the Seahawks run a train on her during the Superbowl to help grow her mom's brand, of course their wedding will be scripted and filmed for a cable network. You thought it wouldn't? Dummy. Radar Online reports:

The entire “fairytale” event WILL be filmed for Keeping Up with the Kardashians, a multi-million dollar affair where most of the costs will be covered by the producers behind their hit E! series. “Kim has always wanted to be a June bride and she is finally going to get her wish,” a source close to the couple revealed to Radar. “Kim and Kanye have narrowed down the wedding location, which is being kept a secret at this point. It will be on the outskirts of Paris.” Added the insider, “Kim persuaded Kanye to let the cameras roll because E! will pick up most of the cost of the wedding and it’s a lot easier for a network to deal with logistics of a foreign wedding than if it were just the two of them planning it.”

At 33, this will be Kim Kardashian's third marriage in 14 years, so if my math is correct, her marriage to Kanye West will last 4.6 years. Which is substantially longer than her marriage to Kris Humphries which lasted a whole 72 days. That's one day for every hour that dude was trapped in a mountain before he cut his arm off. That would be a great, natural way for Kim to lose weight btw. What? Please. She can always Photosop in an arm.

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Kanye Punched A Guy For Calling Kim A ‘Ni**er Lover’
Kanye Punched A Guy For Calling Kim A ‘Ni**er Lover’

 

Yeah, so this happened. TMZ reports:

Kim Kardashian was threatened with DEATH by the man who allegedly called her a "n****r lover"… and she's filing a police report and wants the guy prosecuted for making criminal threats … TMZ has learned. Sources familiar with the nuclear blow up at a Beverly Hills medical building tell TMZ … the guy screamed at Kim, "I WILL KILL YOU, SLUT" … and THAT Kim believes is a crime. TMZ broke the story … the guy had been yelling at paps outside the building as Kim showed up.  He apparently tried to help her get in the building, but when he started ranting at photogs, calling them "n****rs" and  "f****ts" … Kim called him out and he then went crazy on her. For some reason, Kim called Kanye in the middle of the guy's rant and the guy screamed that Kanye was an "n****r," and it all culminated in confrontation in a chiropractor's waiting room when Kanye barged in and punched the guy.  Now Kanye is a suspect in a criminal battery investigation. Kim has already met with her lawyer and they decided they will mount a counterattack by filing a police report.

I really don't have the time nor the energy in 2014 to even try to understand why people still feel the need to use a phrase like this or even feel compelled to scream this at a total stranger who could you and your family several times over, so I won't. However, say whatever bad stuff you want to say about Kanye West (and it would probably be true), but if an ignorant dumbass disrespects or causes the woman you love any type of pain, sometimes you're left with no alternative but to teach him he shouldn't say those things by forcing him to put those words and his teeth back in his mouth.

 

*THIS DAY IN 2014: Todd defended Kanye West

 

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Sooo…Kim Kardashian Has This Purse Now

I'm not sure if this was a Christmas gift from Kanye or not, but Kim Kardashian has a new purse with two chicks scissoring on it while another chick watches. At least I think it's a purse. Miley Cyrus might call it the storyboards for her next video.

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