Kanye West Continues To Be Delusional
Kanye West Continues To Be Delusional

 

Kanye West is finally sitting down for his deposition for that time he beat up a photographer, and as expected, West defies the laws of physics by sticking a head that large up his own ass. We’ll get to the rest of it, but first, Kanye had to take a selfie.

Kanye West swears under oath, “I’m the smartest celebrity you’ve ever f***ing dealt with. I’m not Britney Spears.” 

I think anyone’s intelligence is up for debate when they marry Kim Kardashian, but again, we’re dealing with Kanye West.

Kanye explains to Nate Goldberg, the photog’s lawyer, “I’m in the business of trying to make dope s**t for the world. You’re in the business of representing scums and trying to make as much money as long as there’s this lapse in the law.” Goldberg grills Kanye about his song, “Flashing Lights,” — a rant against the paparazzi. Goldberg quotes from the song, “Till I get flashed by the paparazzi, damn, these ni**as got me.” At that point Kanye interrupts, “You have to ask for a hall pass. You can’t just say the ‘n’ word around me.” adding, “It offends me because you’re a white person saying ‘ni**a.’” Kanye says there’s a parallel between blacks fighting for civil rights in the ’60s and celebs fighting for theirs today: “I mean in the ’60s people used to hold up ‘Die N****r’ signs when my parents were in the sit-ins also.” Goldberg asks if he equates the struggle of blacks in the past with celebrities today and Kanye says, “Yes, 100 … I equate it to discrimination. I equate it to inequalities.” Kanye goes on, “We, as group of minorities here in L.A., as celebrities have to ban together to influence guys like this — guys trying to take the picture, guys trying to get the big win, guys trying to get the check.” The depo is riddled with Kanye’s sarcasm. When Goldberg asks where he lives, Kanye replies, “Earth.” 

I hope I’m not the only one to point this out, but does anyone else see the disconnect between Kanye not wanting a white man to say “nigger” in his presence, then comparing getting his picture taken to the civil rights movement? First, you sound dumb, and second, you cheapen the people who you pretend to honor. Also, you can’t get mad when a white man says the word “nigger” in front of you when you threw a hissy fit when Nike didn’t make you theirs. Also keep in mind that your wife’s life force is replenished every time a photog takes her picture, so she’d probably do a sit-in with you as soon as her mom clears it with Getty Images.

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They’re Married
They’re Married

 

Just so we're clear, I'm spending zero time on the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West wedding today. Not because I think I'm somehow above it, there's just a lot of crap and I really don't feel like being here all day. Plus it's dumb. So, if you need quick recap of everything that went down, head on over to The Superficial and he'll take you on the sexual journey of your life. Also, did you know that Lebron James has never signed an NBA max contract? Pretty crazyt, right? I never would have thought that. So glad we had this talk. Hit me up later.

 

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Kim And Kanye Still Don’t Have A Prenup

If there is anything Kim Kardashian and Kanye West love more than themselves, it's money, so true love has to wait until they can trust each other in writing before they continue to emotionally manipulate each other into believing monogamy and life long love are sustainable concepts.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West can't get married, because their prenup is still being hashed out … TMZ has learned. Sources connected with Kim and Kanye tell TMZ … the prenup won't be signed until next week — probably Wednesday at the earliest.  We're told the marriage will NOT take place until both sign on the dotted line. Our sources say — unlike Kim's prenup with Kris Humphries — the current negotiations are friendly … there's no fighting.  We're told there's just a lot to work out, and it got complicated by the fact that Kanye recently changed management. As for the wedding … it's looking like Paris … around Memorial Day.

And by "their prenup is still being hashed out" they mean Kris Jenner is trying to use phototherapy on Kanye to squeeze every last dime she possibly can. "You’re waking now. Waking. Calm. Waking in a pleasant room. Safe. Open your eyes."

 


 

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Kanye Might Be Cheating On Kim With Pia Mia
Kanye Might Be Cheating On Kim With Pia Mia

 

This is Kanye's "E! won't let me out my contractual obligation to marry this ho" face

 

In March, Radar Online published a story claiming Kim Kardashian was getting jealous over Kanye West's relationship with his new protege, 17-year old singer Pia Mia (her). Mia claimed the relationship was strictly professional, but apparently they've been "flirty and romantic". Then DUN DUN DUUUUN.

So, with all this gossip flying around, Pia must have known what she was doing when she posted the Instagram photo below with the caption “@TheOtherWomanMovie trailer…story of my life. Guna be so hilarious! #OtherWoman #sp”.

Feel free to read into this however you want, since everybody else seems to be, but if you listen to Kanye, he truly believes Kim is the most beautiful woman in the world despite plenty of evidence that she's not. So I don't know if he would cheat on her with a 17-year old who looks like a swap meet Rihanna. Or he might, because please keep in mind that Kim Kardashian is insufferably annoying and an unhinged narcissist. But then again, so is Kanye. This is way too confusing for a Monday

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Kanye West Doesn’t Care About Australians
Kanye West Doesn’t Care About Australians

 

Because his ego had a scheduling conflict, Kanye West has postposed the Australia leg of his Yeezus tour to work on a new album. Kanye is the only person I know who would willingly decide not to go to Australia. Great white sharks love it there.

Rap genius, self-proclaimed fashionista and the internet's favourite figure of fun, Kanye West, has decided to postpone his tour of Australia next month. Instead he will play in Australia in September, a tour which could have a silver lining for fans. Tour promoter Live Nation said Kanye changed the dates because he was busy finishing his next studio album. Their statement read: "Due to unexpected timing requirements to finish his highly anticipated new studio album, scheduled for a 2014 release, Kanye West regretfully announces the postponement of his upcoming tour dates in Australia." The current tour is to promote his worldwide chart-topping 2013 album Yeezus. Kanye's upcoming seventh studio album, due for release in mid-2014, will be produced by Rick Rubin (who also produced Yeezus) and A Tribe Called Quest founder and MC Q-Tip. The May postponement, while disappointing for many, will likely allow fans to see songs performed from both Yeezus and the as-yet-unnamed new record.

I honestly don't have a joke for this story, because I started doing Gym Jones and Crossfit at the same time this week and now I think I might be partially paralyzed. I've basically spent the last five minutes staring at the burrito I dropped on the floor. I want it. I want it so bad.

 

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Kanye West Bought Kim Kardashian 10 Burger Kings
Kanye West Bought Kim Kardashian 10 Burger Kings

 

I don't even know if this story is true or not, but let's pretend that is it is, k?

It's been reported that Kanye West has given fiancé Kim Kardashian the gift of 10 Burger King franchises to celebrate their upcoming wedding. The 10 locations are said to be spread throughout the United Kingdom, France and Italy. While the gift may seem a little farfetched, it might help to know that West has previously opened up a pair of Fatburger locations in his hometown of Chicago. Let's just hope Kanye makes another round of television appearances sometime soon so we can hear his reasoning for this one.

Ten. Kim Kardashian has ten Burger…wait, no. Khloe already destroyed one. News crews on the scene are reporting severe property damage and multiples injuries. What's that, Karen? Oh no. We are saddened to report that an unidentified individual has died on the way to the hospital. But we have some good news. First responders and military personnel have cornered Khloe in the top of a tree.

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People Think Kanye West Is A Vampire Because Of This Picture
People Think Kanye West Is A Vampire Because Of This Picture

 

You'd think most of Kanye West's days would be spent mostly staring at his own reflection, but as it turns out, he doesn't have one. This, of course, has caused people to claim he's a vampire. He lives beyond the grace of God, a wanderer in the outer darkness. He is "vampyr", "nosferatu". These creatures do not die like the bee after the first sting, but instead grow strong and become immortal once infected by another nosferatu. So, my friends we fight not one beast but legions that go on age after age after age, feeding on the blood of the living. We are dealing with forces beyond all human experience! Or, I don't know, something like that. Maybe they're not like how they are in movies.

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Kendall And Kylie Jenner Are On The Cover Of Vogue
Kendall And Kylie Jenner Are On The Cover Of Vogue

 

Since everybody else is making fun of it, Kylie and Kendall Jenner took their turn by posting this pic on Twitter to, you know, make fun of Kim and Kanye's Vogue cover. This is some really bad Photoshop. They really should have consulted with Kim on this. She would have never stood for this quality of work. Her Photoshop game is too strong.

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Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Seem Very Approachable

Getting on the cover of Vogue was sure to make Kim Kardashian and Kanye West humble and appreciative of the consideration given to them hahaha just kidding. But here they are in their post-Vogue world where Kanye is apparently the survivor of a nuclear holocaust. On the other hand, not gonna lie, Kim looks pretty damn good here. Sorry. I'm really happy today. Comedy doesn't really work well with happiness believe it or not.

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