Jennifer Aniston spent another holiday not married and closer to death in Cabo this weekend, but if you're wondering if the sexual heat is dead between her and Justin Theroux, suck it haters. Just look at these pics. He can barely keep his hands off her! They're practically doing it right there in front of everybody! See that pic where he's basically raping her with his eyes?! Yeah, me either. I think he's looking for weak spots in the wall.
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got engaged last August after dating less than a year. Man, that seemed pretty quick. But don't worry guys, despite everything you know about Jennifer Aniston and how quickly she got engaged, she in no rush to get married because "we already feel married". Sure thing, bro. ABC News reports:
“We just want to do it when it’s perfect, and we’re not rushed, and no one is rushing from a job or rushing to a job,” the “We’re the Millers” actress told the Associated Press. “And, you know, we already feel married.”….“We have yet to set any dates. There have been no cancelled weddings. There have been no postponed weddings,” she said. “There have been no arguments about where to get married. Just clearing all that up.”
Translation: "Justin already feels married and smothered and wants me to chill the hell out for a minute so he can breathe. I just love him so much. When he goes to the bathroom I like to hold his hand because what if he falls and dies in there? I've read online that happens. What about when he sleeps? Oh, I stay awake and watch him. I think he wants me to do that because he wants to know he's loved. Sometimes I rub his hair and sometimes I take pictures of us when he's sleeping too. I close my eyes in the pictures because I want to see what it would look like if we were buried together. He'd probably want us to hold hands. But you know men, they can never say what they want. But I know what his heart wants."
Jennifer Aniston’s been dating Justin Theroux since March. Now they’re moving in together. The New York Daily News reports:
Fresh off their romantic Hawaiian vacation and globetrotting trips to meet each other’s families, the couple is reportedly renting a love nest in Hollywood. They’re currently renting a two-bedroom house, but could buy the property for $3 million, according to X17. It reportedly boasts a pool and a hidden garden outside as well as an interior with hardwood floors, vaulted ceilings and a garage that’s been converted into a family room. If it sounds cozy and romantic, it is. An Aniston insider tells Us Weekly, “One bedroom is the master and the other is currently furnished as a guest room. It is a really romantic house with great views and a warm feeling in every room.” With Aniston’s recent habit of picking up pricey real estate, perhaps buying the bungalow isn’t a far-fetched idea. In April, she reportedly sunk millions into two West Village apartments that she plans to combine into one gargantuan Manhattan pad. According to a friend of Theroux’s, perhaps the couple is building a set of nests in which to start a family. “He’d make an excellent father,” the source told Us. “Since he’s a screenwriter, he could work from home and take care of a kid.”
I’m actually surprised Justin Theroux has been let in on these discussions. I just assumed Jennifer Aniston would have poked holes in the condom or said an antibiotic fucked up her birth control. You know, the classics. Us Magazine reports:
They have talked at length about getting married and starting a family,” an insider close to the pair tells the new Us Weekly, out Wednesday. “She is anxious for the next phase of her life and feels like this is the time.” And her hunky new guy (who split with girlfriend of 14 years Heidi Bivens in March) is completely on board with having a baby, a second insider says: “They both want it to happen soon.”…The Horrible Bosses star’s pals aren’t surprised in the slightest by Aniston’s race to become a mom with Theroux. “Jen hasn’t felt this way about anyone since Brad,” a pal says of Aniston’s ex-hubby Brad Pitt. (Aniston has had a famously rocky romantic life — with fizzled romances with Vince Vaughn, John Mayer and a slew of others — since her 2005 split with Pitt, 47.) Adds another friend: “They are moving quickly, but they know the feelings they have about [each other] are different from past romances.”
She’s 42, so let’s hope the baby doesn’t come out with Downs or a lobster hand and a tail. It’s bad enough that he’ll have to keep an electric razor in his kindergarten cubby.
Man, that didn’t take long. I think she just broke her own record. Star Magazine reports:
Justin reaches out to ex Heidi Bivens after hearing she was spotted with another man — is Jen destined for another heartbreak? Jennifer Aniston‘s latest romance with actor and write Justin Theroux may be over almost as quickly as it started — he is already seeing his ex Heidi Bivens again! Star reports, “Justin and Heidi secretly met on Father’s Day, and Justin spent most of their time together apologizing for acting like a cad.” Uh-oh Jen! One person who may not be surprised by Justin’s devious ways is Jen’s best friend Courteney Cox, who apparently warned her pal about her new man. “Courteney has begged Jen to dump Justin,” a friend tells the magazine. Courteney may be right too! “[Justin's] already complaining how Jen is suffocating him, so suddenly he’s wondering if he broke up with Heidi too quickly.”
Jennifer Aniston is notoriously clingy and desperate, so of course this was gonna happen eventually. In Jennifer’s defense, if men don’t want to be forced to help pick out a reception menu while they wait in the car when she’s walking the red carpet, then when exactly is a good time? Huh?! The world doesn’t revolve around you, sir.
Jennifer Aniston‘s publicist has done everything but take out a billboard to let everybody in the world know that she’s now dating Justin Theroux, so you’d think that at the premiere of her new movie Horrible Bosses, she’d want to walk the red carpet with her new boyfriend for the first time. But then you realize we’re talking about Jennifer Aniston and walking down the red carpet with her boyfriend would mean that it wouldn’t be completely about her and only her. Mail Online reports:
There may be an excitable buzz surrounding Jennifer Aniston and her new romance. But last night she made sure that the focus was firmly on her as she posed alone on the red carpet at the premiere of her new film. Boyfriend Justin Theroux wasn’t far behind though – he waited patiently in the car as Jennifer, 42, slipped out and dashed through the traffic to make her grand entrance.
I was going to write this long-winded rant about how much I loathe this cunt, but it’s way too early in the morning to be angry. And besides, I can’t find my coffee cup. Look, everybody knows that’s my cup so don’t pretend you haven’t seen it. I leave it in the same place everyday. Oh really? Well, how many other cups in here have kittens taking a bubble bath painted on the side, huh? I’m tired of everybody in this office who think they can just prance around here all day taking people’s coffee cups and thinking I won’t find out. I know what goes on around here. You people think I’m stupid and will just sit by why you hide my coffee cup from me. All I want to do is sit at my desk, drink some coffee, and look at kittens taking a bubble bath, but noooo, you people can’t stand that can you? Can you?! You just can’t stand to see a person happy is that it? You’re so miserable in your own life that you just stand the thought of somebody at his desk drinking coffee and looking a kittens? No, I will not calm down, sir! You know what? The hell with all of you. I just might write a letter to the corporate office and let them know we have thieves who work here. Oh, I have your attention now, don’t I? That’s right, thieves. All of you are thieves robbing me of my happiness. What are you doing? Don’t come any clos…stop right…take your goddamn hands off me!
Jennifer Aniston was only ever considered A-list because Brad Pitt stuck his penis inside her, and she has held on to that reputation because bitter women everywhere see her as the victim of an evil succubus who broke into her house and stole her husband. Since then, it’s been a parade of failed relationships after another. Until she started dating actor/writer Justin Theroux in May. You know, the Justin Theroux whose girlfriend of 14 years just moved out last weekend. New York Post reports:
Despite calling Angelina Jolie “uncool” for moving in on her ex-husband, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston’s romance with Justin Theroux has ended his 14-year relationship with his live-in girlfriend Heidi Bivens — who moved out of their home last weekend, Page Six has exclusively learned. Sources tell us Hollywood costume designer Bivens “is devastated” after Theroux abruptly ended their relationship as he got close to Aniston. Aniston, 42, and Theroux, 39, met last fall on the set of “Wanderlust,” due in October, but in recent weeks they have become inseparable. A source told us, “Heidi is heartbroken. She was completely blindsided. She and Justin had been together for years, they had a home. Then he met Jennifer and everything changed. At first he claimed he and Jen were friends.” A rep for Bivens confirmed to Page Six: “Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend. She has no comment.” When Aniston and Theroux were first spotted dining together in May, her rep insisted they were friends. But it was reported at the time that Theroux is “edgier than the guys Jen usually dates . . . she really likes him.” In recent weeks, the pair have repeatedly been seen dining out and reportedly spending weekends together, with Hollywood sources telling us that “things are moving fast. They are practically living together.” Despite Heidi’s heartbreak, a friend of Theroux claimed, “Things were already over between him and Heidi before he got close to Jen.” Jennifer and Pitt announced their split in January 2005. She told Vogue in 2008 about Jolie — who described how her feelings for Pitt developed on the set of 2005′s “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” — saying, “I was unaware that it was happening. I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss.”
Man, I wonder what Chelsea Handler will have to say about this? I bet she’ll say something unfunny then stare directly into the camera. Then if we’re lucky, she’ll point to Chuy. Because midgets are really funny, you guys.