Yeah, So Here’s Justin Bieber’s Butt

Uhh..happy Tuesday? I hope this puts all the Ruby Rose comparisons to rest. Justin Bieber‘s ass looks like my grandfather’s. He was in hospice.

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Kendall Jenner Is Getting Breast Implants For Justin Bieber

So, yeah. Kendall Jenner wants to get breast implants to impress Justin Bieber. Even though I only like one noun in that last sentence, I’ll allow it.

“There is no doubt among any of Kendall’s friends that this is all about impressing Justin,” a source exclusively revealed to OK Magazine.com. “He’s so superficial when it comes to women’s bodies and Kendall’s worried she’s not busty enough for his tastes.” She says she’s only considering going “up a couple of breast sizes” and insists “she’ll keep it classy.” “She knows Justin loves big butts too, but for now she’s focused on one thing at a time and she’s starting with her boobs.”

Fake tits and a flat ass are a little 80s, but if Kendall Jenner wants to get a bigger rack because she thinks that’ll keep a dude interested, then who are we to judge? Because, well, she’ll have bigger tits. And bigger tits on Kendall Jenner is something I think we can all agree on despite the fact that some of you probably think Dunkin Donuts is better than Krispy Kreme. What happened to you as a child for you to feel this way? What choices did you make for your life to end up like this? Let’s talk about it. My door is always open for you.

 

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Justin Bieber Crashed A Prom This Weekend

I don’t think Justin Bieber ever finished high school, which would make him a sure fire GOP star if he ever decided to run for office, but he finally got to go to prom this weekend after L.A.’s Chatsworth Charter High School somehow allowed the Bieber in the building. Check out these videos! Looks like it was a great time! Especially that video of Bieber and that dude grinding on each other like they’re making coffee.

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Big Sean Seems Really Secure In His Relationship With Ariana Grande

Because music is dead and people are dumb, people paid to see Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber perform in LA last night where Bieber hugged Ariana from behind. Obviously that should make the boyfriend she posts about constantly to fly into rage and passive aggressively threaten violence.

Oh, man. Big Sean sure showed Bieber who owns that vagina by tweeting then quickly deleting it. Probably after he got a text from Ariana that included a lot of question marks then him pricing tennis bracelets.

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Justin Bieber Is Being Sued By His Old Neighbor For Being ‘Anti-Semitic’

You’d think that Justin Biebers roast would have effectively washed away all the bad stuff Bieber has done, but remember that time he egged his former neighbor’s house and had to pay him $80K? Well, his former neighbor’s name is Jeff Schwartz, and if the name didn’t give it away, Schwartz has found a way to squeeze even more money out of this situation. Mozel tov!

Justin Bieber is being sued by his former neighbor whose house was egged by JB and his buddies, claiming he and his wife have suffered emotional distress because the singer’s bodyguard called him “little Jew boy.”  But Schwartz wants more, claiming Bieber and his crew terrorized their Calabasas neighborhood while JB lived there, with loud parties, drag races and disgusting encounters which included Justin spitting on him, something Justin has denied.   Schwartz also claims Bieber hurled obscenities at his wife and minor daughter. Schwartz claims on Memorial Day weekend of 2013, Bieber was speeding around the neighborhood in his Ferrari. Schwartz and a friend walked over to Bieber and told him to stop because he was putting lives at risk. He claims Bieber’s bodyguards then came out and one of them called him a “little Jew boy,” and repeatedly said, “What are you going to do about it, Jew boy?” Schwartz wants damages for emotional distress.

“Little Jew boy”? What are we in, Palestine?! Nazi Germany?! What will the GOP think about this?! Or Jeff Schwartz’s psychiatrist he’s had since his bar mitzvah?! How many times has his mother called?! Did Jeff just accidentally eat meat with dairy?! What are his thought on the nuclear deal with Iran?! Does Justin even know that Israel is the only sovereign Jewish state besides NYC, Lakewood, Los Angeles, Beachwood, Miami, Philadelphia, and mostly all of Quebec?! I hope all these questions and more are answered in this lawsuit.

 

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The Justin Bieber Roast Was PR Bullshit

So, yeah. Comedy Central‘s Roast of Justin Bieber was this weekend (it airs March 30th). Now, before you read the, uh, jokes, take a minute to think of all things you could say about Justin Bieber. Now read none of those things.

Jeffrey Ross: “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you]… proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.”

“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.”

“You haven’t put out an album in three years. What are you doing? If you listen closely you can hear the sounds of One Direction fucking your fans.”

Natasha Legerro: “Justin’s fans are called beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.”

 
Kevin Hart: “Orlando Bloom took a swing at you; you have a perfume called Girlfriend; you threw eggs at a house – not gangsta.”
 
Chris D’Elia: “Justin Bieber, the man. Why are you here? … You are about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom fucked Selena Gomez.” 
Shaquille O’Neal: “Justin as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that high. And he uses your music to torture people.”
 
Ludacris: “Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.” 
 
Hannibal Buress: “You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom.” 

 Wow, Hardy fucking har. Lots of jokes! Lots of jokes! Mostly at Selena Gomez‘s expense (who is pissed btw). Bieber probably had to pay a little extra for that. But all of these “jokes” were just a warm up for the prepared statement his PR team crafted to stop the gaping vagina that has become Bieber’s career from bleeding out. Take it away, practiced speech Bieber.

“There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old, and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of.” 

Whatever. They should have let Jihadi John roast him.

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Justin Bieber Got Offered $2M To Do Gay Porn
Justin Bieber Got Offered $2M To Do Gay Porn

There’s nothing more homoerotic than gay porn than Justin Bieber‘s Calvin Klein ads. Or WWE Smackdown. Or the movie 300. So this seems like a natural progression.

Gay porn website Men.com has quite the offer for Justin Bieber. The site shared a video online today starring adult film actor “Johnny Rapid” in which Rapid asks the 20-year-old singer to have sex with him (for a cool check, of course). “I can’t even believe I’m gonna say this but I have an incredible offer for you, Justin Bieber,” Rapid says in the clip. “Men.com and I are offering you $2 million to do a scene with me. $2 million, that’s insane! Anyways, it will be easy, I’ll do most of the work, come in for a few hours, then you’re out of here with $2 million. Hope to see you soon.”

$2M though? That seems a little low. You’d think he get more money from whatever falls out of Mayweather’s pockets when he’s running from Pacquiao. Mayweather would probably take him to a nice dinner as well.

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Calvin Klein Gave Justin Bieber A Bigger Penis, Arms, Chest, Ego
Calvin Klein Gave Justin Bieber A Bigger Penis, Arms, Chest, Ego

Little fancy boy Justin Bieber modeled for Calvin Klein, but unlike Mark Wahlberg, the only thing that’s actually real in this picture is the underwear. Because, well, they shopped in biceps, pecs, quads, body hair, and a brand new dick. But his fans shouldn’t worry, his usual, tiny dick was still on set. (h/t Gawker)

he was basically a douche. He hit on [fellow model] Lara several times and she had to stop him, basically calling him out on being just a child.”

I’m really trying to understand why Justin Bieber is still a thing. I mean, I appreciate that Calvin Klein did what they had to do to make their underwear seem like their made for grown men, but if you wanna use Justin Bieber, they could just put me in footie pajamas and used the pics as is.

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Justin Bieber Is Banging Barbara Pavlin Because He Loves Selena Gomez

 The world is an unjust and lawless place and whoever made it should unplug it and plug it back in, because Justin Bieber is banging Victoria’s Secret model Barbara Pavlin when he’s not dickmatizing Selena Gomez.

 Justin Bieber is desperate to get Selena Gomez back, but we learned EXCLUSIVELY that Justin is hooking up with Victoria’s Secret model Barbara Palvin again. The love saga between Justin Bieber, 20, and Selena Gomez, 22, continues. Justin has made many sweet attempts to win her back, but a source reveals to HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY that Justin is hooking back up with former flame Barbara Palvin, 21, to spark some fire into Selena! “Right now, he’s hooking him back up with Barbara Palvin,” a source dished to HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY. “They been talking again. Justin is pissed that Selena is ignoring him and he knows that would hurt her, so he’s all for it anything he can do to get her attention and if it’s not good attention then he’ll go for bad attention.” As of late, Justin has been trying everything to get back together with Selena. From flaunting his sexy abs on Instagram to reaching out to her family, Justin’s not afraid to show how he feels.

So to recap, Justin Bieber is having sex with Barbara Pavlin because he wants Selena Gomez back. Man, that’s real love right there. Not sure how Selena will be able to ignore such a grand romantic gesture. Also, if I’m banging Barbara Pavlin, I wouldn’t even remember how to spell “Selena”.

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The Cops Went To Justin Bieber’s House Twice Last Night
The Cops Went To Justin Bieber’s House Twice Last Night

When you’re a rich, white male, laws usually don’t apply to you, but Justin Bieber is super annoying and everybody hates him because he’s a wigger douche prick with a mustache made out of fairy pony hair, and regardless of race or creed, we can all come together to mutually hate that kind of person.

According to law enforcement sources … Bev Hills P.D. went to Bieber’s condo TWICE last night to deal with noise complaints. The first visit was shortly after 11 P.M. … but when officers arrived they didn’t hear anything, so they left without knocking. The second time — around 12:40 A.M. — there was noise … we’re told around 30-40 people were milling around Bieber’s balcony. Cops knocked on the door, and spoke directly to Justin … reminding him his neighbors could make a citizen’s arrest if the noise continued, but Justin was cooperative and agreed to break up the party. As we first told you … JB was supposed to be out of this building at the end of September, but he’s been traveling around Europe for several weeks … and hasn’t found a new pad yet. 

Like, how many times do the police have to deal with this dude? I assume he’s unarmed most of the time, so why don’t they just shoot him and say he was resisting. What’s the hold up? You don’t even have to fill out a incident report. Those are basically optional anyway, and the cool thing about it is that you can investigate the shooting yourself and there’s really no data to say how many times you’ve done it before, so who really gives a shit? Just make sure you show him a razor so he starts running away then shoot like 20 times. Or however many times you think would be best. Eyewitnesses will probably try to stick their nose in your business, but understand you’re a cop, so you can do whatever you want. How awesome is that?! I think that’s pretty awesome myself and I usually don’t say “pretty awesome” normally.

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