So, yeah. Comedy Central‘s Roast of Justin Bieber was this weekend (it airs March 30th). Now, before you read the, uh, jokes, take a minute to think of all things you could say about Justin Bieber. Now read none of those things.
Jeffrey Ross: “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you]… proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.”
“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.”
“You haven’t put out an album in three years. What are you doing? If you listen closely you can hear the sounds of One Direction fucking your fans.”
Natasha Legerro: “Justin’s fans are called beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.”
Kevin Hart: “Orlando Bloom took a swing at you; you have a perfume called Girlfriend; you threw eggs at a house – not gangsta.”
Chris D’Elia: “Justin Bieber, the man. Why are you here? … You are about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom fucked Selena Gomez.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Justin as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that high. And he uses your music to torture people.”
Ludacris: “Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”
Hannibal Buress: “You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom.”
Wow, Hardy fucking har. Lots of jokes! Lots of jokes! Mostly at Selena Gomez‘s expense (who is pissed btw). Bieber probably had to pay a little extra for that. But all of these “jokes” were just a warm up for the prepared statement his PR team crafted to stop the gaping vagina that has become Bieber’s career from bleeding out. Take it away, practiced speech Bieber.
“There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old, and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of.”
Whatever. They should have let Jihadi John roast him.