Julia Roberts Is People’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman For The 5th Time
Julia Roberts Is People’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman For The 5th Time

 

It’s unclear if this is some sort of secret settlement that was reached, but People named Julia Roberts the World’s Most Beautiful Woman for 2017. Julia Roberts is 49 and has 49 teeth.

It’s been 26 years since Julia Roberts was first on the cover of PEOPLE’s World’s Most Beautiful issue, and she’s still our favorite pretty woman.  The stunning star is, for a record fifth time, the Most Beautiful Woman in the World – though she can hardly believe it. “I am very flattered,” she tells PEOPLE’s editor-in-chief Jess Cagle in this week’s cover story.

I haven’t checked, but there’s probably an article about this that says something about white privilege and why they didn’t pick a plus-sized, gay immigrant with a hijab/black woman with natural hair/trans woman instead of a Julia Roberts, so there might be a march about this later. I’m gonna stop now, because I really don’t want to look at Julia Roberts’ face anymore. It’s weird, right? It just looks weird. Maybe this issue is really about scarecrows and this was all some kind of mixup.

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We Are Not On Bradley Cooper’s Selfie Game Level
We Are Not On Bradley Cooper’s Selfie Game Level

 

In the most epic #selfiesunday ever taken, here's Bradley Cooper, Jared Leto, Jennifer Lawrence, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Angelia Jolie, Ellen Degeneres, and three other people I don't know. Two of them are black. Sorry about that. Regardless, good luck on your next group selfie during your bar crawl this month. If it breaks Twitter, it's probably because Twitter was down for maintenance. It wasn't because we could see half your boob. But keep going with the half boob showing thing though. No reason to stop on their account.

 

Bradley Cooper Instagram

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Julia Roberts Half-Sister Died Of A Drug Overdose
Julia Roberts Half-Sister Died Of A Drug Overdose

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I don't think this counts towards the Celebrity Rule of Three, so Bieber is still in play here.  New York Daily News reports:

Julia Roberts' half-sister was found dead Sunday in a bathtub at a Los Angeles home where she had been pet-sitting, and authorities discovered evidence of drug use. Nancy Motes, 37, long struggled with being overweight, and had a rocky relationship with her Academy Award-winning sister, who canceled a scheduled appearance Monday on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” due to the tragedy. Authorities were called to the Los Angeles home about 2 p.m. Sunday after Motes’ body was found by her fiancé John Dilbeck, a film and TV locations manager whom she was due to marry in May, a law enforcement source told the Daily News. The source added that investigators suspect a drug overdose, but that testing is needed to determine a cause of death.

She obviously didn't really care that much for Julia Roberts, which makes sense, because every single one of my friends in LA has a Julia Roberts story and none of them are good. They also have a Charlize Theron story, and again, none of them are good. Turns out most women are huge bitches. Who knew? Also, drugs are bad.

 

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Being Haitian Is Lucrative



With 40% of it’s national annual budget coming from foreign aid (The U.S. of course being the largest donor) and it’s external debt of $1.3 billion being forgiven by the World Bank in 2005, 80% of the Haitian population lives below the poverty level with a 65.9% literacy rate. They’re apparently not to great with money either, because when they had an earthquake, guess what they needed more of? I bet you’ll never guess! Us Magazine reports:

The victims of Haiti’s devastating earthquake are getting a major, major leg up from Hollywood and the general public worldwide. By Saturday evening, Friday’s all-star “Hope for Haiti Now: A Global Benefit for Earthquake Relief” telethon has raised more than $57 million! [UPDATE: $58M as of today] That sets a new record for donations made by the public through a disaster relief telethon — and the money keeps coming in from around the world. The impressive preliminary figures account for donations made via phone, online and mobile; iTunes sales and large corporate donations are still being tallied.

Please keep in mind that the chief exports of Haiti are Wyclef Jean and zombies, so I’m not sure there was hope for Haiti before the earthquake. Not really sure what they’re expecting now. Pumping in millions of dollars hasn’t worked so far, so what’s rebuilding gonna do? Oh, I know, rebuilding means celebrities can go on television and pretend to care and you can get a wristband and a bumper sticker. And really, why wouldn’t you want to do that? Texting $10 to help a guy with a car door for a roof is way more cooler than buying groceries for a family in Detroit. Telling your friends about the displaced family in Michelle Obama’s Red Cross commercial will make you look way more important than telling them about the displaced family you saw on your way to work. Sending a card to a man with an amputated leg in Haiti is way more trendy than sending one to an Iraq veteran in Walter Reed. Because screw that guy. If if he wasn’t trying to diffuse that car bomb, he’d still have a leg!

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The Ghost Of Emma Roberts At Sundance

Emma Roberts is the niece of Julia Roberts, and because celebrity is occasionally passed through the bloodline, she’s “famous.” Specifically, she has a Nickelodeon show, a few family films (including Hotel For Dogs) and an album under her belt, which means one thing…

…it’s only a matter of time before this girl starts slutting out like the rest of them. Miley Cyrus and her bare shoulder, Vanessa Hudgens baring it all, they all just start taking off their clothes and coming on the internet.

I will say this about Emma: she’s damn pale. It’s the sexiness of the winter season, don’t get me wrong, but I’m betting if she had her period, her thighs would turn red with the increase in heat and blood-flow.


[Note: Dave is well aware how a period works and that it doesn’t pull blood from the legs. But even typing u-t-e-r-u-s makes him fear impregnating someone.]

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Britney Spears Thinks She’s Julia Roberts



If any one knows why Britney Spears would seemingly make fun of Julia Roberts’ Vanity Fair cover, please feel free to fill us in. While you’re at it, you might want to let Britney know that this would’ve been somewhat endearingly cute if say, gee I don’t know, Britney had combed her fucking hair. Or had on a bra. Or wasn’t a complete retard. Julia Roberts can be annoying, but at least she built and maintained a Hollywood career. Britney Spears has a better chance of appearing at a Wal-Mart on Mars than she does the cover of Vanity Fair.

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Julia Roberts Thinks She’s a Police Officer




I’ve never been run off the road to be lectured by a sanctimonious Hollywood actress who was swerving between lanes moments before, but if I did, I hope I would handle myself better than this dude. Especially if that actress is Julia Roberts. She looks like a horse, and westerns tell me that you’re supposed to kick horses in the ribs when you want them to do something. So, if you ever want Julia Roberts to shut up, I’d suggest probably starting with that.

Julia out shopping on November 17th:


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