Jon Gosselin Is Living The Dream

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Apparently scientifically engineering a family of ten for fame and fortune doesn’t pay what it used to. Man, that sucks. TMZ reports:

Sporting a rhinestone-free safety harness and hardhat — former reality star Jon Gosselin was laboring away at his new J.O.B. this week … installing solar panels on the roof of a storage building. The ex-computer technician scored a gig with Green Pointe Energy — a Pennsylvania-based company that specializes in renewable energy. Those Ed Hardy shirts don’t pay for themselves …

Let’s be honest, Jon Gosselin is an irresponsible jackass who whored out his kids for a free hair transplant and a Buckle credit card, but I’m seriously surprised he’s still alive. Yes, he cheated on Kate, but what the fuck was his alternative? Blowing his brains out? I can’t even stand be in the same room with that sanctimonious bitch when she’s in HD. If I had to live with that chick, there’s a good chance “how to decapitate yourself with a bear trap” might be in my Google search history.

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Two Of The Gosselin Kids Got Expelled From School

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When you whore out your kids you had through the miracle of science for fame and fortune, you might need ACORN to help you get votes for Mother Of The Year. Huffington Post reports:

Two of the Gosselin sextuplets have been expelled from their Pennsylvania private school, In Touch Weekly reports. Alexis and Collin, age 6, are reportedly being home-schooled after getting kicked out for “rage issues.” “They’ve fought with their peers, called them nasty names and made fun of other kids,” a source told the magazine. Jon Gosselin recently lashed out at Kate for continuing to keep the kids on television, claiming the show has given them behavioral and emotional problems–and the In Touch report suggests their filming schedule has caused trouble at school. “Collin had such bad issues that he refused to get his picture taken at school because he’s tired of being on-camera,” the source said. A source close to the situation didn’t explicitly confirm the expulsion but told the New York Post that Kate’s “number one concern is protecting her children and is keeping this personal situation as a private matter that she works out with her kids.”

I really hope this doesn’t come as a shock to anyone. Kate Gosselin is a cunt and Jon Gosselin is a fat Korean dude in an Ed Hardy shirt. These kids would have had a better chance of turning out normal if they would have been raised with Jaycee Dugard.

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Jon Gosselin Is A Wonderful Human Being

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If you need further proof that the eight Gosselin kids would be better off working in a sweatshop, here you go.

Jon Gosselin threatened to report his then-wife Kate to Child Protective Services unless she gave him a large sum of money, RadarOnline.com is reporting exclusively. Jon’s ex girlfriend Hailey Glassman revealed the details to RadarOnline.com exclusively and provided documents to back up her claims. Hailey told RadarOnline.com that Jon often refers to himself in the third person, and the notes reflect that. In one of them he wrote: “Jon giving Kate ultimatums. He privately extorts Kate. If you don’t do what I want, I’ll do this…” He also wrote: “24/48 hours or I’ll go to DA (district attorney)” “He always referred to himself in the third person,” Glassman told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “I found it so strange. It was almost like he thought he was still on camera.” “We were in bed and Jon called Kate on speaker phone,” she told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “He wrote down what he wanted to say to her and then he read from his notes. “He told her, ‘You either give me money, or I’m going to call CPS.'” Hailey continued, “I was in the background asking ‘what is CPS?’ And Jon told me, ‘Child Protective Services.’ “Kate started screaming and Jon just started laughing,” Hailey continued. “He just laughed at her. Later when he got off the phone I asked him, ‘What are you doing? Why are you doing this? This is the mother of your eight children!’ And he told me, ‘Oh, you don’t know what I went through with her, what I had to deal with.'” Many of Jon’s personal notes are damning when it comes to his dealings with Kate. In addition to the excerpts referenced above, another note says, “Need 50k or 100k now. 24/48 hours go to DA.” In another note he wrote: “I’m not your child. I need my money.” Glassman said that Kate fought back during her conversations with Jon. “Kate would just say, ‘You’re sick Jon, you’re sick. How could you do this to me? You need help,” Glassman recalls. “I just remember thinking at the time that if he could do this to the mother of his kids, what would he do to me?” “There were so many times I witnessed it,” Hailey said. “That’s how he works. We would literally be in bed and Jon would call Kate, or Kate would call Jon to talk about custody and he would put her on speaker phone. She didn’t know I was there. “He’d say, ‘I’m going to go public with the way you treat the kids, I’m going to call CPS and the news and tell them everything unless you give me what I want.”

My God. I watched ten minutes of this show once, and I’m not even joking, I kept waiting for Jon Gosselin to blow his brains out or jump out of the shower and throw himself against an electrified fence, because Kate Gosselin is the most vile cunt on Earth. If she lived in Iran, they would have stoned her with rocks from Krypton that were dipped in poison, but still, blackmailing your wife is a bitch move. But in this recession, I really can’t say I blame him. I assume hairplugs and breast reduction surgery isn’t cheap.

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Jon Gosselin Has A Sex Tape, Likes Cocaine



I defended Jon Gosselin for a while, because his wife is an emasculating cunt who only cares about money and being famous, but I’ve realized that both of them should thrown into a volcano. This isn’t helping. National Enquirer reports:
Jon’s bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has been subpoenaed to testify in TLC’s lawsuit against Jon, and The ENQUIRER has learned Meinelt claims he saw Jon snort cocaine many times, and that he’s watched Jon’s secret sex tape! “Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny. “Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. “He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

Yeah, that’s what I want to see. A father of eight with hairplugs doing blow off some chick he met at a convenient store. I don’t know if he really met her at a convenient store, but Koreans are into that sort of thing, right?

Sofia Vergara because my image editing software is racist against Koreans:

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Jon Gosselin Is Handling This Well



Jon and Kate Gosselin have a joint bank account which last week contained “hundreds of thousands of dollars”. Jon Gosselin has since taken care of that of that problem. Radar Online reports:
At the same time he was telling a national TV audience that he wanted to put the brakes on his divorce and establish a better relationship with his wife, Jon Gosselin was secretly emptying their bank account, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively. Jon violated an arbitrator’s rules and pulled hundreds of thousands of dollars out of his joint account with Kate, leaving her with only $1,000, a RadarOnline.com investigation uncovered. It’s the most dramatic turn yet in what has been a public brawl of a divorce, with Jon hiring a controversial lawyer and trying to repair his public image in the past few weeks. He appeared on Larry King Live last week with his lawyer Mark Heller and said he had an epiphany, adding: “I want Kate and I to mediate. I want us to become friends.” But within hours of uttering those words, Jon was withdrawing several hundred thousand dollars from his joint bank account with Kate without her knowledge, leaving his estranged wife with only $1,000. RadarOnline.com has confirmed with multiple sources that Kate routinely pays the family bills from that bank account. When Kate discovered what happened she engaged a high-powered lawyer who immediately sent Jon a letter, demanding he return the money to the bank account. And RadarOnline.com has learned that another lawyer for Kate will go to court in Pennsylvania on Monday to file papers demanding the money be returned. Multiple sources tell RadarOnline.com that Jon’s actions were in violation of the Gosselin divorce arbitrator’s guidelines. Another bank account, set up for the Gosselin children, was untouched.

I haven’t heard of Bosley or Ed Hardy having a blowout sale in the news recently, so I’m unsure of why this idiot needed this money so fast. Oh, I know. It’s because he’s a petty, spoiled child who’d rather see his kids read my candlelight than his wife have access to any money. Awesome. Instead picturing this douchebag halting production of the show because he got fired and draining a bank account out of spite, picture a 2-year old stamping his feet and throwing a tantrum in an aisle at Wal-mart.

Jon Gosselin living a quiet, dignified life:

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Jon Gosselin Is Whiny



Although he didn’t mind it for the last two years that he was making money off filming every aspect of his science experiment kid’s lives, Jon Gosselin has hired lawyers to stop TLC’s Kate Plus Eight from doing it now. Douchebag, party of one.
Us Weekly reports:
Through his attorney, Mark J. Heller, Jon, 32, has written two letters to TLC lawyers. In the letters — dated Sept. 29 — Gosselin demands the network cease and desist production and leave his property, according to The Insider. On Thursday morning, he even posted a sign outside his family’s $1.1 million estate in Wernersville, Pa. It read: “Notice: no film crew or production staff from TLC is permitted on this property under penalty of trespass.” In one of the letters, Jon’s attorney writes: “Effective immediately, no production crews are to enter Jon’s family home for any reason. In the event that anyone enters the marital property, Jon Gosselin will notify the local authorities to effectuate police action against any trespassers.”

Yeah, so long story short, his ass got fired and Kate wouldn’t take him back, so now he’s throwing a hissy fit like some girl whose dress doesn’t fit for his My Super Sweet Sixteen. I defended this idiot for a while, but I’m not even halfway joking when I say I hope he gets raped by a bear trap. I don’t even know if that’s possible, but I didn’t know actually thinking to put on Ed Hardy in 2009 was possible either, so whatever.

UPDATE: It worked….

Hey, look! Gemma Atkinson! How did she get in here?! Oh, that Gemma! She’s so sneaky!

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Later



Since jobless, half-Korean douchebags don’t have any bitter, scorned white women in their fan clubs, Jon Gosselin has been basically fired from the show about his life. Jon & Kate Plus Eight has now been officially renamed to Kate Plus Eight. Us Magazine reports:
Jon and Kate Gosselin’s 10-year marriage has ended. And so has their TLC reality show. Sort of. TLC announced on Tuesday that the show will be renamed Kate Plus Eight, beginning Nov. 2. It will continue to focus on the lives of the young Gosselin twins, 8, and 5-year-old sextuplets but with a deeper focus on Kate’s role as a single mother. “Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family,” TLC president Eileen O’Neill said in a statement. “The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers.” She added that the network is in development on a Kate project for 2010.

Eh, this was bound to happen sooner or later. He’s an idiot and she’s a mind-controlling bitch, so the kids were gonna lose either way. It’s was either gonna be 30 minutes of Dad in his Ed Hardy shirt taking Propecia and texting his girlfriend while she decorates for prom or 30 minutes of Mom having a psychotic break if the labels on the cans aren’t facing the same direction. So, please. It’s not like any of this is good news. When asked for comment, Jon Gosselin’s mother said, “Oh dat silly Paddlefoot! He funny silly dog! Him think totem pole ah-live!!”

Kate Gosselin and her bodyguard. You know, the dude she’s been banging:

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Sorry, Ladies. He’s Fixed.



When your wife’s vagina passes out kids like flyers, there might be an awkward pause the next time you want to stick your penis in another one. Star Magazine reports:
Marci Santoro, the mother of Jon’s former babysitter — and lover — Stephanie, tells Star exclusively that when her daughter confessed she was having an affair with the infamous playboy, the first thing Marci worried about was another little Gosselin! “When Stephanie told me that besides watching the children, she also started a relationship with Jon, my first question was are you sleeping with him?” Marci tells Star. “She said ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘Stephanie you don’t need to get pregnant.’ She told me, ‘Mom you don’t need to worry about that, he can’t have anymore kids.'” Marci adds, “I asked her how do you know and she told me that after the sextuplets were born he had a vasectomy so I didn’t have to worry about that.”

Stephanie might want to reexamine her life, because Jon Gosselin is only famous because he didn’t pull out of Kate Gosselin. Meaning, Stepanie banged Jon Gosselin for fun. I don’t know what an equivalent of that would be, but I’m pretty sure it would involve a psychological evaluation and getting tasered.

It was either look for more pictures of this dude, or post totally unrelated pics of Taylor Momsen on the set of Gossip Girl. I didn’t really struggle with that decision:

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Jon Gosselin Got Dumped



Hailey Glassman passes out in hotel hallways and poses in pictures while smoking bowls with wiggers, so too bad Jon Gosselin didn’t treat her like the sophisticated lady that she is. inTouch Weekly reports:
“When Jon came back, he said very little to Hailey, but his phone spilled the details,” the friend tells In Touch. “He had several text messages and photos taken with girls, including a showgirl. Hailey was shocked that he didn’t bother to delete any of it from his phone.” On September 4, Hailey called Jon and told him she was through. “She’d had it,” the close friend adds. “She said she couldn’t trust him.” Once madly in love, Hailey first grew suspicious of Jon’s extracurricular activities when tabloid reporter Kate Major claimed she and Jon were an item in July. Although Jon told In Touch he and Kate were “just friends,” Hailey was still skeptical. “He lied to her about Kate Major,” the close friend reveals. Hailey also now believes that Jon was with other women as well, after he moved into a bachelor pad in New York. “He would go out and return wearing totally different clothes,” the close friend explains. “Hailey would question Jon about it, and he’d just say he had spilled a drink on himself.” Hailey also believes that Jon collects numbers from the adoring female fans who line the fence at the Reading, Pa., home he shares with his estranged wife, Kate. “She doesn’t want to deal with that,” the friend explains.

I sat here for about ten minutes wondering what I was gonna say about this, then I looked at the banner picture, then I looked at the pictures of this skank, then I made
some cereal, then I realized that I was writing about Jon Gosselin getting dumped and the only thing I could come up with was, “Um, next.”

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Jon and Kate Plus Hate

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You might want to sit down for this, but in his first public interview (his 2,456 behind Kate) Jon Gosselin says he can’t stand the bitch. Oh, I know! What a shock! Us Magazine reports:

I can’t sit on the sofa with that woman,” he says in the interview, which was posted online Tuesday. “I can’t sit on someone right now that I despise.” He accuses Kate, 34, of “feeding into the frenzy” by appearing on magazine covers bashing him. In a recent People interview, she joked that Jon must have been abducted by aliens when asked to explain how he transformed from a computer technician into a club-hopping jet-setter. “I despise [her] because she’s not speaking from the heart,” Jon tells ABC News’ Chris Cuomo. “Please — the stuff you tell me in private should be the stuff you tell me on TV.” (In a statement to ABC News, Kate says: “While I certainly have a very different perception of how our marriage dissolved, for the sake of my children I maintain that I’m not going to go into details of aspects I believe should remain private.”) Jon also slams Kate for claiming she still wears her wedding ring because she doesn’t want to “upset” their eight children. Says Jon, “I think she still wears the ring for public perception. I don’t wear my ring because she took my ring. I don’t have it. “I don’t have the ring,” he continues. “I laid it down one night. It was gone. Who else would take it? I checked all the — underneath my kids’ pillows. That’s where everything ends up in the house anyway. So it wasn’t there.”

Jon Gosselin was treated like a stray dog that shit on the carpet in his own house on a TV show that was broadcast around the world while his wife was banging her bodyguard, so it’s hard to imagine where all this hate comes from. I guess some guys have a lot to learn about being in a relationship.

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