Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Made A Weird Apology Video About Their Dogs

When you plead guilty to providing a false immigration document to sneak your two terriers into Australia, sometimes you have to make an awkward video for the Australian government so they won’t throw you in prison for 10 years and put Pistol and Boo to sleep. Like Johnny Depp and Amber Heard just did. If you listen to the video with the sound off its says, “it’s super great to be a rich celebrity. Something about Australia.” Very informative stuff. 

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Labor Day Weekend Dump

Stay safe out there, kids. Enjoy your three day weekend and remember that unions are evil.

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Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Got Married

Can’t wait to see the ceremonial scarves they wore.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard made it legal at their home in Los Angeles on Tuesday, a source tells PEOPLE.  As previously reported, a bigger wedding is still to come this weekend on Depp’s private island (Little Hall’s Pond Cay) in the Bahamas.  Depp, 51, and Heard, 28, got engaged over the holidays in 2012 after meeting on the set of 2011’s The Rum Diary.

Lol “made it legal”. Okay. Anyway, Depp is 51 and banging a 28-year old hot blonde. And he’s been in three episodes of Spongebob. And he does a lot of cool shit for people and doesn’t care if the media knows about. He can make shit movies for the rest of his life and it won’t matter. Also, Amber Heard gets naked a lot in her movies. Which are also pretty bad.

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Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Are Both French Pirates Now

There comes a point if a couple stays together long enough, they either start looking alike or dressing alike, so congrats to Johnny Depp and Amber Heard for looking like extras on Peter Pan Live! now. Not sure how I feel about Amber’s obvious Benadryl addiction though. Bitch, wake up.

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Amber Heard And Johnny Depp Are Having Issues

Amber Heard is almost too hot to stare at directly, and Johnny Depp is obviously struggling with early onset dementia caused by wearing excessive scarves, but they’ve managed to keep it together for a year despite that, and now it seems it probab;y won’t make it another year. If nothing else, Johnny Depp got to have sex with a 28-year old blonde for a year.

Nearly a year after their whirlwind romance and surprise engagement, the couple have slowed down their wedding plans, multiple sources tell PEOPLE.  “There is no rush to marry at the moment,” says a longtime friend of Depp. “Johnny is crazy in love with Amber, but there is turmoil in the relationship.” “Amber flirts and has many different kinds of relationships,” the source says. “She is not really ready to settle down.”

You know who else needs to slow down their wedding plans? Everyone. Everyone needs to slow down their wedding plans. Or just cancel them. I know that most of you think that its  God’s miracle that you just happened to find your soulmate living in the same city as you, but please keep in mind that you have to find this person sexually and emotionally fulfilling for the rest of your life or they get a portion of your check. Just wanted to throw that out there.

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This Isn’t Creepy At All

Dear god today is boring so here's Johnny Depp and Rihanna as wax statues because apparently that's still a thing that people do. Johnny Depp is probably going to break in and put a scarf on his and Rihanna will probably be so high that she thinks she's cloned.

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Johnny Depp Is At ‘The Lone Ranger’ Premiere, Links

Carrie Fisher A.K.A – Princess Leia See Through on Stage (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie

Amanda Bynes Had Her Implants Removed [The Superficial]

Stacy Keibler Gets Seriously Leggy For NewBeauty [Popoholic]

Elsa Hosk Forgot Her Bikini [Hollywood Tuna]

QVC May Drop Paula Deen’s Ass Too [Dlisted]

"She was so fit and of course ran off with another bloke!" [MyEx]

Bar Refaeli does Instagram in a bikini (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]

Anna Kendrick shoots The Last Five Years [Lainey Gossip]

Some freak gifted Justin Bieber another pet monkey & he’s lost it already [Celebitchy]

Maria Menounos Bikini Pics From Her Vacation in Greece [Moe Jackson]

Pixar now has 14 number one movies in a row [Film Drunk]

Reese Witherspoon showing some leg [Celebslam]

Someone put Jonah Hill’s mouth on Jennifer Lawrence’s body [COED Magazine]

Don’t Worry James Gandolfini, John Travolta’s Got This [The Blemish]

Someone Gave Chris Brown Their Panties At A Show [Evil Beet Gossip]
Dwayne Johnson May Rock Terminator 5 [Crave Online]

Seth MacFarlane to voice Fry’s dog Seymour on ‘Futurama’ [Popbytes]

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The Lone Ranger Has A Trailer

If Disney can make Pocahontas a heartwarming story about love against all odds instead of child rape and tuberculosis, then I really can’t wait to see The Lone Ranger. At least they used an American Indian as Tonto instead of a Canadian Indian. The Canadian Indians didn’t die because they had socialized medicine. Pussies.

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Johnny Depp Is Still Banging Amber Heard

Amber Heard was a lesbian last year, then she co-starred with Johnny Depp in The Rum Diaries. She is no longer a lesbian. E! Online reports:
At this point, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are just two extremely pretty people who appeared to be enjoying each other’s company out in Hollywood this week. The Rum Diary costars spent a couple of “flirtatious but not overly touchy-feely” hours at AV Nightclub on Monday evening, a rep for the club tells E! News. Neither actor’s rep returned requests for comment on whether the tête-à-tête indicates that the two are more than friends, as was rumored earlier this year following Depp’s split from longtime partner Vanessa Paradis. The AV rep tells us that staffers blocked off the entire outdoor patio for the famous pair, who had brought their own security with them.

Johnny Depp spent over a fourth of his life with Vanessa Paradis, so he should be allowed to fuck Amber Heard in the middle of traffic if he wants. Because have you ever seen Vanessa Paradis? Amber Heard couldn’t look that bad if she was possessed by the devil and had the flu at the same time.

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Vanessa Paradis Bored Johnny Depp

“Thank you for this award and somebody tell John Mayer to stop posting everything I wear to his Pinterest. We get it.”

Earlier this week it was announced that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis split after 14 years together. You’d think the reason would have been Depp finally realizing he was dating Vanessa Paradis, but turns out she’s just a dead lay now. Radar Online reports:

“Johnny didn’t want to be with Vanessa anymore. They had grown so far apart, and he wanted to be free and try new things,” a source close to the former couple tells “He was bored senseless with her, being with Vanessa was making him miserable. “The spark had gone, and there was nothing left. Johnny just wants more from life and believes Vanessa deserves to be happier too. He’s not embroiled in some hot and heavy new romance and he has no plans to jump straight into something straight away, but he is keen to have some fun again. “Johnny was not handling keeping their split secret too well, it was difficult for him to carry on a farce, so now that it is out in the public he is feeling a lot happier about the situation.” “Johnny has wanted this relationship to end since last year,” the source says. “He has tried to get out of this for a long time.”

I know saying that Paradis is a “French model with a unique look” is just a nice way of saying she’s horrifically unattractive. She looks like the government let Sean Connery out of prison because she’s trying to take over Fraggle Rock. Plus, Depp is Native American. It’s our job to bang as many white women as possible. That’s basically our reparations. And casinos. And free college tuition. Oh, and $20K to put down on a new house. And no sin tax. And no body hair. I fee like I’m missing some.

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