MY GOD IT’S OVER
MY GOD IT’S OVER

 

So far, 2017 isn’t much better than 2016, but the Dallas Cowboys took the L last night, but the greatest news of all might be that the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard divorce shit is finally fucking over.

 

Have a seat, Amber.

Amber was trying to delay the final divorce so she could take Johnny’s deposition, but the judge turned thumbs down in a hearing Friday, saying enough was enough.

Why did you stand up? Take another seat, Amber.

Johnny had agreed to pay Amber $7 million to settle the divorce, but Amber attempted to renegotiate the settlement. The judge ruled the $7 mil settlement stood, and that’s what she’ll get.

You too, Johnny. Oh, Amber please take a third one.

Johnny’s lawyers asked the judge to impose a $100k sanction on Amber for delaying the proceeding, but the judge rejected that. She wanted Johnny to pay her attorney’s fees but the judge said each should foot their own bills.

Both of these people are assholes, so I really don’t care what happens here. Actually, that’s a lie, because I’ve been posting about it since day one and haven’t let it go. What’s wrong with me? What have become? There’s no titties in this.

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Johnny Depp Says Amber Heard Wants To ‘Extend Her 15 Minutes Of Fame’
Johnny Depp Says Amber Heard Wants To ‘Extend Her 15 Minutes Of Fame’

 

To recap, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp agreed to a $7M divorce settlement that Heard went to great pains to let everyone know she was donating to charity because “money played no role for me personally“.  Then Heard had a meltdown when Depp gave the money directly to the charity instead of her. Then Heard released a statement saying she wasn’t a gold digger. Then immediately followed that up by submitting a Request for Order with the Los Angeles Superior Court ‘in hopes of imposing the settlement and expediting Johnny’s payment” even though both sides agreed the full amount would be paid over the course of 12 months. Now, you might want to sit down for this because it might be a shock hear: Amber Heard now wants more money.

Johnny filed legal docs saying a deal is a deal, and they already agreed on the $7 million settlement months ago. Amber recently filed legal docs asking for more, but Johnny says that ship has sailed. Johnny’s lawyer, Laura Wasser, says Amber’s move is “a blatant attempt to extend her fifteen minutes of fame” and “an embarrassing grab for additional and unwarranted attorney’s fees.” Amber is also asking to reopen the $7 million settlement.

It’s 2017, so I feel comfortable asking this, but can somebody womansplain this to me? I guess I’m not understanding.

 

 

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Johnny Depp Wants Amber Heard To Pay Down $100K Of His Legal Fees
Johnny Depp Wants Amber Heard To Pay Down $100K Of His Legal Fees

 

You thought we were all done with the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard drama, huh? Please remember we are living in 2016. Allow nothing to surprise you. Especially a violent, chemical dependent human scarf  and his insane, asshole ex-wife.

Just a few days before Christmas, the Pirates of the Caribbean star’s legal team has filed new court documents requesting the actress pay monetary sanctions. In documents obtained by E! News, Johnny’s team alleges that Amber “continues to needlessly litigate a case which has been settled, all while parading in front of the media in a desperate attempt to extend her fifteen minutes of fame.” In the event that Amber fails to contribute $100,000 to Johnny’s attorney’s fees and costs as sanctions, Johnny asks that he be allowed to deduct the same from his next equalization payment.

Man, I wonder why he feels the need to do this. Oh, this is why.

Just last week, however, Amber’s legal team filed a Request for Order with the Los Angeles Superior Court in hopes of imposing the settlement and expediting Johnny’s payment.

As you recall, when they reached the settlement in August, both sides agreed that the full amount would be paid over the course of 12 months. It’s barely been 4. I’m sure the ACLA and Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles could use $7M, but I’m also sure they’ll be able to use it in August of 2017 as well. Pretty sure they’ll be children in hospital in 2017. In the meantime, Depp’s legal team went Faith Spotted Eagle* on Amber’s ass last week (* = savage).

In this week’s latest court documents, however, Johnny’s team argues that Amber is pursuing “public litigation” even after signing a judgment. “(1)Amber wants to maintain the media’s attention and thereby preserve her own fleeting relevance, and (2) Amber wants to secure a more favorable deal than she previously negotiated,” the documents stated.

Well damn, legal team. But this is what Amber Heard said last week:

Last week, however, a declaration written by Amber addressed the issues of confidentiality. “He also claimed that I violated the confidentiality provisions of the [Deal Point Memorandum] by announcing that I was donating my settlement to charities,” she wrote. “In fact, I made those donations in good faith and I was responding to the leaks by Johnny’s agents bragging that I had settled for substantially less than a reported, earlier offered sum and attempting to label me a gold digger.”

Like, I understand Depp abused Heard in some way. We all understand that. But you know what makes people label a gold digger? When Depp donated directly to the charity instead of handing her a check causing her to have a public meltdown. Do you want the charity to get the money or not? If not, just say so. Do I want to eat this last cinnamon roll or not? Yes, yes I do.

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Amber Heard Wants Johnny Depp To Pay $14M Now Because This Will Never End
Amber Heard Wants Johnny Depp To Pay $14M Now Because This Will Never End


Amber Heard and Johnny Depp agreed to a $7M divorce settlement in which Heard said she Johnny was donating to charity. Goddammit.  The six days later, Depp said “ok, cool” and cut the first $3.5M check to the ACLU per Heard’s request. Now Heard and her legal team want $7M more, because they apparently didn’t think this through. Goddammit. Why won’t this end? Please make this end. 

“Amber Heard appreciates Johnny Depp’s novel interest in supporting two of her favorite charities, the ACLU for domestic violence and the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles. This is great and unexpected news. However, if Johnny wishes to change the settlement agreement, we must insist that he honor the full amount by donating $14M to charity, which, after accounting for his tax deduction, is equal to his $7M payment obligation to Amber. We would also insist that the full amount be paid immediately and not drawn out over many years. Anything less would be a transparent attempt by Johnny’s counsel, Laura Wasser and Patti Glaser, to reduce their client’s true payment by half under the guise of newfound concern for charities that he has never previously supported.”

I can appreciate the passive aggressive bullshit right out the gate, but you negotiated for $7M and that’s what you should expect. You get a tax deduction when you donate to charity, so maybe you should have got the check and donated it yourself. Unless, of course, you’ve moved on from using the media as a weapon to using using battered women and sick kids. See? Shit like this is why Investigation Discovery can do 24 hour programming. 


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Johnny Depp Cut That $7M Check Already
Johnny Depp Cut That $7M Check Already


Amber Heard and Johnny Depp handled all their shit last week, and Heard announced she was donating her entire $7M settlement to charity. Depp has already cut the checks.

A rep for Johnny tells TMZ, “Following Amber Heard’s announcement that her divorce settlement was to be divided equally and gifted to Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles and the American Civil Liberties Union, two exceptionally deserving and important charities, Johnny Depp has sent the first of multiple installments of those monies to each charity in the name of Amber Heard, which when completed will honor the full amount of Ms. Heard’s pledge. Ms. Heard’s generosity in giving to these wonderful causes is deeply respected.”

Only the ACLU has received their cut yet, so obviously Depp hates sick children. The truth always come out. 

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Amber Heard Dropped Her Abuse Allegations Against Johnny Depp, Settled
Amber Heard Dropped Her Abuse Allegations Against Johnny Depp, Settled


A day before their restraining order hearing, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp reached a divorce settlement, and Heard has withdrew her domestic violence restraining order petition. They also released the most confusing joint statement I’ve ever read. 

“Our relationship was intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love. Neither party has made false accusations for financial gains. There was never an intent of physical or emotional harm. Amber wishes the best for Johnny in the future. Amber will be donating financial proceeds from the divorce to a charity.”

Uh, okay then. I guess the charity will be happy with whatever change she has left.  But here’s the thing. On August 6th, Heard showed up to her deposition and refused to answer questions and reportedly threw a tantrum. On August 12th, Heard flaked on her deposition yet again because she was “unable to arrange a flight“. However, she could arrange for that Johnny Depp video to be leaked that same night. We can question the timing of that if you want. We can also point out if the video was gender-swapped, Johnny Depp looks like at least two of my ex girlfriends. Dude was clearly on something. Then, of course today, they reached a settlement before the actual hearing. Heard doesn’t seem to want to get anything on official record for some reason. So here’s what we’ve learned: Johnny Depp is a violent asshole who throws shit AND Amber Heard is a gold digger. I’ll be honest, I didn’t see that one coming. 

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Winona Ryder Says Johnny Depp Never Abused Her, People Don’t Like That
Winona Ryder Says Johnny Depp Never Abused Her, People Don’t Like That


When Amber Heard accused Johnny Depp of domestic violence, all of Depp’s exes came out and were like,”Wait, Johnny? Johnny Johnny?”.  Everyone except Winona Ryder. That meant people found Ryder quotes from 25 years ago that, depending on which lens you happened to be looking through, totally meant Johnny Depp beat her. Ryder tells Time he didn’t.

I can only speak from my own experience, which was wildly different than what is being said. I mean, he was never, never that way towards me. Never abusive at all towards me. I only know him as a really good, loving, caring guy who is very, very protective of the people that he loves. It’s hard because I feel like—that’s my experience. And it’s been a very long time.

And since Winona Ryder deftly understands the hashtag world in which we now all live, attempted to make this an unproblematic as possible by saying her experience in no way represents Amber Heard’s. 

I don’t know how you feel about it, but it’s like anybody who says anything about it is a victim-blamer. I wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened. I’m not calling anyone a liar. I’m just saying, it’s difficult and upsetting for me to wrap my head around it. Look, it was a long time ago, but we were together for four years, and it was a big relationship for me. And we have a lot of mutual friends. I just never heard anything like that about him.

And she felt the need to reiterate that point. 

But, again, I feel like even saying that, I’m going to get death threats or something. I’m not on social media, so maybe I will be spared.

Nope. Not spared. Winona Ryder is just “another Johnny Depp ally”. We’re also told that Ryder’s experiences “aren’t relevant“. And we were also told that this was relevant.  You can see how this can get confusing when we’re being told that this is indeed relevant. Either none of it is relevant or all of it is. Either Johnny Depp physically and mentally abused Amber Heard or he didn’t. Either Amber Heard is a manipulative gold digger or she’s not. Either I finish this post now or I don’t. I guess the only way we can stop talking about this is when Johnny Depp and Amber Heard talk under oath, which neither of them apparently seem to have any interest in doing. At this point, maybe Amber Heard should just put out an album then marry Chris Brown then put out another album. Then marry Comcast and put out another one. I would say then marry Harambe, but he’s dead. #RIP


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Johnny Depp Won’t Say Shit
Johnny Depp Won’t Say Shit


Yay. Here’s more Johnny Depp and Amber Heard shit. Anyway, the restraining order trial is set for Friday. Johnny Depp won’t be saying much. 

Johnny Depp will NEVER testify Friday in the restraining order trial … he’ll take the 5th because he’s afraid he’ll say something that could get him prosecuted for domestic violence — that’s the take of the sources connected to Amber Heard’s case, but it may be a little unfair. Amber’s team believes they have the restraining order in the bank. Their thinking goes this way … Amber’s eager to testify, and if Johnny is mum, the judge has no choice but to grant the restraining order. Fact is … Amber triggered a police investigation, and it’s common practice for someone who’s in Johnny’s position to take the 5th in a civil case … even if there’s hard proof he’s innocent.

Christ, still with this fucking shit. Amber is “eager to testify” and has time to sent pics to People, but can’t sit down for a deposition because she had to go to an engagement party and a costume fitting. In a shocking twist, she won’t be back until the night before the trial. We’ve seen all her evidence, but for some reason, it just can’t make its way into courtroom. Weird. And the “homophobic” cop who arrested her in 2009 for domestic violence turned out to be an openly gay woman. Then she recently turned down $50K (her original request), because it included Johnny Depp’s request for his own restraining order against her. Which I assume he wants in place to ensure she doesn’t “accidentally” show up at a restaurant he’s at and accuse him of breaking her restraining order. We’ll probably find out when she sells the story to People. And she’s still living in the penthouse she was allegedly beat up in. I don’t get it.  WHY THE FUCK WON’T THIS END I NEED THIS TO END. 

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Amber Heard Is Pregnant
Amber Heard Is Pregnant


PLOT TWIST: $50K isn’t gonna cut it anymore, Johnny. Amber Heard is pregnant.

“One minute they were supposedly in love, and the next they’re practically at war,” an insider revealed to Star magazine. “It’d be a terrible situation to bring a baby into.” “Amber would definitely fight tooth and nail to get full custody — and she’d be able to use the child to grab even more money in the divorce settlement. Johnny can expect things to get a whole lot worse.” “Given all he’s put her through, she’s gunning for half of his $400 million fortune. She believes she should be heavily compensated for her pain and even more so with a baby on board.”

Whew. That was a fun read, huh? Lots of twists and turns and a lot of stuff about money. I realize this is from Star and they talked to “an insider”, but we’ve been believing those to this point, so maybe this insider just wanted to talk to Star. Let’s not judge. The lobby at People is probably full anyway.


 “God? It’s me. Amber.”

“Fuck scarves get money”



(h/t Hollywood Life)

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Johnny Depp Was A Drunk Asshole Outside A Denmark Bar Last Night
Johnny Depp Was A Drunk Asshole Outside A Denmark Bar Last Night


Apparently we’ve been giving Johnny Depp‘s PR team too much credit, because when your client is allegedly a violent, drunk asshole, it helps when he’s not photographed being a violent, drunk asshole. Like he was at a concert after-party in Denmark last night. 

The star, 52, allegedly had a tense moment with a bodyguard who was trying to persuade him to go back inside the hotel bar at around 2.30am at the concert after-party in Denmark. But Depp seemed more interested in ‘drinking and smoking a lot’ with the blonde woman, according to observers. ‘Johnny was in a party mood that’s for sure,’ said one observer.

Now, the headline of this Daily Mail article implies Depp and his bodyguard got into “a row”. I thought “a row” and “a fight” meant the same thing. Maybe not.

‘His bodyguard had his hand on his shoulder and was trying to get him to go back inside, but Johnny refused to go.’….’More and more fans came up to him and he wanted to talk to all of them and take selfies with them. ‘And the bodyguard got more and more persistent but Johnny didn’t want to go. He was in a mood to celebrate for sure. ‘And he definitely drank his fair share of alcohol.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that was a row/fight, but I’d definitely say that Johnny Depp is a violent, unhinged drunk, who likes to show people close to him who’s boss when he’s a few champagne bottles deep. Coincidentally, exactly the way Amber Heard described him. You could even make the case that she only mentioned the drug and alcohol problem to give Depp a second chance to avoid media scrutiny by taking his drunk ass to rehab before shit got real. It’s so real right now, that Amber Heard has given E! screenshots of 2014 texts messages from Depp’s supposed assistant, Stephen Deuters. Fair warning, he wasn’t texting Amber to apologize for the all the times Johnny pissed on the toilet seat. He was apologizing for all the times Depp beat her like she was a stray dog. Should I have immediately believed her? Maybe. I also immediately believed this when it happened. I also once believed that Noah fit two of every species on a boat. A wood boat. Are with you fucking with me, grandma? Live and learn, my friends. 

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