Scarlett Johansson Says John Travolta Isn’t Creepy

John Travolta is gay, so when people freaked out over him smelling Scarlett Johansson‘s essence at the Oscars, I didn’t really pay attention to it, because John Travolta is gay. I just want to make that point clear that everyone seems to forget. John Travolta is gay. Anyway, I guess is got so bad that Johansson felt the need to release a statement.

“There is nothing strange, creepy or inappropriate about John Travolta,” Johansson told the Associated Press on Thursday, in an apparently unprompted statement in which she referred to her former co-star as a “class act”. The statement continued: “The image that is circulating is an unfortunate still-frame from a live-action encounter that was very sweet and totally welcome. That still photo does not reflect what preceded and followed if you see the moment live. Yet another way we are misguided, misinformed and sensationalised by the 24-hour news cycle. I haven’t seen John in some years and it is always a pleasure to be greeted by him.”

I really have nothing to add to this story except that dress is white and gold. It’s also ugly as hell. Let’s move on.

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John Travolta Banged His Dude Pilot For 6 Years

“BREAKING NEWS: John Travolta is a deviant queer who can’t keep his hands off cock.” – 1978 – 2012. Radar Online reports:

Travolta and Doug Gotterba were lovers in the 1980s, according to Travolta’s former secretary and Gotterba’s ex boyfriend. The article is in the new issue of the National Enquirer, which hits newsstands Friday. Joan Edwards was Travolta’s secretary from 1978 to 1994 and is the first ex-employee to publicly say the actor is gay. “I did everything for him, including taking care of his personal and professional schedules. Of course I knew he was gay. It never bothered me…But Gotterba’s post-Travolta boyfriend, Robert Britz tells The Enquirer, “Doug told me right at the beginning of our relationship that he’d had a homosexual relationship with John Travolta in the 1980s. Doug said John was constantly grabbing at his genital area, but he put up with John’s sexual advances because working for him was ‘lucrative.’” Britz also reveals that he was shown home video of Gotterba and Travolta in a hotel room. “I personally saw about two minutes of Doug’s home video showing John Travolta sitting at the end of a bed with his shirt off. There were plates of food in front of him. The video appeared to be shot in a hotel room. Doug made it clear that it was very lucrative for him to be what he called John’s ‘personal right hand man’ and homosexual partner,” he said.

Is this really even a story anymore? It’s John Travolta and he’s spent the majority of his life in Hollywood. In case you didn’t know, 90% of all men you see in movies, plays, television shows, or commercials have a had a penis that wasn’t theirs in or around they’re mouths and anus at some point. Of course, I have no evidence to back any of this up, but please keep in mind that all these men at some point in high school signed up drama club and/or the choir.

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John Travolta Tried To Jack Off His Masseuse

A masseuse is suing John Travolta for $2 million plus punitive damages after he claims the actor tried to jack him off then masturbated after he was told no. Well, okay then. TMZ reports:

According to the suit, Travolta and the masseur, who says he saw Trojan condoms in the center console, drove to the Beverly Hills Hotel and went to Travolta’s bungalow. The suit claims Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur’s leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis. The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a “reverse massage,” adding, “Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!!!” The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was “due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days,” adding “Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”

I wish I could say something funnier than everything in that blockquote, but I just checked, and as it turns out, that’s impossible. But I just took my dog out and she barked at a plastic toy bat that was on the ground for five minutes. So that was pretty cool I guess. I don’t know. It just seems like these two stories parallel each somehow.

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John Travolta Tried To Make A Reservation At KFC

It’s late, you haven’t made dinner plans. You’re craving the Colonel’s blend of 11 herbs and spices, but you don’t want to have to sit at the bar and wait for a table to clear, so you call ahead to see if somebody canceled their reservation. We’ve all been there. The Sun reports:

HOLLYWOOD star John Travolta wanted to book a table at a British KFC restaurant — and was turned down. An aide of the 57-year-old Pulp Fiction actor phoned to make the request at East Grinstead, West Sussex. But a worker who answered said it was not company policy to allow bookings and Travolta would “just have to join the queue”. He was in the town last weekend for a Scientology bash at nearby Saint Hill Manor. A KFC spokesman said last night: “In hindsight, of course, we would have reserved a table for him.”

Everybody in this story is aware that KFC has a speaker out front a guy named T’wan inside right now putting chicken under a heat lamp, right? And everybody knows U’Nique is in the back telling the manager not to be talkin’ to her like that. She can’t help her baby be sick. Oh, hell naw uh uh. Everyone understands this, right? And everybody see Carlos? The guy carrying the mop and the wet floor sign? That’s not the maître d’ either. None of them mind if YOU JUST WALK THE FUCK IN.

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John Travolta Is A Civil War Undead Vampire Time Traveler

Earlier this month, I posted a picture of Nicolas Cage from the Civil War proving that the undead walk among us. Now, here’s John Travolta. Presumably with his original hairline.

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Kelly Preston Is A Mindless Robot

On January 3, 2009, Jett Travolta, the son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, died at the age of 16 after suffering a seizure and hitting his head in the bathroom of his parents’ vacation home. During his life, Jett Travolta was basically a recluse because he suffered from autism, a fact that John Travolta only admitted after his son died. Why did he wait that long? Because Travolta and Kelly Preston are Scientologists. And since autism is generally treated with antidepressant and antipsychotic medications, they chose to place Jett on a “detox regimen” and told people he suffered from Kawasaki syndrome (found most commonly in Japanese kids under the age of 5). Why not give their son proper treatment? Because Scientology believes the practice of psychiatry is destructive and abusive and must be abolished. So keep that in mind when you read an interview Kelly Preston gave to Health magazine crediting Scientology for helping her through the death of her son. Yes, you read that right. Huffington Post reports:

The actress and mother to 11-year-old Ella Bleu and baby boy, Benjamin told Health magazine’s September issue that the Scientology center was her rock during her most difficult times: “I don’t know if I would have made it through without [the Scientology center]. We’ve been able to navigate through it and to come to a place that is a lot better.” This isn’t the first time that Preston has made her devotion to Scientology public. Preston previously sang her praises to Scientology’s founder on the “Today” show: “L. Ron Hubbard found that the single source of aberration, of psychosomatic illnesses, stress, fears, worry, things like that, have to do with the reactive mind, and in that part of the mind is different words and commands that can come back to affect you later in your life. I’m blessed with, my kids have always been amazing, very calm, very peaceful, happy, and I absolutely know that it’s very much because of that.”

Kelly, I hate to point this out, but SCIENTOLOGY KILLED YOUR FUCKING SON! You can hug Jesus or L. Ron Hubbard all you want, but when they hinder your ability to make logical and informed medical decisions, it’s time to reevaluate what purpose those beliefs and faith are trying to serve. I don’t care if Jesus did walk on water. Praying won’t fix my torn ACL. Beer and painkillers have worked a whole lot better than Jesus so far.

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Kelly Preston Is Giving Birth

Actress and longtime beard of John Travolta, Kelly Preston, is giving birth to the couple’s third child. Radar Online reports:

John Travolta has rushed home from a promotional trip in Australia after receiving word that pregnant wife Kelly Preston has gone into labor.

The 56-year-old Grease star was due in Perth for a charity event but abruptly cancelled to pilot his own flight back to the United States.

Travolta made good on his promise that if his Preston “goes into labor, I’ll have to take the plane straight back on a 22-hour flight”.

Their baby wasn’t due until November 26, but like me, it popped out just a little prematurely. Because seriously, who the fuck wants to be a Sagittarius?

Here’s Kelly Brook at the EMAs, because she and Kelly Preston have the same first name and both spark premature things.

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John Travolta Is Still Gay

Wow, I had no idea. Thanks Examiner.

According to [The Enquirer’s] recent story, Travolta is just a big ol’ bear with a mad lust for dudes. According to professional Hollywood gay-outing fun ruiner Robert Randolph, who is conveniently publishing a book on the subject, “I have no doubt that John Travolta is a sex addict. I’ve heard from many men who have either had gay sex with John or saw him having gay sex in health spas, steam rooms, locker rooms, you name it.”… Randolph says he anticipates at least fifty men to step forward, and those are only the ones willing to say they banged Travolta.

It’s no secret that John Travolta has been giving garglejobs since the days of Danny Zuko, so I’m kinda wondering what all the fuss is (more…)

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John Travolta Finally Admits His Son Was Autistic

In January of this year, three people (Bahamian Minister of Tourism Obie Wilchcombe, Former Senator for the Bahamian Progressive Liberal Party Pleasant Bridgewater, and ambulance driver Tarino Lightbourne) were arrested for their attempt to extort $25M from John Travolta after his son, Jett Travolta, died after having a massive seizure at the actor’s vacation home in the Bahamas. If Travolta refused, the three conspirators would release the 16-year old’s medical records. Jett Travolta was long believed to have suffered from autism (the great Mark Ebner and always fantastic Jenny were all over this two years ago), a diagnosis Travolta refused to admit or provide proper treatment for due to his Scientology beliefs, instead insisting that Jett had Kawasaki disease. Yesterday, while on the stand during the extortion trial, Travolta finally admitted his son was autistic. LA Times reports:
John Travolta finally revealed in a Bahamian courtroom what he was never able to say publicly when his son, Jett, was alive. “He was autistic,” Travolta told the court during the extortion trial. “He suffered from a seizure disorder.” Travolta said Jett suffered seizures every five to 10 days and that each seizure lasted around 45 seconds. Jett would often sleep for 12 hours after an episode.

I’m going to take a step back from being a ruthless jackass who tells unfunny jokes, to say that as much as I hate Scientology and everything it does to families and people looking to belong to something, I actually feel bad for John Travolta. Faith and beliefs can be a powerful thing, but when they hinder your ability to make logical and informed medical decisions, it’s time to reevaluate what purpose those beliefs and faith are trying to serve. I’m in no way associated with any Autism awareness groups, but my best friend has a child with autism, and instead of living in denial, he and his wife have dealt with it, and have given their child proper medical care and therapy. And he’s one of the sweetest kids you’ll ever want to meet. My opinions of Travolta aside, I hope he and the rest of his family can somehow learn to accept this tragedy and salvage the remainder of their lives and that Jett can have the peace he never had in life.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston at the extortion hearing in the Bahamas yesterday:

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Travolta Stuff

As you may already know, Jett Travolta, the 16-year old son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, died on Friday of blunt trauma to the head after he suffered a seizure in the bathroom of his family’s Bahama vacation home. As you may not already know, I look awesome in turtlenecks! Anyway, here’s all the Travolta crap that happened this weekend. Brace yourself:

Jett had seizures every four days that were “like death” except when, you know, they were “very much like death”. [TMZ]

The EMT who responded to the scene says Travolta and Preston begged Jett to wake up in the ambulance. He also noticed Travolta’s hair. [FOXNews]

“The Scientology celebrity ethics officer would also actively look for one or more people in the Travoltas’ circle of friends, acquaintances who might be antagonistic to or even anti-Scientology and who could have had sufficient negative influence to “cause” such a tragedy. That person would then be the target of possible disconnection (shunning), firing or lawsuit/fair game.” Sweet! [Why We Protest]

Jett’s two nannies, Jeff and Ana Kathrein, left him unattended for 10 hours. What could go wrong? [TMZ]

Jeff Kathrein (banner picture) is John Travolta’s long-time rumored live in gay lover. [Gawker]

Ana Kathrein is a Grade III Scientologist and a wedding photographer. Man, how did they get someone with such qualifications to take care of their son who suffered from several severe medical conditions? Just lucky I guess! [Gawker]

Travolta and Preston have released a statement. It made kitty sad. [US Magazine]

The autopsy results may be available today. Hopefully it will be able to solve the mystery of how a person can die from having a seizure then banging their head on a bathtub. I just can’t figure it out! [USA Today]

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