Katy Perry And John Mayer Broke Up Again

Yeah, so Katy Perry and John Mayer have split for the fourth time. You know, like maybe this wasn’t meant to be and stuff.

In what might be the most accurate form of life imitating art, we offer you Katy Perry and John Mayer’s roller coaster relationship. These two have been up and down (or “hot and cold,” if you will) for years now, and E! News has exclusively learned from a source close to the couple that they’ve called it quits again.

Katy Perry has big boobs. That’s pretty much it. Oh and a rumored raging coke problem. Which is probably why she nodded and hit send on this tweet thinking it read like Cormac McCarthy. She and John Mayer (mostly John Mayer) were supposed to write a Taylor Swift diss track in response to Taylor Swift’s Katy Perry diss track, but wow I’m already bored with this so I’m stopping now.

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John Mayer Is Helping Katy Perry Write A Song About Taylor Swift

Katy Perry and John Mayer were seen together at Disneyland this week, so if Katy’s plan was to take Mayer to the happiest place on Earth then rub her titties in his face, it apparently worked because he’s helping her write her own diss track, a response to Taylor Swift‘s  “Bad Blood”, because Katy Perry is a child. Also, please keep in mind that both Katy Perry and John Mayer are both over 30.

Katy Perry was noticeably absent from the Billboards because, well, Taylor Swift…But apparently K-Pez was all set to go to the awards (she had an eyelash appointment and everything!), but boyfriend (and ex-boyfriend of Taylor Swift) John Mayer persuaded her not to go. “John convinced her it was a bad idea,” Katy’s friend told heat magazine. “Katy realised she couldn’t stand the idea of the cameras being on her face as she had to watch Taylor win every award with all her friends applauding her.” “Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold,” the friend added. “She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’ – she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date. “Katy’s sure that she’ll be back on top before long, and Taylor will regret ever starting this stupid row.”

I’m not sure you can call it a “diss track” if somebody else writes it for you, bit Katy Perry is a Christian, so revenge is kinda what they’re known for besides potlucks and being obsessed with gay sex instead of child molesters. I guess they good thing about Mayer writing this is that it won’t be a three-minute string of cliches that she randomized to kinda rhyme.  Also, again, Katy Perry is 30 years old. Her burn book is still on MySpace.

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John Mayer’s Penis Broke Up Giada De Laurentiis’ Marriage

The Internet says it was a “shock” and a “bombshell divorce announcement” that Giada De Laurentiis (the chick with the titties who cooks Italian food) and her husband, Todd Thompson (no relation), filed for divorce after 11 years of marriage. But John Mayer’s path of penis destruction doesn’t care about the sanctity of marriage or if some chick’s titties shouldn’t coveted.

 Though the couple’s filings offered little clue as to the reason for the split, RadarOnline.com has learned that there have been cracks in the marriage for years. In fact, according to one previous report, De Laurentiis cheated on her husband back in 2010 — with singer John Mayer! De Laurentiis and Mayer worked together at a charity event hosted by Tiger Woods in 2007, and two years later, blogs were rife with outrageous claims that they were hooking up. But speculation reached a fever pitch in 2010 with an explosive report in Star magazine. On October 9, 2010, the mag claimed, De Laurentiis and Mayer crossed paths at the exclusive Boom Boom Room at The Standard hotel. “Almost as soon as they saw each other, they left the room moments apart,” an eyewitness said at the time. “Giada was leaning with her back against the wall, and John was right up against her,” the source told the magazine. “Giada was holding his hand and she just had a huge grin on her face. John had one hand on the small of her back. They looked like two people who were going to go home together.” Another eyewitness allegedly spotted the two not long after at the Plunge lounge atop the nearby Hotel Gasevoort, where they were “extremely touchy-feely.” They soon disappeared into another of the hotel’s suites, the magazine reported, where Mayer ordered up ice buckets and towels at 1:30 a.m. Around 3 a.m., a source said at the time, De Laurentiis was seen leaving.

Maybe they banged, maybe they didn’t. But they probably did. If they did, good for him and bad for her, I guess. I’m just more concerned right now with this picture that John Mayer posted on Instagram two days ago. Like, did he think we wouldn’t notice? Has Harrison Ford tracked down and killed the one on the left yet?

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Taylor Swift Is Probably Banging John Mayer Again
Taylor Swift Is Probably Banging John Mayer Again

 

Since Taylor Swift has undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder,  she writes songs calling out all her ex-boyfriends where nothing is ever her fault even though she’s always the common denominator. Usually she’s cool with being passive aggressive, but she specifically wrote a song called “Dear John”. A song that was clearly about John Mayer. People say “Shake It Off” is about John Mayer, but I don’t know, I’ve never heard it. However, John Mayer likes vagina, so none of this really matters either way.  Anyway, they hung out last night and Taylor had her blowjob lipstick on.

OMG! Taylor Swift was spotted leaving Chateau Marmont on Aug. 20 — at the same time as her ex, John Mayer! This is the same ex that Taylor dissed in not one, but two songs, including her latest hit, ‘Shake It Off!’ Are they back together? This is a little too much to be coincidental! John Mayer, 36, and Taylor Swift were both dining at LA hotspot, Chateau Marmont. New photos have surfaced of them leaving and the 24-year-old singer looks happy, regardless of the fact that she was just at the same spot as the ex who really hurt her! Did they eat dinner together? Taylor Swift & John Mayer Back Together In the pics, John is dressed in a bright blue suit and is sporting very Johnny Depp-like glasses, while Taylor looks cute in black and her signature red lips — perfect for a date!

Are Taylor Swift and John Mayer secretly having sex? ISIS should hold Justin Bieber captive until we as Americans have some answers. I’m not really sure what this will accomplishment exactly, but if nothing else, Bieber gets his head cut off.

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Katy Perry And John Mayer Split
Katy Perry And John Mayer Split

 

"That new chick who showed up in my Snapchat top 3 is just a friend, baby. A friend I banged for a few weeks."

 

Oh, love. What a funny thing. E! online reports:

Katy Perry and John Mayer have called it quits. A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days. No other details about what prompted the "Dark Horse" singer's decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry's side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.  Despite some early ups and down, the musical pair fast became one of Hollywood's hottest couples, sweetly gushing about each other in interviews and collaborating on the song "Who You Love," off of Mayer's latest album, Paradise Valley.

John Mayer is a white dude with short hair and sleeve tattoos who is out of town a lot, and sometomes his job makes him be out of town for up to a year at a time. If Katy Perry thought he wasn't banging other people, then she doesn't just look and sound dumb, she's actually dumb. Because when you have a penis, it really doesn't matter how big your girlfriend's ass or boobs are, somebody in your general area have just as good or better. As it turns out, there's hot chicks in every city and country. Oh, I know! I couldn't believe myself.

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Katy Perry And John Mayer Are Getting Married

When you're raised in a strict Christian home, all you want to do when you leave is pop your tits out, sing about being a fake lesbian, then marry a heroin and sex addict. And when that doesn't work out, you start dating a Neil Young wannabe who has probably banged most of your friends and your friends' friends. Then after he breaks up with you twice, the only thing you want to do is marry him because obviosuly he's the one. So, congrats to Katy Perry and John Mayer, I guess. E! reports:

Katy Perry and John Mayer's relationship may be the dark horse to watch out for when it comes to the celebrity race to the altar. The artists are "very serious" about each other, a source tells E! News, and we're hearing that those close to the couple wouldn't be surprised if they got engaged in the not-so-distant future. Well, then!

I guess I'll believe it when I see it, but is there any reason why John Mayer is marrying this chick? From what I've read about him, I assumed he enjoys having sex. Marriage isn't really conducive to that.

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‘Roar’ Is About John Mayer
‘Roar’ Is About John Mayer

 

"This bird I rented symbolizes my inner strength and what not. Also, look at my boobs."

 

In an interview with Jameela Jamil at BBC, Katy Perry basically said her dumb song "Roar" is about John Mayer.

“Roar is a song I wrote as I was a little bit upset. I found myself having a break with my boyfriend, who I loved very much and it really hurt my heart. said to myself, ‘I need to see what is going on with me and make sure I’m all good.’ When you break up with someone it’s easy to say they are crazyand think it’s all them, but, honestly, maybe there is 50 percent responsibility on your behalf. It was just time for me to be honest with myself.”

Man, John Mayer must be feeling the sick burn after he broke Katy Perry's heart then she went online to a Cliche Randomizer and wrote the lyrics to "Roar". Did he even know that she "stood for nothing, so I fell for everything"? Bro, how could you not know that she "went from zero, to my own hero" or that she was "scared to rock the boat and make a mess"? Did you even know that she Googled Muhammad Ali quotes and 80's soundtracks and found  "I’m floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee" and "I got the eye of the tiger"?  Dude. She was in pain. She was in so much pain that she wanted to be a Nazi scientist and splice the DNA of said tiger with that of a lion? John, do you even listen? You should, the lyrics are pretty stupid.

 

 

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Katy Perry Is On John Mayer’s New Album
Katy Perry Is On John Mayer’s New Album

 

"Yeah, bro. I got this sweet bandana from the Steve Ray Vaughn Collection at Kohl's. My Neil Young hat is so last year."

 

I guess one of the drawbacks of banging Katy Perry then dumping her then talking her in to banging her again so you can dump her again the net week, is that sometimes you have to make promises like "guuurl, you can be on my next album. Now show me them titties."  So here's John Mayer and Katy Perry doing "Who You Love" on his new album, Paradise Valley: I'm Doing Country Now. And just so you don't forget the name of the song, they say it 5,898 times in four minutes. Quality songwriting, bro.

 

 

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John Mayer Is Back On These Again
John Mayer Is Back On These Again

 

So, John Mayer and Katy Perry are back together again. For the third time. Must be true love hahaha jk. The Sun reports:

The stars – who split for the second time in March – are said to be casually dating again. A source revealed: “They are just hanging out. They are not putting a label on it.” The couple were spotted out on an intimate date at the weekend and have spent several recent nights together, according to US reports.

For those of you who need this translated, all this means is that Katy Perry finally understands what she is in this relationship and she has finally accepted John Mayer's profession of love. With that profession being, "Look, I like seeing your boobs on occassion and also like seeing other chicks' boobs on occassion, so let's just hang out and let me see you naked then I'll leave and then I'll text you when I want to see you naked again. I'll string you along just enough that will make you believe that a relationship with me is possible, so you'll be more apt to let me see your boobs because you think THIS time will be the time I finally figure out I can't live without you and I'll fall in love with you. But as I mentioned before, boobs." I hope this clears all this up.

 

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Gwyneth Paltrow Was Voted The Most Hated Celebrity In Hollywood

In a poll conducted by Star Magazine, Gwyneth Paltrow was named the Most Hated Celebrity. Why? Because she's completely hateable and an overall vile and pretentious human being who would probably kill herself if she if somebody showed her a picture of a Taco Bell. Anyway, here's the rest of the Top 10.


1. Gwyneth Paltrow
2. Kristen Stewart
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. John Mayer
5. Katherine Heigl
6. Matt Lauer
7. Madonna
8. Justin Bieber
9. Anne Hathaway
10. Kris Jenner

Not sure why Chris Brown or Tom Hanks aren't ranked higher. Especially Tom Hanks. I read a story last week that said he has a farm where he makes Cambodian orphans drown puppies. It was pretty terrible.

 

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