Tina Simpson Wrote A Suicide Note, Planned To Kill Herself And Joe Simpson

If you ever wondered what would happen to a pastor's wife if she found out that her husband of 35 years was gay the whole time and was currently banging a 21-year old model, the answer is simple,  she would plan a murder/suicide instead of praying. Radar Online reports:

Shortly before traveling to New York to confront Joe, 52, about his tryst with 21-year-old model Bryce Chandler Hill in August 2012, Tina scrawled a cry-for-help letter threatening to shoot herself after she discovered her husband’s homosexual tendencies, a source close to the situation tells Radar exclusively. Tina left the note in the Encino home she shared with Joe and he found it! Joe immediately handed it to his lawyers who were handling his divorce proceedings. “Tina was so distraught when she found out about Joe’s secret gay affair, she immediately wrote a suicide note,” a source close to the Simpson family tells Radar. “It was fairly detailed and she said she wanted to shoot herself for what Joe had done to their 35-year marriage. Worse still, Tina wanted to shoot Joe as well. She was just so angry with him.

Proving he's a bottom bitch, Joe Simpson took the suicide note to his LAWYERS instead, I don't know, getting the woman who gave birth to his kids and stood by him even when he frosted his tips the help and care she needed. Way to be there, Joe. Also, why didn't Jessica just eat the suicide note before anybody had the chance to see it? Does she normally do that with things?

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Joe Simpson’s Gay Prostitute Is Giving Interviews Now



“Oh, haaaayyyyy.” – Joe Simpson

As you already know, Joe Simpson is a youth pastor who has devoted his life to God and his family. Hahaha, I meant he trolls and pays for gay sex with male prostitutes named “Joey”. Radar Online reports:

The explosive bombshell comes from the National Enquirer, who spoke with 32-year-old Joey Anderson, a New York City-based male escort who passed a polygraph test recounting a steamy three-hour tryst with Joe at the Mandarin Oriental hotel in May. “Over the course of two hours or so, we rolled around, kissed and gave each other oral,” Joey told the Enquirer. “We’d take breathers and then start up all over again. He seemed to have an insatiable appetite for sex and never really appeared tired.” The former Baptist minister was “very much pleased” with the session, according to Joey, and paid him $600 “for my time, not for sexual services.”

So, good luck not thinking about Joe Simpson on the floor blowing some dude for $600. Happy Halloween, everyone!

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So, Joe Simpson Is Gay. It All Makes Sense Now



On September 24, Tina Simpson filed for divorce after 34 years of marriage to Joe Simpson citing “irreconcilable differences”. Those differences being they both like penis. Radar Online reports:

According to a bombshell new report, Jessica Simpson’s world was turned upside-down when her manager-dad Joe Simpson re­cently dropped a bomb on his unsuspecting family: An insider says he confessed he’s gay! And not only has a family source told The National Enquirer that 54-year-old Joe came out of the closet, the source says the former youth pastor and Baptist minister has a 20-some­thing boy toy! The stunning confession was the real reason wife Tina filed for divorce from Joe, her husband of 34 years, in late September, the Enquirer reports. “Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet,” an insider divulged. “He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. “Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”... Meanwhile, Joe has been spiraling out of control for some time. He was busted for drunk driving in Sher­man Oaks, Calif., on August 4. “The police report stated that there was someone else in the car with Joe,” said a source close to the Simpson family. “Some reports have stated it was Tina, but now the belief is that it may well have been a boyfriend.”

Youth pastor, frosted tips, and laughing about his daughter’s boobs. Not sure why we didn’t all pick up on this before.

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Joe Simpson Is Single, Ladies



If you’re into effeminate church pastors who whore out their daughters and stare at their tits, Joe and Tina Simpson are in the process of finalizing their divorce. In related news, Jessica Simpson is the process of finalizing a Baconator.

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Joe Simpson Wins

Guess who’s being blamed for the Pete WentzAshlee Simpson split? From Pop Eater:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had lunch together with son Bronx in Beverly Hills this week, giving some hope to shell-shocked friends that they might reconsider their divorce. Insiders tell me, however, that’s not going to happen if Ashlee’s dad, Joe Simpson, has his way.

“Just like when Jessica split from Nick, Joe is doing nothing to encourage Ashlee to give the marriage another try, if only for the sake of her son,” an insider tells me. “Joe likes being the only man in his daughters’ lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick.”

Whatever. Ashlee Simpson (more…)

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Joe Simpson Is Brief



Because “So very happy for Jess and Eric. May they have a lifetime of joy and happiness. Because, who are we kidding? She’s fat as hell now, but at least her tits are still massive. Oh, and she’s rich. Don’t forget that. I know she bought her own engagement ring and put up fliers after her dog was taken by a coyote because coyotes usually take dogs for ransom and don’t eat them but Eric really loves her. Especially when she gave him his own debit card with two kittens holding hands on a rainbow on the front. Damn, she’s fat. Did I say that already? I did? I mean, it’s pretty noticeable, right? Look at her head. It looks like a jack-o-lantern. She used to be hot, right? Fuck.” is more than 140 characters.

Note: Just got this email: “My dearest Todd, A coworker of mine is related to Eric Whathisface, current Jessica Simpson squeeze. He’s from the Philadelphia area, so am I, so is my coworker, blah blah blah She told us yesterday that Jessica and he got engaged. The engagement was on 11/11 at 11:11 in the morning. I shit you not. That’s really all the info I had, but as soon as I heard the news I immediately thought of your reaction.” At least it will be easy for Jessica to remember.

Jessica Simpson posing with the ring she bought herself at Dilard’s. I repeat, Dilard’s:

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Papa Joe Simpson Wants One Million Dollars



Always on the lookout for new and exciting ways to whore out his daughters, Joe Simpson has reportedly been contacting all of the celebrity gossip magazines and demanding $1 million in exchange for an exclusive interview with Ashlee Simpson regarding her pregnancy. As expected, his pitch was met with an enthusiastic “Meh.” Page Six reports:

The deal would include photos of Ashlee – taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money – an interview and photos of the baby when she has it,” our source said. Sadly, there is some interest – but not for anything close to $1 million. One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch “$60,000 maybe – but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album [‘Bittersweet World’] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee’s lucky she got pregnant, frankly.” But even with the marriage announcement, “Joe has an unrealistic expectation of what Ashlee can command,” the editor said.”

If a magazine actually agrees to pay for this, they should at least have the decency to have pictures of that money in a big garbage bag being dunked in gasoline and taken up into space and launched towards the sun. You know, just to clear up any misconception that they just completely fucking wasted $60,000.

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Ashlee Simpson Screwed Mariah Carey



Like most lead singles, Touch My Body, Mariah Carey’s first single off her new album, E=MC2, was released prior to the album’s official launch date of April 15th, but several more tracks have been suspiciously leaked online. Why, who hatched this diabolical scheme? Ashlee Simpson, of course. KBS Radio says:

Industry insiders believe Ashlee Simpson’s camp may be responsible for leaking songs off Mariah Carey’s new album in hopes of it creating less competition for the 23-year-old, whose album drops a week after the record-setting “diva.” A source told MSNBC, “Joe Simpson has every right to be nervous about Ashlee going up against Mariah. They are backed into a corner with this release date since they already changed it once. Their only option in fighting the Mariah machine would be to create a way to make the album’s release less newsworthy.”…Simpson’s Bittersweet World was originally set to be released in late 2007, but at the last minute was pushed back to April 22, 2008.”

Ashlee Simpson’s album must be coming out in some sort of magical realm of fairies and dragons, because I’m pretty sure that on Earth, Ashlee Simpson’s autotuned empty-calorie snack isn’t much competition for Mariah Carey. It’d be like a regular shark fighting a mutant genetically engineered shark. Sure, they’re technically both sharks, but it will become painfully obvious pretty fast that one of them might have somewhat of a disadvantage.

Pete Wentz, in shoes, is 5’1″.

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Jessica Simpson Hates Fat People



Since she has refused to settle a $10 million lawsuit with the owner of Speedfit because she failed to give final approval on a workout video, Jessica Simpson has now caused her father/manager/pimp, Joe Simpson, to be named as a defendant. Page Six reports:

In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company. Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million – and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well. Astilean said, “They are hurting millions of fat people in America.” Simpson’s rep said, “It’s a legal matter that’s in the hands of attorneys.”

This workout video must be pretty bad, because please keep in mind that this is the same Jessica Simpson who thought Blonde Ambition would “open people’s eyes in Hollywood.” The only way this video could be worse than her last movie is if somebody recorded an episode of Deal or No Deal over it at some point.

Pro Bowl week in Hawaii:

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Jessica Simpson Had Some Help



Man, I wonder how a swarm of paparazzi knew the exact time and the exact location of Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson’s vacation in Cabo San Lucas? Hmm…what ever could be the answer to this great mystery? New York Daily News reports:

Joe is well-known for his deals with the paparazzi, where the family gets a cut from the sales of the photographs,” says an insider. “Nobody would have known that Tony was down in Mexico with Jessica if there hadn’t been those pictures everywhere. So a lot of people suspect he tipped off the photographers, causing Tony this huge headache.”…”When you date Jessica, you date Joe, too,” says the source.”

Really? That sounds great, so I should probably get started working on my Eli Manning impersonation to get Jessica Simpson to go out with me. I’m not gonna lie, it’s always been a dream of mine to date a girl whose dad frosts his tips and plays with her ass. He can say stuff like, “Wow, look at those tits!”, and I won’t have to get mad because I know he really loves her.

Jessica looking confused in her car on January 11th:

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