Extra stopped Jessica Simpson on the red carpet for the Teen Vogue 10th Annual Fashion University, and they probably should have helped her stand up, because she obviously put cocaine in her Fireballs before coming out. If this guy had talked to her for like two more minutes, she probably would have let him stick it in her butt.
Just like it’s target demographic, the married, white mother whose prime has long past, Jessica Simpson reenacted Fifty Shades of Grey with her husband Eric Johnson on Instagram. She called it “FIFTY SHADES OF JOHNSON”, but these pics aren’t of her kneeling on a tarp surrounded by cocks of different ethnicity, so maybe she should have thought of a better name that didn’t have a built in joke.
People says this is a “sexy swimsuit pic”, and they’re right. There’s nothing sexier than an alcoholic 34-year old mother of two holding a drink and forgetting to cover up the big ass bruise on her leg. Anyway, Jessica Simpson changed her last name. But only on Instagram, because I assume it would take too long to change all the signs to “Jessica Johnson” at Macy’s.
Pic source = Instagram
All you really have to do is Google to realize that Jessica Simpson has been a raging alcoholic since she’s been old enough to drink, but in a plot twist, she’s been smart enough to keep it under wraps. Unlike her bacherlorette party last month where was obliterated and it got caught on video. She also got shitfaced the night before her wedding.
While Jess and Eric’s wedding was certainly low-key in terms of celebrity nuptials, the couple planned to party with family and friends for three days, beginning with a lavish rehearsal dinner on July 3. Unfortunately, sources say Jess committed a rookie mistake and got plastered on night one of the celebration, leaving her in rough shape for the big day. Yes, Jess was a mess, and she reportedly made no effort to hide it from her bridesmaids: “While she was getting ready, Jess kept joking about how much her head hurt,” says one witness of Jess’ pre-wedding preparation. This might also explain her flubbed wedding vows, although that could also be chalked up to the simple fact that this is Jessica Simpson.
Look, I’m all for dumb blondes with huge tits who are unable to remember the night before, but would I marry one? Probably not. Wait, how much is Jessica Simpson worth again? Why would you say such bad things about her? What’s wrong with you?
After living in sin for four years and having two illegitimate children, Jessica Simpson made an honest man out of Eric Johnson by officially making him a househusband on Saturday. Congrats to the happy couple and congrats to Eric Johnson for unlimited use of that tongue.
It's official! Jessica Simpson tied the knot with former NFL player Eric Johnson at the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara, California. "We are overwhelmed with complete happiness and love having made our eternal commitment," the newlyweds told PEOPLE in an exclusive statement on Saturday. "To say 'I do' in front of family, friends and, most importantly, our children has been the happiest moment of our lives."
Complete happiness? Did they serve tacos at the reception? My definition of complete happiness may differ from an exclusive statement's, but this is information I'd like to know.
Jessica Simpson has been hearing everything you guys have been saying. She was pregnant for like three years and now she's not and then the yellow dress thing happened. So she put this on Instagram.
Hiding from the paparazzi, so why not pose for Eric?
She probably made him take this picture, and this was probably the twentieth one he had to take before she liked one, then she had to go through the whole process of picking out a filter so they must have been hiding for a while.
Apparently all of the recent "holy shit Jessica Simpson looks amazing again" pics were all vicious lies and cunning demonry, because she posted these pictures on Instagram today and I don't know, man. She kinda looks like a stage mom who had a few extra minutes left with her daughter's photographer and decided to just got for it. What is happening here? Have we all been decieved? Why do her legs look like that? That's gross, right? Looks like you could grind them up and make glue or possibly dog food.
I don't know what the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit is, but damn. Thanks for having it. Because you remember when Jessica Simpson was your favorite dog and you would pet her and tell her how much you loved her then she got rabies and it gave you the sads, because you still wanted to love her but there was nothing there to love anymore? You do? Awesome. Because if you weren't good with metaphors, Jessica Simpson was one of the hottest chicks on earth because she hit the penis trifecta of dumb, blonde, huge rack. Then she got pregnant for like eight years and turned into some kind of weird, bloated, mutation of a Jessica Simpson. Dark times. Well, this is what she looks like now. Keep in mind she has two kids, and usually after a woman has two kids, she's figuratively taken out into a field and shot then buried in PTA sweatpants. Jessica Simpson is in this dress. I'll leave you to it.
It seems like Jessica Simpson has been pregnant longer than Iraq War (somebody should check that), but write this date down. She's not pregnant right now. Tomorrow is not promised to us.
Jessica Simpson's fat days are numbered … she just popped out baby #2, TMZ has confirmed. Jessica's rep tells TMZ … the singer gave birth to a baby boy earlier today in an L.A. hospital. She and Eric Johnson named the lil tyke Ace Knute Johnson. North was taken. Jessica and Eric have one other kid together … daughter Maxwell … born May 1, 2012.
Cool. In 15 years this kid will be calling himself "AK" and selling his mom's prescription pills at school. He might also have a bunch of temporary tattoos and an Aaron Hernandez jersey in his profile picture.