Good God, Man

 

I don't know what the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit is, but damn. Thanks for having it. Because you remember when Jessica Simpson was your favorite dog and you would pet her and tell her how much you loved her then she got rabies and it gave you the sads, because you still wanted to love her but there was nothing there to love anymore? You do? Awesome. Because if you weren't good with metaphors, Jessica Simpson was one of the hottest chicks on earth because she hit the penis trifecta of dumb, blonde, huge rack. Then she got pregnant for like eight years and turned into some kind of  weird, bloated, mutation of a Jessica Simpson. Dark times. Well, this is what she looks like now. Keep in mind she has two kids, and usually after a woman has two kids, she's  figuratively taken out into a field and shot then buried in PTA sweatpants. Jessica Simpson is in this dress. I'll leave you to it.

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BREAKING: Jessica Simpson Isn’t Pregnant At This Very Moment
BREAKING: Jessica Simpson Isn’t Pregnant At This Very Moment

 

It seems like Jessica Simpson has been pregnant longer than Iraq War (somebody should check that), but write this date down. She's not pregnant right now. Tomorrow is not promised to us.

Jessica Simpson's fat days are numbered … she just popped out baby #2, TMZ has confirmed. Jessica's rep tells TMZ … the singer gave birth to a baby boy earlier today in an L.A. hospital. She and Eric Johnson named the lil tyke Ace Knute Johnson. North was taken. Jessica and Eric have one other kid together … daughter Maxwell … born May 1, 2012.

Cool. In 15 years this kid will be calling himself "AK" and selling his mom's prescription pills at school. He might also have a bunch of temporary tattoos and an Aaron Hernandez jersey in his profile picture.

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Tina Simpson Wrote A Suicide Note, Planned To Kill Herself And Joe Simpson

If you ever wondered what would happen to a pastor's wife if she found out that her husband of 35 years was gay the whole time and was currently banging a 21-year old model, the answer is simple,  she would plan a murder/suicide instead of praying. Radar Online reports:

Shortly before traveling to New York to confront Joe, 52, about his tryst with 21-year-old model Bryce Chandler Hill in August 2012, Tina scrawled a cry-for-help letter threatening to shoot herself after she discovered her husband’s homosexual tendencies, a source close to the situation tells Radar exclusively. Tina left the note in the Encino home she shared with Joe and he found it! Joe immediately handed it to his lawyers who were handling his divorce proceedings. “Tina was so distraught when she found out about Joe’s secret gay affair, she immediately wrote a suicide note,” a source close to the Simpson family tells Radar. “It was fairly detailed and she said she wanted to shoot herself for what Joe had done to their 35-year marriage. Worse still, Tina wanted to shoot Joe as well. She was just so angry with him.

Proving he's a bottom bitch, Joe Simpson took the suicide note to his LAWYERS instead, I don't know, getting the woman who gave birth to his kids and stood by him even when he frosted his tips the help and care she needed. Way to be there, Joe. Also, why didn't Jessica just eat the suicide note before anybody had the chance to see it? Does she normally do that with things?

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Jessica Simpson Is Naming Her Son Ace



Jessica Simpson is high functioning retard, that’s why she named her daughter Maxwell Johnson and plans to name her son Ace Johnson, because she plans on him either being a gay fighter pilot or a date rapist. Us Magazine reports:

Cat’s out of the bag! Jessica Simpson’s growing baby bump isn’t the only thing that she’s showing off these days. According to a source, the Fashion Star mentor is eagerly sharing the name she’s already picked out for her second baby with fiance Eric Johnson. “[She's] told people she’s going to name the baby Ace!” the source told Us Weekly. Simpson, 32, is already mom to 10-month-old daughter Maxwell. The singer hasn’t yet revealed how she and Johnson, 33, decided upon the name, however.

Ace. She’s naming her son Ace. And her daughter’s name is Max. Max and Ace. That sounds like a Disney show about a Mexican boy and his dog.

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Jessica Simpson Says Her Pregnancy Was “A Shock”, “God’s Plan”



Jessica Simpson was on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night, and since she has nothing else going on, she talked about being pregnant. Pregnant immediately after having her first kid, because Weight Watchers was hard, ya’ll. Luckily God stepped in! People reports:
“Apparently it was a part of God’s plan for my life,” Simpson says with a laugh. “I was extremely shocked. I was shocked because I was going through a lot of hormonal changes trying to get back to the old, vibrant Jessica. And you know, it was kind of like a one-night stand. And it happened … all over again!” “We’ve had two different wedding dates, but he keeps knocking me up,” Simpson wisecracks. “I’m doing it very backwards, I know! I’ll just keep my legs crossed this time.”

Ah, yes. The God excuse. My favorite. Apparently “God’s plan” was for Jessica Simpson through premarital sex so she could void her contract with Weight Watchers without having to return the millions they gave her. Thanks, God! And I can see why someone would be extremely shocked that they got pregnant, since there’s so many ways to get pregnant. One time a friend of mine got pregnant because she didn’t yield while making a turn at a green light. They should probably let people know that. Imagine how shocked she was!

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Jessica Simpson Is Also Pregnant. Still.



Jessica Simpson is still in Hawaii or wherever, and I guess she wants everybody to know that she hasn’t cut her baby out and eaten it with marshmallows yet.

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Jessica Simpson Is In Hawaii



Off spending her Weight Watchers money that she didn’t earn, Jessica Simpson is in Hawaii right now, so she decided to take this picture and post it on Twitter. She has man legs and jacked up feet, but honestly how big are her tits? I bet she makes her own milkshakes.

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Jessica Simpson Is Pregnant. Again.



“Let’s hold up on filing those. Let’s just see how all this plays out. Let’s just see…” – CEO of Hostess

Because diet and portion control are totes lame, Jessica Simpson found an obvious loophole in effectively voiding her $3 million endorsement deal/weight loss challenge with Weight Watchers: lying perfectly still with her legs open. Us Weekly says:

Another baby on the way! Seven months after giving birth to daughter Maxwell Drew Johnson, the star is once again expecting, the new issue of Us Weekly exclusively confirms. “It definitely wasn’t planned. But yes, Jessica is pregnant again,” a source reveals to Us. The surprise baby-to-be is the second for the singer and Fashion Star mentor, 32, and fiance Eric Johnson. (A rep for Simpson had no comment.)

Congrats to Jessica and Eric for almost pulling off the Irish twins, but this wasn’t planned? Did she slip and fall unfertilized egg first into some semen? Last time I checked, there was only one way to get pregnant. Unless cookie dough has a dick, I’m gonna take a wild stab and say this was planned. Unlike her meals for the week.

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Jessica Simpson Looks Different



Jessica Simpson has reportedly lost 60 pounds in five months, and maybe that’s true, but anything can look skinnier in whatever this Halloween costume is. I appreciate the boobs, but I’m not real sure about the face. It looks like something Joe Simpson would follow around a party and offer $600 after he had one to many wine spritzers.

pic source = lifestyle.jessicasimpson

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