You might not know the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day, and you might think disagreeing with war means you have to disagree with the men and women who fight in them, so let me clear this up — Memorial Day is the one where you can stay drunk for a whole day in or around a small to large body of water filled with chicks in bikinis. There’s also usually a grill. Veteran’s Day is in the fall like in November. I feel like I should say something about Jessica Simpson in all this, but I think I just did sorta, right?
Can this post be considered a #FBF? Let’s make it one. So, yeah. Jessica Simpson was on HSN last night to sell crap from the Jessica Simpson 10th Anniversary Collection, and I guess what we learned about the gray skinny jeans is that she wants a threesome with Ashlee Simpson and her husband? That’s what I took from it.
(check the video below)
Jessica Simpson may be a raging alcoholic (Google “jessica simpson alcohol”) with the cognitive function of Cecil The Lion after he had been dead for three days, but Jessica Simpson is also blonde who has had a 34DD rack since the 90s. It would be only slightly less fair to other women if Jessica could post to Pinterest with her mind.
Extra stopped Jessica Simpson on the red carpet for the Teen Vogue 10th Annual Fashion University, and they probably should have helped her stand up, because she obviously put cocaine in her Fireballs before coming out. If this guy had talked to her for like two more minutes, she probably would have let him stick it in her butt.
Just like it’s target demographic, the married, white mother whose prime has long past, Jessica Simpson reenacted Fifty Shades of Grey with her husband Eric Johnson on Instagram. She called it “FIFTY SHADES OF JOHNSON”, but these pics aren’t of her kneeling on a tarp surrounded by cocks of different ethnicity, so maybe she should have thought of a better name that didn’t have a built in joke.
People says this is a “sexy swimsuit pic”, and they’re right. There’s nothing sexier than an alcoholic 34-year old mother of two holding a drink and forgetting to cover up the big ass bruise on her leg. Anyway, Jessica Simpson changed her last name. But only on Instagram, because I assume it would take too long to change all the signs to “Jessica Johnson” at Macy’s.
Pic source = Instagram
All you really have to do is Google to realize that Jessica Simpson has been a raging alcoholic since she’s been old enough to drink, but in a plot twist, she’s been smart enough to keep it under wraps. Unlike her bacherlorette party last month where was obliterated and it got caught on video. She also got shitfaced the night before her wedding.
While Jess and Eric’s wedding was certainly low-key in terms of celebrity nuptials, the couple planned to party with family and friends for three days, beginning with a lavish rehearsal dinner on July 3. Unfortunately, sources say Jess committed a rookie mistake and got plastered on night one of the celebration, leaving her in rough shape for the big day. Yes, Jess was a mess, and she reportedly made no effort to hide it from her bridesmaids: “While she was getting ready, Jess kept joking about how much her head hurt,” says one witness of Jess’ pre-wedding preparation. This might also explain her flubbed wedding vows, although that could also be chalked up to the simple fact that this is Jessica Simpson.
Look, I’m all for dumb blondes with huge tits who are unable to remember the night before, but would I marry one? Probably not. Wait, how much is Jessica Simpson worth again? Why would you say such bad things about her? What’s wrong with you?
After living in sin for four years and having two illegitimate children, Jessica Simpson made an honest man out of Eric Johnson by officially making him a househusband on Saturday. Congrats to the happy couple and congrats to Eric Johnson for unlimited use of that tongue.
It's official! Jessica Simpson tied the knot with former NFL player Eric Johnson at the San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara, California. "We are overwhelmed with complete happiness and love having made our eternal commitment," the newlyweds told PEOPLE in an exclusive statement on Saturday. "To say 'I do' in front of family, friends and, most importantly, our children has been the happiest moment of our lives."
Complete happiness? Did they serve tacos at the reception? My definition of complete happiness may differ from an exclusive statement's, but this is information I'd like to know.