Ok, so apparently doesn’t want me to embed this video and Comcast doesn’t want to return my calls, but unlike my other one true love Ashley Greene, whose ass looks like it got frostbite and had to be amputated, Jessica Lowndes’ ass is a goddamn national treasure and should be worshiped and written about more than the stuff in the Bible. I’m not gonna lie, I’d eat it if there wasn’t condiments reality available.
I guess we could spend our time in this post asking why Jessica Lowndes was invited to Cannes in the first place since her last completed movie is this (NSFCannes), but please remember that Jessica looks like this. And her butt looks like this. And she looks like this in a bikini. I’d invite her to a NASA shuttle launch or an execution in Texas if it meant I could maybe take her out for a drink after.
Jessica Lowndes spent all weekend in Newport Beach where she put on a bikini and drank wine and did other activities. Nobody else is pictured because I assume they all died when their boners exploded.
I didn’t want to leave you with Kathy Griffin all weekend, because despite what the liberal media tells you, I love you and your pageviews and impressions that translate into ad money. I love you long time. So here’s Jessica Lowndes‘ perfect body in a bikini. So I want you to take a long look at Jessica’s ass here, and know that I did this for you. I did it for us.
Kate Hudson‘s body is ridiculous (NSFW) Taxi Driver Movie
Tom Hanks is slumming Dlisted
Chris Brown‘s baby mama was married when he knocked her up The Superficial
Kennedy Summers could get it Hollywood Tuna
Selena Gomez in a sportsbra Drunken Stepfather
Nadine Leopold in a bikini. Yes, please. Popoholic
The sexiest social media pics of the week. Celebslam
Chris Pratt and Chris Evans make good on their Super Bowl bet SuperHeroHype
Here’s Gigi Hadid‘s nipples (NSFW) Taxi Driver Movie
Jesus Leto cut his hair for Suicide Squad Dlisted
Justin Bieber is banging this The Superficial
Simone Villas has a booty you should know Hollywood Tuna
Lindsay Hancock is the future Drunken Stepfather
Gwen Stefani in tight leather pants Popoholic
Sofia Vergara in tight jeans. Yes, pls Celebslam
I was going to write a think piece about Chris Brown‘s possible baby mama naming their alleged daughter, “Royalty Brown“, but then I was scrolling through Instagram and remembered that I follow Jessica Lowndes. Then I thought about what we’d name our baby. It really doesn’t have to be a baby. I’d put my name on the birth certificate.
When you tell a chick they’re pretty for a long time then they start believing they can do other stuff, so Jessica Lowndes released a song about month ago called “Silicone In Stereo” and since she looks like this (and this) in a bikini, nobody really had the heart to tell her not to release it. So it got released. I don’t have the sales number in front of me, but I assume it could only have reached double digits if it played against the Chicago Bears. Nice defense, guys. Maybe Michael Jordan can loan ya’ll some money so you can train some actual bears to play pass defense. Bears are tall. Anyway, Jessica Lowndes showed like half her boob on Instagram. That’s pretty cool.
Let me preface this by saying Jessica Lowndes is super hot. And that’s pretty much all I know. I know she was on a TV once of something, she might have been in some movies I think. But when you tell a girl she’s beautiful all the time, sometimes she thinks she can do other things. Like right a song called “Silicone In Stereo” that sounds like a Katy Perry B-side. She also made a video. So if you want to watch it with the sound turned down and listen to an actual song instead, I would suggest doing that.
pic source = Instagram
Apparently there is a movie called The Prince, and it had it’s premiere last night or something. And Jessica Lowndes was there wearing this dress. If you’re wondering why I’m posting these, it’s because Jessica Lowndes looks like this when she’s not in a dress. Basically, if she wears anything I’m posting it. That’s the point I’m trying to get across here.
Long story short, Jessica Lowndes is perfect. So, I’m happy to announce that, now she’s mastered this yoga handstand, I can pee then have morning sex with her without having to change my stance.