I know this is the first picture of Silas Randall Timberlake and we’re supposed to believe he’s a Memphis Grizzlies’ fan even though his brain and motor skills haven’t been completely formed yet, but there’s one thing we know for sure here: he’s waiting for a titty to pop out. It probably popped out after Justin took 12 pics for Jessica to choose from. Then Silas got a titty and took a nap then a shit because that’s what babies do. They’re like old people, except people visit babies.
Ten months ago, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel had unprotected sex then Timberlake shot semen into her vagina. Due to a 4 billion year old biological function, Timerlake’s sperm then fertilized Biel’s egg and now another human is added to the 7 billion who are already here. Congrats to the couple for such an accomplishment!
It’s official: Justin Timberlake will be passing on his suit and tie. The singer-songwriter and his wife, actress Jessica Biel, have welcomed their first child, son Silas Randall Timberlake, their reps confirm to PEOPLE exclusively. Reps say mom and baby are doing well and dad is “ecstatic.” Further details are not being released at this time.
“Silas Randall” already sounds like a douche who will die on a sidewalk on the Sunset Strip at some point because his album of electric banjo NSYNC covers didn’t sell. Anyway, moving on.
Pop star Justin Timberlake’s Italian restaurant Destino was forced out of business by ruptured plumbing that spewed human waste on the walls, the former restaurant partners reveal for the first time in a new lawsuit against their insurance company. The celebrity-friendly eatery, which the “Sexy Back” singer opened in 2006 with two partners at First Avenue and 50th Street, was twice flooded with raw sewage, according to the the Manhattan civil suit filed Tuesday….The insurance company rushed Destino to reopen in November 2013, the suit claims, but a few days after re-launching, a pipe fell from the basement ceiling and drenched a recently stocked food area with sewage, which led to a mold infestation. Reports on the eatery closing down had pegged it to mere flooding problems….The insurer denied Destino’s claims, including $275,000 for repair and unspecified business losses.
This restaurant billed itself as “celebrity-friendly”, and one of the regulars was Bill Cosby, so there’s probably some higher force at work here.
DOWNSIDE: Jessica Biel is pregnant. UPSIDE: Jessica Biel’s ass will get bigger.
A pal close to the 7th Heaven star revealed the exciting news after weeks of feverish speculation and baby bump sightings. “Jessica is at least three months pregnant,” the source said. “And she’s due in April!” A second source revealed that the actress hasn’t had it easy getting pregnant in the past. “Jessica has had tense times in the past when it comes to having a baby, so it is not surprising that she is staying mum on confirming the news publicly yet,” the other insider said.
I was gonna post this “Jessica is pregnant” post before the last “Jessica is pregnant” post, but Radar Online makes you watch a long ass advertisement before you get to cut and paste, because I guess they really need the money, so here’s my “Jessica Biel” is pregnant post finally. But why does this source automatically assume Justin Timberlake is the father? Do they know where I was three months ago? I mean, I’m not one to start rumors. Just sayin.
Since they haven't found a wy for their periods to synch up yet, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are now wearing matching tuxedos to places. Like the premiere of Runner Runner. Now word yet on what color they decided for their toenails.
Doing her part to contribute to the evil patriarchy, Jessica Biel has officially changed her name to Jessica Timberlake. Life & Style reports:
Eleven months after marrying Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel has officially taken her man's last name. "It's all official!" a source tells Life & Style. "The paperwork is done and she's now legally Jessica Timberlake."
She'll still be known as Jessica Biel professionally, so this is strictly a proactive move for the eventual divorce proceedings when she states "irreconcilable differences". The only difference after the divorce being is that she'll have a lot more money and an extra check every month. How long must the patriachy grind its boot heel into the faces of our women? How long must we sit back and watch this happen? Diamond engagement rings are an archaic and oppressive symbol of a man's ownership of a woman started by a jewelry company who have the blood of millions of African children on their hands. We should ban them forever to show women that we truly see them as our equal haha lol you bitches got nervous there for a second. Love you!
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Jessica Biel was on Conan Wednesday night, and halfway through the usual “oh hey I was such a tomboy growing up I haven’t always been this perfect” story, shit got weird. Us Magazine reports:
“They didn’t really stick around very long,” the 30-year-old explained. “I ended up mutilating them by pulling their heads off, cutting off all their hair, dyeing them with markers and sticking them on the Christmas tree lights. They’d light up like these demonic heads. My parents were very open!” When host Conan O’Brien called her tinkering “disturbing,” the Playing for Keeps actress laughed loudly. “Back then I don’t think people reported that kind of stuff. Now I would definitely be in trouble,” Justin Timberlake’s wife of one month said. “I still have the heads. They still go on [my Christmas tree] every year at home.”
So basically Jessica Biel is crazy. And when chicks are crazy, that really only translates to one thing: they’re cool with butt stuff. Look it up. I read it on WebMD.
The Los Angeles premiere of Hitchcock was last night and Helen Mirren was so excited about the movie that she grabbed Jessica Biel‘s boobs. What is Helen Mirren, some sort of lesbian? This is gross. Any way we can go back to last night and let Kelly Brook grab Jessica Biel’s boobs? That wouldn’t be gross. If she could also lick her ass, also. And maybe her thighs. I should probably stop now. Happy Wednesday!