Doing her part to contribute to the evil patriarchy, Jessica Biel has officially changed her name to Jessica Timberlake. Life & Style reports:
Eleven months after marrying Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel has officially taken her man's last name. "It's all official!" a source tells Life & Style. "The paperwork is done and she's now legally Jessica Timberlake."
She'll still be known as Jessica Biel professionally, so this is strictly a proactive move for the eventual divorce proceedings when she states "irreconcilable differences". The only difference after the divorce being is that she'll have a lot more money and an extra check every month. How long must the patriachy grind its boot heel into the faces of our women? How long must we sit back and watch this happen? Diamond engagement rings are an archaic and oppressive symbol of a man's ownership of a woman started by a jewelry company who have the blood of millions of African children on their hands. We should ban them forever to show women that we truly see them as our equal haha lol you bitches got nervous there for a second. Love you!
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Jessica Biel was on Conan Wednesday night, and halfway through the usual “oh hey I was such a tomboy growing up I haven’t always been this perfect” story, shit got weird. Us Magazine reports:
“They didn’t really stick around very long,” the 30-year-old explained. “I ended up mutilating them by pulling their heads off, cutting off all their hair, dyeing them with markers and sticking them on the Christmas tree lights. They’d light up like these demonic heads. My parents were very open!” When host Conan O’Brien called her tinkering “disturbing,” the Playing for Keeps actress laughed loudly. “Back then I don’t think people reported that kind of stuff. Now I would definitely be in trouble,” Justin Timberlake’s wife of one month said. “I still have the heads. They still go on [my Christmas tree] every year at home.”
So basically Jessica Biel is crazy. And when chicks are crazy, that really only translates to one thing: they’re cool with butt stuff. Look it up. I read it on WebMD.
The Los Angeles premiere of Hitchcock was last night and Helen Mirren was so excited about the movie that she grabbed Jessica Biel‘s boobs. What is Helen Mirren, some sort of lesbian? This is gross. Any way we can go back to last night and let Kelly Brook grab Jessica Biel’s boobs? That wouldn’t be gross. If she could also lick her ass, also. And maybe her thighs. I should probably stop now. Happy Wednesday!
Yeah, like the title says. People reports:
It’s official! After five years of dating, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are husband and wife. “It’s great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends,” the couple told PEOPLE in an exclusive statement Friday.
Man, this must be a big relief to Timberlake. He finally gets to have sex with Jessica Biel! Because we all know that suppressing sexual feelings is the best way to ensure a happy marriage! Congrats, bro!
It’s okay, women on Twitter. I’m sure you were Justin’s second choice. And like you said, it probably won’t last a year and he’ll call you then, right? I meant, hahaha go get another sweater for your chihuahua . Us Magazine reports:
Following a ten-month engagement — and nixed plans for a bash in Northern California — Justin Timberlake will wed girlfriend of five years Jessica Biel in southern Italy this week, multiple sources confirm in the new Us Weekly. “They are ready to get married,” an insider says of the intimate, rustic ceremony to be attended only by close friends and family. With the bride and groom’s team taking “extra precautions” to keep the location top-secret, celebrations kicked off on Tuesday, Oct. 16.
Even though marriage is archaic and stupid and initially started as a transaction so the man could list a woman as his property before Christian’s co-opted the idea, I really don’t have anything bad to say about two seemingly cool people getting married, so congratulations I guess. May they be fruitful and Romney/Duggar the Earth.
I love vagina as much as the next guy who loves vagina, but as a general rule, women are petty, reactionary, and emotional basket cases who would rather set their favorite pair of shoes on fire than to feel genuine happiness for another woman’s success or relationship, so it’s a little surprising that Britney Spears dropped $20K on a wedding gift for Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Especially when Jessica Biel’s ass looks like that. Now reports:
But not everyone is going to be thrilled about it because our source says Brit’s fiancé Jason Trawick, 40, ‘would be livid if he knew’. The US X Factor judge, 30, bought the lovebirds a holiday voucher for a week’s stay at a private island ‘to thank Justin for always being there for her’. But our source says: ‘Jason has no idea. Brit’s been reaching out to a lot of old friends and is trying to build bridges. ‘But Jason doesn’t trust her friends. He thinks she’s still too unstable for a regular life.’
So to recap, everybody is happy for everybody except Britney’s fiance. Because that’s $20K less he’ll have when Britney finally snaps and walks around the middle of Fairfax in a diaper and a Darth Vader mask waving a paper towel roll at cars and making light saber sounds. “BSSSSSSH….vrrrrrrrm….VRRRMvrrm!!”, Britney might be overheard saying.
pic source = WENN
If you think the GOP’s war on women is bad, just pop in a Hitchcock movie and you’ll see that the GOP has a long way to go. Because goddamn, Hitchcock. Chill with the murder/rape fantasies, bro. Anyway, here’s Anthony Hopkins almost completely unrecognizable as the iconic director for the upcoming film, Hitchcock, which tells the story of the making of Hitchcock’s seminal film, Psycho. Scarlett Johansson will play the film’s only star (Janet Leigh) who gets stabbed to death in the shower by a creeper mama’s boy (Norman Bates/James D’Arcy) with dissociative identity disorder within the first 20 minutes. Jessica Biel is also in it because a film can’t have too much quality acting I guess.
Hopkins pic source = Fox Searchlight
Pic source = WENN