Legendary MILF Jessica Alba posed in a bunch of bikinis and swimsuits for Shape, so Satan must have been really busy at the Duggar’s house, because she seems really happy here with no signs of molestation. Luckily for these professionals that Satan didn’t put impure thoughts in these photographers’ heads or another logical explanation is that they could control themselves and stuff like normal people. Haha, oh the devil, always up to no good!
We can all agree that a movie is made exponentially worse with Jessica Alba in it unless you’re watching it on mute. She probably knows this already, but she managed to use her name as a mediocre actress to make a BILLION DOLLARS by not acting, so if she wants to keep being in movies as a way to pass the time when she’s not counting her money, then so be it. Also, she’s fucking hot. Here’s a video of her butt. I’m not really sure how to end this, so I’ll end it prematurely as I’m sure her husband has before.
If you’re like me and a billion other people, you probably just assumed Jessica Alba is a bad actress, but apparently it’s just bored indifference since obviously being an international movie star is just something she does as a hobby.
According to the Wall Street Journal, the superstar actress’s environmentally-friendly baby care startup, The Honest Co., recently closed a $70 million fundraising round. That investment now values her company just shy of a billion dollars, and it’s only growing: “She is an international star. We’re starting to see a lot of demand from her fans around the world,” [investor Jeremy Liew] said. “This idea for non-toxic, chemical free products has resonated around the world in developed and developing countries.” Since launching in 2012 with its non-toxic diapers and other natural baby products, the California-based startup has grown quickly by blending its environmentally sensitive products with a social mission. Annual revenue is tracking to hit north of $150 million in 2014, or three times the revenue of 2013, according to [co-founder Brian Lee]. Despite having been in business for just a few years, The Honest Co. is already eyeing a public stock offering, which will likely value the company even higher.
So, uhh, is she seeing anybody? She has a husband and two kids? I mean, I’ll take them all out to dinner if that’s cool.
The subtle promoting of Sin City: A Dame To Kill For is something I can appreciate, even though Jessica Alba's grandmother can't, so the only downside I can see from this movie so far is that Jessica Alba apparently has a larger speaking part. When has that ever been a good thing? it's never been good thing, right? I mean, I'll shut up if I'm wrong. I know I was wrong about that one restaurant we went to baby but the Yelp reviews were really good. I asked you three times where you wanted to go and now you wanna bitch about it? Well maybe I didn't want to eat at your sister's house did you ever think about that? Why do we have to go over there all the time anyway? That's weird, you realize that. Everybody thinks that weird, it's not just me. I mean, whatever you two wanna do when I'm not around go for it, personally I just think it's weird.
Jessica Alba attended an event with an unnecessarily long name (13th Annual Samsung Hope For Children Gala at Cipriani Wall Street) last night where her MILF game was too strong. She's 33 and has two kids. And looks like this. Will Graham should start a profile on her, because if some bloodless virgins have been found lately, he might want to give Jessica a long look.
Like mass shootings, it's hard to keep track of all the rape posts on the site today, so to help that, here's Jessica Alba in a commercial either about ice cream or a Lambo. I can't really tell, but this just further drives the point home that we should have all have access to free chocolate covered condoms. You can cover pretty much anything in chocolate and a chick will put her mouth on it at least once. And if we decide on chocolate wine flavored condoms it's game over. GAME. OVER.
It's simple, we kill the grandparents.
Jessica on why she has a nudity clause… "I don't want my grandparents to see my boobs. That's it. It would be weird at Christmas. And, I mean, really, if you look at the movies I have done, getting naked would never 'elevate' the picture."
Actually, you know what would have elevated the picture? If you could act. Just sayin'. Or if we could have seen your boobs. I love you, but please don't make this harder than it needs to be.
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Miley Cyrus is going to stick to this vagina thing [The Superficial]
Rosalind Lipsett should live in a bikini [Hollywood Tuna]
Anne Hathaway in a bikini is disappointing [Popoholic]
Beth Behrs half naked for Esquire [Drunken Stepfather]
50 Cent is a great dad [TMZ]
Katie Couric is transphobic [Lainey Gossip]
Kelly Osbourne isn't engaged anymore [Celebitchy]
Nina Agdal money shot [Moe Jackson]
Ben Foster ate handfuls of dirt during Lone Survivor [Film Drunk]
Thumbs up if you like showing your weiner [Celebslam]
Margot Robbie gets the gif treatment [COED Magazine]
Miss Venezuela was murdered during a robbery [The Blemish]