Hey, remember in I Know What You Did Last Summer when you would have ice hooked the entire cast to bang Jennifer Love Hewitt? Good times, good times. Well, it's 2014 now and she's 35 and just had a baby and this is what she looks like now. Women usually hit the wall harder than Dale Earnhardt when they hit 30, and when you add in a human being pushed out of their vagina, you might as well send them over to Amon Goeth. They are no longer essential to our operation here on Earth. Basically what I'm saying is to women over 35 is, ummm, ewwww.
Despite being insane and needing several dryer sheets for all her cling, Jennifer Love Hewitt finally convinced a dude to marry and impregnate her. Congrats to the happy couple. Us Weekly reports:
Baby Love Hewitt! Jennifer Love Hewitt welcomed her first child, a beautiful baby girl, with Brian Hallisay on Tuesday, Nov. 26, her rep confirms exclusively to Us Weekly. And that's not all — she and Hallisay also secretly tied the knot! "Jennifer Love Hewitt and her husband Brian Hallisay are thrilled to announce the birth of their daughter," the rep says. "Autumn James Hallisay was born on November 26." A source adds that the couple "got married recently in private."
Sources* tell IDLYITW that Jennifer Love Hewitt was disappointed that she had a girl, because she finally wanted a man that was not legally allowed to escape. That's why she named her daughter "James". James is gonna love mommy forever and never leave her. Do you love mommy because because mommy loves you. You look so cute with your short haircut and dressed up in that tiny tuxedo. Mommy loves you so much, James. Give mommy these flowers and tell mommy you love her too. This could go on for a while so I'll stop now.
* = "sources" is me. It's me.
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In case you forgot, Jennifer Love Hewitt managed to talk a dude into not pulling out thereby forcing him to be legally attached to her for a minumum of 18 years. She also convinced him, probably by reading from a book of spells, to ask him to marry her. So here she is the weekend with visual proof that a man finally loves her. I don't even know what her boobs are gonna look like it four months. You could probably send her to Africa and end hunger.
As we learned yesterday, Jennifer Love Hewitt finally found understood how to ensnare and keep a man hostage for 18 years by getting pregnant, and today we learn that she's also engaged. This should be fun. Us Weekly reports:
Everything's coming up roses for Jennifer Love Hewitt. The Client List actress, 34, is not only pregnant with her first child but also engaged to marry boyfriend Brian Hallisay, Us Weekly confirms exclusively in the new issue. The actors, who previously appeared together on NBC's short-lived series Love Bites, started dating 15 months ago after reconnecting on the set of their hit Lifetime show. Hallisay proposed in late May, while the two were vacationing in Europe.
I spent a lot of time trying to find pics that would accurately describe how this went down, because if you're in any way familiar with Hewitt's dating history, you know she's completely batshit and a bottomless pit of need and Pintrest wedding dress photos. Admittedly, as a guy, the size of yourboobs are directly proportional to the amount of crazy we will tolerate, so for Hewitt's sake, I hope India Reynolds or Alice Goodwin don't guest star on The Client List anytime soon. Because that would be pretty much game over.
Two days after Khloe Kardashian was fired from The X-Factor because she didn't relaize that everyday wasn't Bring Your Mother To Work Day, Jennifer Love Hewitt has been offered the job as judge of The American Idol knock off. Us Weekly reports:
Simon Cowell's search for a new X Factor judge may have a happy ending! A source tells Us Weekly that the Fox talent show creator, 53, hope that Jennifer Love Hewitt will join him and Demi Lovato on the panel this fall for season three."Simon is very interested," says the source of the 34-year-old Client List actress and former pop star.
This should a great move, because if anybody has an ear for musical talent, it's Demi Lovato and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Does Jennifer Love Hewitt even sing? We already know Demi Lovato doesn't, so somebody should really look into this.
Wrapping up competition to commemorate Maxim’s 16th anniversary, Jennifer Love Hewitt beat a who’s who of Hollywood hotties to capture the title of Sexiest Cover ever for her April 2012 spread, as voted on by thousands of the magazine’s readers. “Oh my God, I’m so excited, I think it’s really awesome, I’m such a big fan of the magazine,” the 34-year-old sex symbol, who triumphed over Christina Aguilera, Jessica Alba, Olivia Wilde and Mila Kunis for the honors, told the magazine. “At 34, to be considered sexy is a big deal,” Hewitt told the magazine, laughing. “Because you start to wonder. “I promise to keep it sexy,” the former Party of Five star said, adding, “I want another cover! I’ve done four, and I think I’ve got a good seven covers left.”
First, I didn’t realize that Maxim was still a magazine. Secondly, there really isn’t a secondly, I guess. My dog just threw up on my couch, so excuse me if I can’t share in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s excitement at this time.
Update: In case this story couldn’t get any sexier, Jennifer Love Hewitt is now freezing her eggs.
Jennifer Love Hewitt must have set her clocks back to 1997. Radar Online reports:
The nicely endowed 34-year-old actress, who wears a 36C bra, told USA Today in a video interview, “I need like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, ‘Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,’ I’d be like, ‘Do it. Love it! Why not?’ “ She pointed to her chest and laughed, “These things right here are worth $5 million!”
Jennifer Love Hewitt is 34, so I’m not sure where that number is coming from. The Kelley Blue Book officially says that a woman loses half her value when she turns 30. Don’t be mad at me. Look it up, man.
To promote season 2 of Lifetime’s The Client List in which she plays a massage therapist who massages cocks, Jennifer Love Hewitt made a music video with Matthew Rolston to sing about woman power. Like charging for handjobs.
Here’s Jennifer Love Hewitt filming scenes for The Client List. Oh, and also her bra. I watched The Client List once, and it’s basically a random series of scenes with Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s tits jacked up and hanging out while she talks in a southern accent. You’re welcome for the tagline, Lifetime. You might want to use that.