Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov is the President of Turkmenistan, a country in the former Soviet Bloc that Human Rights Watch called "among the most repressive in the world" (also second only to North Korea in press freedoms) and the United Nations basically called a shithole of injustice. Turkmenistan's only export is oil, so the China National Petroleum Corporation decided to throw Berdymukhamedov a birthday party. The only problem was what celebrity would immediately agree to attend and perform if they promised her a check? Since Beyonce wasn't available, cue Jennifer Lopez. The Guardian reports:
The US pop star Jennifer Lopezhas added to her long history of performing for unsavoury characters with a birthday concert for the president of Turkmenistan – a man accused of committing widespread human rights abuses while ruling over the hermit nation. Human rights activists criticised the star, also known as JLo, for singing at the flashy southern resort of Avaza on Saturday night to mark the 56th birthday of Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, attended by a select group of officials, diplomats and executives. With a shout of "Turkmenistan!", Lopez took to the stage to sing and dance her way through her biggest hits. At the end, she changed from a skimpy white dress into a long, traditional Turkmen outfit to sing Happy Birthday, Mr President. "It was our pleasure," Lopez said from the stage. "And we wish you the very happiest birthday."
Jennifer Lopez BURN (via Human Rights Foundation)
"Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice and his circle of cronies. But her actions utterly destroy the carefully crafted message she has cultivated with her prior involvement with Amnesty International's programs in Mexico aimed at curbing violence against women."
In a poll conducted by Star Magazine, Gwyneth Paltrow was named the Most Hated Celebrity. Why? Because she's completely hateable and an overall vile and pretentious human being who would probably kill herself if she if somebody showed her a picture of a Taco Bell. Anyway, here's the rest of the Top 10.
1. Gwyneth Paltrow
2. Kristen Stewart
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. John Mayer
5. Katherine Heigl
6. Matt Lauer
8. Justin Bieber
9. Anne Hathaway
10. Kris Jenner
Not sure why Chris Brown or Tom Hanks aren't ranked higher. Especially Tom Hanks. I read a story last week that said he has a farm where he makes Cambodian orphans drown puppies. It was pretty terrible.
Jennifer Lopez was on an United Airlines flight recently and THIS JUST NOT IN: She’s an insufferable cunt. Radar Online reports:
“I just said, ‘What can I get you to drink?’ But Jennifer refused to even acknowledge me. She turned her head away and told her personal assistant, ‘Please tell him I’d like a Diet Coke and lime,’” the flight attendant told Star. “She wouldn’t even look at me. It was sad, she seems so sweet in her movies.”…and another source who has worked with the 43-year-old star confirmed that Jen doesn’t lower herself to speak to the help. “She doesn’t speak to salespeople, restaurant or hotel staff – or flight attendants,” the insider told Star. “She only talks through her assistants.”
“Jennifer Lopez was a huge bitch to me and everyone in the room” stories have been around since Jennifer Lopez. So if you read a story about Lopez rescuing a homeless man from a burning a building or asking a doorman about his grandchildren, just expect the next story to be about her exorcism because she’s obviously possessed by some sort of demon.
It’s still unclear why Jennifer Lopez
and Cameron Diaz
were invited to an event to celebrate achievement in motion pictures, but in case you missed it, they presented an award and their asses in some kind of ass-off. Why Cameron Diaz thought this was a good idea I guess we’ll never know, because Jennifer Lopez has built a career by sticking her enormous ass in the air to make people forget she’s a talentless cunt with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Maybe next Diaz can challenge the Hulk to a cage fight or whatever means that she’s stupid with no understanding of her limitations.
While her other kids are at home calling the nanny "madre", 42-year old Jennifer Lopez took her eldest son, 24-year old Casper Smart on a field trip to Brazil to celebrate Carnival parade in Rio de Janerio. How exciting! Although according to the pictures, I think Casper blew all his allowance on a new iPad. How is he supposed to buy souvenirs now for show and tell now? Maybe he can have sex with her in exchange for expensive trips and lavish gifts and so she can relive her youth. I don't if that's been discussed yet. You know, just something to think about. I'm just throwing out ideas here.
Jennifer Lopez is more famous for pimping Italian cars than for having any discernible talent. And, uh, for supporting Iran. The Huffington Post reports:
Jennifer Lopez probably wishes she’d never accepted that ride from Fiat. First, the singer came under fire for filming a New York-centric ad for the automaker on the other side of the country. And now, two months later, a non-profit advocacy group is urging her to end her endorsement of the Italian car company — or stand accused of supporting Iran’s illegal nuclear missile program. In an open letter released Thursday, the United Against Nuclear Iran (UANI) group told Lopez, “By endorsing Fiat, you are serving as a spokesperson for a company that freely does business with a regime that is developing an illegal nuclear weapons program, financing and sponsoring terrorist groups including al-Qaeda, has killed American and NATO soliders and is recognized as one of the world’s leading human rights violators.” A Fiat subsidiary called Iveco sells and distributes trucks in Iran, a portion of which have reportedly been used as a means to relocate missiles and to “stage gruesome public executions.” In the letter, UANI gives Lopez until Jan. 18 to reply with a decision as to whether or not she will continue her relationship with the company. “This campaign will continue, and we have plans to continue highlighting [Lopez's] involvement with Fiat if necessary,” UANI’s Nathan Carleton tells HuffPost Celebrity. UANI sent a similar letter to Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne, pleading for the company to cut ties with Iran. The letter points out that auto manufacturers including Kia and Toyota have already done so.
Jennifer Lopez doesn’t mind manipulating her own kids and wears fox fur eyelashes because she can, so I doubt she gives a shit less about human rights. Especially considering she’s a judge on American Idol. If this keeps her busy enough to stop trying to sing and endorsing rednecks from doing the same, I’m all in. I’d rather watch a Middle Eastern flag-burning snuff film than listen to her and Steven Tyler verbally fellate Scotty McCreery.
This is how Lifetime movies get made. Bossip reports:
While staying with their famous father recently, Marc and Jennifer’s 3-year-old twins, Emme and Max, referred to J.Lo’s 24- year-old backup dancer beau, Casper Smart, as “Daddy Casper,” say sources. An enraged Marc immediately called Jennifer and blasted her, telling her that if she didn’t fix the situation pronto, he was going to let the kids call HIS new girlfriend, 24-year-old Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, “Mommy Shannon”! “Marc couldn’t believe his ears when he heard Emme and Max utter the words ‘Daddy Casper’ during a recent visit,” revealed an insider. “He thinks Casper is nothing more than a young fling to make Jennifer feel better about herself after the divorce. “Marc mockingly told Jennifer that if Casper wants to be called ‘Daddy,’ he needs to start acting like it and pay some of their children’s expenses instead of just sponging off of her! “Jennifer freaked out and told Marc he was childish, but she promised to correct the situation.”
Poor Max and Emme. Because of their bitch mom, they have no idea who their father is. Is it the wigger one? Is it the dead one? They don’t know. Hopefully they’ll find a dragon scale in their bedroom then wish with all their heart so they can escape all this and fly with dragons in a land apart. Come along, take my hand. Let’s all go to Dragon Land.
UPGRADE. Radar Online reports:
Marc Anthony is taking a page right out of his soon-to-be-ex-wife’s book, hooking up with a 24-year-old hottie, and RadarOnline.com has the photo of him with his gorgeous new girl. Jennifer Lopez’s ex posted a picture of him kissing sexy Venezuelan model Shannon de Lima on his Facebook page, and the two have been Tweeting up a love storm to each other. Marc wrote in Spanish to Shannon “To my @Shadelima my statue of liberty. Kisses, baby.”
Marc Anthony looks like the mummified corpse of Marc Anthony, but he’s a rich, famous, salsa singer or something who has a line of velvet blazers at Kohl’s, so he gets to bang 24-year old Venezuelan model pussy. While that 24-year old Mexican dancer dude named Casper is banging Marc Anthony’s 42-year old leftovers whose panties get wet for Fiat unless she actually has to drive one in the Bronx. What a touching love story all this turned out to be.
Alanis Morrisette was there for some reason. She’s Canadian and not that relevant anymore, but she used to bang Ryan Reynolds for a long time, so she gets a pass.
It almost makes sense that Audrina Patridge showed up, because her story line in The Hills involved her pretending to work for a record label and staring at the ceiling a lot.
Heidi Klum is still taking one for the team and banging Seal. She can do what she wants.
Jenny McCarthy has no discernible talent when she wears dresses like this. Al Qaeda: 2
Katherine Heigl took a break from making shitty movies and complaining about how hard it is to stand on an ‘X’ and recite lines that someone else wrote for her to remind us that she exists. Al Qaeda: 3
I guess craft services had churros.
Katy Perry won a special achievement award for being the first female artist to have five number 1 singles from a single album despite sounding like a cat being skinned every time she opens her mouth. Al Qaeda: 4
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Jennifer Lopez attended the 2011 Glamour Women of The Year Awards in New York City yesterday, where apparently it was 1997 Night.