When archaeologists from another planet find our bloated, charred remains under a McDonald’s/gun shop kiosk, their findings will indicate that Jennifer Lopez was highest-ranking prostitute at every award show she attended, because when Jennifer Lopez attends an award show, the purpose of her dress doesn’t care about what it’ll be like when she sits down.
When every other chick was getting breast implants, Jennifer Lopez had a big ass and small boobs, now everybody wants a big ass so girls post squat challenges on Instagram and if you’re a Kardashian you can just buy the fat of Chinese baby that you’ve harvested in your sweatshop death camp. and have it injected in your ass without having to commit to a contact at a gym. Unfortunately, Jennifer Lopez’s ass is 45 years old and like how great can it really be now when her last boyfriend cheated on her with a drag queen? Anyway, it still looks ok in clothes and stuff. Here’s some pictures of said ass in pictures.
Priscilla Salerno is topless at the beach (NSFW) Taxi Driver Movie
Dr. Phil‘s interview with Nick Gordon was a disaster Dlisted
Emily Ratajkowski naked? Yes. The Superficial
Emelie Norenberg in a bikini Hollywood Tuna
Rebekah Underhill topless in a church Drunken Stepfather
Sarah Stephens in lingerie Popoholic
Alessandra Ambrosio wears jorts Celebslam
Hey, so remember yesterday when I said Jennifer Lopez is 45 and nobody wanted to see her in her Oscar dress? Here’s what she wore to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party. I’m pretty dumb sometimes. We can all admit that.
Halloween was Friday. Whatever. Here’s some pics of celebrities dressing up I got off Instagram. To be honest, the only one I actually looked at was the one of Ariana Grande‘s butt. Because I really enjoy her butt a great deal. My tongue just said so.
In what appears to be a remake of the 90s flick, The Crush, Jennifer Lopez is starring in a movie where she bangs a high school student who looks 29 then he becomes obsessed or something because it’s obvious in the trailer that he killed his parents and will do anything to keep hittin’ that 45-year old soccer mom ass because this movie has no basis in reality. Not sure why she doesn’t seem happier, because her last boyfriend cheated on her with a tranny. This guy only wants to kill her whole family. So romantic!
Lots of apostrophes in that headline. Sorry. Anyway, this year women are literally paying black producers to write them songs about the stuff they can do with their asses because the state of music is basically a dumpster fire, so here’s Jennifer Lopez‘s video for the subtlety titled, “Booty” ft. Iggy Azalea’s booty. It’s perfect for the woman who wants to post Jezebel articles during the week then wants to be the twerk champion on Saturday night. Jennifer Lopez was born before disposable lighters were invented, so this video not might as sexy as some might suggest, but between this and “Anaconda”, I hope this will be enough to get Miley Cyrus to maybe fake her own death and never be heard from again. I left that Meghan Trainor ‘All About That Cake” video out because nobody wants to see that.
Jennifer Lopez turned 45 yesterday, and this is her birthday cake. What? I have no idea. Your guess is as good as mine.
Source = Instagram via TMZ
Jennifer Lopez is 44 and looks like this in a bikini. So if you’re a 25 year old woman reading this and you’re feeling insecure and depressed about approaching 30 where you will be deemed aged out and gross and unsuitable for breeding, don’t be. You have 19 years to become a multi-millionaire with access to private plastic surgeons, dieticians, personal trainers, and the belief that people want to see a 44 year old woman in a bikini.
If you’re unable to connect the dots between Jennifer Lopez bending over and the liberal use of the word “booty” in the one minute clip of Lopez performing at the iHeartRadio Ultimate Pool Party last night, let me help you. Jennifer Lopez has a big booty and wants you to look at it. Hope that helped. You’d probably like to hit that, right? Go for it. But please keep in mind the last guy who did immediately started sexting trannies. Just throwing that out there. Do it with it what you will.