Halloween was Friday. Whatever. Here’s some pics of celebrities dressing up I got off Instagram. To be honest, the only one I actually looked at was the one of Ariana Grande‘s butt. Because I really enjoy her butt a great deal. My tongue just said so.
In what appears to be a remake of the 90s flick, The Crush, Jennifer Lopez is starring in a movie where she bangs a high school student who looks 29 then he becomes obsessed or something because it’s obvious in the trailer that he killed his parents and will do anything to keep hittin’ that 45-year old soccer mom ass because this movie has no basis in reality. Not sure why she doesn’t seem happier, because her last boyfriend cheated on her with a tranny. This guy only wants to kill her whole family. So romantic!
Lots of apostrophes in that headline. Sorry. Anyway, this year women are literally paying black producers to write them songs about the stuff they can do with their asses because the state of music is basically a dumpster fire, so here’s Jennifer Lopez‘s video for the subtlety titled, “Booty” ft. Iggy Azalea’s booty. It’s perfect for the woman who wants to post Jezebel articles during the week then wants to be the twerk champion on Saturday night. Jennifer Lopez was born before disposable lighters were invented, so this video not might as sexy as some might suggest, but between this and “Anaconda”, I hope this will be enough to get Miley Cyrus to maybe fake her own death and never be heard from again. I left that Meghan Trainor ‘All About That Cake” video out because nobody wants to see that.
Jennifer Lopez turned 45 yesterday, and this is her birthday cake. What? I have no idea. Your guess is as good as mine.
Source = Instagram via TMZ
Jennifer Lopez is 44 and looks like this in a bikini. So if you’re a 25 year old woman reading this and you’re feeling insecure and depressed about approaching 30 where you will be deemed aged out and gross and unsuitable for breeding, don’t be. You have 19 years to become a multi-millionaire with access to private plastic surgeons, dieticians, personal trainers, and the belief that people want to see a 44 year old woman in a bikini.
If you’re unable to connect the dots between Jennifer Lopez bending over and the liberal use of the word “booty” in the one minute clip of Lopez performing at the iHeartRadio Ultimate Pool Party last night, let me help you. Jennifer Lopez has a big booty and wants you to look at it. Hope that helped. You’d probably like to hit that, right? Go for it. But please keep in mind the last guy who did immediately started sexting trannies. Just throwing that out there. Do it with it what you will.
Usually when a 44-year old woman picks up on a dance for the first time, it's at a wedding after two bottles of wine and the dance she's learning has only been done at weddings for like two years. On the other hand, if any ass was put here to be posted on YouTube twerking, it should be Jennifer Lopez's, right? I feel like it should be Jennifer Lopez's. We should all be in agreement on this.
You're not gonna believe this one, but Jennifer Lopez and her choreographer/dancer boyfriend (should have been her first hint), Casper Smart, have split.
Jennifer Lopez is single again. The pop star, actress and American Idol judge, 44, has split from her boyfriend of 2½ years, choreographer and dancer Casper Smart, a source confirms to PEOPLE. "They initially split about six weeks ago, but that can take a little time to extricate. But they've definitely broken up," says the source, adding, "The relationship had just run its course." The source also says, "Jennifer is actually doing really well and working hard."
Gold star to the source for using the word "extricate", but if we could change "the relationship had just run its course" to "Jennifer just recently found out he was into penises", then this is a very well-crafted statement. Great job. Kudos all around.
Don't be fooled by the cock that I got, I'm still, I'm still on the waiting list at Johns Hopkins and I hope to hear something very soon. Text me when Jennifer leaves.
Jennifer Lopez is ready to dump her boy-toy Casper Smart following further lurid claims that he’s been sexting transsexual models behind her back….But on Monday, thedirty.com hit Lopez, 44, with details of 27-year-old Smart’s second alleged sexting transgression, this time with a transgendered female model named Xristina Marie. A source told us of the growing frustration in the Lopez camp over Smart’s antics: “She’s coming back to The Bronx and the only thing anyone can talk about is her toyboy and the transsexuals.” Another source tells us, “Jennifer is getting tired of all these allegations. She doesn’t need this drama and is ready to move on.” While reps for Lopez declined to comment last night, the second source sniffed, “The focus should be on her work for the foundation and the concert, not Casper Smart." The latest Smart uproar comes after transgender bikini model Sofie Vissa tried to shop a story claiming that she shared intimate Instagram messages with Lopez’s boyfriend, claiming to have screenshots of their alleged chats as well as “naked images of Casper Smart,” according to thedirty.com editor Nik Richie, who first exposed the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal.
So your boyfriend sexting transsexuals is "drama"? I guess that's one way to say it. Another way to say it is that your boyfriend likes women who recently had penises. I know you grabbed the one you don't have in that one video you did, but he wants one that was actually there at some point. That's kinda specific. American Idol needs ratings, so maybe you can get one and do like a big reveal….after these messages. You can cut off and give it Ryan Seacrest, so it's basically a win/win. I don't know. Just something to think about.
Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov is the President of Turkmenistan, a country in the former Soviet Bloc that Human Rights Watch called "among the most repressive in the world" (also second only to North Korea in press freedoms) and the United Nations basically called a shithole of injustice. Turkmenistan's only export is oil, so the China National Petroleum Corporation decided to throw Berdymukhamedov a birthday party. The only problem was what celebrity would immediately agree to attend and perform if they promised her a check? Since Beyonce wasn't available, cue Jennifer Lopez. The Guardian reports:
The US pop star Jennifer Lopezhas added to her long history of performing for unsavoury characters with a birthday concert for the president of Turkmenistan – a man accused of committing widespread human rights abuses while ruling over the hermit nation. Human rights activists criticised the star, also known as JLo, for singing at the flashy southern resort of Avaza on Saturday night to mark the 56th birthday of Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, attended by a select group of officials, diplomats and executives. With a shout of "Turkmenistan!", Lopez took to the stage to sing and dance her way through her biggest hits. At the end, she changed from a skimpy white dress into a long, traditional Turkmen outfit to sing Happy Birthday, Mr President. "It was our pleasure," Lopez said from the stage. "And we wish you the very happiest birthday."
Jennifer Lopez BURN (via Human Rights Foundation)
"Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice and his circle of cronies. But her actions utterly destroy the carefully crafted message she has cultivated with her prior involvement with Amnesty International's programs in Mexico aimed at curbing violence against women."