Yeah, So Judd Apatow Is Pretty Dumb
Yeah, So Judd Apatow Is Pretty Dumb

By now, you’re probably read the leaked emails from Sony executives where they split their time being dysfunctional, megalomaniacal assholes, tossing around racist shit about Obama,  trying to fit as much of Leonardo DiCaprio’s dick in their collective mouth as possible. But Judd Apatow, the abomination behind Cable Guy and movies where hot chicks fall in love with Seth Rogen, wants us to feel sorry for these people. Nah, son.

 

 

 

Yeah, so I’m pretty sure The Fappening was a sex crime designed to somehow punish women for being comfortable with their sexuality, and the Sony email leak is just a bunch of millionaires being horrific human beings in their insulated Hollywood bubble making jokes about Obama and Angelina Jolie while bleeding money from every possible orifice. I think Sorkin could write the script for this. Gonna pitch that to Scott Rudin.

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Jennifer Lawrence Is A Fairy Tale Princess

It seems like only last month that Jennifer Lawrence was taking vagina selfies for Nicolas Hoult and synching them to her iCloud, but last night she was at the LA premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 Because We Have To Make A Part 2 Because 2 Movies Make More Money That One Movie. She’s made a point to cover up a lot more lately, and I guess that happens when your boobs are put on the Internet by some dudes who understand Apple’s vulnerabilities. But Apple’s greatest vulnerability is probably pancreatic cancer and the length of their phone chargers.

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Miley Cyrus Hates Jennifer Lawrence

 

 Two years ago, Miley Cyrus was a white, Disney pop princess who sang songs about achieving your goals by climbing and hearing your favorite song while you’re in a taxi. Then as soon as her contract was up, she was allowed to hang around black people for the first time, so she co-opted what she thought was black culture and became infused with the power of ratchet then started writing songs about dropping molly, being drunk in da club. She also started twerking even though she doesn’t have an ass and pretending to blow backup dancers in giant bear suits. Her fiance at the time, Liam Hemsworth, was a not a fan, so he dumped her and started banging this (good lawd) like two weeks later. Liam Hemsworth is also pretty great friends with Jennifer Lawrence, and when her nude photos leaked, Miley proved she really isn’t about girl power. Bitches be jealous!

 “After Miley heard about and looked at Jennifer nude leaks, she texted Liam,” a source told HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY. “One of the issues that had broken them up was Liam thinking that Miley wasn’t acting respectably and was putting too much of herself out there wearing skin-baring clothes. She texted him a few times, including a message that said, “Your buddy’s pics just came out and she showed so much more of her body than I ever have” and “I don’t think that’s classy taking racy photos like that.” Liam was never a fan of Miley’s over-the-top and revealing looks. Everyone remembers the 2013 MTV VMAs when she twerked on stage, right? Miley used Jennifer’s photos as opportunity to get back at him for basically dissing her sexiness. Plus, he’s really close with his Hunger Games co-star, so that would just twist the knife in further. “She wanted to really get back at Liam for having been so hard on her and her sexiness,” our source continued. “She considered it a victory.”

Women logic is pretty great, especially when you consider that Jennifer Lawrence got naked for her boyfriend at the time in pictures that were never supposed to see the light of day unless Nicolas Hault happened to be  masturbating during the day. Miley Cyrus wore this last week. And this what her tour looks like. And she posts stuff like this on Instagram. And does this in magazines. So Liam and the rest of us should really listen to her when she gives her thoughts on what’s classy. She’s from Tennessee, so maybe she doesn’t know what that word means. I hear their dictionaries have pictures of Jesus building a border wall with bodies of dead gay guys.

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Jennifer Lawrence Had A Wardrobe Malfunction

Jennifer Lawrence attended the The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 World Premiere tonight and she didn’t trip and fall or say anything weird, so something had to happen, so her boobs fell out as she was leaving the afterparty.I guess we’ll find out later what Lorde has on her iCloud.

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Jennifer Lawrence Is Single Maybe

 

 So Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were last seen together six days ago, but today their love has died apparently or something. Not sure.

 “Jen is the one who broke it off with Chris,” a source tells PEOPLE. The Oscar-winning actress, 24, and the Grammy-winning Coldplay frontman, 37, were first linked in August, shortly after Lawrence split from her boyfriend, actor Nicholas Hoult. Following a few quiet date nights at Martin’s Malibu home, the romance seemed to move further into the spotlight on Sept. 19, when Lawrence attended Martin’s performance at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas. 

I sat in this post for a while hoping for more information than “Jen is the one who broke it off with Chris,” , but it looks like  “Jen is the one who broke it off with Chris,” is what everyone has decided to run with to publicly say Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence are no longer a couple. Like, are we sure the source was quoted in proper context? Jen broke what off with Chris? A foot in Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass? A key in a door? Some breadsticks? A tampon string? Let’s take a minute to see if we’re all on the same page here.

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Jennifer Lawrence Will Send You Naked Pics From Work
Jennifer Lawrence Will Send You Naked Pics From Work

 

I appreciate Jennifer Lawrence‘s commitment to her craft. Her craft of sending nude pics at work.

It’s hard to believe that Jennifer Lawrence, 24, is being punished once again by the hacker behind the facetiously-titled “The Fappening Part 2″ after a spate of new photos were released of the actress allegedly in a number of compromising positions. One of said photos allegedly has Jen in her X-Men makeup as Mystique, and many fans have wondered whether Jennifer’s future with the franchise has been compromised. “Jennifer’s role in future X-Men films will not be affected at all over the photo leak,” a source close to the franchise has revealed to HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY. “People close to the film are aware things like this happen and it shouldn’t do anything to her role because she never did it on purpose.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say she should be fired even though anybody ever involved with the X-Men should be fired, but I don’t think anybody would feel that sorry for you if you got fired after you sent a pic of your boobs to a dude from your desk with your office logo in the background. I think you’d probably get fired. I’m not an employment lawyer, so don’t quote me on that. But I think they’d have a pretty solid case. That’s why I don’t send pics of my penis from work. I really don’t want to get fired and because my penis is really small.  It’s kind of embarrassing.

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The Jennifer Lawrence And Kate Upton Naked Pics Will Be In An Art Exhibit
The Jennifer Lawrence And Kate Upton Naked Pics Will Be In An Art Exhibit

 

You can pretty much get away with anything if you call it “art”. Like Miley Cyrus songs and Terry Richardson sexual assault or putting hacked naked photos on some canvas then serving wine and cheese to people who want to see Jennifer Lawrence’s tits ironically.

Following the hacking scandal seen ’round the world, LA artist XVALA has decided to display the leaked photos of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton in his “No Delete” art show coming in October. The photos will be on printed on canvas, and will be life-sized and completely unaltered. On Sept. 3, Cory Allen Contemporary Art (CACA) announced in a press release that JLaw and Kate’s pics will be the latest addition to XVALA’s “Fear Google” Campaign. The art show, titled “No Delete” displays the 7-year collection of celebrity pics that XVALA has found on Google “in their most vulnerable and private moments, that were comprised by either hackers or the paparazzi.”

Wait, Kate Upton’s rack is gonna be printed on a huge canvas and completely unaltered? How much are tickets to this thing? Are they available on Ticketmaster and can I bring my own beer? You don’t want me drinking wine around those.

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Jennifer Lawrence Released A Hot New Pic
Jennifer Lawrence Released A Hot New Pic

 

Jennifer Lawrence‘s first poster for Battle Royale Without The Japanese People Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 was released today. And man. all black that’s pretty hot. Also, you can’t see her face, so if she wanted to, she could say this wasn’t her. I don’t know, just something to keep in mind for next time.

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Jennifer Lawrence Is Single
Jennifer Lawrence Is Single

 

Jennifer Lawrence got dumped by her boyfriend, Nicholas Hoult, of three years because she found a way to stick her head up her own ass.

The Hollywood rumour mill went into overdrive last week as it was reported that Nicholas Hoult was spotted cosying up to Riley Keough at No.8′s Philo Prom party in New York City. It sparked endless speculation about his relationship status with long term girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence. Were they or weren’t they together? Well, TheFIX can reveal that not only have they split but it’s down to J-Laws “exploded ego” and obsession with the tinseltown scene. “Jen is still desperately trying to get back with Nicholas after he broke up with her,” says our source. “They’re still talking but Nicholas is moving on. He hates how in love with fame Jen is, and he told her he hates dating an A-list actress. “That was the most hurtful to Jen because she’s worked so hard for her achievements and she’s so proud of her career. But Nic wants a more low-key girlfriend and Riley fits the bill.”

Women and feminists will immediately have a tampon-jerk reaction and say Nicholas Hoult couldn’t handle a “strong woman”, but we all know it’s because Lawrence is annoying and fake. Nobody trips that much without having epilepsy. And she makes up stories that never happened for some reason. Also, Riley Keough is hotter. Pretty clear choice here.

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