Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner Split Because He’s An Alcoholic Gambler

Ben Affleck‘s degenerate gambling addiction isn’t really a secret, but imagine having to be married to that bullshit. Before they got married, Jennifer Garner won four consecutive Golden Globes. This year she did a Capital One commercial. That’s not a coincidence.

Jennifer Garner reached her breaking point with Ben Affleck’s drinking and gambling and that’s why she pulled the plug on their marriage … sources connected with the couple tell TMZ. Our sources (not surprisingly) have two views of what happened … some align with him and some with her. The Jen sources say Ben’s drinking and gambling have escalated over the last few years to the point “she couldn’t take it anymore.” Ben’s sources also say he likes to drink and loves to gamble … in fact, Ben has rhapsodized about gambling in interviews. Sources say “partying” had nothing to do with their problems. Ben did not go out and did not womanize … Jen complained he just drank and gambled too much.

Batman: “Do you bleed?!”

*Superman lands*

Batman: “You will! Also, um, now that I you here, would you mind cosigning on this loan?’

Superman: “I would, man, but I’m not really liquid right now. The Daily Planet had some cutbacks recently. The economy is really hitting everyone hard lately. Sorry.


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Jennifer Garner Can’t Even With Ben Affleck’s Gambling Problem
Jennifer Garner Can’t Even With Ben Affleck’s Gambling Problem

Ben Affleck got banned from a casino last month for counting cards or something. He's still gambling apparently.

Affleck, 41, has been seen spotted at Detroit-area casinos when he's off the clock filming as Batman for the upcoming Man of Steel sequel. But though tabloid rumors have buzzed that his gambling hobby is causing strain on his marriage to wife Jennifer Garner, a source close to the family says their relationship is solid. "She never understood his gambling obsession and she doesn't want him to be in the news [for it],” says the source in PEOPLE’s new issue. “[But] she's the most patient wife ever and is still very much in love with Ben."

Kinda weird to think that Aflleck is some kinda degenerate gambler, but he did what you should normally do when your wife/gf doesn't like something: he just threw a bunch of diamonds at the problem and Jennifer is cool now. But if Affleck needs me to talk to somebody in a casino, I can call some people. Lemme start a fire first and find a blanket I don't mind getting burned.


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Jennifer Garner Finally Had The Thing

Jennifer Garner has been pregnant since 2005 and is obviously a fan of Michelle Duggar, so it makes sense that she gave birth to her third child with Ben Affleck yesterday. If my math is correct, they are working on the fourth as I type this. Radar Online reports:

Jennifer Garner gave birth to her third child and it’s a boy! The little boy joins older sisters Violet, 6, and Seraphina, 3, in the happy family along with proud papa Ben Affleck. previously reported that the couple was having a boy, but when Jennifer announced the pregnancy in August 2011 she kept the sex of the baby secret, telling Ellen Degeneres that it would be “weird” to have a boy but also “cool and different.”

I don’t know who I need to call, but didn’t Jennifer Garner get pregnant eight months after Jessica Simpson? And Jessica Simpson is still pregnant. That can’t be normal. I mean, it can’t right? Is there some kind of government hotline I can call? What does she have in there? Is it…what could…how has she been pregnant for so long?! People, wake up! Look around you! What’s going on?! OH GOD WHAT IS IT???!!!

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Ben Affleck Sneaks Large Woman/Small Whale To Hospital

It looks like the Affleck clan is soon to be one more as this morning Ben Affleck did his best to clandestinely sneak Jennifer Garner to Ceders-Sinai in Beverly Hills. Some people say the pregnant body is a beautiful thing, and maybe it’s just my inability to reproduce, but I hesitate using the word “beautiful” to describe anything that involves a lot of swelling. Swelling with love and procreation, but still swelling. That’s the opinion that ensures I’ll never have children and – at the rate things are going – never touch a woman again.

Once again, Ben Affleck barely bests me. Curse you Affleck!

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Jennifer Garner Has a Stalker

Steven Burky, the man who has been stalking actress Jennifer Garner since 2002, now has had a permanent restraining order placed against him. Burky, who writes a blog called, Satanic Panic, and who once showed up at Garner’s house to tell her about his dream of her being killed, is now under a 5150 psychiatric hold. TMZ reports:

“Garner’s lawyer, Blair Berk, just appeared in downtown L.A. court and got an order against Steven Burky, prohibiting him from having contact with Garner for three years. Law enforcement tells us Berky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold. Under the permanent order, Burky must stay 100 yards away from Garner, Ben Affleck, daughter Violet, the nanny, housekeeper, and others. He can’t go near her home, the kid’s school or her workplace.”

Wow, this guy is pretty smooth. In his letters, he paints a romantic picture of love and dreams and undying passion. However, not in his letters, the Thai hooker on his couch with the cut out picture of Jennifer Garner’s face is in fact dead, and he’s finding it increasingly difficult to masturbate and pause Alias at the same time.

Photos: Splash

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Jennifer Garner is Five Months Pregnant

Ted Casablanca has been pulling shit out of a hat for a while now, so instead of being on the brink of divorce, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are expecting a new baby. US Magazine reports:

Garner’s former Alias co-star Victor Garber confirms to “Yes, she is,” Garber, who currently stars on ABC’s Eli Stone, told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting. (Garber officiated the couple’s 2005 wedding.) A source adds, “She is five months pregnant. They are very happy.”

Violet Affleck might not have been cute enough to be a Gerber baby, but every time you see her she looks incredibly happy, so say what you want about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, but they seem to be great parents unlike most of the idiots in Hollywood. If Paris Hilton had a baby, in six months I’d fully expect it to be found in a diaper crawling on a suspended beam at a construction site or stuck in a bear trap.

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Might Get Divorced

E!’s The Awful Truth is reporting that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner may be on the verge of divorce.

Terribly unfortunate scuttlebutt has come my way. Sources insist to me that Jennifer Garner is considering splitting up from her hubby, Ben Affleck. Say it ain’t so, baby-cakes! Nevertheless, waiting on comment now from both parties. Could this be the reason Jen and Ben are always seen cooing over adorable daughter Violet separately, rarely as one happy family unit? Perhaps. And certainly, those who know the former Alias star well insist Ben’s mama has never particularly cared for the gal who broke Michael Vartan’s heart to hook up with Benny-Boy in the first place. Waiting on official PR responses to that little familial naughty nugget as, well, for what it’s worth.”

Ted Casablanca is gay, so I don’t know if I should believe this. It’s a known fact that gays are liars. Why, just today at the pool one told me that my cowboy boots weren’t meant to be worn with swimming trunks. Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, buddy.

The happy couple on June 18th:

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Gary Busey is Insane

I’m not even going to pretend that I know what Gary Busey was high on last night. At this point, it’s hard to know why he’s even allowed through security at these things anymore. He’s fucking crazy. If they really wanted him to attend they should have put him in a cage and wheeled him down the red carpet. That way he couldn’t do things like, I don’t know, barge in on interviews, ramble incoherently, and molest Jennifer Garner. You could make a strong case that this video could be submitted as Exhibit A for that. You could also make a strong case that this video could be the darkhorse favorite for “Best Achievement in Two Actresses I Was Unaware I Wanted A Threesome With Until Now”. Could they take home the gold? Find out live on ABC!

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Tom Cruise Wanted Jennifer Garner

It’s long been rumored that Katie Holmes was the last girl on a long list of girls Tom Cruise tried to recruit to be his wife; a list of young female celebrites which included Scarlett Johansson. Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography (aka, “the greatest book ever”), is now claiming that after his divorce from Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise reportedly also had his sights on Jennifer Garner. Us Magazine reports:

[Author Andrew] Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star’s voice mail in 2004 asking “if she knew what freedom was,” but his advances were rebuffed.”

Jennifer Garner must be some kind of emotionless cyborg because I’m not sure how she managed to keep her panties on after that. Tom Cruise is a smooth operator who makes his own rules in this game. What woman can deny his charms? What woman can refuse his sheer sexual power? What woman can resist being hooked up to an electronic device to measure memories put there by dead aliens? Good luck finding one, my friends.

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