The Nanny Isn’t Gonna Like This

So here’s Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner walking around Santa Monica yesterday with all smiles, so it looks like Christine Ouzounian’s Jennifer Garner voodoo doll either got lost or she forgot it in the lobby of US Weekly.

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The Nanny Got A $1M Offer To Play Batwoman In A Porn


“Would you rather look at me or that basic ass nanny?- Lindsey Pelas


Yeah, so Ben Affleck‘s ex-nanny/current captor Christine Ouzounian has a $1m porn offer on the table if she does three sex scenes in a Batman porn parody. This is your America.

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Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner’s Disney Trip Went Super Great

This is a story about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s trip to Disney World, but these are pictures of Bella Thorne in this dress, because nobody really wants to see sad pics. They’ll just make you sit there is quiet resentment. Much like their plane ride to Orlando.

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The Nanny Is Showing All Her Friends Ben Affleck’s Dick Pics

Every picture in this gallery is a moment when the camera caught Ben Affleck realizing he didn’t make this chick sign an NDA.

Ben Affleck has denied he cheated on Jennifer Garner with the couple’s nanny, but according to a new report Christine Ouzounian has shown friends intimate photos featuring the actor!

Keep in mind all this came out a week ago. A fucking week. In seven days, this chick got a blow out, keys to Ben’s Lexus, Ben to pay all her bills and a room at a $1,500 a night hotel, staged a bikini shoot, tipped off the paparazzi, and had a secret plot to get pregnant. Seven days and has an A-list actor shook and Kris Jenner waiting for her AMA.  And when confronted by the media, she “refuses to discuss her relationship with Ben” so everybody will keeping talking about her. Ho is diabolical. This bitch is going full on scorched earth until a sperm touches an egg. All this while looking like a chick you’d forget to text back after your first Netflix and chill. Either the shit tastes like organic honey or her blowjobs have screened at festivals that we don’t know about. Ben better handle this soon or pray the cops can shoot a white lady when she starts to reload at the premiere of Batman vs. Superman.

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Ben Affleck Is Banging The Nanny Jennifer Garner Hired

Of course this chick went to Arizona State.

Nearly one month after announcing the end of his 10-year marriage to Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck has begun to move on. And the two-time Oscar winner, 42, didn’t have to look far to find a new romance. In the new issue of Us Weekly, multiple sources reveal Affleck has been dating 28-year-old California native Christine Ouzounian, a woman he and Garner hired as a nanny for their three kids this spring. The issue also features exclusive photos of the two. When Ouzounian — an employee at a high-end Beverly Hills nanny agency — first started caring for Violet, 9, Seraphina, 6, and Samuel, 3, Affleck and Garner, 43, were in the midst of a secret 10-month trial separation. The Arizona State University communications grad soon developed an attraction to the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice star. “They would hang out without the kids,” explains an Ouzounian pal. “And they were very flirty.”  When Garner discovered there was something going on between her estranged husband and Ouzounian, she let the babysitter go. But the ex-sorority girl wasn’t cut from Affleck’s life. The pair spent time together at Affleck’s new L.A.-area rental on July 17 and, says the Ouzounian pal, were in constant contact over text and email. “She says Ben really, really likes her,” says the friend. “She’s saying this is true love.”

Wait, so Ben Affleck cheated and is now denying it? Man, he’s a pretty committed New England Patriots fan. 

 

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Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner Split Because He’s An Alcoholic Gambler

Ben Affleck‘s degenerate gambling addiction isn’t really a secret, but imagine having to be married to that bullshit. Before they got married, Jennifer Garner won four consecutive Golden Globes. This year she did a Capital One commercial. That’s not a coincidence.

Jennifer Garner reached her breaking point with Ben Affleck’s drinking and gambling and that’s why she pulled the plug on their marriage … sources connected with the couple tell TMZ. Our sources (not surprisingly) have two views of what happened … some align with him and some with her. The Jen sources say Ben’s drinking and gambling have escalated over the last few years to the point “she couldn’t take it anymore.” Ben’s sources also say he likes to drink and loves to gamble … in fact, Ben has rhapsodized about gambling in interviews. Sources say “partying” had nothing to do with their problems. Ben did not go out and did not womanize … Jen complained he just drank and gambled too much.

Batman: “Do you bleed?!”

*Superman lands*

Batman: “You will! Also, um, now that I you here, would you mind cosigning on this loan?’

Superman: “I would, man, but I’m not really liquid right now. The Daily Planet had some cutbacks recently. The economy is really hitting everyone hard lately. Sorry.

 

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Jennifer Garner Can’t Even With Ben Affleck’s Gambling Problem
Jennifer Garner Can’t Even With Ben Affleck’s Gambling Problem


Ben Affleck got banned from a casino last month for counting cards or something. He's still gambling apparently.

Affleck, 41, has been seen spotted at Detroit-area casinos when he's off the clock filming as Batman for the upcoming Man of Steel sequel. But though tabloid rumors have buzzed that his gambling hobby is causing strain on his marriage to wife Jennifer Garner, a source close to the family says their relationship is solid. "She never understood his gambling obsession and she doesn't want him to be in the news [for it],” says the source in PEOPLE’s new issue. “[But] she's the most patient wife ever and is still very much in love with Ben."

Kinda weird to think that Aflleck is some kinda degenerate gambler, but he did what you should normally do when your wife/gf doesn't like something: he just threw a bunch of diamonds at the problem and Jennifer is cool now. But if Affleck needs me to talk to somebody in a casino, I can call some people. Lemme start a fire first and find a blanket I don't mind getting burned.

 

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Jennifer Garner Finally Had The Thing



Jennifer Garner has been pregnant since 2005 and is obviously a fan of Michelle Duggar, so it makes sense that she gave birth to her third child with Ben Affleck yesterday. If my math is correct, they are working on the fourth as I type this. Radar Online reports:

Jennifer Garner gave birth to her third child and it’s a boy! The little boy joins older sisters Violet, 6, and Seraphina, 3, in the happy family along with proud papa Ben Affleck. RadarOnline.com previously reported that the couple was having a boy, but when Jennifer announced the pregnancy in August 2011 she kept the sex of the baby secret, telling Ellen Degeneres that it would be “weird” to have a boy but also “cool and different.”

I don’t know who I need to call, but didn’t Jennifer Garner get pregnant eight months after Jessica Simpson? And Jessica Simpson is still pregnant. That can’t be normal. I mean, it can’t right? Is there some kind of government hotline I can call? What does she have in there? Is it…what could…how has she been pregnant for so long?! People, wake up! Look around you! What’s going on?! OH GOD WHAT IS IT???!!!

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Ben Affleck Sneaks Large Woman/Small Whale To Hospital

It looks like the Affleck clan is soon to be one more as this morning Ben Affleck did his best to clandestinely sneak Jennifer Garner to Ceders-Sinai in Beverly Hills. Some people say the pregnant body is a beautiful thing, and maybe it’s just my inability to reproduce, but I hesitate using the word “beautiful” to describe anything that involves a lot of swelling. Swelling with love and procreation, but still swelling. That’s the opinion that ensures I’ll never have children and – at the rate things are going – never touch a woman again.

Once again, Ben Affleck barely bests me. Curse you Affleck!

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Jennifer Garner Has a Stalker



Steven Burky, the man who has been stalking actress Jennifer Garner since 2002, now has had a permanent restraining order placed against him. Burky, who writes a blog called, Satanic Panic, and who once showed up at Garner’s house to tell her about his dream of her being killed, is now under a 5150 psychiatric hold. TMZ reports:

“Garner’s lawyer, Blair Berk, just appeared in downtown L.A. court and got an order against Steven Burky, prohibiting him from having contact with Garner for three years. Law enforcement tells us Berky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold. Under the permanent order, Burky must stay 100 yards away from Garner, Ben Affleck, daughter Violet, the nanny, housekeeper, and others. He can’t go near her home, the kid’s school or her workplace.”

Wow, this guy is pretty smooth. In his letters, he paints a romantic picture of love and dreams and undying passion. However, not in his letters, the Thai hooker on his couch with the cut out picture of Jennifer Garner’s face is in fact dead, and he’s finding it increasingly difficult to masturbate and pause Alias at the same time.

Photos: Splash

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