Jennifer Aniston spent another holiday not married and closer to death in Cabo this weekend, but if you're wondering if the sexual heat is dead between her and Justin Theroux, suck it haters. Just look at these pics. He can barely keep his hands off her! They're practically doing it right there in front of everybody! See that pic where he's basically raping her with his eyes?! Yeah, me either. I think he's looking for weak spots in the wall.
Yesterday, the celebrity baby fetishists at Us Weekly ran a cover saying Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, then proceeded to give a pretty detailed timeline that showed why they sell a lot of magazines. But, as expected, she's probably not. Daily Mail reports:
Over the years there have been dozens of reports that Jennifer Aniston has been pregnant, all false. On Wednesday UsWeekly made that claim again with the excited cover line, Jen's Big Secret, Pregnant! But the actress' rep strongly denies the story, telling MailOnline, 'Jennifer is not pregnant.'The publication printed a rep denial, but still proceeded to detail how the Friends star, 44, has been trying very hard to hide the fact that she is expecting a child with her fiance Justin Theroux, 42. 'She's thrilled!' a source tells the weekly magazine.
Jennifer Aniston is 44, so if she is pregnant, it just increases the chances the baby might come with four arms or talons if it comes out at all, so it might be good idea to deny the reports until we see what Jesus' miracle is about first. If there's reports of a winged creatued draining the blood of stray cats and smal to medium sized dogs in the Hollywood in about seven months, let's circle back to this.
Jennifer Aniston and her death race between pregnancy and menopause seems to have finally found a winner. If she's not pregnant, she's either a raging alcoholic or Chipotle employees have learned to sense when she's close by.
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got engaged last August after dating less than a year. Man, that seemed pretty quick. But don't worry guys, despite everything you know about Jennifer Aniston and how quickly she got engaged, she in no rush to get married because "we already feel married". Sure thing, bro. ABC News reports:
“We just want to do it when it’s perfect, and we’re not rushed, and no one is rushing from a job or rushing to a job,” the “We’re the Millers” actress told the Associated Press. “And, you know, we already feel married.”….“We have yet to set any dates. There have been no cancelled weddings. There have been no postponed weddings,” she said. “There have been no arguments about where to get married. Just clearing all that up.”
Translation: "Justin already feels married and smothered and wants me to chill the hell out for a minute so he can breathe. I just love him so much. When he goes to the bathroom I like to hold his hand because what if he falls and dies in there? I've read online that happens. What about when he sleeps? Oh, I stay awake and watch him. I think he wants me to do that because he wants to know he's loved. Sometimes I rub his hair and sometimes I take pictures of us when he's sleeping too. I close my eyes in the pictures because I want to see what it would look like if we were buried together. He'd probably want us to hold hands. But you know men, they can never say what they want. But I know what his heart wants."
Here's Jennifer Aniston on the set of her new movie, Squirrels and Nuts, that will predictably bomb at the box office but not effect her A-list status in any way because remember when that evil Angelina Jolie broke into her house and kidnapped Brad Pitt against his will then forced him to have children with her and stay with her longer than Aniston and make him talk about how much he loves his life in interviews? That bitch. But enough run on sentences. Have scientists decided what's up with Aniston's nipples? Why are they always hard? It can't be that cold all the time. Does she need a blood transfusion? Do cameras make her horny? Are her nipples made of some material not from this earth? TELL US JENNIFER YOU HARLOT OF THE DEVIL!!
Jennifer Aniston is supposedly a huge A-list star, yet she’s been in 24 movies and only 7 have grossed over $100M. Her highest grossing film, Bruce Almighty, starred Jim Carrey, Morgan Freeman, and Steve Carrell. My cat could have played Jennifer Aniston’s part and it still would have made $242 million. Her second, Marley & Me ($160,499,700), was about a dog. Kids love dogs. And parents will take their kids to see movies about dogs. Her highest grossing film, in which she was the actual star, The Bounty Hunter, made under $70 million and has a 22% score on Metacritic. And Rogert Ebert gave it a half star out of 4. So keep all this in mind when you read about how Aniston is acting on the set of her new movie. Radar Online reports:
“Every day at lunch the entire cast and crew head to a cafeteria facility where they all sit down and eat lunch together for well over an hour,” the insider exclusively told RadarOnline.com. “But the only person who doesn’t eat with everyone else is Jen. She quickly grabs a lunch to go and leaves.” The source also claims Jen, 44, has fancier transportation than everyone else — as well as a trailer that is much farther away from the set than anybody else’s. “All the actors ride in normal production vans when they head to lunch, but Jen has her own luxury SUV,” the source said. “And not only is Jen’s private trailer miles away from the set, but she heads all the way back there each day to eat her lunch away from everyone else.”
Also keep in mind that Tim Robbins is also in this movie. Tim Robbins, the multiple Oscar winner. But Jennifer Aniston was in an Adam Sandler movie once, so fuck eating with everybody else. What is she, a migrant worker?
The only place reporting this is Star, so feel free to draw your own conclusions.New York Post reports:
Star magazine blared “Jen’s Pregnant!” on their cover this week, featuring the actress with a barely visible “baby bump” on her midsection. In their report, “sources” reveal that Jen not only “cried tears of joy” when she found out about the pregnancy, but she’s also having a girl with her fiance Justin Theroux. Desperate to cue violins, the mag’s source also adds that the “Horrible Bosses” actress is “keeping her baby joy in check for now” because she’s “scared to death that making a huge public deal over her pregnancy might jinx her.”
If you want to draw a conclusion that has a 50% of being correct, her rep would like you to know she’s not.
A rep for Aniston has confirmed to Gossip Cop that the report is “totally made up.” The site also rehashes how the mag breathlessly reported that Aniston was pregnant with twins last year.
I really don’t care if she is or not, but is it safe for a woman to have a baby at 43? I read somewhere that if they did they baby would come out with claws or as a werewolf.
Sitting next to Cameron Diaz would make anybody look better, so congratulations to Jennifer Aniston to sitting next to Cameron Diaz while and having her rack hanging out at the same time. The only way she could look any better is if we didn’t know she was 43.
Real Life Navy SEALS > Tyler Perry > The Rock riding a bee > a Nicolas Cage movie where he has a flaming skull head > a Jennifer Aniston movie where she’s naked. Us Magazine reports:
The actress’ new movie Wanderlust tanked in its opening weekend, debuting at No. 8 with $6.6 million. The film, which also stars her real-life love Justin Theroux, reunited Aniston, 43, with her longtime pal Paul Rudd, 42, her costar in 1998′s The Object of My Affection. Aniston hasn’t had a No. 1 box office debut since her appearance in the 2009 ensemble rom-com He’s Just Not That Into You. Box office revenue was up more than 25 perfect from the previous year, with Act of Valor — featuring real-life Navy SEALS — taking the top spot with a $24.7 million opening. Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds, costarring Gabrielle Union and Thandie Newton, debuted in No. 2 with $16 million. Journey 2: The Mysterious Island came in third with $13.5 million, Safe House finished in fourth with $11.4 million and The Vow rounded out the top five with $10 million. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance earned $8.8 million for a sixth place finish, while Reese Witherspoon’s This Means War (No. 7) earned $8.5 million in its second weekend.
It’s no secret in Hollywood that if you want to make a movie that nobody will ever pay to see, you cast Jennifer Aniston. Brad Pitt stuck his A-list dick in her for a few years and apparently that means she’s A-list too. She’s not. Michael Bay could leave a camera on in his backseat for two hours and the footage would make more than $6 million.