Jennifer Aniston Is Mad At The ‘Media’ For Saying She’s Pregnant Or Whatever

Jennifer Aniston looks like she writes overly long Yelp reviews when her salad dressing isn’t delivered to her table on the side, so she wrote a 915 word op-ed for Huffington Post entitled For The Record, that somehow turns the media speculating that she’s pregnant into a think piece on gossip tabloids, body shaming, childless women shaming, and probably some other shaming that I missed. Let’s take a moment to break this down, shall we? 

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‘People’ Says That Jennifer Aniston Is 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman
‘People’ Says That Jennifer Aniston Is 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman


Jennifer Aniston is the most beautiful woman in the world. Say that out loud in public where people can hear you. I know. I can’t bring myself to do say it either. 

Jennifer Aniston may be one of the most gorgeous stars in Hollywood, but she was still humbled and “very, very flattered” when she first heard the news that she was being named the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. “I thought, ‘Oh my God,’ ” she tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “There was this sort of very excited, teenage-y kind of moment.”

I really don’t need to explain why Jennifer Aniston obviously isn’t the world’s most beautiful woman. You’re all smart people. She might be in the running if a virus wiped out world’s female population except Jennifer Aniston and Chyna’s corpse. 

My vote:

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Jennifer Aniston Got Married

Fulfilling one of the prophecies foretold in the Book of Revelations, Jennifer Aniston found someone to marry her.

J&J forever! Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have at last tied the knot, multiple sources confirm to Us Weekly. The couple married in a top-secret wedding at their L.A. home on Wednesday, Aug. 5.

I reached out to Angelina Jolie’s publicists but they said, “LOL didn’t read”.

 

 

 

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Emma Stone Didn’t Want To Make It Weird

Jennifer Aniston launched a full on “I should get an Oscar for Cake” campaign, but she wasn’t nominated because the movie wasn’t that great and because Aniston can’t act. Emma Stone was nominated Best Supporting Actress for Birdman, so when they ran into each other, Emma just grabbed her really quick and fondled her because that’s better than watching Aniston slash her wrists.

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Jennifer Aniston And Justin Theroux Worked Out A Prenup

As we all know, Jennifer Aniston just wants to get married. She thought for a minute about getting Oscar, but obviously that didn’t happen, so now she’s back to her original dream: just finding somebody to marry her. Anybody. The hook has been in Justin Theroux‘s mouth for a few years now, and Aniston’s been gently reeling him in, and now she almost has him in the boat. Easy, Jen. Easssyyy. There he is! Don’t let him get away!

A source said: ”There’s been a lot of talk among friends that [the wedding] could be at their Bel Air home on May 16. They came to an agreement after Justin scaled down his demands – at one point he suggested a £1.3million ‘cheating clause’, but that’s now off the table. ”Jen’s fortune is considerably greater than Justin’s, but if the marriage ends, she’ll now only pay out £1million.”

Man, what a touching tale of romance and passion.  Because nothing really says true love like haggling over money and worrying about if the woman you want to marry is gonna cheat on you. I understand Jennifer here though. Bitches always trying to spend your money before you make it.

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Jennifer Aniston Is Ironic

Possibly taking the invitation literally, Jennifer Aniston wore this dress to the SAG Awards last night. She didn’t win anything of course, or defeat the laws of gravity, but at least her hair looks nice. Doesn’t her hair look great, everyone? I think it looks really great.

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Jennifer Aniston Thought This Might Help

Jennifer Aniston‘s name wasn’t even mentioned at the Golden Globes, but she got nominated for a Critics’ Choice Award for Cake, so she showed up in this suit thing I guess hoping it was change her luck. It didn’t. She didn’t win anything. But Birdman won basically everything, and Guardians of the Galaxy beat American Sniper for Best Action Movie, so that was pretty cool. I think because nobody in Guardians of the Galaxy had PTSD. Nobody wants to see that. I paid $11 for this shit, why you gotta bring the room down with all that?

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Jennifer Aniston And Justin Theroux Are Really In Love

Jennifer Aniston spent another holiday not married and closer to death in Cabo this weekend, but if you're wondering if the sexual heat is dead between her and Justin Theroux, suck it haters. Just look at these pics. He can barely keep his hands off her! They're practically doing it right there in front of everybody! See that pic where he's basically raping her with his eyes?! Yeah, me either. I think he's looking for weak spots in the wall.

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Jennifer Aniston Says She’s Definitely Not Pregnant

Yesterday, the celebrity baby fetishists at Us Weekly ran a cover saying Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, then proceeded to give a pretty detailed timeline that showed why they sell a lot of magazines. But, as expected, she's probably not. Daily Mail reports:

Over the years there have been dozens of reports that Jennifer Aniston has been pregnant, all false. On Wednesday UsWeekly made that claim again with the excited cover line, Jen's Big Secret, Pregnant! But the actress' rep strongly denies the story, telling MailOnline, 'Jennifer is not pregnant.'The publication printed a rep denial, but still proceeded to detail how the Friends star, 44, has been trying very hard to hide the fact that she is expecting a child with her fiance Justin Theroux, 42. 'She's thrilled!' a source tells the weekly magazine.

Jennifer Aniston is 44, so if she is pregnant, it just increases the chances the baby might come with four arms or talons if it comes out at all, so it might be good idea to deny the reports until we see what Jesus' miracle is about first. If there's reports of a winged creatued draining the blood of stray cats and smal to medium sized dogs in the Hollywood in about seven months, let's circle back to this.

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Jennifer Aniston Is Definitely Pregnant

Jennifer Aniston and her death race between pregnancy and menopause seems to have finally found a winner. If she's not pregnant, she's either a raging alcoholic or Chipotle employees have learned to sense when she's close by.

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