Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Split Up
Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Split Up

 

Still don’t understand why somebody would want to marry Jennifer Aniston, but Justin Theroux did in 2015 and I guess almost three years was enough.

“In an effort to reduce any further speculation, we have decided to announce our separation. This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year. We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship,” the couple said in a joint statement to E! News. “Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly. Whatever else is printed about us that is not directly from us, is someone else’s fictional narrative. Above all, we are determined to maintain the deep respect and love that we have for one another.”

I mean, it’s not like Jennifer Aniston’s career was prolonged ten years longer than it should have because of the gossip industry, but that’s not here nor there. But, of course,  now people are saying Brad Pitt and Aniston should get back together, but remember that Pitt is (reportedly) a violent alcoholic and Aniston is a narcissist who is a raging coke head (allegedly) according to everybody I know in LA. Brad would probably leave her ass on read anyway. Who knew Angelina Jolie would be the one with her shit together? Hit her up, Justin. Chelsea Handler is gonna blame you anyway, so might as well.

 

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Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston Are Texting Each Other For Some Reason
Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston Are Texting Each Other For Some Reason

 

Brad Pitt banged Angelina Jolie in her prime, but he’s also a dude, and we like texting old exes if we get dumped. We’ll text them even if they’re married or living in witness protection. We don’t give a shit. Jennifer Aniston is that ex.

Brad Pitt is reconnecting with his past. Amid the 53-year-old’s bitter divorce from Angelina Jolie, he has “been texting” with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, a source close to the Mother’s Day star reveals in the new issue of Us WeeklyPitt, who didn’t have Aniston’s cellphone number (they divorced in 2005 after five years of marriage), tracked it down through “a tangled web” of contacts so he could send well wishes for her 48th birthday February 11, explains the insider. “They started talking once he wished her a happy birthday.”

Say what you want about Jennifer Aniston now, but it took her a long ass time to get over this shit. On the bright side, it made people want see her movies just so they could feel like they were telling Brad Pitt they were supporting her. They also saw Pitt’s  movies too, obviously. You gotta hear both sides. And his movies were better. But then we have this.

And for his part, the Leftovers star, 45, wasn’t rattled by his wife’s phone time with her ex. “Justin is OK with them being friends,” notes the insider. Besides, the source adds, he knows “Jen just wants to be nice.”

I’m sure Justin Theroux is ok with them being friends, but I’m also sure he’s wondering why she’d want to be. And why does she want to be nice? Does Brad have a solid cocaine connect?

 

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Jennifer Aniston Is Mad At The ‘Media’ For Saying She’s Pregnant Or Whatever

Jennifer Aniston looks like she writes overly long Yelp reviews when her salad dressing isn’t delivered to her table on the side, so she wrote a 915 word op-ed for Huffington Post entitled For The Record, that somehow turns the media speculating that she’s pregnant into a think piece on gossip tabloids, body shaming, childless women shaming, and probably some other shaming that I missed. Let’s take a moment to break this down, shall we? 

(more…)

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‘People’ Says That Jennifer Aniston Is 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman
‘People’ Says That Jennifer Aniston Is 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman


Jennifer Aniston is the most beautiful woman in the world. Say that out loud in public where people can hear you. I know. I can’t bring myself to do say it either. 

Jennifer Aniston may be one of the most gorgeous stars in Hollywood, but she was still humbled and “very, very flattered” when she first heard the news that she was being named the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. “I thought, ‘Oh my God,’ ” she tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “There was this sort of very excited, teenage-y kind of moment.”

I really don’t need to explain why Jennifer Aniston obviously isn’t the world’s most beautiful woman. You’re all smart people. She might be in the running if a virus wiped out world’s female population except Jennifer Aniston and Chyna’s corpse. 

My vote:

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Jennifer Aniston Got Married

Fulfilling one of the prophecies foretold in the Book of Revelations, Jennifer Aniston found someone to marry her.

J&J forever! Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have at last tied the knot, multiple sources confirm to Us Weekly. The couple married in a top-secret wedding at their L.A. home on Wednesday, Aug. 5.

I reached out to Angelina Jolie’s publicists but they said, “LOL didn’t read”.

 

 

 

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Emma Stone Didn’t Want To Make It Weird

Jennifer Aniston launched a full on “I should get an Oscar for Cake” campaign, but she wasn’t nominated because the movie wasn’t that great and because Aniston can’t act. Emma Stone was nominated Best Supporting Actress for Birdman, so when they ran into each other, Emma just grabbed her really quick and fondled her because that’s better than watching Aniston slash her wrists.

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Jennifer Aniston And Justin Theroux Worked Out A Prenup

As we all know, Jennifer Aniston just wants to get married. She thought for a minute about getting Oscar, but obviously that didn’t happen, so now she’s back to her original dream: just finding somebody to marry her. Anybody. The hook has been in Justin Theroux‘s mouth for a few years now, and Aniston’s been gently reeling him in, and now she almost has him in the boat. Easy, Jen. Easssyyy. There he is! Don’t let him get away!

A source said: ”There’s been a lot of talk among friends that [the wedding] could be at their Bel Air home on May 16. They came to an agreement after Justin scaled down his demands – at one point he suggested a £1.3million ‘cheating clause’, but that’s now off the table. ”Jen’s fortune is considerably greater than Justin’s, but if the marriage ends, she’ll now only pay out £1million.”

Man, what a touching tale of romance and passion.  Because nothing really says true love like haggling over money and worrying about if the woman you want to marry is gonna cheat on you. I understand Jennifer here though. Bitches always trying to spend your money before you make it.

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Jennifer Aniston Is Ironic

Possibly taking the invitation literally, Jennifer Aniston wore this dress to the SAG Awards last night. She didn’t win anything of course, or defeat the laws of gravity, but at least her hair looks nice. Doesn’t her hair look great, everyone? I think it looks really great.

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Jennifer Aniston Thought This Might Help

Jennifer Aniston‘s name wasn’t even mentioned at the Golden Globes, but she got nominated for a Critics’ Choice Award for Cake, so she showed up in this suit thing I guess hoping it was change her luck. It didn’t. She didn’t win anything. But Birdman won basically everything, and Guardians of the Galaxy beat American Sniper for Best Action Movie, so that was pretty cool. I think because nobody in Guardians of the Galaxy had PTSD. Nobody wants to see that. I paid $11 for this shit, why you gotta bring the room down with all that?

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Jennifer Aniston And Justin Theroux Are Really In Love

Jennifer Aniston spent another holiday not married and closer to death in Cabo this weekend, but if you're wondering if the sexual heat is dead between her and Justin Theroux, suck it haters. Just look at these pics. He can barely keep his hands off her! They're practically doing it right there in front of everybody! See that pic where he's basically raping her with his eyes?! Yeah, me either. I think he's looking for weak spots in the wall.

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