Jennifer Aniston Got Married

Fulfilling one of the prophecies foretold in the Book of Revelations, Jennifer Aniston found someone to marry her.

J&J forever! Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have at last tied the knot, multiple sources confirm to Us Weekly. The couple married in a top-secret wedding at their L.A. home on Wednesday, Aug. 5.

I reached out to Angelina Jolie’s publicists but they said, “LOL didn’t read”.

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Emma Stone Didn’t Want To Make It Weird

Jennifer Aniston launched a full on “I should get an Oscar for Cake” campaign, but she wasn’t nominated because the movie wasn’t that great and because Aniston can’t act. Emma Stone was nominated Best Supporting Actress for Birdman, so when they ran into each other, Emma just grabbed her really quick and fondled her because that’s better than watching Aniston slash her wrists.

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Jennifer Aniston And Justin Theroux Worked Out A Prenup

As we all know, Jennifer Aniston just wants to get married. She thought for a minute about getting Oscar, but obviously that didn’t happen, so now she’s back to her original dream: just finding somebody to marry her. Anybody. The hook has been in Justin Theroux‘s mouth for a few years now, and Aniston’s been gently reeling him in, and now she almost has him in the boat. Easy, Jen. Easssyyy. There he is! Don’t let him get away!

A source said: ”There’s been a lot of talk among friends that [the wedding] could be at their Bel Air home on May 16. They came to an agreement after Justin scaled down his demands – at one point he suggested a £1.3million ‘cheating clause’, but that’s now off the table. ”Jen’s fortune is considerably greater than Justin’s, but if the marriage ends, she’ll now only pay out £1million.”

Man, what a touching tale of romance and passion.  Because nothing really says true love like haggling over money and worrying about if the woman you want to marry is gonna cheat on you. I understand Jennifer here though. Bitches always trying to spend your money before you make it.

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Jennifer Aniston Is Ironic

Possibly taking the invitation literally, Jennifer Aniston wore this dress to the SAG Awards last night. She didn’t win anything of course, or defeat the laws of gravity, but at least her hair looks nice. Doesn’t her hair look great, everyone? I think it looks really great.

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Jennifer Aniston Thought This Might Help

Jennifer Aniston‘s name wasn’t even mentioned at the Golden Globes, but she got nominated for a Critics’ Choice Award for Cake, so she showed up in this suit thing I guess hoping it was change her luck. It didn’t. She didn’t win anything. But Birdman won basically everything, and Guardians of the Galaxy beat American Sniper for Best Action Movie, so that was pretty cool. I think because nobody in Guardians of the Galaxy had PTSD. Nobody wants to see that. I paid $11 for this shit, why you gotta bring the room down with all that?

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Jennifer Aniston And Justin Theroux Are Really In Love

Jennifer Aniston spent another holiday not married and closer to death in Cabo this weekend, but if you're wondering if the sexual heat is dead between her and Justin Theroux, suck it haters. Just look at these pics. He can barely keep his hands off her! They're practically doing it right there in front of everybody! See that pic where he's basically raping her with his eyes?! Yeah, me either. I think he's looking for weak spots in the wall.

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Jennifer Aniston Says She’s Definitely Not Pregnant

Yesterday, the celebrity baby fetishists at Us Weekly ran a cover saying Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, then proceeded to give a pretty detailed timeline that showed why they sell a lot of magazines. But, as expected, she's probably not. Daily Mail reports:

Over the years there have been dozens of reports that Jennifer Aniston has been pregnant, all false. On Wednesday UsWeekly made that claim again with the excited cover line, Jen's Big Secret, Pregnant! But the actress' rep strongly denies the story, telling MailOnline, 'Jennifer is not pregnant.'The publication printed a rep denial, but still proceeded to detail how the Friends star, 44, has been trying very hard to hide the fact that she is expecting a child with her fiance Justin Theroux, 42. 'She's thrilled!' a source tells the weekly magazine.

Jennifer Aniston is 44, so if she is pregnant, it just increases the chances the baby might come with four arms or talons if it comes out at all, so it might be good idea to deny the reports until we see what Jesus' miracle is about first. If there's reports of a winged creatued draining the blood of stray cats and smal to medium sized dogs in the Hollywood in about seven months, let's circle back to this.

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Jennifer Aniston Is Definitely Pregnant

Jennifer Aniston and her death race between pregnancy and menopause seems to have finally found a winner. If she's not pregnant, she's either a raging alcoholic or Chipotle employees have learned to sense when she's close by.

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Jennifer Aniston Is Delusional

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got engaged last August after dating less than a year. Man, that seemed pretty quick. But don't worry guys, despite everything you know about Jennifer Aniston and how quickly she got engaged, she in no rush to get married because "we already feel married". Sure thing, bro. ABC News reports:

“We just want to do it when it’s perfect, and we’re not rushed, and no one is rushing from a job or rushing to a job,” the “We’re the Millers” actress told the Associated Press. “And, you know, we already feel married.”….“We have yet to set any dates. There have been no cancelled weddings. There have been no postponed weddings,” she said. “There have been no arguments about where to get married. Just clearing all that up.”

Translation: "Justin already feels married and smothered and wants me to chill the hell out for a minute so he can breathe. I just love him so much. When he goes to the bathroom I like to hold his hand because what if he falls and dies in there? I've read online that happens. What about when he sleeps? Oh, I stay awake and watch him. I think he wants me to do that because he wants to know he's loved. Sometimes I rub his hair and sometimes I take pictures of us when he's sleeping too. I close my eyes in the pictures because I want to see what it would look like if we were buried together. He'd probably want us to hold hands. But you know men, they can never say what they want. But I know what his heart wants."

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Jennifer Aniston Should Get That Checked Out

Here's Jennifer Aniston on the set of her new movie, Squirrels and Nuts, that will predictably bomb at the box office but not effect her A-list status in any way because remember when that evil Angelina Jolie broke into her house and kidnapped Brad Pitt against his will then forced him to have children with her and stay with her longer than Aniston and make him talk about how much he loves his life in interviews? That bitch. But enough run on sentences. Have scientists decided what's up with Aniston's nipples? Why are they always hard? It can't be that cold all the time. Does she need a blood transfusion? Do cameras make her horny? Are her nipples made of some material not from this earth? TELL US JENNIFER YOU HARLOT OF THE DEVIL!!

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