"Bae, the stairs are over there. We can take those."
Beyonce has an almost psychotic obsession with who gets to capture her image (she bans photographers from her shows and emails popular photo agencies to remove unflatettering photos), but as it turns out, she should have been emailing Solange's psychiatrist, because the Berlin Wall that seperated Beyonce from reality got blown the fuck up after an employee at The Standard leaked the now infamous Mortal Combat: Sistah Gurl footage of Solange kicking the hell out of Jay Z because of Rihanna. Shit has gotten progressively weirder since the 100th problem, but I guess it's all over now because they all just released a joint statement. "Joint". Yeah, okay.
"As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it…Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family. The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we're no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We've put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same."
Translation: "Bruh, can you help me out and stop talking about this? Like, for real. Solange has already chewed through the bars on the windows, and bullets don't seem to have any effect. Can ya'll just chill? She pulled the harpoon out of her chest and she doesn't attack the same spot on the electric fence twice. We put some of Blue Ivy's blood on a neckbone and that seems to work for a few hours, but we don't know how much longer that's gonna work. Jay mentioned a live goat, but I don't know where to get a live goat. Oprah said she would help, but Solange bit her hand and now Oprah has to get her arm amputated before the infection spreads. Solange has started to grow talons and we're pretty scared. So if you could stop…what was that? You hear that? AAAAAAHHHHHHH"