Jay Z Bought Beyonce One Of Khaleesi’s Dragon Eggs
Jay Z Bought Beyonce One Of Khaleesi’s Dragon Eggs

Emilia Clarke (Daenerys Targaryen, The Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons, Hot Ass Piece) is on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar, and in the interview she said she doesn’t have any of the dragon eggs because Jay Z bought one for Beyonce. I guess she couldn’t afford the other two.

She admits to trying to “blag” one of Khaleesi’s dragon eggs (which birthed three now poorly behaved teenage dragons), to no avail. “Apparently Jay Z bought one for Beyoncé, or something,” she laughs. “I don’t know.” No eggs reside in the Clarke residence because “they are really, really, really expensive and they are really fucking heavy and serious works of art.” Like Fabergé? “Eggs-actly! Eggs-cellent!”

PLOT TWIST: Beyonce is now a surrogate and Kanye probably thinks he’s the real father.

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Jay Z Got Hit With A Paternity Suit

Yay! Blue Ivy has a 21-year old big brother! How exciting!

Jay Z has been blasted with a paternity suit that claims he blatantly lied to a New Jersey court to avoid taking a DNA test that could prove he’s the father of a secret love child — who is now 21 years old, according to legal documents. Rymir Satterthwaite alleges that his mother, Wanda, hooked up with the 45-year-old rapper and entrepreneur in the early 1990s and the two engaged in numerous sex romps before Shawn Corey Carter had become the megastar he is today, the National Enquirer reports. Acting through legal guardian and paralegal Lillie Coley, Satterthwaite filed a civil lawsuit in December 2014 in which he accused Jay Z of lying in court when he tried to weasel out of taking a paternity test. Satterthwaite has been fighting to get Jay Z to take the test since 2010, when Wanda took the entertainer to court after it was declared that another man in question was not the father.

If  he knows he’s not the father, then taking a paternity test would prove it. Waiting four years just proves he’s kinda waiting for a freak accident or an act of the Illuminati so he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. As a man, I appreciate his talent to tune this whole thing out, but maybe his son likes truffles and Gwyneth Paltrow movies as well. They could have a lot of things in common.

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Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert
Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert

 The “On The Run” HBO Concert event got hyped more Tim Tebow and chicks with bangs, but apparently people like college football and a show about nerds more. Sorry, Bey. (via ONTD)

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s MUCH hyped HBO concert special was a ratings FLOP on Saturday night. The special drew UNDER 900,000 viewers and didn’t even make the Top 20 cable shows of the evening …..

So what were all the feminists watching on the 20th? Was HelloGiggles having some sort of webinar about how to be kind to yourself or how to make a playlist that will make you stop all the negative self-talk? Probably a lot of TLC and Michelle Branch.

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Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket
Beyonce’s Dad Says Divorce Rumors Were To Trick You Into Buying A Ticket

The past two weeks we were all led to believe that spreading misinformation was strictly a tactic used by police departments and the government, but as it turns out, Beyonce and Jay Z might have started their own divorce rumors so you would buy a ticket to their “On The Run Tour”. She told you to bow down, and of course, you did.

Mathew Knowles has spoken out with new claims that the whole scandal was a “Jedi mind trick” orchestrated to “ignite” ticket sales for the couple’s On The Run Tour!.…Knowles made the explosive claims on the Roula & Ryan show on 104.1 KRBE in Houston earlier this week. Asked about the infamous elevator incident earlier this year, and continuing divorce rumors, Knowles — Beyonce’s former manager — was unequivocal about his opinion. “I know, because we’ve done this. From experience, there’s a tour going on,” he said. “So you sometimes have to ignite that tour. It’s called a Jedi mind trick. The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot.”…Incredulous, one of the hosts asked if it were truly possible that Beyonce, Jay Z, and Solange Knowles staged and leaked the tape of themselves arguing in an elevator at an after-party for the Met Ball in New York earlier this year. He said, “All I know is the Jedi mind trick. Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%!”

Beyonce is a feminist icon now, so a plot to pretend her marriage is crumbling to squeeze every last dime she can from her tour will be seen as a shrewd, tactical move from a badass bitch boss lady. Kinda like the time Farrah Abraham pretended she was pregnant with James Deen’s baby. No? Not the same thing? Ok, cool.

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Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably
Beyonce and Jay Z Are Splitting Up Probably

Depending on what rumor you choose to believe, either Beyonce is pregnant or Jay Z has already gotten tired of having sex with Beyonce and she’s ready to move on to somebody who will. So basically anyone else on Earth. Page Six says its the latter.

Beyoncé and Jay Z have more than 99 problems and only “divine intervention” can save the troubled marriage, a source close to the powerful couple has told The Post. While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said. “They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said. Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said. “There are no rings, if you haven’t noticed,” the source said, admitting that he thought things would get better after the birth of the couple’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter. “For just a split moment, things got real for them and she was even talking about adding to the family,” the source said. “But, after a while, Jay was out doing Jay and Bey was out doing Bey. They made the classic mistake of thinking a child would change everything and help to rekindle the initial fire, and it didn’t.”

Beyonce just made an entire album about boning Jay Z, then her sister Sparta kicked him in an elevator while Beyonce just stood there and did nothing, but Jay Z has probably banged Rihanna during Blu Ivy’s nap time before, so who knows exactly what’s happening here. It might be Ukranian rebels.

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Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour
Justin Bieber’s Mugshot Is In The ‘On The Run’ Tour

 

The On The Run tour is three days in so far, and it's already pissed off Justin Bieber fans. Why? Because they're dumb. What? I'm dumb? Your mama's dumb. Oh, your mother is dead? How did she pass?  I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Take comfort in the fact that she lived a long full life.

They've already shocked fans by showing video footage of their 2008 wedding and Blue Ivy's birth, and now Beyonce and Jay Z have pulled another shocker out of the bag. Audiences were treated to a series of mugshots, projected onto giant screens on stage – including singer Justin Bieber's – as Bey told fans: "Even the greatest can fall." Fans posted about the apparent diss to the 20-year-old , who's been arrested and in trouble countless times in recent months. Justin fans seemed torn with some furious Beliebers calling it "disrespectful," and saying, "Justin is gonna freak." Others agreed with the 32-year-old singer, tweeting: "She is totally right. Respect", and "She was proving a point, it was not an Insult".

Let's just all agree to ignore the fact that Beyonce is singing about bad life decisions while standing next to a dude who could have saved 15% or more on licensing fees if he would have used the same kids to sing the chorus of Hard Knock Life that he used to sell his crack. Let's focus on the real issue here: Justin Bieber fans. I don't know what the diagnosis is for somebody who publicly worships this asshole, but it's gotta be some Shutter Island type thing. Ask your doctor if getting stabbed in brain through your eyeball is right for you. That wasn't a joke. You should really do that.

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The ‘On The Run’ Tour Kicked Off Last Night

Not to repeat myself, but the On The Run Tour kicked off in Miami Gardens, FL last night, making Miami Gardens the first place where you could see white girls not being able to even from space.

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Jay Z Hit This Maybe
Jay Z Hit This Maybe

 

So Jay Z may or may not have had sex with Casey Cohen, a 1OAK hostess in NYC. No word yet if Solange has slit her throat then kicked her down a well yet.

Beyoncé and Jay Z are putting up a united front, just days after a report emerged that the rapper is getting too close to Casey Cohen, a New York City hostess. The young blonde, who is 16 years younger than Jay Z, has a bio on Bravo TV, as she apparently is also a reality star. The bio states that Cohen “earned a Bachelor of Science in Studio Art and a Master's Degree in Art Education at NYU. When she isn't working on her art or staying fit, she works for the hospitality company. She is very passionate about art and education and is always finding a way to give back." While there is no mention of her reported gig at NYC hotspot 1OAK, according to InTouch Weekly, Cohen and Jay Z have been spending time together, and he visits her while she’s working. “Jay probably sees her twice a month. He visits her while she’s working and then they slip away for an afterparty. She’ll hang out with him all night, flirting with him and touching him," an insider tells the magazine.

If you don't believe this story because you can undertstand why anybody would cheat on Beyonce, please keep mind that Jay Z has had sex with Beyonce already. He's also seen her pregnant. Nobody should have to be put through that. Also undertstand that this chick white. Us minority guys basicaly have moral obligation to bang as many white girls as possible. It eases white guilt and I personally think it's better than reparations if it's all the same.

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Jay Z And Beyonce Made A Trailer For Their Tour Or Whatever
Jay Z And Beyonce Made A Trailer For Their Tour Or Whatever

 

So, yeah. Apparently Jay Z and Beyonce didn't have enough money in their household budget to cover self-awareness, because in the trailer for Run (a promotional film for their upcoming On The Run tour) they play two criminals who carry assault weapon in an elevator, but none of these weapons look like Solange. It also star Sean Penn as White Guy Giving Advice, Don Cheadle as Black Guy Playing Cards, Blake Lively As White Friend Who Is Always In Up Your Damn Business, That One Mexican Dude As The Mexican Guy, Jake Gyllenhaal As Crazy White Guy With The Knife, Emmy Rossum As Police Officer Who Needs More Target Practice, and Beyonce and Jay Z as Blaxploitation Bonnie and Clyde Who Are On The Run Because Of Their Various Criminal Actives Although In Real Life Beyonce's Little Sister Beat Up Jay Z While Wearing A Wig. Enjoy!

 

 

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Beyonce, Jay Z, And Solange Released A Joint Statement
Beyonce, Jay Z, And Solange Released A Joint Statement

 

"Bae, the stairs are over there. We can take those."

 

Beyonce has an almost psychotic obsession with who gets to capture her image (she bans photographers from her shows and emails popular photo agencies to remove unflatettering photos), but as it turns out, she should have been emailing Solange's psychiatrist, because the Berlin Wall that seperated Beyonce from reality got blown the fuck up after an employee at The Standard leaked the now infamous Mortal Combat: Sistah Gurl footage of Solange kicking the hell out of Jay Z because of Rihanna. Shit has gotten progressively weirder since the 100th problem, but I guess it's all over now because they all just released a joint statement. "Joint". Yeah, okay.

"As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it…Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family. The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we're no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We've put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same."

Translation: "Bruh, can you help me out and stop talking about this? Like, for real. Solange has already chewed through the bars on the windows, and bullets don't seem to have any effect. Can ya'll just chill? She pulled the harpoon out of her chest and she doesn't attack the same spot on the electric fence twice. We put some of Blue Ivy's blood on a neckbone and that seems to work for a few hours, but we don't know how much longer that's gonna work. Jay mentioned a live goat, but I don't know where to get a live goat. Oprah said she would help, but Solange bit her hand and now Oprah has to get her arm amputated before the infection spreads. Solange has started to grow talons and we're pretty scared. So if you could stop…what was that? You hear that? AAAAAAHHHHHHH"

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