Maddie Spears Is A Powerful Mutant
Maddie Spears Is A Powerful Mutant

 

A week after Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter, Maddie Spears, flipped an ATV, was found unconscious underwater then spent two days in a coma, she was passing out Valentine’s Day candy at school. I can’t even drink a bottle of wine without being on the couch for the next two days. The next X-Men movie is the one they don’t make, but if they do, Maddie Spears should kill them all off.

 

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Jamie Lynn Spears’ Daughter Flipped In An ATV, Was Found Unconscious Underwater
Jamie Lynn Spears’ Daughter Flipped In An ATV, Was Found Unconscious Underwater

 

Jamie Lynn Spears‘ daughter is in critical condition after flipping in an ATV. I wish this was fake news.

Jamie Lynn Spears’ 8-year-old daughter, Maddie, was badly hurt in an ATV accident Sunday, and we’re told her condition is extremely serious. Several sources in Kentwood, Louisiana tell TMZ, Maddie was on a Polaris off-road vehicle when it flipped over. We’re told she was under water for several minutes and unconscious. Our sources say she was airlifted to a nearby hospital. We’re told Jamie Lynn was not with her daughter when the accident occurred. And, we’re told, Maddie was involved in a hunting expedition at the time of the accident.

Christ. Ok, so I was born and raised in the South and have lived here basically my entire life. ATV’s are fucking death traps. And redneck love them. You’ll see kids who can’t even tie their own shoes riding one through a field with no adult in sight. I don’t get it. Not gonna sit here and shit on somebody’s parenting skills. Let’s move on to stories about not flipping on an ATV then being found underwater.

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Here’s The Security Footage Of Jamie Lynn Spears With The Knife

 

Hey, remember when Jamie Lynn Spears reportedly broke up a fight by pulling a knife on some chick in what we all assumed was a Waffle House? Well, here’s the security footage. There were no cops present, so luckily nobody was killed. Just a mom in booty shorts handling shit then walking the hell out.

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Jamie Lynn Spears Pulled A Knife On A Chick

Jamie Lynn Spears has reinvented herself as a discount Carrie Underwood (see above), but she’s still a 16 and Pregnant redneck, so unnecessary violence in public places will always find her. That’s why she had to pull a bread knife on some chick in a sandwich shop. 

 The violence broke out last weekend at the Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana — Jamie Lynn Spears and a friend had made a late night stop for food, when … according to sources close to Jamie … someone attacked her friend. Cops tell us Jamie’s friend got clocked with a bottle. That’s when Jamie went all “Saving Private Ryan” … dragging her friend to safety. Our Spears sources say Jamie pulled her behind the sandwich counter — then grabbed a long serrated bread knife and started waving it around to stop the fight.  We’re told that did the job. Police showed up, but Jamie’s friend didn’t want to press charges … so no one got arrested.

Wait, a woman with no formal training in de-escalation stopped a fight with just a knife and nobody got killed or arrested? The NYPD turns their backs to you, ma’am. One more outburst like this and your union membership will be revoked. Good day. I said GOOD DAY!

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Britney’s Parents Are Back Together

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This really isn’t good for business. Why do people have to be so selfish?! Us Magazine reports:

Things are anything but toxic between Britney Spears’ divorced mom and dad. Eight years after their bitter split, Lynne and Jamie Spears are now back together, a source close to the couple confirms to UsMagazine.com. GossipCop.com first reported the reconciliation, noting the duo have been reconciled since last summer and were spotted being openly affectionate Saturday at L.A. club Boudoir. Lynne, now 55, wed Jamie, now 58, in 1975, and they have three kids together: son Bryan, 33, and daughters Britney, 28 and Jamie Lynn, 19. They’re also grandparents to Britney’s two sons (Sean, 5, and Jayden, 4) and Jamie-Lynn’s daughter Maddie, 2. Why the rekindled romance? “There is still love there,” another insider explains to Us. “It happened slowly, but they’ve been through so much.” Their most famous daughter Britney famously suffered emotional breakdowns in 2007 and 2008, but has since recovered. Her father is still her legal conservator. “It makes sense to get back together,” the insider says of the reunited couple. “That bond is strong now.”

If you had a choice between The Spears’ and a reanimated Michael Jackson to raise some kids, I could see how you might take pause. Because one daughter got knocked up at 15 and the other is an unhinged sociopath who needs court-ordered supervision to go to Starbucks. Unless these two getting back together means they want a tax deduction on their new brick underpinning, I really don’t see what good this is gonna do.

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Hillbilly Vacation



There must be some kind of Future Meth Lab Operator (FMLO) convention going on in Miami right now, because ‘dem Duke boys the Spears’ sisters are hanging out by the pool with their three kids. I was going to post these yesterday, but I really didn’t feel like remembering these kids’ names, and I still don’t, so I just gave up and posted them anyway. Whatever, I guess the point of these pictures is that Britney and Jamie Lynn are in bikinis. Just like that girl hippo in Madagascar.

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Jamie Lynn Spears’ Baby Daddy Will Be Okay



Casey Aldridge, the Louisiana hillbilly who became famous by not pulling out of Jamie Lynn Spears when she was 16, was involved in a single car accident early yesterday morning when he flipped himself and three passengers in his F-250. Bad news is, he’ll be fine. TMZ reports:
We just spoke with a close family member/Baptist preacher who says Aldridge did not have surgery, but did suffer mild brain trauma. As we first reported, Casey and 3 other passengers were in a single car accident early this morning in Louisiana. His F-250 flipped over and Aldridge was airlifted for treatment. The family member said Aldridge suffered a “skull fracture around his hairline” and will be kept at the University of Mississippi Medical Center for 2-3 days for observation. Jamie Lynn Spears is at his bedside.

He got a Spears pregnant, so let’s not pretend that mild brain trauma would be anything more than redundant. But it’s good that he’s okay, though. Because Uncle Jesse just called and said Boss Hog and Rosco stole Farmer Ted’s new racing colt! And they plan to use it to get the blue ribbon at the Hazzard County Fair! Who’s gonna stop him? That sounds like a job for them ol’ Duke Boys! Yeee hawww!!

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Jamie Lynn Spears Had Liposuction While Pregnant



Following in the tradition of the great Spears mothers, Jamie-Lynn Spears had liposuction because she thought she was getting fat. Star Magazine reports:

“Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found the weight piling on. Not realizing she was expecting, she pleaded with her mom, Lynne Spears, to let her get liposuction, says a source. “She didn’t know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure,” a second source reveals. “Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient.”…”Any form of liposuction is dangerous and should not be performed on a pregnant woman,” plastic surgeon Dr. Gary Burton tells Star. “It poses serious health risks to the fetus.”

Jamie Lynn is reportedly scared for her baby’s health, but who are we kidding here? It’s a Spears kid, it was only a matter of time. It was either gonna be this or accident in the gator wrasslin’ pit.

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Jamie Lynn Spears is Pregnant



Despite public denials from her rep that she is pregnant, a Spears family member confirmed to the National Enquirer that Jamie Lynn Spears is definitely knocked up. The baby’s father, Casey Aldridge, apparently found out about the pregnancy though the media, and the statement of denial was only made so the Spears family could buy time (i.e. talk Jamie Lynn into aborting the baby). Awesome. National Enquirer reports:

“Jamie Lynn’s mom is furious about the pregnancy,” the family member told an ENQUIRER source. “And she’s livid the news leaked out, especially during her book tour. “Lynne doesn’t want to talk about it publicly until they sort this out. Jamie Lynn is being pressured by people very close to her to abort. But no decision has been made yet. Casey is furious. Jamie Lynn hadn’t told him about the pregnancy. He learned about it in the media and then confronted her and she told him it was true. Lynne and Jamie Lynn have been arguing nonstop by phone.” With the family in turmoil, one thing is certain, the source told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER: “If Jamie Lynn has this baby, you can be sure they will try to sell the official confirmation of the pregnancy to a magazine, as well as the baby photos.”

Jamie Lynn should just go ahead and have the baby, because she’s not making any money anywhere else. It’s like welfare for semi-famous chicks. Have a baby, get a raise. She should probably just keep having them, because eventually a Spears has to come out okay. Maybe if she’s lucky, when she has this one, the doctors will mix it up with the dead teen Russian prostitute’s baby down the hall. Sure the mafia might sell it, but it’ll probably get to learn an exciting new language!

Jamie Lynn at Wal-Mart this weekend:

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Jamie Lynn Spears Might Be Pregnant



Stop!, You have found the most redneck story ever. National Enquirer reports:

“In a blockbuster world exclusive, The ENQUIRER has learned that the 17-year-old Zoey 101 starlet is now expecting for the second time – a mere three months after giving birth on June 19 to baby Maddie Briann. Jamie’s desperate to keep the shock­ing news secret and some people close to her are urging Jamie Lynn to consider ending the pregnancy, sources say. “Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source. “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.” Too late. The unplanned pregnancy came as a shock to Jamie Lynn, who’d been breast-feeding her infant daughter Maddie Briann, insiders say. “Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding,” said the close source. “She’d expected to have her period by early September.” A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.”

Hey, remember this story? Yeah. Of course Jamie Lynn thought she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breastfeeding. She’s an idiot. It’s a shame that young girls today would look up to her. Girls should know that the only way not to get pregnant is to dress up in spike heels and a cop hat while doing anal. I’ve conducted several tests and most scientists agree that’s the only way to be 100% sure.

Update: Her rep is denying it, but c’mon, dude. She’s a Spears. She’d let you get her pregnant for magic beans or if you promised to show her a pink pony.

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