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The results are in, so here’s the completely subjective list of the hottest chicks of 2011. There was one simple criteria: Be hot and famous. That’s it. I didn’t care if these chicks could act, sing, or sip absinthe while debating Kant and Kierkergard. The criteria was are you famous? Yes? Would I stick my penis in your vagina? Yes? Congratulations, you’ve made the list! Oh, I know, I know, you could see a hundred other girls hotter than this at the mall. Totally. Well, then next time you see them, tell them they should be famous if they’re so damn hot. Anyway, here we go:
10. Jennifer Lawrence
After washing away the stain of being a cast member of The Bill Engvall Show, Jennifer Lawrence became the second youngest actress to ever receive an Oscar nomination for Best Actress for her role in Winter’s Bone. She also stars in the highly-anticipated film adaption of
Battle Royale with white peopleThe Hunger Games. I would also like very much like to get her pregnant then have this whole drawn out thing where she finds out I’m not ready for commitment and that I’ve left town.
9. Blake Lively
Blonde, slutty, and legs longer than that thing at the end of The Mist. Blake Lively couldn’t do a convincing job of playing a corpse on screen, but who cares. Her brain stem is only here so we can see her legs move around.
8. Ashley Greene
To say I would do unspeakable things to her vagina is a horrific, horrific understatement, but there seems to be a large contingent of people (you bastards) who think Ashley Greene isn’t pretty. That’s because you fail to understand the difference between pretty and sexy. “Pretty” you want to look at and admire their beauty. “Sexy” you want to throw against a wall and make her orgasm change the rotation of the Earth. I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.
7. Minka Kelly
Sure, there’s a very large chance that she may have contracted herpes from Derek Jeter, but 4 out of 5 doctors agree that it would be worth future outbreaks if you had a chance to bang Minka Kelly. And herpes only does its thing like what? Once a month? Besides, Valtrex commercials tell me that couples with herpes walk on the beach together in scarves. That seems nice. I’d like that.
6. Mila Kunis
It seems like Mila Kunis has been hot for twenty years, but she’s only 28 and wow that sounds creepy when you think about it. Also, her going down on Natalie Portman in Black Swan didn’t hurt her spot on this list. In fact, it helped. It helped it a great deal. *unpauses Black Swan* brb.
5. Miranda Kerr
Legendary Victoria’s Secret model who manged to get hotter after she spit out a kid. There’s really not much I can say about Miranda Kerr that I haven’t said already, except if Michelle Duggar looked like this then maybe God wouldn’t have killed her baby. “Another one of these ugly fuckers? Oh, hell nah.” – God
4. Kate Upton
Let me preface this by saying that I’m pretty sure a lot of Kate Upton‘s brain activity is used on trying to remember to breathe and tying her shoes, but GODDAMN THAT BODY. It really wouldn’t surprise me if the bikini industry got together and designed her in a lab.
3. Rosie Jones
Other than the fact that she’s said in an interview that she knows who I am, one of the main reasons Rosie Jones is on this list is that it took be about 30 minutes to find a picture of her online with her top on. And whoever took that picture should be shot in the face, because seriously, what’s your problem dude?
2. Candice Swanepoel
For all the inevitable comments I’ll get about there not being any black girls on this list, Candice Swanepoel is South African. That’s closer to being black that anybody you have in mind, because where it says race, the “African” isn’t hyphenated. Also, the black lingerie she’s wearing pops a little better.
1. Irina Shayk
Fuck. That’s really the only word that comes to mind. Irina Shayk made the cover of this last years’ Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and it’s pretty clear why. She’s also “ethnic”, so haha what you got to say now?! This is a woman you’d get pregnant for the sole purpose of being able to say you did.