IDLYITW: Hottest Chicks Of 2011

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The results are in, so here’s the completely subjective list of the hottest chicks of 2011. There was one simple criteria: Be hot and famous. That’s it. I didn’t care if these chicks could act, sing, or sip absinthe while debating Kant and Kierkergard. The criteria was are you famous? Yes? Would I stick my penis in your vagina? Yes? Congratulations, you’ve made the list! Oh, I know, I know, you could see a hundred other girls hotter than this at the mall. Totally. Well, then next time you see them, tell them they should be famous if they’re so damn hot. Anyway, here we go:

10. Jennifer Lawrence

After washing away the stain of being a cast member of The Bill Engvall Show, Jennifer Lawrence became the second youngest actress to ever receive an Oscar nomination for Best Actress for her role in Winter’s Bone. She also stars in the highly-anticipated film adaption of Battle Royale with white peopleThe Hunger Games. I would also like very much like to get her pregnant then have this whole drawn out thing where she finds out I’m not ready for commitment and that I’ve left town.

9. Blake Lively

Blonde, slutty, and legs longer than that thing at the end of The Mist. Blake Lively couldn’t do a convincing job of playing a corpse on screen, but who cares. Her brain stem is only here so we can see her legs move around.

8. Ashley Greene

To say I would do unspeakable things to her vagina is a horrific, horrific understatement, but there seems to be a large contingent of people (you bastards) who think Ashley Greene isn’t pretty. That’s because you fail to understand the difference between pretty and sexy. “Pretty” you want to look at and admire their beauty. “Sexy” you want to throw against a wall and make her orgasm change the rotation of the Earth. I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

7. Minka Kelly

Sure, there’s a very large chance that she may have contracted herpes from Derek Jeter, but 4 out of 5 doctors agree that it would be worth future outbreaks if you had a chance to bang Minka Kelly. And herpes only does its thing like what? Once a month? Besides, Valtrex commercials tell me that couples with herpes walk on the beach together in scarves. That seems nice. I’d like that.

6. Mila Kunis

It seems like Mila Kunis has been hot for twenty years, but she’s only 28 and wow that sounds creepy when you think about it. Also, her going down on Natalie Portman in Black Swan didn’t hurt her spot on this list. In fact, it helped. It helped it a great deal. *unpauses Black Swan* brb.

5. Miranda Kerr

Legendary Victoria’s Secret model who manged to get hotter after she spit out a kid. There’s really not much I can say about Miranda Kerr that I haven’t said already, except if Michelle Duggar looked like this then maybe God wouldn’t have killed her baby. “Another one of these ugly fuckers? Oh, hell nah.” – God

4. Kate Upton

Let me preface this by saying that I’m pretty sure a lot of Kate Upton‘s brain activity is used on trying to remember to breathe and tying her shoes, but GODDAMN THAT BODY. It really wouldn’t surprise me if the bikini industry got together and designed her in a lab.

3. Rosie Jones

Other than the fact that she’s said in an interview that she knows who I am, one of the main reasons Rosie Jones is on this list is that it took be about 30 minutes to find a picture of her online with her top on. And whoever took that picture should be shot in the face, because seriously, what’s your problem dude?

2. Candice Swanepoel

For all the inevitable comments I’ll get about there not being any black girls on this list, Candice Swanepoel is South African. That’s closer to being black that anybody you have in mind, because where it says race, the “African” isn’t hyphenated. Also, the black lingerie she’s wearing pops a little better.

1. Irina Shayk

Fuck. That’s really the only word that comes to mind. Irina Shayk made the cover of this last years’ Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and it’s pretty clear why. She’s also “ethnic”, so haha what you got to say now?! This is a woman you’d get pregnant for the sole purpose of being able to say you did.

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IDLYITW: Best Posts Of 2011

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Not to be confused with the best posts of 2011, here’s what you guys voted (with a little help from traffic and social media stats) as the best posts on IDLYITW in 2011. Strangely, not enough titties are involved. What’s up with that?

10. Steve Jobs Has Six Weeks To Live
Posted by Todd on February 17, 2011
You know how when your iPhone battery thingy turns red and you think it’s about to die, but it hangs on until it knows you’re done with your call? This was kinda like that.

9. Nicolas Cage Is An Undead Vampire (According To A Guy On eBay)
Posted by Todd on September 20, 2011
It all makes sense now.

8. Jonah Hill Lost 40 Pounds
Posted by Todd on July 14, 2011
Ok, ladies. I played your silly game.

7. Ryan Dunn Was Piss Drunk
Posted by Todd on June 21, 2011
Apparently millions were in mourning. Still not sure why.

6. Megan Fox: “Brian And I Were On A Break”
Posted by Todd on June 30, 2011
I painted a portrait.

5. Mark Sanchez Is Great At Making Life Decisions
Posted by Todd on April 8, 2011
This post is about his personal life, not anything to do with what he does in the 4th quarter of games.

4. White People. LOL
Posted by Todd on April 28, 2011
Remember that whole Barack Obama birth certificate thing? Of course you did.

3. Scarlett Johansson Is Naked, Leaked
Posted by Todd on September 14, 2011
The day the Internet almost broke.

2. Rebecca Black Thinks She’s Being Cyberbullied
Posted by Todd on March 18, 2011
One month later she pulled all her videos off YouTube. The truth hurts sometimes. But not worse than a tiger bite.

1. Ryan Murphy And Perez Hilton Aren’t Done Whining
Posted by Todd on January 27, 2011
I received hate mail, death threats, and marriage proposals from this post, and there was a Bay of Pigs situation where I seriously thought I might get fired. So great to relive this again! Thanks, guys!

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IDLYITW’s Top 10 Hottest Chicks Of 2010

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She made a crackhead the hottest character in The Town and she has legs that make you want to commit a hate crime against your penis. The only way she won’t be on this list next year is if The Superficial Writer finally finds out where she lives. I’m not gonna lie, I’m worried about that boy.


Nothing on this chick should work, but dear God it does. Every time I see her I want to use her to repopulate California. What? Yeah, I know there’s already people there. Sorry, Olivia Wilde comes in on page 2 of my plan.


Sorry. She’s hot. Get over it. if I have to convince you of that, you might want to take another test in Cosmo. Because you’re gay you see.


Funny, a law degree, and a body like a deluxe pleasure model on a off-world colony. If I got any where close to this I’d feel pressured to dress my penis up in a top hat and tails.


She’s a talentless ice queen who is dating an effeminate singer of a Disney band. And?


The only way she could be any more perfect is if she really did have a bag of Jew gold.


America finally found out who Kelly Brook was in 2010 thanks in part to Piranha 3-D. Or in spite of Piranha 3-D. Whichever.


There’s a reason why the world’s hottest chicks are born in South Africa or Brazil. You could put Candice Swanepoel in a room with 1,000 other chicks and at least half of those would die from sheer embarrassment.


By far the most requested chick on the site. She could have hooves and talons for hands and I’d still cum at least twice before I noticed.


Not since Secretariat has an ass so captured the hearts and minds of the world. I realize Sophie Turner has a lot of movies lined up, but her ass really needs to be cast as the central character in a episode of Law & Order SVU.

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IDLYITW’s Top 10 Posts Of 2009

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Not to be confused with the top stories of 2009, here are the Top 10 IDLYITW Posts of 2009 according to your votes. Yeah so, wow, I’m kind of a jackass.

10. David Carradine Probably Didn’t Hang Himself (June 5, 2009)
What happens in Thailand, really stays in Thailand.

9. How Romantic (January 21, 2009)
I’m so edgy with my political satire!

8. Chastity Bono Is Dumb (November 19, 2009)
The LBGT community still might have a contract out on my head for this one. Probably at Paul Mitchell. Their pure and natural ingredients are tested by hairdressers, never on animals!

7. John Travolta Finally Admits His Son Was Austic (September 24, 2009)
What? No I’m not crying! I just have something in my eye! Can’t you just leave me alone?!

6. Shut Up (December 1, 2009)
He’s here and he’s really, really fuckin queer.

5. Dear God (October 23, 2009)
Looking at these pictures can give you an erection for up to 36 hours. For when the time is right.

4. Roman Polanksi Is Mad (September 29, 2009)
I had a few Red Bulls that morning. Sorry about that.

3. Jessica Simpson Is A Damn Idiot (September 16, 2009)
If a coyote takes your dog away in his mouth, there’s a good chance he won’t be contacting you with the terms of it’s release.

2. Jennifer Aniston Is Adopting (April 29, 2009)

1. Michael Jackson Died (June 25, 2009)
This received the most votes by far and it got me the most death threats. I don’t know whether to be honored or lock myself in the attic.

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IDLYITW’s Top 10 Hottest Chicks Of 2009

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As promised, here’s a list of chicks who I will never have sex with no matter how popular this site gets. To my knowledge, only one of the chicks on this list knows this site exists and was cornered into saying that she loved me by Ryan over at our kick ass horror site. So luckily for me my girlfriend bought me a TX watch for Christmas and kept my balls drained like Britney Spears’ wallet at a Krispy Kreme. Screw you, Megan!

NOTE: Just so we’re clear: Kelly Brook, Keeley Hazell, Lucy Pinder, Bar Rafaeli, Marisa Miller, Adriana Lima, and Alessandra Ambrosio have had their IDLYITW jerseys retired and are so hot they don’t need to be on this list. It’s just kinda assumed.

10. Amber Heard

Amber Heard should really be on here more, so if she could get hooked on heroin or kill a Filipino child while wearing a bikini that would be great for me.

9. January Jones

She’s stars in Mad Men and used to let Ashton Kutcher hit it. Well, she’s not getting an award for having standards, so we’re good here.

8. Blake Lively

Blonde and legs that make you want to commit a hate crime against your penis.

7. Katy Perry

If you never knew the importance of a great rack until now, please realize that this is the only reason Katy Perry is on this list. She’s annoying and her music sucks, but her tits transport me to a place of magic and wonder where anything is possible. Her attorneys say otherwise, but what do they know of love?

6. Rosie Jones

I could say something here, but if I have to convince you that she’s hot, you might want to take another test in Cosmo. Because you’re gay you see.

5. Olivia Wilde

She looks like a extra on Antz or sex slave in the Star Wars cantina, but it all works. She’s beautiful. And she looks like I would need a shoehorn to get my penis in her ass. As you can understand, this pleases me a great deal.

4. Miranda Kerr

My dreams about Miranda Kerr are like and episode of Law and Order: SVU, but luckily for me that Etorphine Hydrochloride doesn’t show up in autopsies. I’m so smooth with the ladies!!

3. Ashley Greene

She looks like Megan Fox except she doesn’t need a genie to do PR for her and she likes to get naked and take pictures of herself. If you have a problem with this, then maybe you should get back to decorating your Big Top cupcake you big homo.

2. Candice Swanepoel

The only African-American on the list. I love diversity! African-Americans usually can’t pull off blonde hair, but I think she’s broken down some long held stereotypes.

1. Megan Fox

I really hope you didn’t think anybody else was gonna be #1 did you? I hope not. Because I hope it’s obvious at this point that I would have sex with Megan Fox in front of a daycare at recess.

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