Hey. Sup? Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, I probably won’t be posting tomorrow. Wait, maybe that’s good news to some of you. Probably. Anyway, let’s just assume that’s bad news. The good news is I probably won’t be posting tomorrow because the site has finally received a full redesign and has moved to a new platform. That will launch tomorrow. A lot of people who are way smarter than me say they don’t want me in here dicking up anything tomorrow while the changes are being made as the site goes live, so depending on when they finish, they’ll be no new posts tomorrow. But when I start posting, you’ll have all new galleries, a way better looking site, you’ll be able to post comments via Facebook or register with the site (no more anonymous comments), and the site will overall just be a better, user-friendly experience. Unfortunately, it won’t automatically fix my spelling and grammatical errors. It’s 2013, what’s up with that? Anyway, I’ve seen the new site, and I have to say it’s fucking awesome. We hope you guys like it, and if all goes horribly wrong, I’ll see you Thursday. Thanks for reading, and personally speaking, I love every one of you assholes.
Since somebody thought it would be a good idea to make a holiday commemorating the torture and death of Jesus and the original Newton, The Passover, we’re taking a half day here today. Like we always do on holidays. Damn, is there any holiday that doesn’t involve somebody dying or breaking into your house? What’s up, God? You okay? You need to go talk with someone? Maybe get a hug?
Note: See ya Monday. Remember to hide some painted eggs and give chocolate bunnies to little kids to remember Jesus’ sacrifice. Makes sense if you try not to think about it.
Like a legitimate rape, we’re shutting this whole thing down until Monday. Most of you are probably on a plane and/or drunk by now anyway, so have fun, be safe, and try not to kill a family member. If you do, cut off their hands and remove their teeth then burn them with the oil from the deep fryer. Then move to Mexico. They have Internet there, so we can pick all this back up on Monday.
What, with all my time taken up by hard-hitting investigative journalism and looking at pictures of boobs, there isn’t enough time in the day for me to give our audience everything it needs. What? No, not that. Who am I, your mother? Anyway, if you would like to contribute to the site by doing links posts, writing on the weekends, and dealing with me every day, please submit your reasons why I should hire you for this non-paying and thankless job. I look forward to your submissions and the best one will be posted on the site and get the job. Obviously. Duh.
To apply, send us an email by March 16th to email@example.com with the subject, “IDLYITW Intern Position” or “Face Down, Ass Up”. They mean the same thing. Haha, jk! “IDLYITW Intern Position” will be fine because there is no room for sexual harassment in the workplace. Remember that, kids.
Well, another year has come to an end, and to be honest, I can’t believe I will have been here six years next month. Fuck. Six years. What have I done with my life?! But most importantly, I think we’re mostly shocked that Lindsay Lohan isn’t dead yet. That seems like it should have happened by now, right? It does, doesn’t it? Anyway, while she will continue to taunt me in 2012, I’d like to take this time to thank everyone of you who condescends to read this site everyday. Jess and I really do appreciate it, because we know there are a billion other sites out there that have fully grasped that whole grammar and punctuation thing. Also, Jess says if we reach 10,000 fans on Facebook she’ll have sex with me then bake me something. So, let’s ring in the New Year by making that happen. In a more realistic scenario, you guys be safe tonight because we love each and everyone of you. We’re basically like a big misfit fam…what? No not like that. What would make you think we loved you like that? Jesus, dude why do you have to be such a homo all the time? It’s exhausting.
Note: Our annual “Hottest Chick” and “Best Posts” of the year will be up on Tuesday. We’re taking votes here, so if you’re not sloppy drunk and embarrassing your family and all those around you, feel free to give us a suggestion or just email it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I realize black people complain a lot about slavery and all that working for free stuff, but keep in mind, they got a free cruise to America. But what did my people get? Some blankets? What’s up with that? I dare you to go on Amazon right now and compare the price of a cruise to a blanket. Granted, you might have to adjust the cost when you add smallpox to it, but still. That doesn’t seem fair. I guess the whole point of this is to let you know we’ll be back on Monday, so you all can enjoy a day of thanks. And by “thanks”, I mean be thankful that you have a day off to watch football because we saved you from starvation to give you the energy to rape everybody and burn down shit. Also, I have Green Bay at -6 1/2.
Well, people. I’m calling it a day. But much like Jesus, I will be back in about three days probably not smelling so hot. So have a good weekend, be safe, and explain to your kids about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ by telling them a giant bunny hid them chocolate eggs and wants them to wear a stupid looking dress. I’m sure that’s what Jesus intended.
Hey guys, you’ll be too drunk and embarrassing yourselves in front of family and friends to care, but Molly and I will be back on Tuesday. What?! Don’t look at me like that! You expect me to just sit around waiting by the phone every second of everyday waiting on you?! I have a life too you know!
Now that we’ve cleared that up, I got an email a few weeks back from a chick named Iona with these (NSFW) included and the following message.
Here are a few pics, which I hope you have some love for! As a girl with no previous modelling experience, they’re probably not worthy of a place on your site…I would appreciate if you let me know what you think though. You’re a man with very fine taste (particularly in ass), it has to be said. Proud to represent Scottish girls…we may not have tits to rival the English ladies, but many would argue that asses offer more hours of fun! I ask only for my first name, Iona, to be disclosed if these go beyond your own personal viewing.
I’ve been looking for an excuse to post these, so here you go. The last time a chick sent me pics of her rack it was a cruel and vicious lie. So hopefully this isn’t. I mean, you’d think chicks who would send naked pictures to random strangers would have more class than that. It’s like I don’t know the world anymore.
[Gallery not found]
On May 18, 2010, an ass was sent from the throne of heaven to pose for the paparazzi. Ever since, Australian model, actress, and lawyer, Sophie Turner, has been an IDLYITW favorite. Through the magic of Facebook and Twitter, I was able to convince her to do an interview with us. Since she has better things to do than answer questions from a dude who writes a blog, it took her a month to answer. Since I had no direction as I child, I expected instant gratification, so I pouted like a goth chick who mistakenly got a tan. Today, that all changed when I opened my inbox.
As a current sex symbol, do you think that women are being objectified by the media and does this constant scrutiny effect young girls’ body image? Also, what are you wearing?
Of course, women are consistently being objectified by the media, it is a tremendous problem, but I’m assuming you’re not looking for me to vent about it here on IDLYITW…? In more relevant news, I’m wearing jeans and a tank top.
Your wiki page says you’re “an Australian actress and supermodel who first gained notoriety as a contestant on the Australian television series Search for a Supermodel”. Speaking of Australia, what the hell is up with Mel Gibson? And if you were his lawyer, would you seek the death penalty yourself?
I wouldn’t take the case. It would be a conflict of interest because he is going to have me star in the next massive blockbuster he produces. (He just doesn’t know yet).
On the subject of Mel Gibson, if I was to tell you that I wanted to meet you “before jacuzzi”, what would be the appropriate response?
I would have to warn you that I never “Jacuzzi” on the first date…
You were born in Melbourne to an industrial chemist father and a mother who is a highly regarded teacher to Autistic children. You published poetry at age 11 and in 2008, you earned a Bachelor of Laws degree. That being said, on a scale of 1 to double rainbow, how perfect is your ass?
I’m really not sure – Jimmy Kimmel hasn’t tweeted about it yet and as far as I know, no one has cried over it, or asked the universe what it means…
So you’re 5’9″ and weigh 125lbs. Using a cubic volume calculator, how much of that is taken up by your 34DDs and previously discussed perfect ass?
I would have to say a fairly large portion of it! Most of my weight is carried either in the back or in the front.
IMDB says you have a bunch of new movies coming out. What genre are they and will you be naked in any of them? (If the answer to that last part is “no”, please move on to the next question)
I am filming a number of independent films at the moment. I am always very careful to select artistic and complex roles, not “bimbo” or “cheerleader” roles. I offer you my humblest apologies but no, I haven’t done any naked roles, nor do I have any naked roles in my cards for the future. Sorry – I promise that if I ever change my mind and decide to reveal all, you’ll be the first to know! … (There is really no chance of that ever happening though)
Describe your perfect man.
Highly intelligent, extremely charming, funny, very smooth, charismatic, a little goofy, confident – even cocky, handsome, macho, extroverted, kind-hearted, independent, highly ambitious, ballsy, chivalrous, well educated, energetic, slightly rugged, ultra respectful, spontaneous, athletic, interesting, loving, street-smart, well-mannered… ah fuck it. That’s a trick question.
Speaking of the perfect man, I have a three-legged cat that I adopted from a certain, cruel death. Does this make you want to have sex with me more or have sex with me way more?
I have three completed screenplays. If they are sold, would you be my Uma Thurman or be all uppity and pretend you don’t know me?
Assuming that your screenplays are not cheesy, pornographic, degrading to the female species, require nudity or a lesbian mud-wrestling scene, … um actually there’s no point me finishing this answer, is there?
Is Outback Steakhouse’s Blooming Onion a concerted ploy to make Americans want to visit Australia more since the movies Crocodile Dundee and Australia backfired?
I do not endorse the Outback menu; nor have I ever heard of half the shit they claim to be Australian.
You seem to really like Paul Heyman. I’ve seen that guy. Is he holding a member of your family hostage?
Jealous, much? (Ed.’s note: That cut me deep, Shrek)
What’s the deal with you guys and boomerangs? It’s just a curved stick, right?
Yeah. A wooden stick, several inches long and a couple of .. wait, where you are going with this?
I’m going to pretend that you read this site daily, so if you were to Google “Sophie Turner” right now, you’d see this site is on the first page. Does this give you a sense of failure enough for you to agree to go out with me?
Are you kidding me? I’m still squealing a high-pitched-eyelash-battering “awwwwwww!” over the sweet little innocent kitty you rescued.
“White chocolate chips, M&Ms, Rolos, Ferrero Rochers, Cadbury Caramello, chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry on top!” Is that just your signature milkshake recipe or should it be everyone’s life motto?
White chocolate… (insert Homer Simpson drooling noise here). NB: Please send all white chocolate in an unmarked envelope to my fan address and I promise I will be your best friend for life.
In all seriousness, thanks for being born with something I can post regularly to generate pageviews and thank you for all the love you give to the site. It’s rare that we get to write about beautiful, down-to-earth, borderline geniuses. I know everyone here wishes you nothing but the best in the future if that future includes a possible nude scene. Thanks again for agreeing to waste time answering these questions, and if I need a lawyer to distract the jury, I’ll be sure to give you a call.
Thanks for boosting my ego on a regular basis, I really appreciate all the love!
If you would like to be interviewed by IDLYITW (and God knows you want to), please send your request to email@example.com.
There’s a lot of crap going on right now, so instead of boring you with a bunch of nonsensical posts, I thought I’d drop it all into one. What? “A bunch of nonsensical posts”? Yes, I know that’s what the site is already! Why don’t you….well, if you think…oh, just leave me alone!!
IDLYITW T-Shirt Model Contest is now closed: I’d like to thank everyone who disappointed their fathers and sent in pics for the t-shirt contest. We got so many emails that I needed to hire ten Haitian kids to help me pick the winners, but they just ended up beating their computers with sticks and worshiping the light switch. Maybe that was a bad idea. In the end, some of our submissions included emails from an Ivy-league member of a feminist group, a country singer/model, a paramedic, an entire sorority house, a pagan who is involved in the PTA, a pair of twins, a mother/daughter team, a professional dance instructor, a college cheerleader, a horror movie scream queen who is getting her MBA, two chicks who have been in Maxim, my ex-girlfriend, and a porn star. As soon as the final results are tallied, I’ll post the winners. As you can see, the banner is of my unrequited love, Kasey. Seriously, five separate things in this picture make me want to call my mother and a wedding planner.
Sophie Turner agreed to an interview: Through the magic of Facebook and email, I asked Sophie Turner if she would give the site an interview. She agreed. Surprisingly, she’s really cool and actually really funny. But we really don’t care about that, do we?
I’m taking questions: I get emails everyday asking me random questions. Too many times these emails get mixed up with my eHarmony and penis enlargement emails, so to keep them organized (and to let you share in my pain) I started a Formspring (better, jackass?) HERE. So feel free to ask a question, and I promise I will answer. As it says, ask me anything. Questions about your life? Will you get that promotion? Is your sister a dead lay? What’s up with that black guy? Ask me now!