This Brooke Hogan Poem Should Clear It All Up

I guess because she wants to stay in the will, Brooke Hogan wrote a poem called, If You Knew My Father, to let people know that Hulk Hogan isn’t racist an has a kind heart even though he said, “I am racist”. This a line from the poem:

Human isn’t perfect, and perfect is not he.

Remember when Brooke Hogan tried to launch a singing career and failed because she had black producers? Statistics have shown that white girls with black producers usually fail at launching successful singing careers because  lol jk did you read that line in her poem? Anyway, it’s still pretty heartfelt, I guess, and it would go a long way to change peoples’ minds, but while she was writing this, Hulk Hogan was on Twitter basically retweeting people who are wondering why he isn’t allowed to say “nigger”. I mean, because if Obama can say it since he’s half white, then why can’t Hulk Hogan? I might be reaching here, but I assume Hogan isn’t called a nigger a million times a day on social media. You know, like Obama. Please understand this is just a theory I have. I’m sure there’s a valid reason why Hogan wants to use this word so bad. Probably in a nuanced argument for prison reform I bet.

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Hulk Hogan Is Super Sorry He Hates Black People

If you haven’t been on Facebook yet, you might not know that Hulk Hogan was fired and erased by WWE after an audio conversation with Heather Chem (the chick in Hogan’s sex tape that’s currently the center of a $100M lawsuit against Gawker) in which Hogan went full on Florida Man over his daughter, Brooke Hogan, dating “a fucking nigger”. Hulk Hogan is now sorry he got caught using this language.

“Eight years ago I used offensive language during a conversation. It was unacceptable for me to have used that offensive language; there is no excuse for it; and I apologize for having done it,” Hogan said in a statement exclusively to PEOPLE“This is not who I am. I believe very strongly that every person in the world is important and should not be treated differently based on race, gender, orientation, religious beliefs or otherwise,” Hogan told PEOPLE. “I am disappointed with myself that I used language that is offensive and inconsistent with my own beliefs.”

As you read this, please keep in mind that Hogan literally said, “I am racist” and “I’d rather if she was going to f*ck some n*gger, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall n*gger worth a hundred million dollars! Like a basketball player!”. Look, man. It’s 2015. You can’t say that kinda stuff anymore. The good news is, there’s updated codewords you can use like, “Make America Great Again” and “we need to take our country back”.

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Hulk Hogan Has No Idea Who He Is Having Sex With In His Sex Tape

A Hulk Hogan sex tape surfaced yesterday featuring an “unidentified brunette woman”, and apparently she’s unidentified because Hulk Hogan has no idea who she is either. TMZ reports:

Hulk Hogan just can’t seem to identify his female co-star in the sex tape that just surfaced — telling TMZ, he banged so many chicks after he left his ex-wife … the woman could be one of MANY possible conquests. Hulk called in to TMZ Live moments ago … claiming he went on a 4-month alcohol-fueled lady-screwing bender between the time when he left his ex-wife Linda … and met his current wife Jennifer. Hulk tells us, “During that time, I don’t even remember people’s names, much less girls.” Hulk says he hasn’t had sex with another woman since meeting Jennifer 5 years ago — so the tape has to be at least 5 years old.

I don’t know what kind of man Hulk Hogan is, but when I make a sex tape, I make it a point to know the woman’s name. And her dreams and aspirations. Then I comment on her shoes and how beautiful she is and how amazing and wonderful she is and that I’ve never met someone like her before and I could totally see this going somewhere long term. I find that makes them more agreeable to anal.

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Hulk Hogan Reportedly Banged Another Wrestler. A Male Wrestler.

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Ooh! Linda Hogan has a tell-all book coming out! I wonder what she’ll say to make you want to buy it! Radar Online reports:

Linda Hogan on Tuesday implied that her ex-husband, Hulk Hogan, carried on an “intimate relationship” with his best pal out of the ring, Ed “Brutus Beefcake” Leslie. The ex wife of the immortal grappler appeared on Matty P’s Radio Happy Hour when the host went through a series of questions culled from fan emails; at one point, he asked Linda if her ex and Beefcake carried on “an intimate relationship.” “Wow, I don’t know how to answer this, so I don’t end up getting a lawsuit,” she said, laughing. “A little bird told me, ‘Yes they think they did.’”

Admittedly, professional wrestling is more homoerotic than a Details magazine, and anybody who watches it probably wrestles with themselves about make the leap to full on gay porn, but let’s just go ahead and call bullshit on this. Hulk Hogan is dating a woman who looks like his daughter, so it’s obvious his thing is transvestites.

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Hulk Hogan Is A Great Dad

In this video of Hulk Hogan doing a promo for Def Jam Rapstar, his daughter(?) Brooke tells him to “Give it to ’em hard.” It’s a little difficult to tell if he does or not, mostly because they black it out when he pulls out his cock.

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Hulk Hogan Probably Should Have Kept That a Thought

In the new issue of Rolling Stone, Hulk Hogan says he could have dealt with his estranged wife, Linda, kicking him out of his $18 million mansion or burning through $40,000 a day a little differently. And by that I mean chopping her head off. Page Six reports:

“I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody’s throat,” he told the magazine. “You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it.

Now, a day later, and I know this may come as a surprise, but Linda Hogan is now sleeping in a suit of armor and booby trapping her house like that chick did when she fought Freddy Kreuger. Her rep says:

“We have always maintained that the fear that Linda has had to live with comes from the rage and instability much too often associated with pro wrestlers,” Gary Smith says in a statement. “Linda and her family are taking these recent homicidal comments seriously. Linda’s attorney Ray Rafool is weighting all options necessary to protect his client.”

Man, what’s the world coming to? You can’t even make a passing joke about your detailed plan to stalk and decapitate your ex-wife without everybody getting all huffy and weird about it. What about laughter? Does anybody remember laughter?

Hulk Hogan, his daughter, and his girlfriend. Feel free to think this is creepy:

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Links Less Crazy Than The Hulk’s Trial

Hulk Hogan even turns his divorce hearings into Wrestlemania like arguments. [FadedYouthBlog]

That Joaquin Phoenix fight might have been staged. [Yahoo!]

The Pussycat Dolls recorded their own version of the Oscar winning song “Jai Ho.” And their video is certainly full of Hos. [ImNotObsessed]

Hayden Panettiere insists she isn’t trying to get Milo Ventimiglia fired from Heroes. Though I have to ask: Why not just fire her from Heroes? [ICYDK]

Kim Kardashian went shopping and used her ridiculous body to try on ridiculous clothes. Site NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]

Evan Rachel Wood in lingerie” should be enough to get you to click what I want you to click. [Egotastic]

Is Natalie Portman all a-twitter over Twilight’s Rob Pattinson? [JustJared (more…)

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Hulk Hogan is Gross

Brooke Hogan wasn’t cloned, this is just Brooke Hogan and her father’s girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel, at a pool in Miami. Hulk Hogan’s girlfriend who looks exactly like his teenage daughter. Exactly. The only way these pictures could be more creepy is if they were wearing baby bonnets and using Hulk’s penis as a pacifier.

Photos: Splash

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The Hogans are Perverts

A few months ago Hulk Hogan put suntan lotion in his hands and rubbed it out his 20 year old daughter’s ass. He was even thoughtful enough to rub it in her ass crack. You remember that being creepy as hell, right? Yeah, apparently Brooke Hogan doesn’t think so. US Magazine reports:

I know I’m a grown woman, but it’s like he’s touching an old car,” the singer tells Us Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands now. “He used to change my diaper!” she adds.”

The last time I checked Brooke Hogan wasn’t caught in a chemical spill that left her with T-Rex arms, so I’m gonna take a wild stab and say that she can put suntan lotion on her own ass. But she wants her dad to do it. Her dad. On her ass. If my mom wanted to put suntan lotion on my ass, they’d have to cut off her hands and let a chick in a Hooters calendar wear them as gloves. Even then they’d have to put glitter on them or paint rainbows on them or something, because I’d still know, man. I’d still know.

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Nick Hogan is Suffering

A judge denied Nick Hogan’s request to serve the remainder of his sentence in his family’s mansion, because as it turns out, spending less than month in jail after you pleaded no contest to reckless driving involving serious bodily injury which left your friend a permanent vegetable, doesn’t really balance the scales of justice. Due to numerous media requests, the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office released pictures of a cell that is “identical to his cell in size, configuration and furnishings” as Nick Hogan’s. So basically, here are pictures of wittle baby’s cell. While John Graziano is unresponsive to light in his eyes or the voices of his parents, here’s a list of Nick Hogan’s daily activities:

Morning Breakfast:
Approx. 3:30 a.m. in the cell

Working away from the cell in Inmate Property Section:
Approximately 8:00 – 2:00 p.m. No work on Saturday and Sunday

Approx. 10:30 a.m. – in the Inmate Property Section

3:00 p.m – 4:00 p.m., Tuesday, Friday and Sunday at Video Visitation booth on the floor, down the hall from his cell.

Approx. 4:00 p.m. in the cell

Daily activities where Bollea is out of his cell also include; Attorney visits, recreation (1 hour), several daily telephone calls

Other services available to Bollea: Inmate library books are delivered, Chaplain services, inmate mail, law library materials are available by request, commissary items.”

I’m not one to advocate physical violence, but if after Nick Hogan got raped by a battering ram and a pterodactyl swooped him up to feed his crybaby ass to her young, I think I could find it in my heart to get over it.

Update: Since he cried like a pussy, Nick Hogan was transferred last night to a cell with three other guys. This is so going to work out because I bet those three other dudes also live in Florida mansions whose privileged life of excess with their enabling parents who handed them everything they ever wanted airs on MTV. They’ll all become instant friends because they’ll be able to relate. The three other guys will be able to bond and share just how their missteps landed them in such a tight spot like Nick Hogan’s asshole.

Source: Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office

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