Hugh Hefner’s Dust Sperm Couldn’t Get Holly Madison Pregnant

If you remember that E! show about the chicks living at the Playboy Mansion, then you remember Holly Madison because she was the hottest one (yes, she was. stop your internal dialogue). Well, she has a book out now that basically says Hugh Hefner went around Bill Cosbying people and he once tried to buy her soul for $3M. She also described her time at the mansion as a “living hell”. New excerpts are dropping today, and to complete the circle of woman logic, she says she wanted to have a baby with him. She wanted a baby with the guy that she talked about in the second sentence of this opening paragraph.

‘I know how absolutely insane it sounds to want to have kids with someone in their 70s. You are basically robbing a child of his or her father before it is even born,’ she writes. Adding: ‘Now that I am a mom myself, the idea seems even more unpalatable.’ Holly welcomed her first child, daughter Rainbow Aurora Rotella, with her husband Pasquale Rotella on March 5, 2013. Writing about her baby plans with Hef, Holly explained that she saw it as a way of making all his other girlfriends leave.  ‘I suppose I thought of it as a ticket out – in more ways than one. The last time the mansion had been multiple-girlfriend-free was when Hef was married and had two children.’ Unfortunately for Holly, her scheme was squashed when she discovered that none of the octogenarian’s sperm were viable. She said: ‘This was concrete proof slapping me in the face that there was no future for me at the mansion.’

We can break down that whole blockquote by basically just saying she wanted to get pregnant to get rid of every other ho at the mansion. That seems pretty stable and well thought out. It was a living hell, but if she could have had Lord Baelish combined their two houses then everything wouldn’t that much of a living hell or something. I don’t know. Can’t wait to read new excerpts from her book where she talks about her time as the president of the Playboy Mansion pool’s chapter of the NAACP.


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Hugh Hefner Has A Pretty Good Life

In light of the newly released documentary Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist, and Rebel, the octogenarian icon of men everywhere sat down with the NY Daily News who asked him this hard-hitting question:

What do you say to women who say you objectify the female form?
The notion that Playboy turns women into sex objects is ridiculous. Women are sex objects. If women weren’t sex objects, there wouldn’t be another generation. It’s the attraction between the sexes that makes the world go ’round. That’s why women wear lipstick and short skirts.

Did this even need to be asked? The man claims to have bedded over 2,000 women in his day. Does that say great monogamist and lover of women to you? However, I don’t disagree with him. As women, we have a great power in our hands. We can use our feminine charms to get what we want, when we want it. So many people (mostly bitter females) say Hef is a pig, a pervert, or a pimp. I say he’s a genius. Women have always used their sexuality as leverage, and Hef used that to his advantage to fulfill his biological needs as a man to spread his seed as far and wide as he can, to take the taboo out of sex, and to make himself a multimillionaire. He didn’t create that concept, he just capitalized on it. Give the man some credit! In his 80s, he was banging 19 year old twins. Any criticism is just straight up jealousy.

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Playboy Launches

I know we usually bring you nude photos, but if you ever want to chase the vintage nude, old Playboys were always the way to go. You can find some at trashy thrift stores, and even others are considered “collectors” items.

Too bad the digital age has something to say about that:

Through a partnership between Microsoft and Bondi Digital Publishing, Playboy Enterprises has put 53 back issues of Playboy on the Web, viewable through Microsoft’s Silverlight viewer.

The images are free to access at, with no age verification required.

The issues cover the years 1954 through 2007, and appear as they did in the print version, with advertisements left intact. To do so, Bondi Digital Publishing – the software pioneers that developed the platform for The Complete New Yorker – scanned and re-typed each issue of Playboy, the company said in a statement.

“Playboy has an incredibly rich history and an intensely loyal readership,” said Hugh M. Hefner, Playboy founder, editor-in-chief and chief creative officer, in a statement. “This is the perfect opportunity to offer them something they have always wanted and also a great way to allow a whole new generation to easily explore the magazine.”


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None Of It’s Real, But Who Cares?

Above: Lexie Contursi AKA Sexi Lexi at the Valentine’s Day Charity Party for Playmate Jayde Nicole’s “Lengths of Love.”

Jayde, who is dating Sir Douchey Spencer Pratt planned “Lengths of Love” as a charity where Brody and Jayde grow their hair out for a year, then cut it off and donate it to charity.

Great. So some poor cancer patient is going to get hair that was in the page’s of Playboy and hair so gelled to shit that it looks like their hair stood up straight and stayed that way when they were told they had cancer.

Hef is still out partying, which is nice. But it’s sort of like Grandpa telling sex jokes: it’s charming until he whips his dick out.

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Comcast Broadcasts Super-Porn

I was obviously watching the wrong cable provider for the Superbowl if I missed this:

Super Bowl fans in Tucson, Ariz. were subjected to 30 seconds of hard core porn — wang and all — when somehow, the game feed was suddenly interrupted by a clip from an adult television channel.

Comcast — the cable company in Tucson — is working on an explanation, but right now it appears the porn break in only occurred in its standard-definition feed reaching analog TV sets.

Comcast has since issued a statement, saying: “We are mortified by last evening’s Super Bowl interruption, and deeply apologize to our customers for the inappropriate programming. We are aggressively investigating the situation including the possibility of foul play.”

Unfortunately, I can’t find the actual wang shot referenced, but I do have pictures from the Playboy Superbowl party, complete with Bret Michaels and body-painted womens. That’s almost as good as 30 seconds of porn.

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Kendra Cheated On Hef

Kendra Wilkinson, the most angular and outspoken of Hef’s ex-wives, the Girls Next Door, has recently revealed to Us Weekly that being Hugh Hefner’s kept woman wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

“Besides the nights we went out, I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office. There were never solo dates,” she said.

“The most we kind of say to each other is, ‘I love you,’ ‘Love you too,’ ‘I hope you have a good day,’ ‘Did you have a good day?’ ”

Despite the lack of face time, Wilkinson says fellow ex-girlfriend and “Girls Next Door” star Bridget Marquardt never strayed from their boyfriend.

“Bridget told me that she’s been faithful all these years, and I was like, ‘How the hell can you do that?’ I had to have [sex] so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being.”

Kendra was kept on an allowance of $1,000 dollars a week, which means an annual eye-candy payday of $52,000 a year.

Which means I’m too poor to hire a wife. I always expected that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Maybe I’ll get a discount wife from a poorer neighborhood.

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Hef’s New Girlfriend is Subtle, Part Two

In case you thought this was going to be it, Dasha Astafyeva wants you to know that she feels like you didn’t get a real good view of her ass. Wow. This chick couldn’t be more of an attention whore if she had antlers implanted on her head or shot a lion out of her vagina.

These might be NSFW:

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Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend is Subtle

Dasha Astafieva, Hugh Hefner’s actual 23-year old Ukranian girlfriend (not these two hookers) and January 2009 Playmate of the Month, showed up at Playboy’s 55th Anniversary party basically naked. She doesn’t even try to hide the fact that we can totally see her strip though her dress. In fact, I just recreated the after-party with semen and a doilie.

These are probably NSFW:

Photos: Splash

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Hugh Hefner’s Twins Are Felons

As you know, Hugh Hefner has replaced his old whores with two 19 year old twins. Specifically, Karissa and Kristina Shannon. That’s what their probation officer calls them. E! Online reports:

“Florida police records show that 19-year-old twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon, who appear to be seeking permanent quarters in the Playboy Mansion, are currently on probation for a battery bust in St. Petersberg. The sisters were arrested in the early morning hours of Jan. 10 and booked on suspicion of felony aggravated battery, per arrest reports obtained by E! News. They were released from custody after posting $10,000 bonds and were later given probation and ordered to pay restitution for the incident, the details of which have not been determined just yet. Prior to that run-in with the law, Karissa Shannon was arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor battery last November. No further information about their dual arrests was available, but their records do indicate that the blonde, blue-eyed twins aren’t exactly identical. Turns out Karissa has a cross tattooed on her lower back, while her sister has no identiyfing scars, marks or tattoos.”

Crazy white blonde chicks are hot, so hey, whatever. And let’s keep this in perspective, because to reiterate, they’re two blonde white girls. It’s hard to build a case for felony aggravated battery when the victim orgasms at some point.

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Links Next Door

Lindsay Lohan is big boobed (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Ashley Tisdale ugly watch (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Diddy is a retard [Just Jared]
Angelina Jolie got a tummy tuck [Hollywood Rag]
Carmen Electra is old news [Hollywood Tuna]
Jennifer Garner is still pregnant [Popsugar]
The Olsen Twins refuse to grow up [City Rag]
Suri Cruise runs! [Dlisted]
Shannen Doherty does Details magazine [Popoholic]
Hugh Hefner confirms what we already know [Socialite Life]
Courteney Cox admits she uses Botox [Lainey Gossip]
Scary Spice gets Photoshopped in her lingerie [Egotastic]

Hugh Hefner’s new twin whores (click thumbnails for NSFW pics):

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