Jared Leto Is Playing Hugh Hefner
Jared Leto Is Playing Hugh Hefner

 

If your skin hasn’t crawled in a while, Brett Ratner is making a Hugh Hefner movie. We already know what that means. If you thought it would be unrealistic, congrats, Jared Leto is playing Hefner.

Jared Leto will soon be donning the iconic silk pajamas and smoking jacket of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, who died Sept. 27 at age 91, for an upcoming biopic from Brett Ratner. “Jared is an old friend,” says Ratner, who will direct the film. “When he heard I got the rights to Hef’s story, he told me, ‘I want to play him. I want to understand him.’ And I really believe Jared can do it. He’s one of the great actors of today.”

So, this movie will basically be just titties in slow mo and Jared Leto in a robe walking around the slo mo titties. My over under on the Rotten Tomatoes score is 34%. Fans of Batman v Superman should love it.

 

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Hugh Hefner Didn’t Leave His Wife, Crystal Harris, Anything In His Will
Hugh Hefner Didn’t Leave His Wife, Crystal Harris, Anything In His Will

 

As we all know, Hugh Hefner died Wednesday night and all the takes about his life came yesterday. Hey, did you know Hugh Hefner got women naked for profit?! Me either. I must have missed that. Big if true. The news that was missed, however, was the death of his wife’s dreams of rolling in money.

Crystal Harris may not inherit anything from her late husband, Hugh Hefner, who died of natural causes at the age of 91 on Wednesday, September 27. A source exclusively told Us Weekly in 2013 that the legendary magazine publisher and the model, 31, signed an “ironclad” prenuptial agreement before their wedding at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles in December 2012. She had not been added to his pre-existing will at the time. Instead, his massive fortune had been promised to “his children, the University of Southern California film school and a variety of charities,” the insider told Us.

In what might be the worst self-own in modern history, Crystal Harris had to pretend to like sucking on a penis that was around during the Great Depression and got no money out of it. As far as Hugh Hefner’s standards go, Crystal Harris is kinda ugly, and also her name is “Crystal”. Somebody probably let him know that leaving her money would put a stain on his legacy.

 

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Hugh Hefner Died (1926 – 2017)
Hugh Hefner Died (1926 – 2017)

 

This really comes as a shock, because I thought Hugh Hefner was already dead. That was not the case. He died last night of something.

 

Hefner built an empire by thinking dudes would like seeing naked women in a magazine in between articles about politics. He was right. However, his empire crumbled a bit because jerking off pivoted to video and people now get their political opinions from memes. Anyway, he made a lot of women famous by talking them into taking their clothes off, so good for him.

 

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Hugh Hefner’s Dust Sperm Couldn’t Get Holly Madison Pregnant

If you remember that E! show about the chicks living at the Playboy Mansion, then you remember Holly Madison because she was the hottest one (yes, she was. stop your internal dialogue). Well, she has a book out now that basically says Hugh Hefner went around Bill Cosbying people and he once tried to buy her soul for $3M. She also described her time at the mansion as a “living hell”. New excerpts are dropping today, and to complete the circle of woman logic, she says she wanted to have a baby with him. She wanted a baby with the guy that she talked about in the second sentence of this opening paragraph.

‘I know how absolutely insane it sounds to want to have kids with someone in their 70s. You are basically robbing a child of his or her father before it is even born,’ she writes. Adding: ‘Now that I am a mom myself, the idea seems even more unpalatable.’ Holly welcomed her first child, daughter Rainbow Aurora Rotella, with her husband Pasquale Rotella on March 5, 2013. Writing about her baby plans with Hef, Holly explained that she saw it as a way of making all his other girlfriends leave.  ‘I suppose I thought of it as a ticket out – in more ways than one. The last time the mansion had been multiple-girlfriend-free was when Hef was married and had two children.’ Unfortunately for Holly, her scheme was squashed when she discovered that none of the octogenarian’s sperm were viable. She said: ‘This was concrete proof slapping me in the face that there was no future for me at the mansion.’

We can break down that whole blockquote by basically just saying she wanted to get pregnant to get rid of every other ho at the mansion. That seems pretty stable and well thought out. It was a living hell, but if she could have had Lord Baelish combined their two houses then everything wouldn’t that much of a living hell or something. I don’t know. Can’t wait to read new excerpts from her book where she talks about her time as the president of the Playboy Mansion pool’s chapter of the NAACP.

 

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Hugh Hefner Has A Pretty Good Life

In light of the newly released documentary Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist, and Rebel, the octogenarian icon of men everywhere sat down with the NY Daily News who asked him this hard-hitting question:

What do you say to women who say you objectify the female form?
The notion that Playboy turns women into sex objects is ridiculous. Women are sex objects. If women weren’t sex objects, there wouldn’t be another generation. It’s the attraction between the sexes that makes the world go ’round. That’s why women wear lipstick and short skirts.

Did this even need to be asked? The man claims to have bedded over 2,000 women in his day. Does that say great monogamist and lover of women to you? However, I don’t disagree with him. As women, we have a great power in our hands. We can use our feminine charms to get what we want, when we want it. So many people (mostly bitter females) say Hef is a pig, a pervert, or a pimp. I say he’s a genius. Women have always used their sexuality as leverage, and Hef used that to his advantage to fulfill his biological needs as a man to spread his seed as far and wide as he can, to take the taboo out of sex, and to make himself a multimillionaire. He didn’t create that concept, he just capitalized on it. Give the man some credit! In his 80s, he was banging 19 year old twins. Any criticism is just straight up jealousy.

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Playboy Launches PlayboyArchive.com

I know we usually bring you nude photos, but if you ever want to chase the vintage nude, old Playboys were always the way to go. You can find some at trashy thrift stores, and even others are considered “collectors” items.

Too bad the digital age has something to say about that:

Through a partnership between Microsoft and Bondi Digital Publishing, Playboy Enterprises has put 53 back issues of Playboy on the Web, viewable through Microsoft’s Silverlight viewer.

The images are free to access at PlayboyArchive.com, with no age verification required.

The issues cover the years 1954 through 2007, and appear as they did in the print version, with advertisements left intact. To do so, Bondi Digital Publishing – the software pioneers that developed the platform for The Complete New Yorker – scanned and re-typed each issue of Playboy, the company said in a statement.

“Playboy has an incredibly rich history and an intensely loyal readership,” said Hugh M. Hefner, Playboy founder, editor-in-chief and chief creative officer, in a statement. “This is the perfect opportunity to offer them something they have always wanted and also a great way to allow a whole new generation to easily explore the magazine.”

(more…)

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None Of It’s Real, But Who Cares?

Above: Lexie Contursi AKA Sexi Lexi at the Valentine’s Day Charity Party for Playmate Jayde Nicole’s “Lengths of Love.”

Jayde, who is dating Sir Douchey Spencer Pratt planned “Lengths of Love” as a charity where Brody and Jayde grow their hair out for a year, then cut it off and donate it to charity.

Great. So some poor cancer patient is going to get hair that was in the page’s of Playboy and hair so gelled to shit that it looks like their hair stood up straight and stayed that way when they were told they had cancer.

Hef is still out partying, which is nice. But it’s sort of like Grandpa telling sex jokes: it’s charming until he whips his dick out.

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Comcast Broadcasts Super-Porn

I was obviously watching the wrong cable provider for the Superbowl if I missed this:

Super Bowl fans in Tucson, Ariz. were subjected to 30 seconds of hard core porn — wang and all — when somehow, the game feed was suddenly interrupted by a clip from an adult television channel.

Comcast — the cable company in Tucson — is working on an explanation, but right now it appears the porn break in only occurred in its standard-definition feed reaching analog TV sets.

Comcast has since issued a statement, saying: “We are mortified by last evening’s Super Bowl interruption, and deeply apologize to our customers for the inappropriate programming. We are aggressively investigating the situation including the possibility of foul play.”

Unfortunately, I can’t find the actual wang shot referenced, but I do have pictures from the Playboy Superbowl party, complete with Bret Michaels and body-painted womens. That’s almost as good as 30 seconds of porn.

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Kendra Cheated On Hef

Kendra Wilkinson, the most angular and outspoken of Hef’s ex-wives, the Girls Next Door, has recently revealed to Us Weekly that being Hugh Hefner’s kept woman wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

“Besides the nights we went out, I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office. There were never solo dates,” she said.

“The most we kind of say to each other is, ‘I love you,’ ‘Love you too,’ ‘I hope you have a good day,’ ‘Did you have a good day?’ ”

Despite the lack of face time, Wilkinson says fellow ex-girlfriend and “Girls Next Door” star Bridget Marquardt never strayed from their boyfriend.

“Bridget told me that she’s been faithful all these years, and I was like, ‘How the hell can you do that?’ I had to have [sex] so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being.”

Kendra was kept on an allowance of $1,000 dollars a week, which means an annual eye-candy payday of $52,000 a year.

Which means I’m too poor to hire a wife. I always expected that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Maybe I’ll get a discount wife from a poorer neighborhood.

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Hef’s New Girlfriend is Subtle, Part Two



In case you thought this was going to be it, Dasha Astafyeva wants you to know that she feels like you didn’t get a real good view of her ass. Wow. This chick couldn’t be more of an attention whore if she had antlers implanted on her head or shot a lion out of her vagina.

These might be NSFW:

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