Leonardo DiCaprio Had Girl Problems

In a recent interview, Leonardo DiCaprio revealed he was a “slow starter” with women. I really hope he doesn’t expect me to feel sorry for him.

“He said: “I’ve always been a slow starter. My first date was with a girl called Cessi. We had a beautiful relationship over the phone all summer and then when we met I couldn’t look her in the eye.” The 33-year-old star – who recently revealed he is keen to put his playboy lifestyle behind him and settle down – is notoriously secretive about his private life, but claims he has to be in order to ensure he is believable as an actor.”

What a touching story. Poor Leonardo. He had to suffer through that embarrassment just so he could live to get balls deep in Helena Christensen, Gisele Bundchen, and Bar Refaeli. I just don’t know how he managed to live like that. My penis heard me reading this and he picked up a megaphone and started passing out flyers in protest.

Bar Refaeli:

Gisele Bundchen:

Helena Christensen (NSFW):

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Helena Christensen is in a Bikini

I tried to find a time machine to take me back to place where Helena Christensen’s face didn’t look like something that was found on an archaeological dig, but as it turns out, time machines don’t exist. That’s a shame, because Helena Christensen used to be super hot. At least her body looks sorta okay. I mean, I’d still hit it, but only if there wasn’t a game on.

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Heath Ledger is Closed

After almost eight months of finding nothing, the federal investigation into Heath Ledger’s death has been officially closed. Mary-Kate Olsen was reportedly set to be subpoenaed later this month, but the U.S. Attorney’s office apparently saw enough of the DEA going around the country interviewing models and actresses over an accidental overdose and shut the entire investigation down. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the Heath Ledger investigation say the Drug Enforcement Administration set a new low for starfucking. People who have talked to TMZ off the record are now willing to go on record — still anonymously — about one of the most bizarre DEA power grabs ever. How’s this for starters … no one we’ve spoken with connected with the case can point to a single DEA case where a massive investigation was launched over an accidental death in which no criminality was even hinted at. We know the DEA went all over the country, in one case tracking down a guy in California who smoked a joint with Ledger in the ’90s, telling him he had to testify in a Grand Jury probe. And how’s this for chutzpah … the DEA told the guy he would have to pay his own way to NYC to testify before the Grand Jury!…We know the NYPD was furious at the DEA for making an immediate power grab to control what should have been a simple case. NYPD cops felt “humiliated” by what one source called “utter disrespect” on the part of the DEA. As for the U.S. Attorney’s office, we’re told officials say they were appalled at what they felt was a “bogus” investigation.”

Well, I guess you can’t really blame the DEA for wanting to interview Michelle Williams and Helena Christensen. Because, you know, it’s always good to question people who have absolutely nothing to do with the victim at the time of his death. Instead of these two, the DEA should have interviewed my neighbor’s cats. Although in the DEA’s defense, my neighbor’s cats don’t have nice tits.

Mary-Kate Olsen last month:

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Helena Christensen is Topless

Since starring in the video that cured ED, Helena Christensen hasn’t done much that we’ve seen, but here she is with her boyfriend, Interpol frontman Paul Banks, in Miami yesterday. In related news, I was in North Carolina yesterday cutting grass and cleaning up trash from a trash bag that a stray dog tore open. Man, Paul Banks and I sure are a pair of exciting guys!

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Heath Ledger is Smooth

Actor Heath Ledger just recently broke up with child actress Michelle Williams and is reportedly dating Helena Christensen, but that didn’t stop him from trying to pick up some ladies in New York this weekend. Page Six says:

Our spies, however, spotted him leaving the Beatrice Inn in the West Village early Sunday morning, looking for a fresh catch. “He wasn’t drinking, but he was there with his friend,” we’re told. “The friend chased two girls as they were leaving and gave them Heath’s address. He told them to meet at Heath’s new apartment in SoHo.” Ledger’s rep did not return calls.”

Man, I totally have to use that, because women just love it when they’re being chased down the street by a stranger. I hear that 1 out of 10 times this happens the police never even show up! Wow, can you believe that?! It’s obvious women think this is really romantic.

Helena Christensen:

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