Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt Have Easy Access To Guns



If there was ever an argument to abolish the 2nd Amendment, U.K.’s Channel 5, aired a documentary, Speidi: Scandal, Secrets & Surgery!, where Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt showed off their collection of guns. I understand what the Huffington Post is trying to do here, but I live in the South, and trust me on this, this is not an “arsenal”. It is, however, two idiots with semi-automatics and a sniper rifle who are broke because they thought the Mayans were right. And after watching the video, I’m pretty sure Heidi Montag has never even held a gun before. But as we all know, nothing stops a bad guy with a gun like a two reality show contestants.

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Heidi Montag Is Broke Because Of The Mayan Apolocalypse



Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt once made $10 million because America is stupid, but they pissed it all away because they thought the world would end on December 21, 2012. So, yeah. SF Gate reports:

In 2010, Pratt revealed the couple was broke and on the verge of bankruptcy, and they even gave up their luxury home and moved in with his father to save money. He has now admitted they deliberately spent all their cash before December 21, 2012 —the day the world was set to end, according to a prophesy based on the Mayan calendar. He tells Britain’s OK! magazine, “We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits. “Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end.” Opening up about his extravagant lifestyle, Pratt adds, “I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.”

I’m not gonna lie, the History Channel made me think the world was going to end and a friend of mine almost had me convinced that on December 22, aliens would activate their DNA they secretly implanted in us. I guess what I’m saying is it’s probably a good thing I didn’t have ten million dollars.

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Heidi Montag Says She Works Out 14 Hours A Day



Hey, you remember when your grandfather would sit you down on his knee and tell you about the utopia when women weren’t allowed to speak? Maybe we should revisit that. Us Magazine says:
Before she slipped back into a bikini for Saturday’s party at Las Vegas’ Wet Republic — the last time she was photographed in a two-piece was April 2010 — Heidi Montag spent some serious time in the gym. “I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told Us Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.” At her heaviest, the 5’2″ reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she’s currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights,” she said. “When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].” “My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time,” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

Even if this were anywhere close to being true, please keep in mind that she worked out for 14 hours a day for two months so she could attend….a fucking pool party. Can we just shoot her? I mean, nobody has a problem with that, right? Or we can just put blinking lights on a shotgun and tell her the barrel has to go in her mouth and point toward her brain. Because it’s a magic barrel you see, Heidi. And when you pull the trigger, wait did I say trigger? I meant magic lever. And when you pull that magic lever, Heidi, the aliens who gave us this technology will make you the prettiest and smartest woman by the Wet Republic pool area. Just think of it, Heidi. The pool area!

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Heidi And Spencer Are Back Together

My faith in the sanctity of marriage has been restored. According to TMZ:

As we previously reported, Heidi called off her divorce from Spencer — and as a symbol of their (unfortunately) undying love, Speidi fed each other s’mores that they’d cooked over an inferno of legal docs.

Heidi tells TMZ she was waiting for Spencer to make her his top priority: “All I ever wanted was to know that Spencer loved me more than he loved all this other nonsense.”

For his part, Spencer tells us, “Through everything it’s been Heidi’s love that kept me grounded. Realizing my behavior was pushing her away was a terrifying wake-up call. I’ve still got a long way to go to repair the trust, but I hope with continued self improvement, our relationship will be stronger than ever.”

(more…)

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Wow. Imagine That.



Life’s too short to care about your dignity or to pretend you’re divorced and fighting a vindictive ex-husband to stop the release of a sex tape, so Heidi Montag is now meeting with Vivid to work out a “backend deal”. OMG, I can hardly believe it! TMZ reports:
We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon. We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag. Hirsch told us he’s leaving for Costa Rica sometime next week.

Since they’re estranged and in the middle of a bitter feud, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are vacationing together in Costa Rica right now, so expect the sex tape to be released sometime soon. Mainly because they’re not even trying anymore to make this not look like exactly what it is. I don’t know if anybody has a swarm of bees or a bunch of mutant sharks with lasers for eyes laying around, but I hear Costa Rica has exciting vacation packages! In Costa Rica the visitor can enjoy lovely tropical beaches, the grandest adventures, the wonders of nature, scintillating culture, all the necessary components of an ideal vacation. No wonder, then, that thousands of tourists have made Costa Rica their top travel choice!

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Heidi Montag Made A Lesbian Sex Tape With This



Spencer Pratt has now sent a sex tape featuring Heidi Montag and Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon to Vivid. I wonder how much she’s getting? TMZ reports:
We’re told not too long ago Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi … moving out some of his stuff. Sources tell us Spencer came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and Karissa — and the light bulb went off.
Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment
— much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi. We could not reach Heidi and her reps were mum. As for Karissa Shannon — she tells us such a tape does indeed exist, but she’s not convinced Spencer really has it. Karissa says if the tape ever sees the light of day, she’ll sue the pants off him.

Man, this sounds like so much drama! That is until you realize that if the tape “sees the light of day”, it means that both Heidi and Karissa Shannon will have signed consent forms. Which of course is just a formality at this point so they can feign shock and disgust in the media while cashing their checks from Vivid in private. See how that works? Good. You know what also works? Emery Cat. It not only satisfies your cat’s need to scratch but also trims its nails at the same time! No more shredded furniture! A cat scratching post and nail grooming board all rolled into one! Thanks, Emery Cat!

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Spencer Pratt Is Logical

Remember how Spencer Pratt is claiming to be shopping a sex tape? Well, he’s named his price and of course, being the beacon of rationality that he is, it’s an appropriate figure. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ … Spencer Pratt has a price in mind for the Heidi Montag sex tape — $5,000,000!!! Sources close to the deal tell TMZ they have heard Spencer’s asking price and that Vivid doesn’t think the figure is “an unreasonable price.”

For his part, Spencer tells TMZ that he has an “entire website’s” worth of footage, saying, “I will knock Club Jenna out of the water.”

Spencer went on to say he thinks releasing the tapes will be good for Heidi, saying, “When I realized how much Kim [Kardashian] was making, my logic is this is the best thing I can do for my ex-wife. Kim is on the cover of Allure right now. Heidi isn’t on the cover of Allure.”

(more…)

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Heidi Montag Has A Sex Tape



Spencer Pratt is an unrepentant douche who needs to work on his perm and Heidi Montag could start for the USA Attention Whore team, so the only shock here is that we haven’t seen it yet. TMZ reports:
We’re told Spencer has contacted the Rolls-Royce of porn — Vivid Entertainment — and is asking for a meeting. As we first reported, Heidi has threatened to sue Spencer over a tell-all book — but she has not made any mention of a sex tape. Unclear if the alleged sex tape with Heidi is pre or post-op. Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch tells us, “I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag.” He continues, “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.” Spencer has told a friend that the alleged tape “makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur.”

Let’s not pretend that Heidi Montag isn’t directly involved with these negotiations and let’s really not pretend that my penis is abnormally large. It’s not. I mean, I’ll accept that check from BP Oil, but a lot of people helped out with that, not just me.

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The Understatement Of The Year Award Goes To…

“We love each other but I’m a famewhore and I’ll never grow out of it,” Pratt tells PEOPLE. “[Heidi] knows that and doesn’t want that.”… “I’m switching it up,” he says. “I’ve already gone for the blonde, spiky-haired look. Now I’m going for the Hollywood producer look.” Continues Pratt: “I’m an artist now. I have an easel and everything. I’m going for an art show and a gallery.”

Hollywood producer look? I have seen bums under the freeway that look more respectable than this douchebeard. Not only are his chin pubes uber obnoxious (almost as obnoxious as people who say uber), his incoherent ramblings make Mel Gibson look like fucking Socrates. Spencer, do us all a favor, put down the paint-by-numbers- he has an easel and everything!- and volunteer for sterilization. I would wish a slow painful death upon him, but at least he’s entertaining… I’m looking at you Kardashians!

King Spencer and Frankenskank his “estranged” wife:

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Heidi Montag Is A Brilliant Actress




Not only does Heidi Montag suffer from body dysmorphia, she also appears to have been dropped on her head as a kid. Monsters and Critics reports:
The Hills star posted a 30-second video clip of herself shooting targets at a gun range, with the help of an American Defence Enterprises instructor, on what she believes was director Michael Bay’s Twitter page. Before launching into action-hero mode, Montag turns to the camera and says, “This is for you, Michael Bay”, before moving around the target range and firing at will. But it is not known whether the reality star sent her audition to the real Michael Bay or someone else with the same name. The person who received Montag’s message – known as “the fake Michael Bay” – posted a bizarre reply: “Thanks sweetheart, but how are you with Turtle wax on Ferrari paint?”

I have no idea what being at a shooting range has to do with her tits, but maybe she should take a walk on the beach or skip rocks across a lake and think about it. The only way she could make a good audition tape is if she was on a tarp and Guy #12 was jacking off because Guy #11 was taking too long.

Note: Not gonna lie, this pic kinda turns me on. I live in the South. What do you want from me?

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