Hayden Panettiere Is Super Pregnant

With all the unrest happening in the world right now, we seemed to have overlooked what appears to be a scientific breakthrough in interspecies procreation, because garden gnome  Hayden Panettiere attended the Enmmys last night still carrying Russian government experiment Wladimir Klitschko‘s unborn “child”. It’s only a matter of time before it claws through her vagina and terrorizes villagers and disemboweling farm animals for sport, but his mother looks absolutely radiant here. She also seems to have gotten pregnant in her ass. I slept through most of my biology classes so I didn’t know that was a thing.

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Hayden Panettiere Is Pregnant
Hayden Panettiere Is Pregnant

 

"My vagina (to scale) after LOL!"

 

Us Weekly is reporting that Hayden Panettiere is pregnant, because "pregnant" is the only word science has for this kind of thing. If Hayden's pregnancy goes full term, it will be first succesful instance of interspecies breeding. Congrats to the happy couple.

Hayden's headed to mommyhood! Hayden Panettiere is pregnant and expecting her first child with fiance Wladimir Klitschko, a source reveals exclusively in the new issue of Us Weekly. "Hayden is totally pregnant!" the insider tells Us of the Nashville star, 24, who has been engaged to Klitschko, 38, for a year.

This is just another ploy by Obama and Putin to manipulate Hayden into orchestrating an epidural shortage in an effort to help the black market Russian economy, but I also expect this baby to come out swinging Hayden's spine whle wearing a Viking helmet and bear skin cape.

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Hayden Panettiere Is A Graceful Swan

I really didn't post a lot about the MET Gala (EXCEPTION) , because really, who cares? Man, a bunch of celebrities got dressed up and went someplace. Cool. But apparently Hayden Panettiere was the belle of the ball and tripped down the stairs. You'd think her low center of gravity of prevent shit like this, but please keep in mind that her boyfriend is mutant giant who has probably eaten a whole live goat at some point. Panettiere is forced to have sex with this, so excuse her if her spine isn't all that stable.

 

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Hayden Panettiere Wants You To See The Actual Size

Hayden Panettiere and her boyfriend, a giant from Middle Earth, went to a charity event over the weekend, and I don't know what she's trying to show us here, but I assume it will be bigger after the honeymoon.

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Hey, Guys. Hayden Panettiere Wants You To Notice Her Butt

I'm gonna be honest for a minute here, I've never really understood the appeal of Hayden Panettiere. And now that she has bangs, my penis is in the next room waiting for me to finish writing this. She's like, what? 4'5"? I might be overestimating, but these pictures are apparently popular today so I'm posting them. Don't get me wrong, I'd still hit it, but I'd feel weird after. Like I'd have to get her an ice cream cone and take her on a ride on a ferris wheel so she wouldn't tell anybody.

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Hayden Panettiere Does Esquire



Hayden Panettiere told a joke and did a “sexy” photoshoot for Esquire. She wore a bikini. You might remember her from Heroes or the time she danced when Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch.

Click the banner to see the rest of the uncomfortable photoshoot

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Hayden Panettiere Is Single



Hayden Panettiere and ex-NFL player Scotty McKnight have split. I know, your world is spinning off its axis. TMZ reports:

Hayden Panettiere and her football player boyfriend Scotty McKnight are officially broken up … this according to sources close to the couple. Sources tell us … the two broke up a couple of weeks ago … but it wasn’t a nasty breakup. We’re told the two are still “really good friends.” One source tells us, “They will probably be back together sometime down the road.” Scotty — who played for the NY Jets — is the 2nd pro athlete Hayden has dated — she was with pro boxer Wladimir Klitschko for a year and a half starting in late 2010.

I don’t know why they broke up, but keep in mind that Scotty McKnight was waived by the Jets in August. The Jets. Their starting QB doesn’t know how a football works, and their backup QB is just holding a clipboard until he has enough endorsement money to open a megachurch. So I guess what I’m saying is that you have to be pretty bad to be cut from the Jets.

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Hayden Panettiere Loves Ramen, Being Unattractive



In her quest to perpetually confuse Pedo Bear, here’s Hayden Panettiere shopping in LA yesterday where she bought a shitload of Ramen noodles. I don’t know why exactly, but I think it’s because you’re supposed to take growth hormones with food.

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Hayden Panettiere Is Dating The 227th Pick In The NFL Draft



Jess put her dead, frozen vagina in the microwave yesterday to thaw away it’s sadness after she heard New York Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez wasn’t dating Hayden Panettiere. That’s because Hayden Panettiere is dating Scotty McKnight. A 7th round draft pick who hasn’t received his first game check. Us Magazine reports:

Just eights days after Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko announced the end of their two-year relationship, the 21-year-old Scream 4 actress stepped out in West Hollywood with a new man: New York Jets wide receiver Scotty McKnight. After sharing a meal at Mel’s Diner on May 20, McKnight, 23, lovingly rubbed the actress’ shoulders; the new couple also spent Memorial Day together in Laguna Hills, Calif. with mutual pal Mark Sanchez. “I’m a huge Jets fan and became very good friends with Mark and his buddies,” Panettiere told Us Weekly in NYC June 2. “I’ve always been that girl who has a lot of dude friends. I’m into sports so we have a lot in common.

I hope she’s into psychosis and writing letters threatening to torture and kill an entire family also because that will give them something else in common. New York Post reports:

McKnight, a former Colorado receiver and boyhood friend of Mark Sanchez, nearly got himself expelled during his senior year of high school in 2005 for penning some threatening words directed at his Tesoro (Calif.) High School English teacher in a journal that was supposed to be private, but became public. One of the entries McKnight and Tesoro teammate Sam Smith wrote referred to gluing the teacher naked to a wall, cutting off her feet and killing her family while she watches, according to court documents. “I am planning on coming in your room late one night while you’re still working,” read one partial entry. “I will smother you in gasoline and light your head on fire … “

So basically, if you’re tall and have rage consuming you from within, Hayden Panettiere will blow you. “Is that so? Tell her to Facebook me,” Megatron was quoted as saying.

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My Gardener Is Not Cheating On Me With This

Todd really likes to make my day by texting me to tell me that Sean Kingston is dead. And that Mark Sanchez is banging Hayden Panettiere. Fortunately, neither wound up being true. Us Weekly says:

Hayden Panettiere hasn’t exactly rebounded from her split with heavyweight boxing champion Wladmir Klitschko.

Though she was recently spotted out with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, the 21-year-old Scream 4 actress tells Us Weekly the two are simply good friends.

“I swear I’m not dating him at all. Honestly. I’m a huge Jets fan and became very good friends with him and his buddies,” she told Us Thursday at the Vans Custom Culture Event in NYC. “There’s genuinely, absolutely nothing going on. I’ve always been that girl who has a lot of dude friends. I’m into sports so we have a lot in common, but no, definitely 100% not dating.”

The actress added that she and Sanchez, 24, have shared a few laughs over the recent relationship rumors.

“Every person that I stand next to in this industry is a guy I’m going to be linked to — that’s just inevitably the way it goes,” she explained. “When it’s a long-term friendship like that, sometimes it starts getting a little bit frustrating for certain people. You don’t want to put fuel into the fire but you don’t want to stop living your life and doing what you want to do.”

Panettiere promises that when she does find love again, her fans will be the first to know.

“It’s too much energy most of the time to keep it hidden. So when I say we’re just friends, I mean it!” she told Us. “Time will tell if I’m lying, but I’m 100% not! He’s a great dude and he’s a great football player and he’s Jet player, which I love.”

As expected, Hayden is simply too old for Mark Sanchez, and you can’t believe everything Todd says. I just wish I remembered that before I threw away my fake ID that said I was born in 1994. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? A jumper? Pigtails? A Flux Capacitor? God. You ruin EVERYTHING.

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