Now that Hayden Panettiere is out of hospice care after giving birth to this dude’s baby a month ago, she hit up the Critics’ Choice Awards last night looking like a hot baby food truck. Meaning, her boobs are massive. I guess nature does this to boobs so men will want to get women pregnant immediately after they have a baby, because men can be easily tricked whenever we see huge boobs. Sorta like when Scarlett Johansson goes into an audition and comes out with the part. Or when Katy Perry has a #1 album. What’s that about? That can’t be right. None of that seems right.
If they’re looking for a new theme for the next season of American Horror Story, Hayden Panettiere finally had her baby with the giant Russian guy.
The Nashville star is a new mom after welcoming her first child with fiancé Wladimir Klitschko on Tuesday, Dec. 9, her rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively. Daughter Kaya Evdokia Klitschko weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and measured 20 inches. “We are over the moon and madly in love!” the proud new parents tell PEOPLE.
7lbs., 14 oz.? Did only part of it come out? And why does she sound like a Bond villain? And can people please stop saying “we’re over the moon” when they have a baby? The baby doesn’t need you in outer space, the baby needs you back at the hospital or at home or wherever the baby is. Hurry up and get back before villagers surround it with torches, because they are afraid of what they don’t understand.
With all the unrest happening in the world right now, we seemed to have overlooked what appears to be a scientific breakthrough in interspecies procreation, because garden gnome Hayden Panettiere attended the Enmmys last night still carrying Russian government experiment Wladimir Klitschko‘s unborn “child”. It’s only a matter of time before it claws through her vagina and terrorizes villagers and disemboweling farm animals for sport, but his mother looks absolutely radiant here. She also seems to have gotten pregnant in her ass. I slept through most of my biology classes so I didn’t know that was a thing.
"My vagina (to scale) after LOL!"
Us Weekly is reporting that Hayden Panettiere is pregnant, because "pregnant" is the only word science has for this kind of thing. If Hayden's pregnancy goes full term, it will be first succesful instance of interspecies breeding. Congrats to the happy couple.
Hayden's headed to mommyhood! Hayden Panettiere is pregnant and expecting her first child with fiance Wladimir Klitschko, a source reveals exclusively in the new issue of Us Weekly. "Hayden is totally pregnant!" the insider tells Us of the Nashville star, 24, who has been engaged to Klitschko, 38, for a year.
This is just another ploy by Obama and Putin to manipulate Hayden into orchestrating an epidural shortage in an effort to help the black market Russian economy, but I also expect this baby to come out swinging Hayden's spine whle wearing a Viking helmet and bear skin cape.
I really didn't post a lot about the MET Gala (EXCEPTION) , because really, who cares? Man, a bunch of celebrities got dressed up and went someplace. Cool. But apparently Hayden Panettiere was the belle of the ball and tripped down the stairs. You'd think her low center of gravity of prevent shit like this, but please keep in mind that her boyfriend is mutant giant who has probably eaten a whole live goat at some point. Panettiere is forced to have sex with this, so excuse her if her spine isn't all that stable.
Hayden Panettiere and her boyfriend, a giant from Middle Earth, went to a charity event over the weekend, and I don't know what she's trying to show us here, but I assume it will be bigger after the honeymoon.
I'm gonna be honest for a minute here, I've never really understood the appeal of Hayden Panettiere. And now that she has bangs, my penis is in the next room waiting for me to finish writing this. She's like, what? 4'5"? I might be overestimating, but these pictures are apparently popular today so I'm posting them. Don't get me wrong, I'd still hit it, but I'd feel weird after. Like I'd have to get her an ice cream cone and take her on a ride on a ferris wheel so she wouldn't tell anybody.
Hayden Panettiere and ex-NFL player Scotty McKnight have split. I know, your world is spinning off its axis. TMZ reports:
Hayden Panettiere and her football player boyfriend Scotty McKnight are officially broken up … this according to sources close to the couple. Sources tell us … the two broke up a couple of weeks ago … but it wasn’t a nasty breakup. We’re told the two are still “really good friends.” One source tells us, “They will probably be back together sometime down the road.” Scotty — who played for the NY Jets — is the 2nd pro athlete Hayden has dated — she was with pro boxer Wladimir Klitschko for a year and a half starting in late 2010.
I don’t know why they broke up, but keep in mind that Scotty McKnight was waived by the Jets in August. The Jets. Their starting QB doesn’t know how a football works, and their backup QB is just holding a clipboard until he has enough endorsement money to open a megachurch. So I guess what I’m saying is that you have to be pretty bad to be cut from the Jets.
In her quest to perpetually confuse Pedo Bear, here’s Hayden Panettiere shopping in LA yesterday where she bought a shitload of Ramen noodles. I don’t know why exactly, but I think it’s because you’re supposed to take growth hormones with food.