Gwyneth Paltrow Wants To Be Your Anal Sex Guide
Gwyneth Paltrow Wants To Be Your Anal Sex Guide

 

Would you like Gwyneth Paltrow‘s thoughts on how to do butt stuff? Why not, it’s Friday and the world is probably ending so might as well.

Gwyneth Paltrow shares her expertise on all things lifestyle, health and beauty on her goop site — and now that apparently includes anal sex. “Both of you should read all you can about it first,” he said. “Spend a few weeks helping the receiving partner…relax. Make sure you and your partner have great sexual communication, trust, and that you both want to do it, as opposed to one trying to pressure the other, or not wanting to do it but doing it because you are afraid your partner will find someone else who will. Do not do it drunk or stoned… If it doesn’t feel good when it’s happening, stop.”

Ok so, obviously Gwyneth Paltrow has never had anal sex before. Like that woman who writes about sex in those 50 Shades of Grey books. You ain’t fooling me, lady. You can read the rest of this on Goop if you want. It really won’t do me any good since one of my three ethnicities manifested itself in my nose and penis, so anal is usually off the table. I need my prayer warriors.

 

#fbf speaking of anal sex

 

 

 

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Gwyneth Paltrow Lets Bees Sting Her In The Face To Retain Her Eternal Beauty

“Aww, you don’t use quinoa tampons? Bless your heart.”


I’m not a campaign manager, but Bernie Sanders is really missing opportunities to attack Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s an insufferable, bourgeoisie pain in the ass who can’t even get divorced right. She also does shit like this. She also just did an interview with The New York Times. She’s super relatable, guys. 

I’m always the guinea pig to try everything. I’ve got to try them all. I love acupuncture….But generally, I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful. I haven’t done cryotherapy yet, but I do want to try that.

Bees. Gwyneth Paltrow lets bees sting her in the face. Like, imagine being married this. Or dating this. What a goddamn nightmare that must be. At what point do you say “Candyman” five times in a mirror since she likes bees so much. 

 

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Martha Stewart Wants Gwyneth Paltrow To Shut The Hell Up
Martha Stewart Wants Gwyneth Paltrow To Shut The Hell Up

 

Long story short, Martha Stewart has no time for Gwyneth Paltrow’s bullshit.

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart,the domestic doyenne snipped to Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine. And, after Blake Lively started her own lifestyle site, Preserve, Stewart admits the “Gossip Girl” star had come to her for advice — but sidesteps making a judgment and leaves it to her senior vice president, Kevin Sharkey, who says of Lively: “I don’t get the sense she’s credible. She’s enthusiastic, but she’s not credible.”

Damn, Martha. Why you gotta go so hard? Gwyneth Paltrow might try to retaliate by summoning a Jew Koballah beast, but please remember that Martha is a convicted felon who kept the prison dykes from making her vagina a place setting by helping them make simple, yet elegant shanks and cigarettes made out of crepe paper or felt or whatever. Gwyneth better sit this one out.

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Beyonce And Gwyneth Paltrow Are Going On A 4-Day Yoga Thing
Beyonce And Gwyneth Paltrow Are Going On A 4-Day Yoga Thing

 

With shit in the ocean biting 9 foot great whites in half and America's new weekly reality show about mass shootings, your mind probably forgot that Beyonce and Gwyneth Paltrow are like basically best friends. May wasn't the best month for either of them after Beyonce had some stuff happen in an elevator and a club, and Gwyneth pulled her head out of her ass long enough to say something dumb and to be generally insufferable. But June? GIRLS' TRIP!

The actress will help her A-list pal, 32, unwind with yoga classes and hikes before the Drunk in Love hitmaker begins her gruelling On the Run tour with husband Jay Z later this month. The 41-year-old is believed to have checked the pair into an exclusive complex in California's central coast, where they are expected to meditate, go on long walks and sample local wine.


This will probably Day 1. Should be fun.

 

Gwyneth: "Namaste."

Beyonce: "I'll stay, too."

Gwyneth: "What?"

Beyonce: "Huh?"

Gwyneth: "Beyonce, I said namaste."

Beyonce: "I know, Gwyneth. I said I am too, what?"

Gwyneth: "What are you talking about?"

Beyonce: "Bitch, what are you talking about?"

Gwyneth: "I think someone in this room is misdirecting their anger right now, and that person isn't me that's all I'm saying."

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is Still Real Dumb
Gwyneth Paltrow Is Still Real Dumb

 

Whenever Gwyneth Paltrow gives an interview, you can expect her to say dumb shit that has no basis in reality or reason, so when she compared mean Internet comments to surviving a war, everybody went crazy because we all still live in a paradigm where war is still considered a noble and heroic thing.

She compared the experience of living through vitriolic Internet commenters to surviving a war. “You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it,” she said. “My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

You can look it up, but Paltrow basically attended a hippie commune instead of a high school, and her "next level of conscience" is when she finds room to shove more of her head of up her own ass, so she's been out of touch with reality for long time now. But comparing reading mean comments to a soldier's life? That's just ignorant. Paltrow knows nothing about military life. For instance, I assume Paltrow has great healthcare and when Chris Martin went on tour she never cheated on him.

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BREAKING: Gwyneth Paltrow Carried Her Own Luggage

After having a conscious uncoupling from reality since birth, Gwyneth Paltrow must have finally choked on self-awareness after Angelina Jolie took a huge shade shit all up in Paltrow's gluten-free cord blood quiche, because here she is at JFK pulling her own luggage like a regular human person. I can only imagine the pain and suffering this caused her. Not in a concerned type of way.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Had A “Goop Film Festival” That Only Showed Her Movies
Gwyneth Paltrow Had A “Goop Film Festival” That Only Showed Her Movies

 

You're not gonna believe this, but Gwyneth Paltrow is Gwyneth Paltrow's favorite actress.

Paltrow “totally embarrassed herself” last summer by holding a private “Goop Film Festival” event at her ultra-lush Hamptons estate, an insider tells Radar exclusively. “After the massive success of Iron Man 3, Gwyneth started hosting regular screenings of some of her old 90′s hits,” the source explains, “including Seven, Sliding Doors and Shakespeare in Love.” But it wasn’t just a night of entertainment for her invited guests. The weary pal recalls, Paltrow asked her captive audience “what works about the movies.” “Gwyneth is really just trying to re-live her glory days,” the friend says. “The truth is, if you look at her schedule, she’s just not a full-time actor anymore, but she still wants to be treated like a screen legend.” And though her pals were subjected to the Goop-y screenings the source says one person managed to skip the show — her now-estranged husband. “She’s been trotting out the old movies for her friends, but most of them would rather watch paint dry,” the source explains. “It was pretty embarrassing and interestingly Chris never hung around to watch.”

This is probably the most Gwyneth Paltrow-y thing I've heard Gwyneth Paltrow do, except earlier this week where she was basically accused of planting the "Chris Martin cheated" rumors to make it look like Chris Martin didn't pray every night that John Doe would eny his life and send him a box. California, tell your people to stay away. Stay away now, don't – don't come in here. Whatever you hear, stay away! John Doe has the upper hand!

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is Single
Gwyneth Paltrow Is Single

 

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have split for good apparently. Here's Gwyneth's official statement on Goop.

Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

It's sad when two people with that much history together split up, but I'm surprised that Chris Martin made it this long. I mean, we all know his wife. She was probably asking him to read her haiku about dolphin cord blood omelets and he finally brain hemorrhaged. He might be dead right now. We don't know. Nobody knows what Goop is capabale of. They operate outside the law in Obama's America. Open your eyes to the truth. You can't afford to be this naive.

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Gwyneth Paltrow In Lingerie Took Over A Year To Come Out

 

I have no idea why the trailer for Gwyneth Paltrow in Thanks For Sharing is making the rounds today since the movie came out in 2012, but since I like to keep up with what's popular (I'm going to buy some new Crocs later), he're the trailer. Proving he's one of this generation's finest actors, this movie also stars Mark Ruffalo as a man who is fighting every urge to have sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. Does she even give blowjobs because they contain meat? The Supreme Court should step in if that's the case.

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