This is Madonna

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An oil painting completed in 2005 by Peter Howson called, “Madonna and Guy” is being auctioned off by Glasgow auctioneers, McTear’s. Madonna looks like she’s trying to trick Gretel into the oven normally, so please don’t tell me this looks nothing like Madonna. Madonna could be dead for three days and I if I saw her I probably wouldn’t know the difference.

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Madonna is Sad



Even though she made every day of his life during their marriage a living hell (here) then proceeded to vilify him and attempt to control his every move during their divorce proceedings (here and here), Madonna has reached out to Guy Ritchie with “tearful calls” over her failed adoption attempt. An insider tells The Sun:
“Civil conversations between them have been few and far between in the past year. But over the last week things have improved. Guy had Rocco over for a visit when Em called to see if he was OK, as she always does when she is away from the kids. Rocco was speaking to her and suddenly turned to Guy and said, ‘Daddy, Daddy. Mummy is crying’. He then handed Guy the phone.” Madge was devastated after being told three-year-old Malawi girl Mercy James can’t join her brood — LOURDES, 12, Rocco, eight, and three-year-old DAVID BANDA, who she adopted from Malawi in 2006. The insider continued: “It’s unusual for Em to turn on the waterworks but this has really upset her. Explaining to Rocco why Mercy wasn’t coming home has been difficult. “Guy was incredibly sympathetic, calmed her down and told her to be happy with the family she had.”

Fuck this bitch. I don’t feel sorry for her. Madonna could adopt a hundred black babies in the United States if she wanted to (and seriously, more people should, and those who do should be commended), but that would mean having to condescend to obey such things as “laws” and “due process”. It’s easy when you’re Madonna to bully some guy in an office whose computer is powered by a goat running on a treadmill, but let’s see her try that shit with some old Italian lady behind a desk in NYC. There’s a pretty good chance Madonna would be taken out in the street and stoned.

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Guy Ritchie Might Be In This



One day scientists will be able to explain why Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna’s haggard ass for eight years, but it seems like his penis may have gotten an upgrade – Ginger Spice. The Daily Mail says:
He’s now one of Britain’s most eligible bachelors. She’s footloose after breaking off her engagement to an Italian tycoon. So what on earth could Geri Halliwell have been looking for at Guy Ritchie’s pub last night? The former Spice Girl partied with Madonna’s ex at his Mayfair pub, The Punchbowl, after wowing on the red carpet at The Boat That Rocked premiere. They left the pub separately around 11.50pm, with Guy following Geri out just minutes later with a huge grin on his face.

This really could have been anybody, because, literally, any chick would have been an upgrade over Madonna. She’s gross. Guy Ricthie could have pulled a prostitute’s body from a river and it would have been hotter than Madonna’s sinewy leather ass. Seriously, I don’t even know why she’s famous. Look at this chick. She shouldn’t be a sex symbol, she should be the mortal enemy of the Thundercats or teaching mutant teenage turtles how to be ninjas.

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Madonna is Demanding, Psychotic

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Guy Ritchie reunited with his sons, Rocco and David, this morning in London, free from the controlling and completely irrational death grip of Madonna. Oops, no, wait. Scratch that last part. The Daily Mail reports:

“The Mail has learned that the 50-year-old has issued a list of demands that Ritchie must meet while the children are with him in London. It includes a ban on TV, non-organic food and clothes not sent by her. Eight-year-old Rocco looked delighted to be back in his father’s company and threw his arms around him after walking through the gates at Gatwick. Guy also shared a hug with David, three, whom he adopted from Malawi in 2006, later hoisting him on his hip as they made their way through the terminal. An onlooker says: ‘Rocco shouted, “Dad!” in the loudest voice.’ ‘Both he and David were smiling. Guy literally threw his coffee aside to free up his hands and run over. You could tell they were all so excited to see each other.'”

You can read the full list of demands in the banner picture, but after you read them, fight the urge to jump in your car and plow though a Madonna concert. I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna be tough.

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Madonna Had a Sex Contract



The Sun is reporting that Madonna made Guy Ritchie sign a “marriage contract” that she used to control his every move. What? Madonna? No way!

The document detailed how many dates the couple should go on and how often they should have sex. It stated that Guy had to “work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual well being” and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge. It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows “to resolve conflicts in a constructive way”. Guy, 40, was instructed never to shout at Madge, 50, but instead look her in the eye and say: “I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.” The marriage rules said both parties must “devote time to our sexual expressiveness” and “not use sex as a stick to beat one another”. Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counsellors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

Jesus, can you imagine the unadulterated hell it must have been living with this bitch? I can see why it didn’t work out. Guy Ritchie was expected to look her in the eye. I think the only you can try to do that is if you’re on a quest for the Golden Fleece.

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Kabbalah Hates Madonna



Although Madonna pretends to be an enlightened spiritual disciple of Kabbalah, her PR machine are in the midst of waging a full scale character assassination against Guy Ritchie on her orders. Yeah, too bad Kabbalah likes Guy Ritchie more. The Daily Mail reports:

“Rabbi Berg, the most senior kabbalah member and her spiritual leader, has instructed her that the ongoing mudslinging and prospect of a court battle between the sect’s two most high-profile members could badly damage its image. Berg has now given Madonna a 24-hour deadline to come back to him with a plan to mediate towards a swift divorce resolution using a round-table of kabbalah leaders chaired by him.’Rabbi Berg’s ultimate hope would be a reconciliation. ‘But that seems rather a distant hope so at best he would like to put an end to the public raking over of their marriage,’ said a source close to the couple. Madonna however is said to be torn with the idea, thinking that if they go to kabbalah mediation at this point, she will be persuaded to part with a substantial amount of her wealth and also may lose out in having to give Guy a larger share of custody of their son Rocco, seven, and David, three. Kabbalah’s view on this would be that it as far as family is concerned, it’s only money. Guy would get a lot more than if their lawyers were slugging it out. ‘Kabbalah might also give Guy better access than British law might. Let us not to forget that Guy and Rabbi Berg were also very close. ‘Guy really studied kabbalah. There was a feeling in certain quarters that Madonna’s interest in kabbalah was linked more to her ego. ‘Guy on the other hand was more interested in the fundamentals of it, in dissecting it. Consequently he had a much greater intellectual bond with the kabbalah leaders.'”

Along with money, the main sticking point of this is the future of Rocco Ritchie and the couple’s adopted son, David Blanda. Here’s a hint: They probably want to live with Guy.

“Guy wants them to be privately educated and live with him in London and at the couple’s Wiltshire estate, Ashcombe House. His argument is that Madonna should not be considered the children’s primary carer simply because she rarely cared for them – that nannies and other looked after them while Madonna pursued her career. Guy claims that especially in recent months, in the run up to Madonna’s world tour, when nannies were not caring for the children, he would be. He is also hoping staff will confirm his wife became increasingly erratic and volatile and would erupt into furious rages if things did not go her way.”

Man, I wonder how Madonna is gonna get past this. When asked for comment, Madonna said, ‘”Who hath disturbed my slumber?!?”. Apparently it wasn’t dusk yet. Oops, sorry Madonna!

Madonna and the kids at the Kabbalah center in NYC, October 25th:

Photos: Splash

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Madonna is Diabolical



Since news of their divorce was officially confirmed, reports having been coming from everywhere about how horrible Guy Ritchie has treated Madonna, although they were seemingly happy during their 8 year marriage. Since last week, Guy Ritchie has been accused of emotional abuse, neglect, unwillingness to accept David Banda (Madonna’s African orphan), and being a gold digger (even though he has $60 million of his own money. So, to see how he could stem the tide of Madonna’s raging PR beast, Guy had a secret dinner meeting with his father and sister. Guess who sent spies and had him followed? Surprise! The Sun reports:

“Guy, 40, was furious that details of a private divorce “war summit” were leaked to his wife…He believes the pop queen is using her huge staff to report his every move. Guy has slammed what he calls Madonna’s underhand tactics. He has even compared her approach to their split as being like “something concocted by the KGB”, raging at her: “This is a divorce, not the Cold War.” A close family friend said yesterday: “Any hopes Guy had of their divorce being private and dignified are out the window. “The allegations he was a cruel and neglectful husband have torn him apart so much that he invited his father and sister to the house on the weekend for dinner. “They discussed the divorce and how Guy could stand his ground against Madonna and her PR machine.” But the friend said Guy was stunned to discover Madonna, 50, knew about the dinner and had been keeping tabs on him for days. The source said: “When Guy found out he lost the plot. He said, ‘How can you set fire to our whole world? Why go to such lengths to destroy me?’ “But Guy knows it would be unusual if Madonna wasn’t monitoring his every move. “She’s a control freak and there’s so much at stake.”

Considering Madonna blasted Guy Ritchie to an arena full of people the day their separation was announced, I’ll go ahead and say every word of this story is absolutely true. Everything is about Madonna. Nobody else matters. That’s why I hope she’s excited about my new guillotine. The mold of her neck really helped out. Thanks Madonna!

Madonna at the Kablahblah Center in NYC on Oct. 18:

Photos: Splash

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Madonna and Guy Ritchie are Getting Divorced

There have been rumors for months that the marriage between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been on the rocks, but according to The Daily Mail, the couple’s 8-year marriage is expected to end any day now. To no one’s surprise, Richie is has finally had enough of Madonna’s out of control ego and her insistence on adopting more children (even though the lil’ African one caused a “severe strain on their marriage”). The silver lining in this tale of lost love, however, is that Ritchie is expected to receive a $300 million settlement – half of Madonna’s fortune. Suck on that, Madonna!

“The couple are said to have had a string of rows in recent months. But over the past three weeks it has become so strained they are thought to have communicated only through their personal assistants…Madonna, who is currently on a gruelling world tour, is said to have wanted to postpone any separation until the New Year. But Ritchie apparently decided that they should go their separate ways immediately…Last night a close friend of the couple said: ‘They have both been fighting and the marriage has been on the rocks for weeks. ‘Guy has been the one who has come to the conclusion that enough is enough. They had planned to make it work in the New Year after the end of Madonna’s world tour but it quickly became clear that the relationship was not worth saving. ‘Guy has been saying that they both have separate lives at the moment. ‘Madonna spends too much time in the gym and she is obsessed with trying to look years younger than her real age.’ The source added: ‘Guy feels that Madonna does not focus on him any more.'”

$300 million seems pretty reasonable, but maybe they could also erect a giant gold statue of Guy Ritchie riding a winged bear and swinging a sword made out of lightning. Or maybe they could make him a Jedi or give him a virgin every day for the rest of his life. I don’t know. I’m not entirely sure what kind of award you’d give somebody for putting up with this hag for ten years.

Update: Madonna and Guy’s reps confirmed their split.

Madonna and her mustache at the premiere of some movie she directed:

Press release via Splash

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Madonna and Guy Ritchie Might Be Getting Divorced



You hear a “Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced” story all the time, but this time it appears to be legitimate, as Madonna has secured the services of divorce lawyer, Fiona Shackleton. The same lawyer who represented Paul McCartney.
London’s Times Online
reports:

Madonna, whose fortune is estimated to be worth $600 million, is understood to be seeking legal advice on a possible divorce from her husband of seven years, the film director Guy Ritchie. Ms Shackleton, 52, is the lawyer of choice for the rich and famous after what was regarded as the spectacularly well-handled split of Sir Paul from Heather Mills, who was rumoured to be pushing for $160 million…Yesterday Madonna’s spokesman refused to comment on the claims. But one lawyer told The Times that the word in legal circles was that Madonna had gone to Ms Shackleton after making an approach to another firm…There has been speculation for some time over the marriage of Madonna, 49, and Ritchie, 39. It is thought that the couple did not have a prenuptial agreement, which means that the starting point for any settlement would be a 50-50 split.

Whatever, it’s about time. I know Madonna is ungodly wealthy and considered talented, but she kinda looks like E.T. when Michael pulled him out of the ditch, so it’s probably a good time for Guy Ritchie to jump ship. Because talking himself into fucking Madonna probably takes longer than it used to. I’m pretty sure he’d rather be a contestant on The Running Man.

Madonna and company at a Yankee game on June 22:

Photos: Splash

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